Can't hold onto relationships at all... ever.

ithiliendude

For all those who recognise my username and know me in real life, pleeeeeeease don't judge me on this one. There's only so much sorting-out-your-head stuff one can do on their own, and sometimes online fora just provide somewhat of a relief/answer.

I have severe depression issues, and it's medical. Of course, things like bipolar disorder are made infinitely worse by unresolved life experiences/hurts, lack of directive counselling and all of the above. Classic bipolar, I go through phases of being perfectly fine then phases of being almost completely suicidal and I can't help myself.

This, however, doesn't help me out in the whole dating world. I've been in a few relationships with a few guys over my dating years and they've never worked out, and I'm sick of being the one who loses out all the time. I've just come out of (well, 4 months ago...ish) a relationship that was about 1.5years long, and about three days before he left me he told me he wanted a longterm relationship and to move in together and stuff. And then he just left, for the same reason as all the rest of them: "You're mental, and I can't handle it. I thought I could, but you're just waaay to ****ed up for me. Sorry I didn't realise this earlier".

I'm beginning to think that I will be forever alone; a crazy cat lady or whatever. I'm particularly annoyed this time because the last relationship seemed to be an absolute winner and we were really happy until I had another depressive episode.

Ever since I was a little girl I've always wanted to be someone's wife and a mammy, but it seems that the older I get the more impossible this becomes. And instead of being out there enjoying my life, I just sulk about all of my romantic failures all the time as my brain has just hit romantic-failure-saturation-point, which is awful. It's such a waste of brain.

Anyone want to give me some encouragement? And no, 'you're still young, you have plenty of time' or 'you'll find someone eventually' are not comforting lines at all. Soz for the rant.

dannyc31

hi OP sorry to hear about your misfortunes. depression is a tough subject for anyone to understand let alone give advice on. but my opinion is dealing with depression must come from within. you have to stop looking for external solutions to your problems firstly because the first battle that must be won is between and your inner self/mind whatever you wanna call it. its probably been said to you before but you need to stick with the talk therapy if its not working at the moment then you need to find a new therapist who you feel properly understands what you are going thru in your low moments.

many have said it here before but its so true, finding someone to love you must start with you loving yourself. that might sound like something impossible at the moment but to finding a man is not going to solve all your problems. those guys in the past probably did care about you but you have to meet them hlf way and start caring about yourself and loving yourself. anyway thats the best i could advice, forget about a serious relationship for a while and focus on resolving those inner demons and issues you have with an understanding therapist.

best of luck

Esoteric_

Thing is, OP, it IS extremely difficult to date somebody with mental health issues. I'm saying that as someone who has been on both sides - I've dated people with mental health issues, and I dated people while I personally had severe mental health issues (thankfully under control and no need of treatment now).

If I'm being completely honest, I don't blame guys for not being able to deal with your illness and the way it affects your relationship. It's hard, it really is. I sure as hell could never handle dating a mentally ill person again, as bad as that sounds.

Instead of dating people, why don't you go to a doctor, get a diagnosis, and start a treatment programme? If you're already doing this, then just stop dating for a while and focus on your recovery. Mental illness can be overcome, or at least properly controlled, and then you'll be in a much better position to fulfill your dream of settling down with somebody.

Best of luck.

ithiliendude

Maybe I didn't make myself fully clear the first time as it was a little rant worthy. Let me explain:

My illness is under control, and it very rarely gets in the way of every day life. I have only had two major depressive episodes in my adult life, and they have been pretty destructive, but bar those I seem like a perfectly normal person... you just don't want to be around when **** goes down, haha =P

I understand that dating someone with mental health issues is hard, as I have been out with guys who also struggled like I do. But the difference is I made it explicitly inescapably undeniably clear at the beginning of every relationship that I had issues and that if they couldn't deal with the issues they were to speak now or forever hold their peace.

Each time, without fail, they PROMISED me that my illness would NEVER be an issue, and that it would never be used as an excuse or a reason to leave me. And each time, they lied. Even the guy that I was with for 1.5 years used my illness as his getaway vehicle, even though I did so well to keep my problems to myself for that entire time.

I understand all that stuff about self-love and all that, which is the easy advice that people dish out daily - even though I've never come across another human being, even ones who have all their faculties, who does this all the time perfectly ever - and I have been to countless specialists over countless years and I even had a counselor tell me that I seemed intelligent enough to sort myself out without his help.

I just can't stand the fact that for so many years I've had my hopes built up then torn down almost routinely and I'm bloody well sick of it.

</RANT>

jantheman91

ithiliendude wrote: »

Maybe I didn't make myself fully clear the first time as it was a little rant worthy. Let me explain:

My illness is under control, and it very rarely gets in the way of every day life. I have only had two major depressive episodes in my adult life, and they have been pretty destructive, but bar those I seem like a perfectly normal person... you just don't want to be around when **** goes down, haha =P

I understand that dating someone with mental health issues is hard, as I have been out with guys who also struggled like I do. But the difference is I made it explicitly inescapably undeniably clear at the beginning of every relationship that I had issues and that if they couldn't deal with the issues they were to speak now or forever hold their peace.

Each time, without fail, they PROMISED me that my illness would NEVER be an issue, and that it would never be used as an excuse or a reason to leave me. And each time, they lied. Even the guy that I was with for 1.5 years used my illness as his getaway vehicle, even though I did so well to keep my problems to myself for that entire time.

I understand all that stuff about self-love and all that, which is the easy advice that people dish out daily - even though I've never come across another human being, even ones who have all their faculties, who does this all the time perfectly ever - and I have been to countless specialists over countless years and I even had a counselor tell me that I seemed intelligent enough to sort myself out without his help.

I just can't stand the fact that for so many years I've had my hopes built up then torn down almost routinely and I'm bloody well sick of it.

</RANT>

Wow. It's almost like i'm reading what happened in my last relationship. Every single thing you said there is applicable to me.

My advice is you have to give it time. I found it extremely difficult but i got through it. Nobody has a magic wand or a time machine unfortunately so you're going to have to believe me when i say it will get better as time passes.

Just remember that there is someone out there who'll accept your illness and do anything for you. It's up to you whether you want to find him!

ithiliendude

jantheman91 wrote: »

Just remember that there is someone out there who'll accept your illness and do anything for you. It's up to you whether you want to find him!

I suppose there's an element of truth in that. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to.

Since my break-up I've been quite socially isolated due to the loss of my whole peer group (they took his side), and because I just got so used to that particular group of friends for so long I've forgotten how to socialise. So, I have no friends and no boyfriend, and no get-up-and-go to go out and find some more friends, let alone a new boyfriend... which I don't suppose I need at the moment.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that I don't particularly want another relationship right now, I'm just sick of being the subject of relentless romantic failures... =P

username123

ithiliendude wrote: »

My illness is under control, and it very rarely gets in the way of every day life. I have only had two major depressive episodes in my adult life, and they have been pretty destructive, but bar those I seem like a perfectly normal person... you just don't want to be around when **** goes down, haha =P

Youre probably not the best person to make this diagnosis. Too close to the subject. I have a very good friend who has mental health issues, and is under the care of various medical professionals, on medication that has improved her daily life immensely, but her mental health issues are still quite difficult to deal with. I can see how it could be very difficult to be in a relationship with her - yet she thinks she is a totally normal person, she isnt, she is hard work - a great person, but hard work nonetheless.

Its unrealistic to think that someone who says "your illness will NEVER be an issue" at the start of a relationship really means it, because they have to experience it over time to get a real sense of it. They dont know what they are saying when they say it, and you should really know better than to believe them - people change too, a lot of stuff that people 'say' is meant at the time, but things change later...... So dont think that they lied - they meant it when they said it - circumstances were different to what they thought.

What do people mean when they say to you "youre just mental" - do you know? Can you address it?

I think you should stop worrying about relationships for the moment and just concentrate on getting your mental health as good as it can be. There is no more than you can do for yourself than to be good to yourself.

beks101

ithiliendude wrote: »

I'm just sick of being the subject of relentless romantic failures... =P

Aren't we all...!

Seriously though OP, dating and relationships can be hard work for even the most confident, self-assured, happy, sane people at the best of times, because dating can be fraught with rejections, failed relationships, unrequited love, infidelity, trust issues etc... continuous break ups WILL affect you mentally and tear you down, and when you're already so vulnerable that's a sort of dangerous thing to deal with.

Do you have a counsellor that you could talk these issues through with? I think it's really important that you talk to someone about this issue that you seem to be having, so it doesn't become a reason to be depressed and to self destruct.

Esoteric_

Tbh OP, anyone that says your illness will never be an issue has no clue what they're saying, and you need to take that with a pinch of salt, and not be annoyed if they can't handle it.

I broke up with two people because of their mental health issues. One, I didn't know about his issues before dating him. One, I knew beforehand, and dated him anyway, sure I could handle it. I couldn't, and it was the reason for the break up.

No matter what good intentions people have, they don't all come to fruition. Tbh, I see 'your mental health will never be an issue,' along the same lines as 'I'll never hurt you,' they're lines said in the midst of the infatuation, meant with all sincerity, but very, very rarely true.

To echo what other people have said, I'd really recommend you work some more on yourself before going into another relationship.

What I found, when I was ill (thankfully I'm healthy and in no need of any treatment anymore), was that I had to take time out, get used to being lonely, overcome the loneliness, take time to learn to be happy being single, and only then did I go back to the dating game. And honestly, it's the best decision I ever made about my dating life. I no longer take crap from people, I don't let blokes mess me around, and I'm able to cope very well with anything thrown at me in a relationship.

You don't need a relationship. You might want one, but you can be a lot happier having nobody to answer to. A good relationship is fulfilling and happy, but a bad relationship is worse than being alone.

ithiliendude

First off, without sounding defensive because that's not my intention, I have been told by professionals in the field that I seem to be okay. This isn't something I've made up myself. If I had my own opinion, I'd say I'm very not alright, but 3 separate professionals have said that I'm handling my difficulties well. If anyone disagrees, they can take it up with aforementioned professionals, and not with me.

Secondly, I'm not here to be told that 'my expectations were unrealistic', or that 'I need to sort myself out before I get into a relationship'; I'm not thick, I understand these statements to be true, and that is very difficult for me to accept at times but I just have to get over it.

My point is, if medical professionals say I'm fine, and people say that I'm approachable, fun and genuine and make a good partner and good friend, what am I doing wrong? And I don't want a relationship right now, I've already said that, so please stop repeating it. I know. I know. I know.

And please, don't use this as an opportunity to hate on me, please, I've had enough. I came on here to get some words of encouragement and ended up feeling like I'm the worst human being on planet earth

</RANT>

LegacyUser

Have you considered that you didn't do anything wrong? That maybe your boyfriend had some issue himself that caused him to want to change. Maybe he felt trapped and wasn't ready and needed to break away. Maybe he fancied someone else and got bored with the relationship and just used the mental issues as an excuse.

The fact is relationships go to ****. Marriages go to ****. Every relationship goes to **** except for the last one you have. Which may be when you're 21 or 31 or 41 etc. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, I've been there before and I'd say most of us have. You think what you could have done differently and pick apart your relationship looking for what you did wrong. Was the sex good enough? Was I too clingy? all that crap. The fact is like most things in life if you are thinking about it you are probably not doing it right. Jimi Hendrix didn't think, I'll play a G next, when it's going well you just go with it and if you have to analyse it then it was probably not going to work in the first place.

If I were you, and I know it's hard, I'd chalk it down to youth and put it behind me. That's what you have to do eventually anyway so the sooner the better. Buy yourself something nice, indulge yourself in a few things you are passionate about and just go out and be who you want to be. Also the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else :P
A bit flippant but worked for me.

jantheman91

ithiliendude wrote: »

First off, without sounding defensive because that's not my intention, I have been told by professionals in the field that I seem to be okay. This isn't something I've made up myself. If I had my own opinion, I'd say I'm very not alright, but 3 separate professionals have said that I'm handling my difficulties well. If anyone disagrees, they can take it up with aforementioned professionals, and not with me.

Secondly, I'm not here to be told that 'my expectations were unrealistic', or that 'I need to sort myself out before I get into a relationship'; I'm not thick, I understand these statements to be true, and that is very difficult for me to accept at times but I just have to get over it.

My point is, if medical professionals say I'm fine, and people say that I'm approachable, fun and genuine and make a good partner and good friend, what am I doing wrong? And I don't want a relationship right now, I've already said that, so please stop repeating it. I know. I know. I know.

And please, don't use this as an opportunity to hate on me, please, I've had enough. I came on here to get some words of encouragement and ended up feeling like I'm the worst human being on planet earth

</RANT>

As a sufferer of depression my advice would be to ignore what people without a mental illness say (unless they are medically qualified). They haven't a ****ing clue what they are talking about.

It all boils down to the fact that it's not a physical injury and therefore shrugged off.

Guarantee if you came on here saying you broke your leg there'd be a lot more sympathy.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what do you want from posters here? People are trying to offer advice or words of encouragement... Nobody here knows you. They have a couple of posts to go on, and that's what they are offering advice on.

Your posts are coming across as quite argumentative and defensive. I understand that if you feel you are being attacked you will go on the defense, but I don't think it's anyone's intention to attack you.

As for asking why these fellas said what they did, and then went back on it... Nobody can predict the future. They were wrong to guarantee you that your mental health issues would not be a problem.. I don't doubt they meant it at the time, but they were wrong to promise that, as they couldn't possibly know that. You were equally wrong to look for that assurance though.

Anyway, I wish you well. I hope you can find happiness.

Esoteric_

I don't really know what advice you're looking for here, tbh. We're trying to give you different opinions and different suggestions, but you don't seem to want to take any of them in. :-/

I don't know why your relationships have failed, and I don't know why those guys bailed because of your illness. My only guess is that, at first, they thought they could handle it fine, but when things got a bit more intense (in a relationship sense, or in a mental health sense, I don't mean either specifically), they realised that they couldn't deal with it.

It sucks, it's happened to me, and I know it hurts a lot. But there's very little else we can say.

The fact that you feel you're not doing great, but three medical professionals say you are makes it seem to me that perhaps they're not seeing what you see in yourself. I don't know why that is, but if you feel you're not doing as well as they think, make sure you keep saying it to them, over and over, until they listen.

None of us know why your relationships have failed. It could be anything. It could be that once the honeymoon stage or infatuation has passed, they realised that they didn't like you quite as much as they thought they did. It could indeed be your mental health. It could be your age (I don't know your age, but from the way you speak I'm guessing you're a similar age to me), because lots of people don't develop meaningful relationships while they're young. It could be a personality clash. None of us know, we can only make a guess at what we think it might be.

Like I said, anyone that says 'I'll never leave you because of your health,' isn't telling the honest truth. They're saying what they believe to be true at that time, but nobody knows how things will play out down the line.

I don't know what other advice or input I can give, because you honestly don't seem to actually want to take anything we say onboard, so I'll just say that I wish you the best of luck in both your love-life and with your recovery from mental illness. It's a long, tough road, but as someone who has recovered, the benefits are bloody amazing, so I hope you get there too.

ithiliendude

Just forget I said anything. That'll be easier.

username123

ithiliendude wrote: »

Just forget I said anything. That'll be easier.

If the way you behave in relationships is the same as how you are behaving on this thread then maybe thats an area for you to examine? Shutting down with a "I dont want to hear this, forget what I said" is not conducive to good communication between people. The "That'll be easier" is just passive aggressive.

No one here has been offensive or otherwise negative, they have simply given objective views. You might not like what you hear, but that does not mean it is invalid.

dannyc31

don't really know what advice you're looking for here, tbh. We're trying to give you different opinions and different suggestions, but you don't seem to want to take any of them in. :-/

not to be cruel OP but i'm kinda thinking this was the conclusions come to by the therapists you were visiting. Therapy only works if you're willing to listen. no-one was attacking you here, they were just trying to help you understand yourself better. there has been recent studies that have shown that we are a pretty bad judge of character when it comes to assessing ourselves our personality type things like how generous we are, how argumentative, or how emotional we are etc etc and that a better measure is to ask our friends, family & close work colleagues how they describe our personality. these opinions tend to correlate more accurate with how we come across to others than our self assessment of ourselves. and sometimes we dont like what we are hearing but to take it on board and not be defensive about it is better for us in the long run.

i wish you luck

Taltos

Closing thread per OPs last post.
OP you might find a blog more beneficial. However I really think that you would be best served by going back and continuing your therapy, unfortunately it appears we cannot help you any further here.

All the best
Taltos