Mam doesn't want to lose weight

pencilsharp

Hi all!

This is a problem which has really been affecting our whole family. My mam is overweight, obese actually. I too am on the heavy side but am doing something about it, I've taken up exercise and am monitoring what I eat and losing a lot of weight with it. The thing is when I decided to lose weight my mam said she would too, we promised each other that we'd do it together for ourselves and each other. I thought my mam was doing well, she is exercising, but I found out earlier this week that she's been eating crap behind our backs. My little sister is so upset, her friends dad died following a heart attack, my mam has already had a heart attack about 5 years ago. We are all so disappointed in her, it makes us feel sick that she's been lying to us. We confronted her about it earlier in the week and initially she denied it but then admitted that she's been secretly eating take aways and chocolates (it makes me feel so angry that she's done this). She swore to us that night that she would stop eating crap and start eating healthy but today I had to get something out of her car and I found chocolate bars in the glove compartment. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, thinking they might be there awhile, but then I found the receipt for them dated today. We want our mam to be here to see us get married, have grandchildren and all that kind of stuff but to be honest I don't think she will be. There is a huge history of heart disease in her family and her weight and the fact she has had a previous heart attack is not a benefit to her. She has let us all down. I've told her my fears and she just tries to make me feel bad, so now I've told her that I'm just going to let her eat herself into an early grave. I feel horrible for being so blunt with her and for even saying that but I thought it might shock her into reality but it doesn't have seemed to. I'm at a loss as to what to do now, I would really appreciate some help or suggestions. She's tried all the usual things like weight watchers (20+ times) and slimming world and she does them for awhile and then loses interest. I asked her if she would go to the Motivation clinics but she lost the plot with me when I suggested that, has anyone got any experience with them? I know she is not happy with how she looks, but she doesn't seem to be bothered to do anything about it. I know she has to want to do it for herself but I can't stand by and watch her slowly kill herself. To be honest I feel like giving up and leaving her to it at this stage, but I can't as it is really affecting with my little sister so much (she's only 17).

ABajaninCork

Your mother is probably feeling guilty about losing her battle with her weight. What she doesn't need is you and your sister acting as the food police, even with the best intentions!

You should never have told her to eat herself into an early grave. How on earth did you think she would react?? All you've done is make the situation a whole lot worse. The more you nag, the less likely she is to have motivation to keep going. Nobody is perfect.

I'd leave it for a while, then try to talk to her again. Maybe encourage (not nag!!) her to exercise with you. Perhaps the two of you could go for a walk after dinner or something. Let her take baby steps.

beks101

It sounds like she's comfort eating and has an emotional connection with food.
I think it would benefit her to see a counsellor about this, in addition to the weight loss plan and exercise schedule. Someone who specializes in food / body images issues.

Weight loss starts first of all in the mind. As long as your mother holds onto this unhealthy association between food and comfort, the weight will stay put.

LegacyUser

i understand all the stuff you've written about wanting your mother to live longer, be happy in herself, all that.

but you need to CHILL OUT. your approach, IMHO, is completely wrong.

there's a big difference between helpful motivation and presenting the truth for someone's good, and what you're doing, which is nagging and treating her like a child. society does a good enough job of convincing obese people their whole existence boils down to 'fat and lazy', how on earth do you think your mother feels with her kids doing it too? the way you talk about her previous weight loss efforts sounds like you're blaming her for failing. well they're not for everyone, and while i congratulate you for YOUR weight loss you have to get the ''if i can and i'm suceeding and she's not then she's a failure'' idea out of your head.

if you stopped snooping looking for chocolate wrappers and maybe spent more time talking to the poor woman you might get further. what she's doing by hiding the eating sounds a lot like emotional eating, but she needs to see a trained professional councellor to get that diagnosed properly and deal with it the correct way. she doesn't need to be pushed and shoved and guilted and emotionally blackmailed. and telling her she's eating herself into a grave??? while that may, in the most technical of sense be true, it's not the sort of thing you say to someone out loud. it comes across as kind of bullying.

daisybelle2008

pencilsharp wrote: »

Hi all!

This is a problem which has really been affecting our whole family. My mam is overweight, obese actually. I too am on the heavy side but am doing something about it, I've taken up exercise and am monitoring what I eat and losing a lot of weight with it. The thing is when I decided to lose weight my mam said she would too, we promised each other that we'd do it together for ourselves and each other. I thought my mam was doing well, she is exercising, but I found out earlier this week that she's been eating crap behind our backs. My little sister is so upset, her friends dad died following a heart attack, my mam has already had a heart attack about 5 years ago. We are all so disappointed in her, it makes us feel sick that she's been lying to us. We confronted her about it earlier in the week and initially she denied it but then admitted that she's been secretly eating take aways and chocolates (it makes me feel so angry that she's done this). She swore to us that night that she would stop eating crap and start eating healthy but today I had to get something out of her car and I found chocolate bars in the glove compartment. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, thinking they might be there awhile, but then I found the receipt for them dated today. We want our mam to be here to see us get married, have grandchildren and all that kind of stuff but to be honest I don't think she will be. There is a huge history of heart disease in her family and her weight and the fact she has had a previous heart attack is not a benefit to her. She has let us all down. I've told her my fears and she just tries to make me feel bad, so now I've told her that I'm just going to let her eat herself into an early grave. I feel horrible for being so blunt with her and for even saying that but I thought it might shock her into reality but it doesn't have seemed to. I'm at a loss as to what to do now, I would really appreciate some help or suggestions. She's tried all the usual things like weight watchers (20+ times) and slimming world and she does them for awhile and then loses interest. I asked her if she would go to the Motivation clinics but she lost the plot with me when I suggested that, has anyone got any experience with them? I know she is not happy with how she looks, but she doesn't seem to be bothered to do anything about it. I know she has to want to do it for herself but I can't stand by and watch her slowly kill herself. To be honest I feel like giving up and leaving her to it at this stage, but I can't as it is really affecting with my little sister so much (she's only 17).

It sounds like your mother is a comfort eater and food is a crutch for her. You are basically emotionally bullying her and that is most likely driving her to eat more and in secret! Lead by example, do your own thing and let her see the results, but absolutely stop policing her.
As other Posters said ask her if she wants to go for a nice walk or do something healthy together or help make some healthy food but just ask or offer once, no more. Let her know the offer is open but she is free to make her own choices.

Chronic Button

It sounds like she might be suffering an eating disorder. That requires professional input, not diets. I know you are worried but you can't bully someone into changing.

looksee

Pencilsharp, you are looking for help in trying to help your mother, and that is commendable. You are a caring person trying to do their best for someone else - someone who probably has always been the one giving you advice and help, so it is not easy.

While I agree with what the others have said, I also understand that you are not a psychologist, and you have not had the training to deal with this kind of situation, you are just doing what feels right to you.

Please read the other suggestions and do your best with them. But don't feel that you are being told off, you are doing your best in a difficult and emotional situation. You - or rather your mother - most likely does need some professional help. Make some enquiries and when the dust has settled suggest gently to her that she might follow up some of the suggestions.

In the end though, she is an adult, she is entitled to make her own decisions, and like anyone with an addiction she has to want to sort it herself before she will make any progress.

Lorna123

First of all OP I understand your concern about your mother. I think the best way to get her to stick to a diet is to try and build up her confidence. You can do this by complimenting her on say her hair, her eyes and even the colours she wears. Get her to the stage where she feels good about herself and then she will want to go further by dieting to look even better. It is like a vicious circle, if she feels bad about herself she will just give up and continue on stuffing herself because she will feel that there is no point in dieting as she will never look good. If you keep on pointing out her good points she will get to the stage where she will feel confident enough to stick to a diet.

My understanding of the Motivation Clinics is that they are extremely expensive, i.e. 600 euro to be paid upfront for a few months work. Then every time you go you are required to buy special protein chocolate bars and drinks that cost 30 euro for a week's supply, so that's 600 to join and 30 euro a week thereafter !!!

I joined the Motivation Clinic a couple of years ago as I had tried everything else and this was something new. Now I did lose about 2 stone but the only reason I lost it was because I told everyone that I spent this amount of money joining and was met with the response that I was mad so I was determined to prove that it was worth it. I never followed their diet but did my own thing. I lost because I didn't want to lose face, but in my opinion once a person makes up their mind to lose weight they don't need to join anything. We all know what to eat and what not to eat in this day and age to lose weight.

Exercise is also important when losing.

will.i.am

Ok OP I understand that your upset about your mam not loosing weight but at the end f the day its her body and she can do what she likes with it. She knows what she is doing isn't benefiting her and she knows the risks she is taking so what I am saying is she is a big girl and well able to look after herself so basically you can advise her what to do but otherwise focus on loosing weight yourself and leave your mam alone.

LegacyUser

It's not that your Mam doesn't want to lose weight. It's more complex than that.

I'm a woman who has struggled with her weight for most of her adult life. I'm trying yet again to shed the 4 stone I need to lose and I'm finding it hard. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm putting my health at risk or that I look terrible. Nor do I need anyone to tell me how to lose the weight. The truth is that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. More specifically, I've an unhealthy relationship with every sort of junk food and chocolate bar going. I feel desperately unhappy because of my weight but guess what makes me feel better when I'm feeling low? Yes - more junk to make me even fatter and even more unhappy.

Your Mam is lucky to have family around her who care. My suggestion is for you all to be more hands on when it comes to your Mam's weight loss. Like go walking together in the evenings or going to exercise classes. Trying out new recipes - including low-fat treats. While some people find the motivation to lose weight without much help others need more of a push. Your Mam is one of those. Please don't attack the poor woman again. I know you did it with the best of intentions but it's not going to help her at all. Be her friend and try to help her in any way you can.

thefeatheredcat

Firstly I hope you've apologised to your mother about letting her eat herself into an early grave and explain that you are genuinely worried about her; while it may have had its shock value, it might also have been hurtful that rather than doing what intended to "motivate" her, it will have done possibly the opposite.

Given the family history of heart problems and given your mother has previously had a heart attack, I would be incredibly wary of pushing her into exercise without her speaking and planning something with her GP first. I personally don't think she ought to be pushed into joining weightwatchers or any of that craic, not unless she has had numerous discussions with a GP once she has committed herself to dealing with herself.

When it comes to losing weight, everyone is different in their needs, in their ability, some people can wake up Monday and think themselves overweight and start working on that straightaway and keep at it until the job is done, but not everyone can. I don't think, regardless of the good intentions, I don't think she is completely ready, I think she would need time to be prepared mentally and emotionally for losing weight and excerise and taking care of her health, if she's not prepared and hasn't accepted that she needs to do this for herself, then she is not going to be motivated to stay in weight watchers or various social dieting programmes if she is in the wrong frame of mind for it and may lose interest or be de-motivated easily.

I think in some ways with how you and your sister feel, you are projecting your own issues, your own insecurity onto her; she probably is aware that if she doesn't change she may not see ye grow up and get married and have kids, I'm sure she would recognise that even if only subconsciously in the back of her mind; what she doesn't need is someone pouring pressure through projecting their insecurity of not having a mother around when they're older on top of her which rather than motivate her, probably makes her feel worse about her current health and circumstances which would further move her away from ever losing weight and minding her health.

I don't think you should be quick to judge and berate her.... disappointing you and letting you and your sister down would be incredibly hard to deal with on top of disappointing herself and letting herself down. She probably is also busy beating herself up about it all and doesn't need an extra 2 people also giving her a hard time in failing to keep to a pact. I'm sure the first time you did something different or new or challenging or something that daunted you, or that you were afraid of, you may not have succeeded the first time either right? Then why should it be any different for your mother?

She knows she has health problems that is guaranteed. She has to be the one to face down whatever fear and challenges herself without being pushed or forced into it, even if you're doing what you're doing for her own benefit. She needs both of you to be along the sidelines encouraging her along even if she does comfort eat and hides wrappers and thus fall off the wagon a bit, she need to be encouraged to shake that off, told that's alright it doesn't matter, don't beat yourself up and get on back to losing weight and exercise and that.

Rather than getting frustrated and angry and disappointed with the situation and her, you need to take a step back and put yourself into her shoes and have a think about it all, show understanding and have a chat too. I can get the understanding that you are worried and really want her to sort this out asap but you can't lose your cool over wrappers and not keeping pacts you make, out of frustration with the situation because it has upset you, and will add nothing but a really sour and negative experience and mood around you, your sister and your mother.

As Looksee pointed out you are not a psychologist. maybe you are too close to the situation in providing that support that your mother needs to seek from friends and other family members and professional help? As Lorna suggested, getting her confidence up a bit, might be something really healthy for her to have assistance on right now that being built on she will be more confident in dealing with her health and weight issues.

I do think that you do need to take a step back and let others help her too, if professional help is needed then just be an encouragement in an overall process, rather than being the one directly involved as it would not be expected of you to cope with an issue someone else has or how deep it runs.

Scruffles

although can understand are afraid her eating habits will take her away forever,always remember she is an adult,taking away the control over someone who has issues with food can cause much bigger problems she needs to deal with it with support from everyone around her whilst feeling in control of her own eating and her own life.

food also releases specific 'feel good' neurochemicals in the brain which is why comfort eating is common.
if she wants to change she needs to find healthier ways of releasing the same chemicals-exercise is actualy one of them,she coud try a low stress form of exercise such as swimming,or look into sports clubs around her.

woud also recommend to her to look into a referal to a dietician.
used to be a regular at a NHS dietician as am labeled under eating disorder and also have severe food issues related to autism,when first started going to them the first thoughts were-this person is going to lecture and force but no what they actualy do is lecture free-they try to build awareness of what causes to eat 'abnormaly',show the alternative ways that can be used to deal with them-all with the full control of the patient.

the more we; humans are forced to do something in the way of someone elses choosing,the more we will go against that and do what we want, humans quite rightly do not like losing control of themselves.
she has used comfort eating as a coping strategy throughout her entire life so imagine how hard that is for her to change,she needs pyschological help to deal with it.

pencilsharp

Thank you all for your advice and support. Initially I was quite shocked at some responses and how against my approach you all were but when I sat down and thought about it I realised I was dealing with it all wrong. I suppose I was addressing my fear rather than the real problem. I have since spoken to my mam and I've told her that I am not going to address the issue with her again but that I will always be here if she wants to talk and that I will always support her. That I realise I'm the 'child' and I can't mother her!!

We always have exercised together and in fairness considering her weight she is quite fit and exercises regularly. And her cardiologist is aware of her exercising routine. Following her heartattack she was seen regularly by a psychologist (it was part of the rehab process), obviously I don't know what they discussed, and also a dietician. I think I will leave it up to her decide if she would like to revisit these professionals again or at least leave it awhile before I suggest it.

My sister is younger and is still quite irrational (like I've been) in her approach to dealing with the situation. She genuinely is fearful of losing her mother and can't understand my new approach, she feels as if I have given up on our mam and at present there is no talking to her, but I will keep trying.

Thank you for all the valuable advice. I can't say I'm 100% confident in what I've decided to do but I hope beyond hope that this has also been a learning experience for my mam.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

To be honest telling your mam "your disappointed in her" "she's let you all down" and "your eating yourself into an early grave" is not going to help. I'd say all she's hearing is what a disappointment she is as a person, then she feels crap about herself and does what???? ... reaches for some comfort food.Playing detective and routing for evidence of food isn't going to help either. You need to be supportive and encouraging, tell her you love and your proud of her, you are aren't you? I mean surely as a mum she's more than just an obese lady? Explain your concerns in a non-judgemental way if you feel you need to, but don't be on her back constantly.

elbee

OP, I think you're taking the right tack now but I wanted to tell you that I understand why you snapped and said what you did to your mum about eating herself into an early grave.

My dad was an alcoholic, and when I was 16 he went on a major bender, driving drunk on a very dangerous route every day, being unfaithful, the whole lot. I said some pretty awful things to him - worse than you said to your mum.

He died five years later of non-alcohol-related causes, having spent the intervening time with his drinking at a manageable level (never stopped, but reduced). I think he gave himself a fright that time.

The reason I said what I did was that I couldn't conceive that a pint of some black crap meant more to him than I did, or than his marriage did, or than his life and the lives of inoocent road users did. I just didn't get it. I thought he was making a conscious choice to put alcohol over me, and I even asked him why he'd bothered to have kids if he didn't care about them, etc.

What I didn't realise was that alcohol only meant more to him than I did for very short periods of time, and that he couldn't control that. He had a compulsion, whether you call it a disease or a mental illness or whatever, that meant that he was unable to take me or anything else into account when he made the decision whether to drink or not drink.

Your mum isn't taking a substance that changes her personality as dramatically as booze does, but when she feels the urge for a chocolate bar she's not consciously going 'Well feck pencilsharp and her sister anyway!', it's that at that moment, she honestly believes that the junk food will do her more good than harm, and she probably tells herself 'it's only the one bar/takeaway/junky thing of choice, I'll be good tomorrow. . . ' and honestly believes she will - but of course, tomorrow the compulsion will hit her again.

She can definitely beat it, but the impetus needs to come from her, and I think you've done the right thing giving her space.

I mostly just posted to let you know that what you said to her was an understandable and not uncommon emotional response to feeling like she was putting junk food ahead of being there for your sister and you, and that while it's great that you've come back from it, you're not the only person to say something like that.

Chucky the tree

Maybe bring your sister to a nutrionist or other professional to tell her what the best way to deal with this is.

Overheal

My oldest brother is a nutritionist and vegan, and very food smart. He scared the **** out of all of us with Vegannaise (a real product), almond milk, etc. when we first started discussing it.

Years on, the mother is vegan, the stepfather is vegan, the baby sister eats healthier, I eat healthier, my deep-fried-chick-loving father just rediscovered fruit like a born again christian rediscovering Jesus and my other brother is slowly warming up to getting off the frozen dinners but like a timid kitten, when you bring him home for the first time, you have to give him a lot of ****ing space and let him come out on his own.

Same thing here. Be a role model, not an evangelist. There is a right way and a wrong way to promote your healthy lifestyle. I know you care, but if you are confrontational about it you will never get anywhere with it.

December2012

I can understand your actions with your mam I really can.

I've had these discussions with a loved one.

I've also done the back off approach, the exercise approach, the supportive, etc you name it i e done it.

It hasn't worked.

I don't know what will work but I do think you have a right to speak about this. However I don't think you'll get through to her, much like I won't get through to my loved one.

A food addiction is like any other addiction.

If it was drugs you wouldn't be told to leave it alone, so why with food?

I'm asking this question genuinely. What can you do for somebody with a food abuse problem?

Chronic Button

December2012 wrote: »

A food addiction is like any other addiction.

If it was drugs you wouldn't be told to leave it alone, so why with food?

I'm asking this question genuinely. What can you do for somebody with a food abuse problem?

Actually food addiction does not affect those around the addict in the same way as drugs and alcohol and if you think it does, you are living in a fantasy world.

Plus the OP is not being told to leave it alone. She is being told not to be abusive.

"food addicts" (not sure that food addiction actually exists btw) need specialised treatment. If they choose not to seek it, that's their loss.