sexual attractiveness/problem with sex

mstern13

Hi

Ok so heres the problem...

I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 weeks now. We started to have sex about 2 weeks ago and have had sex about 4 times so far (well...we tried...)
Now I find my girlfriend quite attractive (lovely face, lips, beautiful eyes). I love her personality and to be frank, I could honestly not see my life without her in it (as my partner).

Now, in general, I find my partner very sexually attractive. I mean, I always want to hold her, touch her, kiss her, etc. (and lets face it, if I didn't find her sexually attractive, I doubt I would get an erection when holding, touching, kissing her).

However, the problem is that when it comes to the actual sex part, I lose my erection and there is nothing...and I mean nothing. It doesn't matter what is done, I can't 'get it up'.

Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 for sexual attractiveness, I would rate her highly(probably an 8/9) on that scale. However, when it comes to seeing her naked body and set for sex, I would rate her mid-table(4/5) , if even. She is a little overweight and I suspect that is what is causing me to lose attraction. (I apologise if I seem 'shallow' - I don't want to feel this way as I really love this girl - but I do feel this way)

What should I do in this situation? Do you think the erection problem is because of the attractiveness lacking? Should I give this 'relationship' some time? Should I call it a day?

Please - any advice suggestions on this would be helpful.

Thank you.

MS

tomthetank

Have you suffered from this problem before with past partners?

Is her weight an issue to you to the point where it's off-putting during the act itself, or are you just trying to find reasons for your loss of erection and settling on this? I guess there's a difference between being a few pounds overweight and a few stone - especially if you're into slim girls generally.

I guess ultimately you have to figure out if the problem for you is physical/psychological i.e stress, anxiety, nerves, exhaustion, alcohol etc...or if it's simply a lack of attraction. You do know that a girl can be pretty/physically attractive generally and still not really do it for you? Attraction is a very personal thing.

judgefudge

Have you had problems in this department in the past? If so it may be a performance anxiety?

It not, to be honest I would leave it... Might sound harsh but physical attraction and sex is very important in a relationship and it's something that's either there or it's not. You can think the world of someone without finding them hot. Get out while the relationship is still young. And don't tell her it's because of her weight!

mstern13

thanks for your reply. First of all, let me say, I have had short-term relationships in the past (with no sex), but this is the first relationship where I have had sex.

So are you saying that although when we touch/caress, kiss, etc and I easily get an erection, this is normal and not a sign of sexual attractiveness?

How long can performance anxiety go on for?..I mean, after the first time, I would put it down to performance anxiety...but after the fourth time???..how long can this go on for?

Strawberry Fields

Don't leave her yet, clearly performance anxiety, I assume you can get aroused to porn or whatever. Spend more time really falling for her, it's just a confidence thing you'll get over it after one under your belt.

judgefudge

Since its your first time having sex I would definitely give it a chance.

I haven't had any experience with performance anxiety in the past so I doubt I can give great advice. But just take it slowly for the moment.

IrishEyes19

six weeks is very early to even know you are in love. Have you known her longer. I just think you are a little pre-mature in your feelings here and that could be part of that. correct me if Im wrong. I think love has to work both ways. Romantic Love comprises of an emotional and physical attraction. Without one, it doesnt exist in my opinion. What you are lacking makes your gf simply a friend. It is after all sex that makes all the difference between relationship and friendship. you love your friends for instance but you are romantically and physically in love with your girlfriend.

If you really arent attracted to her, Im not sure its very fair to her. you know she deserves better and I really think if you were 100 percent behind this, it wouldnt matter. Her physique doesnt turn you on. It sounds horrible but its obviously the case for you. I dont know what to say other than you need to either get past that or let her move on. She deserves better.

smash

mstern13 wrote: »

So are you saying that although when we touch/caress, kiss, etc and I easily get an erection, this is normal and not a sign of sexual attractiveness?

Well if you get an erection while kissing and caressing, then it sounds like performance anxiety when it comes to the actual act. Do you make a big deal about it? Stopping to get a condom, taking time to take your clothes off etc?

It might be an idea to just get your clothes off and get into bed, have a fondle and a kiss and have a condom to hand that can be slipped on quickly when you're ready...

AnonoBoy

mstern13 wrote: »

thanks for your reply. First of all, let me say, I have had short-term relationships in the past (with no sex), but this is the first relationship where I have had sex.

So are you saying that although when we touch/caress, kiss, etc and I easily get an erection, this is normal and not a sign of sexual attractiveness?

How long can performance anxiety go on for?..I mean, after the first time, I would put it down to performance anxiety...but after the fourth time???..how long can this go on for?

Don't listen to IrishEyes19 saying that you're not into her. It's performance anxiety.

It's not her at all, don't worry about that. Ask any of the older male boardsies and they'll probably have tales about sleeping with girls that they're not really that into at all (so once it's up it's very rare for the sight of her naked to make you lose it)

My advice would be to maybe have a few drinks the next time and take it slowly. Very slowly. Once you're naked don't try and go straight for it. Take your time. Keep kissing, lots of foreplay and then try it.

Sex might not be the mind-blowing experience you think it will be at the start. But once you've done it the first time you'll be more confident and you can learn together.

Good luck.

kylith

It does indeed sound like performance anxiety. Try to relax and take things a bit more slowly. It happens the best of men occasionally.

IrishEyes19

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Don't listen to IrishEyes19 saying that you're not into her. It's performance anxiety.

It's not her at all, don't worry about that. Ask any of the older male boardsies and they'll probably have tales about sleeping with girls that they're not really that into at all (so once it's up it's very rare for the sight of her naked to make you lose it)

My advice would be to maybe have a few drinks the next time and take it slowly. Very slowly. Once you're naked don't try and go straight for it. Take your time. Keep kissing, lots of foreplay and then try it.

Sex might not be the mind-blowing experience you think it will be at the start. But once you've done it the first time you'll be more confident and you can learn together.

Good luck.

Wow calm down. i only suggested it. i also said he might be rushing ahead of himself with the love stuff. im entitled to my opinion and the op actually said he doesnt find her attractive, that she has extra weight. might serve you well to actually read his post.

Op by the way if anything stiffles performance by the way, its drink so i dont think its a good idea to get into a routine of doing that before sex. As iv said above i never said you werent into her, i actually suggested it as an option for you to consider and i also commented its very early in your relationship to be so concerned.

Sometimes even the harshest of options have to put out there to consider, because no one be they male or female likes to be broken up, or told that they arent attracting their partner. But its even harsher to find out later that someone has been feeling this way for so long and never addressed it.

jantheman91

For all those saying it's anxiety i highly doubt it. The OP has the ability to become aroused from touching, kissing, and the likes. I think it's something entirely different and the fact you are mentioning her being a tad overweight leads me to believe that therein lies your problem.

im confused again

OP, This is your first time, you are probably quite young, and being your first time you will naturally feel anxious. Is it your gf's first time too, if not then perhaps you are worried about measuring up.
You say that you have strong feelings for this girl, so therefore she ticks a lot of your boxes, and naturally you want to tick a lot of her boxes, one of those boxes, being good in bed. All men want that box ticked.
You are anxious, and once that gets into your head it is very difficult to get it out. I agree with one of the posters that a drink or two (but that's all) before hand can help you relax and be less anxious. Too much drink will make the situation worse.
For a long term relationship to work it definitely needs both emotional and physical attractiveness as one of the posters already said. But your relationship is very young, as the emotional attractiveness grows so probably will the physical attractiveness.
When you are with your girlfriend, try to concentrate less on your erection and more on what you are doing with your hands to give her pleasure, this will help. I agree with the poster above, when you have the erection, don't waste any time, go for it, once you start having sex you will be unlikely to loose your erection, taking your time will probably just feed into your anxiety.

Cerulean Chicken

OP did you post about this before when you were with her 1 week?

kylith

jantheman91 wrote: »

For all those saying it's anxiety i highly doubt it. The OP has the ability to become aroused from touching, kissing, and the likes. I think it's something entirely different and the fact you are mentioning her being a tad overweight leads me to believe that therein lies your problem.

Plenty of young men, especially those who are only becoming sexually active, have no problem achieving erections from touching and kissing, but lose them when it comes to the actual act of sex because of anxiety.

baby and crumble

mstern13 wrote: »

Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 for sexual attractiveness, I would rate her highly(probably an 8/9) on that scale. However, when it comes to seeing her naked body and set for sex, I would rate her mid-table(4/5) , if even.

Op, I'm confused by this. If she's sexually attractive, how can she suddenly be 'mid table' as you put it? That makes very little sense to me. I reckon you're possibly looking for excuses, even though you don't need them. Losing an erection happens, even if you're totally revved up and raring to go. It's like when a girl doesn't get wet even though she's sexually aroused. Things happen.

I will say, and I might get shot down for this, but your gf deserves someone who sees her as a 10, especially when she's naked.

Lorna123

You are expecting too much to think that you can have a perfect woman with a perfect body. My guess is that you are not giving this relationship enough time to develop before attempting sex. You are rushing into it and trying to get the sexual thrill before the feelings have developed, so now you are all confused. My advice would be to give the relationship time to develop before trying to seal it.