advice

breno69

Hey all..!
Just want an opinion on something. What does it mean when she says she "not going to apologise for finding what she wanted with me in someone will to give it " Is there some hidden meaning in this or is it a pure hateful comment to make..??

IrishEyes19

breno69 wrote: »

Hey all..!
Just want an opinion on something. What does it mean when she says she "not going to apologise for finding what she wanted with me in someone will to give it " Is there some hidden meaning in this or is it a pure hateful comment to make..??

It really depends on the situation, OP. I mean how was your relationship. did you treat her well ect. Are you broken up or was there infidelity. Its very vague. Even if your relationship was solid in your eyes, it is possible, something didnt click for her. It really depends on the context of how she said this. did you make her feel guilty for ending the relationship ect if thats the case and she is saying, she doesnt feel bad for wanting someone who can make her happy.

you really need to specify the background story here.

breno69

ah we broken up a while now no infidelity or the likes .! But after it we developed a sort of casual meet up kind of thing, which looking back on now was a mistake as it only confused things more. we were prob both wrong in doing this but it felt ok because it was us and no 1 else involved. She did love me when we were together and would of done anything for me i possibly felt the same but didnt want admit it out of fear i wasnt ready or wasnt able give the total commitment she wanted.
It wasnt a case of me wanting to play the field, I did care for her and her alone. But we possiblly made mistake of going down the physical comfort road after break rather then the mantel 1. but then out of blue after sleeping with me for over a year after breakup she goes off with someone else and starts up a serious relationship like a week after last being with me. While in the relationship she tells me she confused and doesnt know what she wants .
All this is fair enough on her part to move on and be happy i would never deny that. But i want to know is it possible that this is some sort of rebound relationship she has started out of hurt more so then love, is it possible she may still av feelings toward me and hope for us. I dont want say anything to her as dont want her think im making her choose, if she happy and has exactly what she wants so be it ill let sleeping dogs lie...!!!
How do i prove im ready for a committed relationship and that what happend after breakup was a mistake and not the true me without sounding foolish or sounding desperate..!

IrishEyes19

breno69 wrote: »

ah we broken up a while now no infidelity or the likes .! But after it we developed a sort of casual meet up kind of thing, which looking back on now was a mistake as it only confused things more. we were prob both wrong in doing this but it felt ok because it was us and no 1 else involved. She did love me when we were together and would of done anything for me i possibly felt the same but didnt want admit it out of fear i wasnt ready or wasnt able give the total commitment she wanted.
It wasnt a case of me wanting to play the field, I did care for her and her alone. But we possiblly made mistake of going down the physical comfort road after break rather then the mantel 1. but then out of blue after sleeping with me for over a year after breakup she goes off with someone else and starts up a serious relationship like a week after last being with me. While in the relationship she tells me she confused and doesnt know what she wants .
All this is fair enough on her part to move on and be happy i would never deny that. But i want to know is it possible that this is some sort of rebound relationship she has started out of hurt more so then love, is it possible she may still av feelings toward me and hope for us. I dont want say anything to her as dont want her think im making her choose, if she happy and has exactly what she wants so be it ill let sleeping dogs lie...!!!
How do i prove im ready for a committed relationship and that what happend after breakup was a mistake and not the true me without sounding foolish or sounding desperate..!

I think, OP and I could be wrong. I think she probably does have feelings, but when with you, as you said yourself, committing wasnt something you wanted at the time, and after you broke up, it was just a casual relationship an nothing more. She probably met someone who wanted exactly what she wanted. mutual attraction, and a relationship that involved commitment. I doubt her comment was hateful or out of spite. Im just guessing, but I think it might just be a woman who wanted more when you were in a relationship or casually seeing each other, and its too late. Someone offered her that. I know its not nice. But I dont think she meant anything cruel by it.

breno69

Ya i get what you saying, So im guessing it dont matter how i feel now it too late even if i want the exact same things now and more. So when she says she wants be friends and me still be part of her life and doesnt want me to vanish does that just mean what it says.?
Do you thing it best if i just cut all ties and contact and accept what is. Would it make any differance if I said how I really felt or would that be just rubbing salt in the wound.?

IrishEyes19

breno69 wrote: »

Ya i get what you saying, So im guessing it dont matter how i feel now it too late even if i want the exact same things now and more. So when she says she wants be friends and me still be part of her life and doesnt want me to vanish does that just mean what it says.?
Do you thing it best if i just cut all ties and contact and accept what is. Would it make any differance if I said how I really felt or would that be just rubbing salt in the wound.?

It's really hard to tell and I do feel for you. I'm not going to berate you here either for not wanting to commit to her earlier, I dont know the ins and outs of your relationship well enough to pass comment that way, but its very hard to tell. Now the reason I would advise against telling her how you feel is because you have to 100 percent mean your words. It would be terribly unfair of you to declare your feelings and then realise half way though you didnt mean it. You know you run the risk too of being told to go away, that she is happy. I dont know how solid your friendship is either, would be it hard to be friends. Im sure she is fond of you, has feelings left over. But sometimes people have enough too. They dont want the drama of casual relationships and the pain of investing so much into them only to be left wanting more.

you dont sound like a bad guy. just someone who missed the boat unfortunately. you need to decide which is best for you. do you 100 percent want to give this a real go or are you unsure. If it is the latter. Let her go.

tomthetank

breno69 wrote: »

Hey all..!
Just want an opinion on something. What does it mean when she says she "not going to apologise for finding what she wanted with me in someone will to give it " Is there some hidden meaning in this or is it a pure hateful comment to make..??

It means you emotionally withdrew from her after the break-up/start of the casual relationship, and she interpreted that as you not being willing to commit to her. She interpreted that as meaning you didn't want what she wanted, which was a full relationship with all the commitment and dedication and emotional availability required to have a relationship.

So she moved on.

dellas1979

You wouldnt/couldnt give her what she wanted....so she is trying to move on.
Does sound like she does have feelings for you. If you are serious about committing to her, tell her. If you are not, leave it be. Do not go messing with her feelings.

breno69

Yes all good valid points. Maybe i should Leave things way they are and move on myself too. But in moving on it means I will be committing to someone else and she will see this and see me giving someone else all the things I didnt give her back when I was afraid to open up and acknowledge true feelings. I wouldnt want her think it was something do with her and have it affect any sort friendship we have.

jantheman91

My taking on this is:

She told you she found what she wanted in you in someone else. That's completely unnecessary and downright childish. Why the fcuk do you need to know? I really can't understand how cold and bitter people in this world are.

Move the hell on with your life dude and find someone else. You'll thank yourself in 30 years time.

breno69

Ah I will move on alright.. Ha she has pretty much proven that love is not about the person but more about what you want the person for..!!! Guess I want be totally sure about the person more so then the actual story that would follow..!!!! not that i want to over rate myself it just an opinion i could be wrong..!

IrishEyes19

breno69 wrote: »

Ah I will move on alright.. Ha she has pretty much proven that love is not about the person but more about what you want the person for..!!! Guess I want be totally sure about the person more so then the actual story that would follow..!!!! not that i want to over rate myself it just an opinion i could be wrong..![/Quote

no you see you are getting this wrong. It was her way of saying this is the security i wanted in our relationship. you are making this very petty as is she doesnt care. she does thats why she moved on because it became too much for her

Lorna123

Why are you disappointed now that she had moved on? Are you sure you only want her because it is too late?

What you could do is tell her how you feel, that you would like a committed relationship with her if there is any chance that she might feel the same if you commited to her. She will probably feel that you are only saying this because you are losing her. I don't know how you will get around that one, but if you really would like it to work with this girl then what you have to do is tell her how you feel and that you are willing to commit to her now and if she then says sorry it is too late well at least you can move on knowing that you tried.

dellas1979

Yeah-sounds a bit suss/game playing = playing with emotions.

If you wanted to be with her and commit to her, t'would be as plain as the nose on your face. And nothing would stop you telling her.

Commit to whom ever you want! But just make sure its for the right reasons (as one poster said, not just because she has to move on). Do not play with this girl's emotions (again) if you are not being honest and have no intention of following up.

blatantrereg

Ha she has pretty much proven that love is not about the person but more about what you want the person for..!!!

no that's nonsense. She wasn't looking for you to buy her a car or something. Nothing wrong with wanting an emotional commitment in a relationship. Hardly trying to use you by wanting one - which is what you make it sound like.

Message is probably a little spiteful. Most likely reflects that your uncertainty for so long has left her feeling a bit crappy about herself. Now someone seems to want the sort of thing she wanted, so she feels validated and wanted to make the point to you.

Your immediate reaction of suddenly wanting to commit to her reflects very badly on you imo. Show her respect by leaving her alone. You've made your bed so lie in it.

breno69

Well it not that i suddenly want it all now she is gone or that i just released it, it was always there I just figured she deserved better then what i could offer. I mean we both 31 years old now so and pushing on so im not surprised she is/wants move on and live a life.
When we were together it was great, But i guess i got scared by how much she wanted me and didnt know if i could live up to it. I could see every time i made her happy the closer she got and more she idealised me, so i guess i feared she may get so close that if anything did heppen in future it would devastate her. So i decided to step out of relationship to figure out i was in it for her or for me..!Then the whole casual meetings started and i suppose i hid there and went along with it without giving time to figure out want i needed know in 1st place, and more i stayed there the worse and worse things got from an emotional side.
I mean if it is too late it too late Ill accept it, but think as we did get on so well it be a shame lose such a good friendship. I know the whle ex's should not be friends thing ut i would never lead her on or put her in a situation like before again. I just want know what she might be thinking, like is she truely over me are her feelings gone, wold she be looking at me a saying maybe in the future or would i be there as some sort of safety net to fall back on, ! thing i know is i do not want go back to that casual place again would rather av nothing as i release how wrong it was.
Also when you love someone as much she says she loved me from a woman's point of view where do all does feelings and emotion go when you meet and commit to someone else, regardless of the foolish mistakes i made..???

blatantrereg

A profound change in the way you view the object of your love, or a profound change in the way you view yourself - both of these are things that can extinguish love.
It's one reason why people are usually more fickle when they're young. The younger you are the less established/more changeable your view of things.

breno69

blatantrereg wrote: »

A profound change in the way you view the object of your love, or a profound change in the way you view yourself - both of these are things that can extinguish love.
It's one reason why people are usually more fickle when they're young. The younger you are the less established/more changeable your view of things.

Not too sure what that means..!!??
We never feel out with each other, and dont now/ever think bad of other person it just things went a certain way they shouldnt of.
She may of released she needed more and deserved more which would be true but im asking how would she look on me when she see's Im after those things too.
Is it perfectectly normal that straight after a situation like ours finished, which did involve close feelings and also hurt, that she is now truely in love and happy with someone she just met after like the 1st bloke she tried with. can u realy fall in and out that fast, or is it more a matter of she thinks well he seems nice and treats me good so i may as well go with this,!!