Wits end

LegacyUser

A bit of an issue here, I was reading through these threads the last while and I see that there is lots of vaild advice out there so I am hoping for some!
I am with BF for 5 years, living together for 3yrs. In the begining it was great (as all relationships are) He freaks out at the thought of going to weddings, parties, Christenings, anything that we are invited to unless it is on his side of the family, where he has no issue going to! He stood me up at a friends wedding two years ago.. boys will be boys. He was not having much luck with work since the downturn but he is a worker and loves to work and now he has a job that he stays away for Mon-Thurs, I am so glad he has work as its great for a mans confidence to have work and be busy. i am a mature student and work at the weekends until 10pm so I rarely see that much of him anymore. I have tried so hard to make time for us but he is not interested and claims to be very busy farming at the weekends which is perfectly understandable it is very time consuming job but he has a brother and father who farms it full time and to me he just tags along with them, again this is great for him. But my problem is that when I mention that we spend an evening together I get shot down, we really only have sunday evening as i finish work at six. Last week a very good friend of ours got engaged and myself and another friend organised a party. BF told me he was working late and he would be there about 10pm, thats fine with me, he would be tired, he never showed up. When I got home he was in bed. on valentines day he never phoned, no card, no flowers.. Im no diva I dont expect expensive flowers etc but i would have liked a phonecall seeing as he is living away during the week. Now my "friend" is having her party at the weekend and BF says he cant wait and is going. This would normally delight me but this "friend" is half my size and she is beautiful that he meets in the gym.
He is usually giving out about having to go anywhere and his lack of interest in me lately has me a little bothered... Im not a green eyed monster, but i am wondering what I should do... If this was my sister or friend i would say get outta there ASAP, but as you know it is not always that easy. I love him, I think deep down he loves me, but his lack of interest in me is knocking my confidence... Help

Merkin

And you're with him why?

ManOfMystery

OP I think you need to take a step back and look at this situation clearly. Sometimes when you're in the middle of things you can't see the wood for the trees.

He doesn't seem to have any interest in spending time with you alone
You appear to be initiating all attempts to spend time together
He doesn't go to any events you want him at. This is obviously not a social issue as he has no problem attending events he wants to go to.
You really only spend one evening together a week, despite sharing a home
He doesn't show you any consideration or make an effort
And the most important thing, after spending 5 years in a relationship together you "think that deep down he loves you" ...???

I don't want to sound harsh, but I get the sense that this man has little or no interest in the relationship. Why he's still in it is beyond me - perhaps it's a relationship of convenience for him now. People in happy relationships want to spend time together. He sounds like he wants to avoid you.

You're worth much more than this. Have you spoken to him about it to see what's going through his head? If he's not interested in making an effort or progressing your relationship, it's time to move on.

ElleEm

Have you mentioned this to him at all?

It does seem strange that he doesn't seem to spend any time with you. It is also out of order that he "stood you up" twice, I just think that is incredibly rude. And you excused this by saying "boys will be boys"? Standing someone up is inexcusable, but I would never have imagined it happened outside a first date. This is your longterm boyfriend! I presume you spoke to him about skipping the party and going to bed. What was his reaction?

Could he be anxious about meeting with your friends and family? Do you leave him by himself while you chat to others? It's clearly not social anxiety if he is grand going to his own friend's/ family things.

He seems incredibly selfish. The fact that you rarely see each other, and he doesn't seem to care would be a big red flag to me.

Regarding this party at the weekend, stop worrying about this girl. It is your friend and you should enjoy it. I understand that insecurities are creeping in, but you need to speak to your boyfriend about them instead of worrying about how slim and "beautiful" this girl is!

Forever Hopeful

Op,
I second what Man of Mystery wrote. It is exactly what I thought when I read your post.
Sorry to be harsh but this guy is a coward and too scared to break up with you which he obviously does
How can someone love you deep down when they don't even want to spend time with you.
Sounds like he has the hots for your friend.
Cut him loose and save your dignity.
Sorry!

Catari Jaguar

Insecurity is a side effect of loving too much but receiving too little in return. It seems as though he is taking you for granted.

Tell him how you feel.

IrishEyes19

OP, please leave this guy. Read your post over again, there is nothing there that suggests this man deserves you. He has treated you horribly. I know its easy for people to say end it, but its sounds awful!!

Stavro Mueller

There's not much I can add to what the posters above me have said. Just to say that while it's great that you're not a diva, you might need to accept that you're something at the other end of the scale. A well-trampled doormat comes to mind.

Man of Mystery put his finger on it when he said "Why he's still in it is beyond me - perhaps it's a relationship of convenience for him now. People in happy relationships want to spend time together. He sounds like he wants to avoid you." As I read down through this I got more and more annoyed at the way he has been treating you. Not to mention your accepting of it all because shur isn't it great for a man's confidence to be working, boys will be boys etc. To be fair, nobody's perfect and people do hurt their loved ones from time to time. What you're describing aren't lapses in judgement. They're painting a portrait of a man who is at best indifferent to you.

It's nearly like he's waiting for you to take the hint and shove off. I wonder too is it a relationship of convenience for you as well? That it's better off to be with someone who you think deep down might love you than to be on your own.

meeeeh

I think you come second after his family and the farm. I'd also guess that he doesn't overly like your friends or even your family. I believe you that he does love you but I don't think you are his first priority. I wouldn't worry about the other girl, I even think he is completely oblivious about your insecurities. I know a couple of men like that and their partners either spend plenty of time pursuing their own interests or they are bored and miserable. In fact my Mil is excellent bridge player. it's up to you to decide if this is enough for you or if you need more. One thing you shouldn't do is tell yourself that it will be different one day.