Sex problems. Was it me?

tomthetank

Hey,

Don't seem to have the ability to post un-reg here, but really would love some feedback on something that has sort of dented my confidence recently.

Back story is I was seeing a guy for a few months who was a friend of my ex. One drunken night it became more, I told him I had feelings, we started dating. The whole thing was a bit of a disaster and ended a few weeks ago with him avoiding me entirely when we were out with our friends one night and then sending a text the next day.

I'm getting back to myself, but confidence a bit crap, in no small part because of the bedroom relations between the two of us. In a nutshell, it never really happened, and not for want of trying, and my sexual confidence is a bit shaken.

Basically the first time we were together, we fell into bed drunkenly, fooled around, fell asleep. The next morning same thing, went to put the condom on and he lost his erection. Didn't think much of it, these things happen. Except it happened the next time we were in bed together...and the next time... Granted both times we both had been drinking, but those times it never went as far as getting the condom on...he simply couldn't get it up. Awkwardness ensues, I was as reassuring as I could be, but nothing said, just this sort of awkwardness and distance from him each time for about a week, after which he would ask me out again. This happened 3 or 4 times.

Meanwhile I'm falling madly for him, really enjoying the dates, but the bedroom issue was making me feel massively inadequate, questioning if it's me...and the silence from him for days after our last date each time wasn't helping either.

The last time we met, we went back to his for a movie, and the fooling around started again. First time we were both sober. This time all good, no problems with the mechanics, but less than ten minutes into foreplay it was game over...he came really quickly before penetration could even happen.

It was the week after that he ended things. And I can't help but feel like this disastrous sex thing had a lot to do with it. I'm torn between thinking he was just never into me at all and that's why he couldn't perform, and then thinking it was his embarrassment over this whole situation kept him at a distance and ultimately ended it.

But really, I can't shake that feeling that he just wasn't attracted enough to me to sustain an erection. I know these things happen, performance anxiety, booze etc..but I've never experienced it so persistently with a guy and don't know how to process it. I'm sure it's utterly soul destroying for him to have to deal with that as a man, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either.

For context, I'd be considered pretty, not a supermodel but I take care of myself, I've never had problems attracting men. But this is just bringing up a load of issues, I think both the sex problems & then the sudden rejection at the end. I feel utterly deflated and a little bit undesirable.

How do I get over this? Did this have something to do with me / was his attraction just not strong enough? Any male input would be great.

Thanks

LegacyUser

100% wasn't you, he is probably feeling equally mortified. If guys can't get it up, it is usually a psychological thing, obviously the drink wouldn't help.

100% was not a reflection on you if everything else you have said re outside of the bedroom is in any way true.

tomthetank

Yeah thanks, I know you're prob right...just hard to shake the insecurity, you know? Especially since there was absolutely zero communication about it and then the way it ended with him rejecting me so abruptly. It really sucked and made me question if he ever liked me and was attracted to me in the first place, and the bedroom issues have added to the confusion.

judgefudge

tomthetank wrote: »

Yeah thanks, I know you're prob right...just hard to shake the insecurity, you know? Especially since there was absolutely zero communication about it and then the way it ended with him rejecting me so abruptly. It really sucked and made me question if he ever liked me and was attracted to me in the first place, and the bedroom issues have added to the confusion.

Him rejecting you abruptly is probably due to embarrassment. As is the not talking about it. If he kept asking you out be did it for a reason, he liked you. He obviously has some sort of physical sexual issues and probably feels just as inadequate if not more. I wouldn't take this personally, I would feel sorry for him really. Is there any chance of you two having a convo and sorting it out?

daisybelle2008

tomthetank wrote: »

Hey,

Don't seem to have the ability to post un-reg here, but really would love some feedback on something that has sort of dented my confidence recently.

Back story is I was seeing a guy for a few months who was a friend of my ex. One drunken night it became more, I told him I had feelings, we started dating. The whole thing was a bit of a disaster and ended a few weeks ago with him avoiding me entirely when we were out with our friends one night and then sending a text the next day.

I'm getting back to myself, but confidence a bit crap, in no small part because of the bedroom relations between the two of us. In a nutshell, it never really happened, and not for want of trying, and my sexual confidence is a bit shaken.

Basically the first time we were together, we fell into bed drunkenly, fooled around, fell asleep. The next morning same thing, went to put the condom on and he lost his erection. Didn't think much of it, these things happen. Except it happened the next time we were in bed together...and the next time... Granted both times we both had been drinking, but those times it never went as far as getting the condom on...he simply couldn't get it up. Awkwardness ensues, I was as reassuring as I could be, but nothing said, just this sort of awkwardness and distance from him each time for about a week, after which he would ask me out again. This happened 3 or 4 times.

Meanwhile I'm falling madly for him, really enjoying the dates, but the bedroom issue was making me feel massively inadequate, questioning if it's me...and the silence from him for days after our last date each time wasn't helping either.

The last time we met, we went back to his for a movie, and the fooling around started again. First time we were both sober. This time all good, no problems with the mechanics, but less than ten minutes into foreplay it was game over...he came really quickly before penetration could even happen.

It was the week after that he ended things. And I can't help but feel like this disastrous sex thing had a lot to do with it. I'm torn between thinking he was just never into me at all and that's why he couldn't perform, and then thinking it was his embarrassment over this whole situation kept him at a distance and ultimately ended it.

But really, I can't shake that feeling that he just wasn't attracted enough to me to sustain an erection. I know these things happen, performance anxiety, booze etc..but I've never experienced it so persistently with a guy and don't know how to process it. I'm sure it's utterly soul destroying for him to have to deal with that as a man, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either.

For context, I'd be considered pretty, not a supermodel but I take care of myself, I've never had problems attracting men. But this is just bringing up a load of issues, I think both the sex problems & then the sudden rejection at the end. I feel utterly deflated and a little bit undesirable.

How do I get over this? Did this have something to do with me / was his attraction just not strong enough? Any male input would be great.

Thanks

OP, the fact this issue has you so down on yourself and negative is a sign that you are really not compatible with this guy. Him ignoring you, breaking up being generally wishy washy with poor communication, is evidence enough that he is definitely not someone to be investing time in (well not if you want to feel good about yourself). The bedroom issues I would see as further incompatibility, why even psychoanalyse the reasons, it is not your job to 'fix' whatever is in his head in that department, you have enough issues with your own self esteem.
He is not a good match for you OP. really forget him, work on yourself, you have posted enough threads running yourself down at his expense.
Obsessing about him is really dragging you down. Be good to yourself and be single for a while and don't settle for less than you deserve.

dellas1979

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, the fact this issue has you so down on yourself and negative is a sign that you are really not compatible with this guy. Him ignoring you, breaking up being generally wishy washy with poor communication, is evidence enough that he is definitely not someone to be investing time in (well not if you want to feel good about yourself). The bedroom issues I would see as further incompatibility, why even psychoanalyse the reasons, it is not your job to 'fix' whatever is in his head in that department, you have enough issues with your own self esteem.
He is not a good match for you OP. really forget him, work on yourself, you have posted enough threads running yourself down at his expense.
Obsessing about him is really dragging you down. Be good to yourself and be single for a while and don't settle for less than you deserve.

Totally agree with this post. The easiest thing to do is blame yourself. When in fact its not your fault-at all! Blaming yourself for his issues is pointless.

LegacyUser

Okay I am gonna share with you a personal perspective on this OP from a single guy who has had these issues. It's either gonna be helpful or come across as the ramblings of a madman.

First off it has ZERO to do with your attractiveness, in fact it could possibly work in reverse where someone he really, really wants it to work with his mind builds it up into an even bigger deal & for want of a simpler explanation his worrying brain & his anxiety systems are stealing all the blood that should be going to his penis.

(& once anything starts to go wrong in the penis dept, because culturally so much of guys self esteem is wrapped up in it, it can snowball into a self perpetuating cycle. Especially to a guy already suffering anxiety issues -- penis fail => anxiety overload => double anxiety for next sex attempt => double penis fail => severe issues with every first contact w females => problems establishing relationships at all => extended loneliness, singledom & general resignation with life)

But that's not to say you could have something to do with it. It takes two to tango they say & when people talk about how good someone is at sex they tend to think of it as what one persons physical body is doing unto anothers. But sex is not just physical it is the connection of two people in most intimate circumstances. So it involves emotion, feeling comfortable together, all sorts of mental exchanges & combinations, cues & of course then the physical.

So when i say you could have something to do with it I mean getting it right, not getting it wrong:
For any single guy facing issues of PE or ED one of the most frustrating things is when you seek advice on curing it from books or expert sources it that inevitably the first line of the chapter always begins: "Get you and your sexual partner into a comfortable place together..." - Well for single guys this is a nightmare, here you are with this overbearing problem that affects to your very core your worth as a man. The fix is to work on it in comfort with a partner. But every first contact with someone you are attracted to is being interfered with by this invisible wall you throw up between the two of you due to your fear of being a failure in the bedroom(&hence as a man altogether)

So the solution would be for you to be that partner for him, to be able to foster that open connection between the two of you where the issue can be brought out in the open frankly. & then to simply engage in a CBT like process where the pressure for him to perform is taken away & you begin to allow his anxiety to wane in the face of physical contact. And once that anxiety is allowed to drift away you will be surprised how quickly he can spring back to action.

In the end of the day though, you can't one-sidedly decide for the two of you that you are going to be open now & remain in the moment until you are/he is over it - it would have to be something both sides participate in. But if you feel he is worth one more go you could go back to him, now that you have read what is probably similar to his perspective, you could lay all cards on the table, say lets deal with this like grown ups & give it a proper shot or lets be done with each other forever. (& for gods sake.. dont involve ANY alcohol in trying to overcome erection issues!!!)

At the end of the day though, even if you do manage to coax him into dealing with these issues he probably has others that could do with talking to someone over. So be careful of thinking you can do the female version of the rescue fantasy & then land this guy as your catch forever


tl;dr his PE/ED problems have absolutely nothing to do with your attractiveness, but you could be part of his solution. it's about communication to openly state the issues first & then relaxing & working through dialing down his anxiety CBT style. Even if you get past this he may have other emotional issues that require counseling

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BTW i am not some guy who has all the answers for this, more some guy who has insight into having all of these problems personally(which i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy). Here are two related stories to illustrate my point:

Firstly, after years of never establishing relationships beyond basic post-nightclub roll-in-the-hay failures because of these issues & how they affected my self esteem & socialisation, i finally opened up to a girl who became hooked on me that i met somewhere whilst traveling. I didn't tell her about PE issues but opened up generally about loneliness & self doubt etc. So we met up & had a four week holiday driving around a scenic part of the world.

We were able to have reasonably successful sex & plenty of it, but the best part was hanging around intimately for long periods of time, just being naked together, showers, foreplay etc(& also plenty of other things not to do with sex). But I was never 'completely solid' & certain PE issues came into it, although not to a disastrous extent. It was still going through my mind constantly all throughout the sex basically & was still having some affect on my physical reactions.

We were being close & open but not completely. Then one day we tried another position, from behind & whatever way the actual physical contact went, or perhaps the lessened intimate face to face, i was basically able to go on forever, never felt even close. In my mind after 25 years of my whole manhood being a flop this was a huge moment. I was finally over it. Because sex had become like a test & how long you could go was whether you passed or failed (obviously providing an orgasm for the girl was also another measure for this but I had thought myself to do this by other methods so it didn't weigh as heavy on my mind).

Well you could imagine my horror when she didn't really enjoy that position & that experience, what for me had seemed my culminating victory. It all quickly deteriorated after that, i told both her & myself afterwards that it(the breakup) was because it was unrealistic that i would be able to move to her country and find work & due to her not understanding me on that. Only later chatting with a counselor did I realise that that moment could have been the perfect time for me to open up with her. Explain why that sex session meant so much to me, explain my issues with treating sex as a test for me to pass or fail & for us to continue to get closer & deal with it. The impasses between us was not about me finding work but not opening up about the intimacy & it ate away at us for the rest of the journey forcing a split.

Fast forward 5 years with little more than a few drunken fumbles in the meantime to the second story. Basically abroad again this time for schooling. Meet a (slightly older)girl who is in a relationship at home but wants to play while away. We get down to it & again I last a long time & think "great I'm finally over it", she was underwhelmed however, thought it was too physical, repetitive, not intimate but still wants to keep seeing each other.

Before our next experience I spill my guts out, both about disastrous sex history, pressure to perform & also various failed relationships, unrequited loves etc. She is a bit perturbed but hey, it's a sex only no pressure thing so we continue:

We go to bed, in the dark under covers, very warm, eyes closed, & instead of moving towards sex we dwell on 'necking' basically for ages and ages. And every time i want my hands to remove her last layer so we get down to it she bats me away she wants me to remain in this warm close connection place. Well the raw power i experienced at that moment between my legs was something I've never felt before.

Unfortunately it didn't end so well, despite harnessing my power in that one moment I felt one last panic attack. A thought went through my head that i read in a book by professor Robert Winston, that sometimes a couple can feel nothing for each other and then have sex & end up hooked on each other by brain chemicals & in love. I felt due to the power of that moment it was bound to happen for me & for other, practical reasons I didn't want that with this girl. This, combined with a paranoid android moment where a song came on her itunes that was playing with my name in it & the general intensity of the moment, my power but her saying not yet, led me to jump up, grab my clothes & go home. I let my head get in the way again.

She ended it the next time we met & it's been 5 years of no sex, very little messing around even with anybody even & general deepening isolation & depression(to do with this & other issues & the general economic situation/career failure). Basically because of inability to form connections I am hanging on to life by a thread. How to thread the fine line of opening up about these things early in a relationship, without causing a freakout by overly regurgitating feelings is a line i cant define.

sorry for derailing the thread.. maybe some of these insights will prove useful. (& yes i realise i need more counseling, lets hope i find the strength for that soon before i completely give up hope)

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I would take one issue with Daisybelle's point above also.. the fact that this guy isn't dependable with his contact is indeed a bad sign but it may not be that this guy simply doesn't feel you're worth it or couldn't care less, It may also be a symptom of the anxieties he feels putting himself out there. Girls tend to think when a guy doesn't call back as he's supposed to, that he's probably in the pub swilling pints mindlessly sniggering with his mates oblivious to the girls feelings waiting until he needs to scratch an itch until he finally gets to texting back.

That can often be the case, but it could just as easily be an overly shy guy sitting there trying to come up with the exact words to explain himself, or agonizing over some minor embarrassment that he has built into a mountain from a molehill. Either scenario could be like in my own case, not the sign of a most emotionally secure or healthy guy, - but i illustrate the point to show that his motivations might be different in each case.

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Sorry for the long rambling, maniacal, veering off topic answer, maybe it can be of some use to any younger anxiety riddled guys reading this thread & currently going through what i have gone through, that they learn from my mistakes because it is one of the contributants to me basically wasting my whole life & i wouldn't wish anyone to have to go through the same & not get past it before it's too late.