What is Love??? Baby Don't.......know

LegacyUser

Hello RI,

I wasn't sure if this was technically more appropriate to PI but probably much the same.
Hope you can give me some advice/direction/solace...

I am a guy and I will be 31 in a few months. I am currently in my fourth serious relationship (which is about 2.5 yrs at this stage). Previous to that relationships have been 3 years, 3 years and 2 years respectively. All four relationships came about through different means - first girl I met through friends, second through, third via online dating and current, just on a random night out. I mention this, just more to highlight that I haven't been confined to one "method" of meeting girls (for want of a much better phrase).

So you might ask what is the problem?

Well, the problem is that at some point in the relationship usually into the 2nd/3rd year, I begin to question the value of the relationship and essentially I find myself really liking the girl (Mostly) but not really loving her, despite initial and sustained sparks in the first 18 - 24 months. I guess one could say that I can rather easily fall in love, and seemingly unfortunately, just as quickly fall out of it.

Right now, as I type this, I can say I love my current GF, but I also strongly feel that that love instead of growing, might actually be declining. Before I met this girl I had taken myself out of relationship space for almost two years as all of my previous relationships have pretty much finished along a similar track record, and I wanted a break to do my own thing and clear my head. I had a great time in those two years and had a few very short term flings, which was great.

Thinking, hoping, that I just needed to get things out of my system and then I'd be ready to find the long-term gf, I was hopeful for the future, particularly when I met this girl and things have gone so well. But I fear this relationship will go the same way as the rest and though a cliché, it's really not her, it's me.

I'd love to settle down, find that one true love, the person I can't live without etc... in terms of relationship/love life, I would want nothing more. But it seems I don't have that capacity either to find the person that will have me loved up for life or as equally a fear for me, that I just don't have the capacity to give love someone. Horrible thought.

Of course, behind all this, are girls who in the long-term tend to get hurt, overtime I think they sense my slow withdrawal and relationships go down hill for several months/a year and then end. I hate hurting people.

What is wrong with me? Is it possible not to be able to really love? what am I doing wrong?

sffc

Love to help - but can I ask did you end all three previous relationships ?

Merkin

BodyBody wrote: »

What is wrong with me? Is it possible not to be able to really love? what am I doing wrong?

I'd say you're simply not being discerning enough. You're just getting into relationships for the sake of it because you're a serial monogamist. So when you decide you want a new relationship, would you say you find the nearest girl who you think "hmmm, she's nice" but without really thinking it through?

I'm the polar opposite to you and was a total commitment phobe for a number of years. I'm fiercely independent and had no problem meeting men, none at all in fact. I enjoyed lots of flings and banter and general messing but there was nobody I was willing to actually really commit myself to and give myself to until I met my husband. I didn't see the point in getting involved with people I genuinely couldn't see a future with. Maybe you need to ask the questions you're asking now at the start of your relationships rather than jumping into the next relationship for the sake of it. That's what you seem to be doing.

I've seen SO many people with their partners who have openly admitted "ah yeah, she'll do for a year or two" and I'm thinking wtf?! Why would anyone bother? I get that it's lovely having a partner and all that goes with it but I genuinely don't see the point of being in a relationship that you know ultimately is not a runner. Spend time on your own and enjoy yourself until you really, REALLY meet someone who takes your breath away.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, read your post, I totally understand what you are feeling now and I like to be able to give you some advice but I can't as I'm exactly in the same situation but I'm a female. Would be interesting to hear other people opinions on this.

LegacyUser

SFFC wrote:

Love to help - but can I ask did you end all three previous relationships ?

Hi SFFC, no - 1st fizzled out, largely ending via mutual decision (we were quite young)
2nd one I ended and the 3rd ended mutually but it had been on and off for 6 months before it was finally put to bed, again via mutual decision

Merkin wrote: »

I'd say you're simply not being discerning enough. You're just getting into relationships for the sake of it because you're a serial monogamist. So when you decide you want a new relationship, would you say you find the nearest girl who you think "hmmm, she's nice" but without really thinking it through?

Hi Merkin, no I don't think I have really been in the case of just finding the nearest girl to be honest. It just sort of happens without thinking (maybe that's the problem).

Also, 4/5 years ago I would have been jumping off the chair to agree with you about the possibility I was a seriall monogamist. But after the end of my third relationship. I withdrew from that kind of thought process. I took up new hobbies, put a lot o effort into work, went travelling and had a lot of fun. Even turned down a chance at long-term relationship on an occasion with a girl I was having a very short fling with. My current relationship started by chance without looking for it.

Merkin wrote: »

Maybe you need to ask the questions you're asking now at the start of your relationships rather than jumping into the next relationship for the sake of it. That's what you seem to be doing.

Again a number of years ago, I would have been agreeing 100% without hesitation but now I don't know. That's largely my worry, that it's more than just jumping from one to the next. I have a feeling now that I won't find the right person that really really is IT for me for the long, long-term. I am realistic enough to know that fairytales generally aren't real, but I'd love that great love connection, happily ever after stuff you see in fairytales, or just some measure of that.

But really, really, I fear I am incapable of providing and/or receiving real love to create that opportunity. It's almost like an indifference grows in me after a very short while.

Idle Passerby

Maybe the relationship has just run its course. It sounds like you took time out to re-evaluate how you do things and thats to be commended but it doesn't automatically mean that the next relationship will be everything you had hoped for.

IrishEyes19

I agree with other posters, OP! I think maybe it has run its course. I certainly dont believe in love at first sight. Love being there through the best and worst of times with someone, and first sight is too pre-mature.

I do however believe after a few weeks/months, you know if someone is right for you and if its long term. You just know. If you have doubts, there is usually a reason. Dont be worried thinking you will never find the "one" because you just dont feel that feeling. Its kind of like when people are dating and one person ends it and the person who has been dumped says "I cant understand this. We were so in love" People all move at different paces, and sometimes it just doesnt click. It will with someone. So dont be worried.

dannyc31

sometimes it just doesnt click. It will with someone. So dont be worried.

hi OP. i could of wrote the very same post. imo its just the fact you are the age you are that you are getting these fears. you are 31 and at this age alot of your friends will be marrying off or settling then. would you have the same fears of being incapable of love if you were 21? most likely not.

i just think we get too hung up on needing to meet the one by a certain time x, for alot of women it can be before the age of 30 but this puts alot of unneccessary pressure on ones self. every single one of us is different and to find the one person out there we really click with takes some doing. i actually dont beleive all the couples who marry found the one so to speak. alot will just settle because they dont want to be alone, a good few others will settle because they are both ready and want to have children or have already had an unplanned child and then alot others do find love. i guess love is different things to different people and so if love does evenually find you, it maybe that you are in love with that person for such reasons that would cause another person not to feel any strong feelings whats so ever. everyone is different.

i guess the best approach should be to not think too much about it, often these things happen when we least expect it but on the other hand i think its also useful to except that not everyone finds lasting love. i feel i was in love once in my life and for me it changed my whole view point on everything. none of the stuff like years of marriage and a few kids scared me, instead it became an exciting vision. it didnt work out but i would be hopeful it might happen again in the future with someone else. but the best thing is to make your life as fullfilling as possible, you can be very happy in yourself without being madly in love.

also just so you know, love is just what happens when the right group of chemicals in the brain start firing for whatever reason with a certain person producing the same affect that a highly addictive class A drug would do. on an unconscience darwinian level when we break up with the people we do after a period of months/years its often based on the fact that we dont see ourselves as a good match to spread our genes and have children with them.

best of luck and hopeully you'll get lucky one day