Insecure about gf's career

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Ive been seeing this lovely girl for a while. She is very well educated. she has a doctorate and works in a uni. but i am no where near as educated or on the same job level as her and its starting to make me feel insecure now. like she does lectures and has to go abroad to give one soon. im so impressed by this stuff and it makes me feel not good enough. im trying not to let it bother me. we have both said we love each other recently so that should be enough for me. i know how insecurities can ruin a relationship so i dont want to let that happen. the thought of being like that makes me feel icky! i dont want to be one of those bfs.
i suppose its just the not feeling good enough thing.
any advice on what i can do to try control this?

thanks

IrishEyes19

you need to work on this ASAP. She would not be with you if she had issues with your career or education. Simple as! People are just different. Career choices are based on so many different factors, background, family, interests, oppurtunities, finance, god I could spend all day listing reasons. But you really will not succeed or set up a good relationship here if you make this bigger than it is. you need to be on par emotionally with your gf to work out and you are, you love each other. Dont let insecurities like this destroy that, because trust me, it will bring your relationship down like a deck of cards and you will regret it. best of luck.

How to fix it. There is no quick fix because you are creating an issue that isnt there. Are you financially stable? All a partner cares about is that their other half loves them, is a good person, knows right from wrong and isnt financially dependent when they dont need to be and are capable of work.

Your relationship is good, OP! Dont ruin it for the sake of this!

thefeatheredcat

Well you've started right in identifying that you are insecure about her education level ....

... however, you need to deal with this. You need to get this right in your head that (and this is a bit blunt/harsh) that it's not because of her education level/qualifications/ambition/whatever, it's because of yours and how you feel about yourself. Then you can do something about it for yourself. You said you're impressed by it, to the point of being insecure of your own merits and worth, that you don't feel good enough then use being impressed by it to change your situation if you don't feel by your own standard (and not by comparison to her) that you haven't fulfilled enough in that area of education and learning or skills.

Now if you feel not good enough in the sense that you're thinking "what the heck is she doing with me, she could be with someone else more educated and more qualified" then don't think like that, don't let yourself fall into that, because she more than likely doesn't care about that stuff and likes you for you and the person you are.

If you want to better yourself, do it for yourself if you're unhappy with your achievements and feel you could do more and fulfill more for yourself, then pursue something. If you're happy with what you've achieved then be happy with it, but don't get into the habit of comparing yourself to her, because after all, like any other two random people in the world, everyone has different skills, abilities, education, talents, creativity and have lots of different things to offer which each in turn makes them valuable and part of a greater whole. You can still bring a lot to the relationship and a lot to her life without having a bunch of letters after your name that really probably don't matter a whole lot to her for anyone to have, she would love you just the same with or without them.

My best advice is be happy with your lot, then be happy with what you have, if you're not happy and fulfilled, then change how you feel by applying yourself and fulfil an educational or learning need;

if you're threatened and insecure by her achievements it can lead to resentment towards her and losing your self esteem and it can go quite horrible that rather than encouraging her if she wants to further herself or being happy for her for what she has accomplished, you belittle and chop away at her self esteem to make yourself feel better about your self, rather than see that she's not the problem at all; from personal experience it's not a nice thing to be on the receiving end of and will ruin a good relationship, so don't let yourself fall down that route. I don't think you will if you feel insecure and are prepared to acknowledge and identify it and it is something that you can work on, rather than letting it bother you to destroy a great relationship.

judgefudge

If she's with you then she obviously thinks you're good enough. There's a lot more to a person than their career. And this is comin from someone doing a doctorate.

Provided shes not been making any comments then it's only you who is making you feel this way and it's only you who can stop yourself from feeling this way. If you want to better yourself then by all means go for it but if you have a job you like and you're content stop worrying about it!

Katgurl

I know a girl who is a phd-qualified lecturer who goes abroad to give lectures a lot.

For most of last couple of years I was subjected to a daily lunchtime rant about her never-ending quest to find and keep a boyfriend. Every interaction, flirtation, date, ONS, relationship would be dissected and obsessed over, photos would be pored over, emails analysed, conversations regurgitated, Facebook interrogated. Mind numbingly boring stuff and I'm not for one minute suggesting your girlfriend is like her. However throughout the exhaustive investugation I never ever heard her mention anything about profession or education level despite her own achievements in this field.

Don't assume something is an issue or even a consideration when it very clearly is not.

tomthetank

Career is just one aspect of someone, and doesn't define who this woman is.

She sounds academic, probably always excelled at school and is now successful in her professional life. Good for her. But that doesn't mean she's superior to anyone in the romantic stakes, it doesn't mean she hasn't struggled with relationships in the past like the rest of us, or that finding the right man has come any easier to her.

Trust me, as someone who has the ambition, education, intelligence and luck that your gf seems to have. I've been successful, I've achieved things in my career that lots of people dream of. But finding love with a good man who has a good heart has evaded me thus far, much like it has a lot of my wonderful friends, and I'd kill to have what this woman has in you - someone to love her, care for her, respect her and make her feel special and wanted.

That's what makes you "good enough", if you're looking for a concrete way of validating your worth to her. Love her completely. Support her in her career. Be loyal to her. Care about her with all your heart. Listen to her, understand her. Respect her and be proud to have a smart, bright, independent lady on your arm, as she obviously sees something in you that you don't seem to see yourself.

LegacyUser

you peeps are great!

some nice comforting words there.
yes i have confidence issues which ive been trying to deal with for the last year. doing things like joining toastmasters. and she knows about these issues also.
im worrying about nothing really.
thanks

Emme

OP, situations like yours are getting more common these days because more women graduate from college than men. Obviously she likes you for yourself otherwise she wouldn't date you. If you want to do further study for your own sake by all means go ahead and do it, but it probably wouldn't make any difference to your relationship. Good luck.

baby and crumble

Op, I am pretty academic. Like your gf, I have gone abroad to conferences, lectured etc. My gf is incredibly creative, and immensely impressive to me because of that. I can't begin to imagine things the way she sees them because my brain doesn't work like hers. That's not to say she's not intelligent, far from it. I'm simply saying that it may possibly/ probably be the case that your gf sees something in you that makes her feel insecure. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm saying that just because someone has 'excelled' in one area of life it doesn't follow that they have in everything. Opposites attract, and frankly I couldn't think of anything worse that being with someone who was the same as me. We'd bore the pants off each other.

Beruthiel

insecure12 wrote: »

any advice on what i can do to try control this?

I've never judged anyone on what they do for a living.
You can be the richest, most educated person on the planet and still be an asshole.

I am only interested in character and the kind of person you are.
That is the only important thing when allowing someone into your life.

Clearly your g/f is with you because of your character.
You're on a winner here Mr. Insecure and you are a lucky man to have a g/f who knows the real worth of a person.
This is a non issue. Let it go.