Wedding issues with sister's children!

LegacyUser

Was hoping for some advice here. I'm getting married in 2 months time. Up til now, the planning has bee going fine and we're pretty well organised.
An issue has now come up in relation to my sister's children aged two and four. My fiance really did not want to have any children at the wedding as children are usually bored out of their brains and end up cranky and messy and a room full of drinking adults is not really a thing that kids should be involved in. In general i agree with her but there is no way i can ask my sister to not bring the two children.
The main problem is that the two children are very boisterous and my nephew (4) is very loud and thinks it's hilarious to shout out curse words in public. My sister or her husband rarely ever corrects him. At the last family event my nephew was running around the function room and knocked over a waitress carrying a teapot, luckily it was empty, and my sister said nothing to him. My fiance was there and she was horrified. She's not used to cheeky and boisterous children.
Now my fiance is freaking because she can't stand the thought of my niece and nephew shouting stuff and making noise during the ceremony and she doesn't want to have the children at the reception after the meal is finished. There are young children (cousins) in her family which she isn't inviting for the same reason so my niece and nephew will be the only small children there.
My fiance now wants me to somehow communicate to my sister that the children are either to be kept absolutely quiet or kept outside. I have no idea how to do this. Me and my sister have always gotten on well but my sister is very sensitive and she will be grossly offended and hurt by this and it will inevitably lead to us falling out. She will know that this isn't coming from me so her opinion of my fiance will go through the floor which i don't want either.
My fiance and I have been having awful arguments about this because I think she's being unfair and i wouldn't expect her to do the same if it was her family. I feel she's put me in a terrible position. I don't want the kids to be acting up at the wedding any more than she does but i don't want to hurt my sister and cause trouble within my family.
I just don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate some advice. This has really upset me and really spoiled the build up to the wedding.
Cheers.

Merkin

I'm sorry but I'm totally with your fiancee on this.

Much to the surprise of over-indulgent parents, everyone else doesn't find it hilarious when a pair of undisciplined rapscallions are let loose to run around the place shouting and being an absolute nightmare.

Are you afraid of your sister? It certainly sounds that way. If they misbehave in the Church then they should be quietly removed outside until they can behave, it's just very very basic manners and consideration for other people. Have a friendly word with your sister - it's all about the delivery tbh. If they live close to the Church then maybe you can organise for them to just come to some of the Reception and then go home to childminders for the rest of the evening.

stargazer 68

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

The main problem is that the two children are very boisterous and my nephew (4) is very loud and thinks it's hilarious to shout out curse words in public. At the last family event my nephew was running around the function room and knocked over a waitress carrying a teapot, luckily it was empty, and my sister said nothing to him. She's not used to cheeky and boisterous children.

I don't want the kids to be acting up at the wedding any more than she does but i don't want to hurt my sister and cause trouble within my family.
.

OP do you really want to have a 4 year old shouting out curse words during your ceremony? Is that what you want your guests to remember from your wedding? (By the way that behaviour is not cheeky and boisterous!!)

As for not want the kids acting up or hurting your sister - Im afraid you can't have it both ways! Im with your fiance on this one too. Your sister needs to be told they either behave or they can't come to the wedding and stick by it!

Beruthiel

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate some advice.

I'm totally with your fiance on this.
Sorry, but your sisters kids sound like a nightmare.
Your OH is making sure that nobody from her side is bringing children, so now it's your turn.
As for your sister being overly sensitive on this, tough.
Explain to her that it is a child free wedding and there are no exceptions.
How can she take that personally if it covers the whole group?
Tell her soon btw, so she has time to organise something.

Either way, this is your wedding, not your sisters. Let her find someone to take care of them for the day.
This is not something you should be allowing to ruin your wedding and causing stress.
Get it sorted asap.

Animord

Look at it this way. Your sister clearly doesn't realise or see that her little angels yelling curses is seriously bad manners and totally unacceptable for most people. By telling her at this point she has an chance to change their behaviour before other people stop asking her and her children to social events.

Karen8

I agree how can your sister take it personally if other children are not invited as well? If childfree wedding is impossible, hire childminder for that evening. I've been in weddings in France where its common and i think its good both for parents and kids. Parents can relax and have few drinks while kids are busy and occupied in their own activities. It might be one of the solutions. However its your and your fiancee's day, so her feelings should be your priority.

MissFire

Say it to your sister that you can't have it one way for your pals and rest of family not to bring their kids and different for her, wouldn't be fair on them.. maybe she wouldn't mind a childfree day and would be OK about it? I know a few of my pals look forward to a relaxing child-free day with a few drinks every now and then

DeltaWhite

Definitely agree with your financeé and other posters OP! All you have to do is tell your sis there is a no children rule for the wedding (loads of people do it) and tell her it goes for EVERYONE! On your fiancées side aswell. Fair is fair!

LittleBook

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

my fiance is freaking because she can't stand the thought of my niece and nephew shouting stuff and making noise during the ceremony and she doesn't want to have the children at the reception after the meal is finished... [she] wants me to somehow communicate to my sister that the children are either to be kept absolutely quiet or kept outside.

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

My fiance and I have been having awful arguments about this because I think she's being unfair and i wouldn't expect her to do the same if it was her family. I feel she's put me in a terrible position.

Seriously?! You would both prefer a "no-children" wedding but she's compromised by allowing your sister's undisciplined children to attend. All she's asking of your sister is that she keeps her kids under control during the ceremony and puts them to bed after the meal ... 2 and 4 year olds!!

YOU are being completely unfair and putting HER in a terrible position. There's every chance these children will ruin the ceremony and cause problems in the evening, my heart goes out to your fiance having to put up with the thought of this.

You need to decide which is more important to you ... your fiance enjoying one of the most important days of her life or satisfying your sister's ridiculous over-sensitivity about her unruly kids.

Oryx

You say there is no way you can ask your sister not to bring her children? Why is this? Other guests have been asked this. Why do you feel your sister must be treated differently?

If the invitations have already issued and your sister assumed her kids were coming and wasn't corrected, or was asked along with her kids, then yes, you do have a problem. But if you are still to ask her, then no children attending is the way its going down, be explicit about that. If she takes issue with that, then frankly, she is being rude to you and your fiancee.

hoodwinked

Honestly i am usually in the your nieces and nephews should be there regardless of age camp,


when my husbands, brother's, wife-to-be banned our daughter from their wedding we (and the grandparents and relatives) were very upset, as even though she is 3, being at mass every sunday she is quiet as a mouse during, and for meal she is used to eating at restaurants and will sit there well behaved and eat with manners for the 2 or 3 hours, she will dance to music and not run around the place or scream. Nether of us drink really so she has at least one sober parent with her at all times.

in the end we sorted it and she went to the wedding, and she was perfect for the whole day.

BUT and i have to say but, this sounds like your sisters children are nothing like that, its not boisterous its just rude and bad behaviour thats uncorrected, and not something you would want to happen on your wedding day,

too many parents think they can let their children run wild 364 days a year and on the day they want them to behave that they will, Children don't work like that and i think its down to each individual case, no offense but i think your fiance is right on this one.

P. Breathnach

To summarise:

• You agreed a no-children policy because some children can be problems.
• You want to make an exception for children that you know to be difficult.
• You think your fiancée is being unfair.

Come off it.

thefeatheredcat

You need to ask yourself, which is the bigger priority to you, compromising for your future wife or compromising for your sister ?

What your fiance is asking isn't unreasonable at all.... kids acting up or not acting up at your wedding is not up to you, it is up to the parents of them.

And depending on the parents, how responsible they are and what sort of parents they are, that is where it all hinges. Are your sister and her husband the sort of parents who will spot that their children are bored, restless, getting cranky and need to go home, and will make a swift exit, or would they ignore that (and any tantrums) and say to themselves "I'm here to enjoy myself, it's someone else's problem, we will only leave when we decide" ?

What if the kids are misbehaving (after all they're small, so it's not entirely expected that they can't last until 10pm or 2am or whatever time it all finishes) and it is recommended to your sister and husband to go home? Will they be defiant about it or recognise that actually they should go home?

The last thing as a couple you should be having to deal with on your wedding day is stressing about the only 2 small children there who are left to do their own thing without an adult or be worried about other people having being annoyed by the children or forced to be a superviser or correct the children if the parents can't be bothered and prefer them to run around doing their own thing.

If you're worried about ending up on bad terms with your sister, it's all in how you put it to her, delicately. If it's going to be a long ceremony and a long night, then ground rules have to be made that at the first sign of them getting bored or misbehaving that it has to be corrected and taken as a sign they need to go home, all of them. It's not about spoiling your sister's fun or night out, or trying to exclude the children, it's about what is in the best interests of the children and paying mind to their safety and taking into consideration their needs as small children, then that is what you need to put to your sister.

I think you and your finace should talk some more about this and realise whatever about the kids behaviour, it's not going to be within your control. The only aspect you have of controlling that they are not running amok is to put down ground rules with your sister and to ensure that she understands that they have to behave - parents included about supervising them and correcting behaviour - or that it is better recommended that as already suggested, they can come for the ceremony but would be better off spending the rest of the night after the meal with a babysitter where the kids can do whatever. You might find that the children not being there would ease a lot of stress for both you and your fiance and probably for your sister and her husband because they can enjoy the night.

Calhoun

Weddings are funny things believe me i know as its very close to my own, i know how people can take offense to the smallest things.

First things first, cousins in my opinion are not in the same league as niece and nephews and considering the age gap between your fiance and them its more than likely they didnt grow up as close cousins. In this regard it isnt like with like and she must understand that this will be a difficult path for you to walk and needs help supporting you in dealing with this.

If not handled correctly it could have ramifications for years to come with your close family. There is also a possibility that your sister wont show up on the day, you also need to be prepared for that. You have every right not to ask her to have her kids there but she has every right not to show up.

On the other hand your fiance also has the right of a wedding that is not interrupted by undisiplined children. You are completely wrong in you belief that she should suck this one up and take one for the team because you actually do agree with her on the point so it in your terms speaking to your sister shouldnt be done in a way that implies its coming from your fiance or your under the thumb.

You both need to sit down and come up with the compromise, it maybe that a blanket ban is the easiest thing to do so you dont hurt her feelings on the whole lack of disipline. Alternatively you could have a quite word with your sister about removing them if any issues and possibly hiring a child minder.

ManOfMystery

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else. If you have both agreed not to have children at the wedding, then why is an exception being made for your sister - who, incidentally, has children who are likely to upset the flow of the day by being noisy or boisterous?

And why is your partner being 'unfair'? You are the one who's actually acting unfairly by changing your original agreement.

Seriously, grow a set and tell your sister that no children are being invited to the wedding. If she can't handle that, it's her problem - all other parents who have been invited are in the same boat. This day is for you and your other half, not your sister.

Ok firstly, cheeky and boisterous means going around talking like a grown up, making witty remarks and having an abundance of energy that needs to be kept in check. Shouting out curse words and being out of control is a totally different thing altogether. These kids are not "cheeky and boisterous".

Secondly, your fiancee is a saint for compromising and asking that they at least be kept under strict control. Although I'm sure you and she both know the parents are never going to do it, even if they agree to. The only solution is to make sure they don't come at all.

Thirdly, it's already been causing fights between you and your fiancee and it's "really spoiled the build up to the wedding". You say you don't want to cause trouble in the family. What about trouble in your marriage?

It's one day. ONE day for you and (lets be honest, even more so for) the bride. And the whole day is going to be centred firmly on these kids. If your sister can't understand that and leave the kids at home, then she is the one putting you in an unfair position, not your fiancee.

LittleBook

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

In general i agree with her but there is no way i can ask my sister to not bring the two children.

There are young children (cousins) in her family which she isn't inviting for the same reason so my niece and nephew will be the only small children there.

Now my fiance is freaking because she can't stand the thought of my niece and nephew shouting stuff and making noise during the ceremony and she doesn't want to have the children at the reception after the meal is finished.

My fiance now wants me to somehow communicate to my sister that the children are either to be kept absolutely quiet or kept outside.

Folks, the shouty, sweary kids are already invited to the wedding. All his fiancé wants is that he ask his sister to keep them under control during the ceremony and put them (2 and 4 years old) to bed after the meal.

OP is being completely unfair to his fiancé.

IrishEyes19

show your sister this thread. show her that you would like to have to the kids at the wedding as per the post, but its completely stressed you out and its not fair. I agree with your fiance, its not like she's inviting other small children and leaving your nieces/nephews out. tbh, I dont think young kids should be at weddings after the main meal. and that behaviour of the child cursing is completely unacceptable. It would be horrendous at a wedding. enjoy your day.

LegacyUser

As far as I can OP you've three options. Firstly do nothing and have your OH stressed out all through the wedding and afters and risk the kids do actually do something to ruin the day. Second be straight up with your sister, it's a no children wedding, no other children will be at the wedding so hers aren't welcome. This was most likely result in a row with your sister if plans were already in place for them coming. Third option if you can't face annoying and dealing with either your OH or your sister is to offer to pay for a babysitter to watch the children in the hotel/were every afters is happening during the actually wedding. It's not much of a meet in the middle but would at least reduce chances of the actually wedding being ruined and the maybe by the time you finish the meal they'll be tired and put to bed.

Honestly I'd go with option 2, I think it's mad to bring 2 small kids when no other children will be there. They are going to get so bored and it doesn't sound like their parents are good at managing them. What about your parents OP or other family members, would they be able to talk to your sister on your behalf?

LegacyUser

OP HERE!
I appreciate everyone's feedback. In retrospect I probably misrepresented the two children a bit. Most of the time they are actually really good kids, it's just that on occasion the four year old can act the maggot. I'm going to broach it with my sister as sensitively as i can, will probably go to my other sister for advice on that, but i'll make sure she knows our concerns. We were given a few free rooms in the hotel so we've booked a family room for them so they can take the kids up after the meal. The kids will probably be wrecked at that stage anyway and like a few posters have said, my sister and brother in law will be only too glad to be able to enjoy the night without having to keep one eye on the kids.
Thanks for the input everyone!

Katgurl

Good god I feel like crying for your fiancé. She is the bride, not your sister. You call her unfair and say its causing rows? Why are you not supporting her on this matter? I can't believe it's you and not she who is posting here.

Heavy Pig

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

Was hoping for some advice here. I'm getting married in 2 months time. Up til now, the planning has bee going fine and we're pretty well organised.
An issue has now come up in relation to my sister's children aged two and four. My fiance really did not want to have any children at the wedding as children are usually bored out of their brains and end up cranky and messy and a room full of drinking adults is not really a thing that kids should be involved in. In general i agree with her but there is no way i can ask my sister to not bring the two children.
The main problem is that the two children are very boisterous and my nephew (4) is very loud and thinks it's hilarious to shout out curse words in public. My sister or her husband rarely ever corrects him. At the last family event my nephew was running around the function room and knocked over a waitress carrying a teapot, luckily it was empty, and my sister said nothing to him. My fiance was there and she was horrified. She's not used to cheeky and boisterous children.
Now my fiance is freaking because she can't stand the thought of my niece and nephew shouting stuff and making noise during the ceremony and she doesn't want to have the children at the reception after the meal is finished. There are young children (cousins) in her family which she isn't inviting for the same reason so my niece and nephew will be the only small children there.
My fiance now wants me to somehow communicate to my sister that the children are either to be kept absolutely quiet or kept outside. I have no idea how to do this. Me and my sister have always gotten on well but my sister is very sensitive and she will be grossly offended and hurt by this and it will inevitably lead to us falling out. She will know that this isn't coming from me so her opinion of my fiance will go through the floor which i don't want either.
My fiance and I have been having awful arguments about this because I think she's being unfair and i wouldn't expect her to do the same if it was her family. I feel she's put me in a terrible position. I don't want the kids to be acting up at the wedding any more than she does but i don't want to hurt my sister and cause trouble within my family.
I just don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate some advice. This has really upset me and really spoiled the build up to the wedding.
Cheers.

They sound like brats. Perhaps your sister is a poor mother ?

P. Breathnach

OP Wedding Issues wrote: »

... i'll make sure she knows our concerns....

That's a very healthy change of focus from your opening post.

It's never pleasant when you are forced to choose between pleasing your spouse and pleasing members of your birth family. In general, you should favour your spouse.

lukesmom

Without wanting to offend but you need to grow a pair! I understand exactly where you are coming from, having an over-sensitive sister and believe me you need to lose the notion of keeping everybody happy all of the time because it simply doesn't work.

If you have agreed with your fiancé a NO children policy at your wedding then you should not break this agreement. Begin your married life as you mean to go on. You must tell your sister NO kids, not for an hour, not for two hours. No kids means no kids at all. And for God's sake do it today. Don't wait another day. Your fiancé is also stressed over this I would imagine and it's not fair.

stargazer 68

OP Wedding Issues wrote: »

OP HERE!
I appreciate everyone's feedback. In retrospect I probably misrepresented the two children a bit. Most of the time they are actually really good kids, it's just that on occasion the four year old can act the maggot. I'm going to broach it with my sister as sensitively as i can, will probably go to my other sister for advice on that, but i'll make sure she knows our concerns. We were given a few free rooms in the hotel so we've booked a family room for them so they can take the kids up after the meal. The kids will probably be wrecked at that stage anyway and like a few posters have said, my sister and brother in law will be only too glad to be able to enjoy the night without having to keep one eye on the kids.
Thanks for the input everyone!

OP it really doesnt matter whether they are good kids 'most of the time' or not. This is an important day for both you and your fiance and she is clearly not prepared to run this risk of these 2 ruining it for both of you and other people.
Good luck with the sis!

ronjo

lukesmom wrote: »

Without wanting to offend but you need to grow a pair! I understand exactly where you are coming from, having an over-sensitive sister and believe me you need to lose the notion of keeping everybody happy all of the time because it simply doesn't work.

If you have agreed with your fiancé a NO children policy at your wedding then you should not break this agreement. Begin your married life as you mean to go on. You must tell your sister NO kids, not for an hour, not for two hours. No kids means no kids at all. And for God's sake do it today. Don't wait another day. Your fiancé is also stressed over this I would imagine and it's not fair.

Did you read what the OP wrote?
The kids are going to the wedding.... Its about keeping them quiet.

OP just have a chat with your sister. Once she knows they are the only kids there then I am sure she will understand the situation.

lukesmom

ronjo wrote: »

Did you read what the OP wrote?
The kids are going to the wedding.... Its about keeping them quiet.

OP just have a chat with your sister. Once she knows they are the only kids there then I am sure she will understand the situation.

Yes I did read what the OP wrote. He said his fiancé doesn't want kids at the wedding.

ronjo

lukesmom wrote: »

Yes I did read what the OP wrote. He said his fiancé doesn't want kids at the wedding.

Sorry about that. I unreservedly apologise.
I misread that they were going and it was just about them being quiet.

Boombastic

If the children do end up going I would advise you to make up some sort of activity pack you can give them to keep the amused, colouring booking, crayons, and a few other bits and pieces etc. In fairness though I would advise you to side with you fiancee on this one and just tell your sister it's a no children wedding. I'm not sure why you need to approach your other sister first, before approaching the ones with the children. Are you afraid of your sister with the children?

lazygal

I think I'd tell my sister the children can't be accommodated. If they are there, it sounds like you'll be on edge waiting for them to kick off.

I've never been at a wedding where young children were in attendance that there wasn't noise or interruptions. The worst was probably a toddler who screamed blue murder just as the bride was making her grand entrance and the eejit parents skuttled up the aisle with her , brushing past the bride and her dad. Big moment ruined. There's also the issue of noise bringing them in and out. I've been in churches where its obvious people are shuffling about with kids. It's fair enough if there's an open policy on children, but you don't want them there.
We had a child free wedding ourselves. Without doubt some parents don't understand why they couldn't bring their children and I know some declined because of this. But it was our day and we weren't having our ceremony, speeches, first dances and general fun spoiled by other people's children. We now have a child ourselves and one on the way and even if they are asked to weddings we won't bring them or one of us will attend.
I would call her bluff. Tell her you've talked it over and there's just no way you'll be comfortable on the day worrying about the children. Make out like this is all about them -you're worried they'll get scared of the music, the crowds, the noise, having to be quiet. We only had one 'family' child to consider but she wasn't included, and her parents understood why.

daisybelle2008

OP Wedding Issues wrote: »

OP HERE!
I appreciate everyone's feedback. In retrospect I probably misrepresented the two children a bit. Most of the time they are actually really good kids, it's just that on occasion the four year old can act the maggot. I'm going to broach it with my sister as sensitively as i can, will probably go to my other sister for advice on that, but i'll make sure she knows our concerns. We were given a few free rooms in the hotel so we've booked a family room for them so they can take the kids up after the meal. The kids will probably be wrecked at that stage anyway and like a few posters have said, my sister and brother in law will be only too glad to be able to enjoy the night without having to keep one eye on the kids.
Thanks for the input everyone!

OP there is no need to be misrepresenting you family so negatively here and making them a problem

If I was you I would have a chat with the 4 year old a tell him how you want him to be good on your special day, and if he is good ye will do something special together, helicopter ride or funfair or something. Tell your sister about the treat and she is bound to help him earn it. You and your nephew get to bond a little too. This does not need to be confrontational. I have been to many weddings with kids and have yet to see a child 'ruin' a day. This boisterous kids tend to be a bigger issue in people's heads. I mean look at the responses here from people who have never even seen the kids!!

Kids behaviour can surprise you, when you treat them as an allay instead of the enemy to your good day. Just keep reinforcing his role and the special treat ye will have if he is good.

Jesus I hate children at weddings, I don't care what anyone thinks but they don't belong there. "Children make a wedding" is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
OP if your sisters kids were allowed get away with this behaviour before that's your sisters fault and not the kiddies, they are only babes at the end of the day and an important adult occasion such as a wedding is clearly no place for them. And I think you should make it clear to your sister that YOU feel strongly about it and not just your poor worried fiance, best of luck with the wedding

Big Bag of Chips

I was at a wedding yesterday, and 2 brothers of the groom have kids. None of them were there. The dads (and mams) enjoyed a day out able to relax without worrying about the kids.

Even if kids are perfectly behaved, they still need attention. They still need to be "minded", and if you think your sister or her husband are not going to to do that, the best you can do is have a no kids policy.

You can't really blame the kids - kids don't just shout out swear words thinking it's funny. Kids are taught to shout out swear words, by adults who think it's funny.

Really OP - there are some people who will always be offended by the thoughts of people not wanting their kids around.

My own sister has been annoyed at cousins who have invited us to weddings and not allowed us to bring our kids. I have had to point out, that there are us, their friends, other cousins etc who between us all could have over 100 kids! She (and my mother!) still get annoyed whenever an invite arrives and it's made clear that no kids are invited!

OP - this is one day in your life. And one day in your bride-to-be's life, and one day in your sister's life.

She will probably be a bit annoyed. Will probably have a bit of a bitch and moan about you (and your fiancée!) but you know what - it's one day - and when it's over, it's over, and your sister will get over it.

If that one day is ruined for you and your bride, then it is the one day that is ruined forever...

I know whose day I'd be more worried about ruining.....

RainyDay

OP - Your brother-in-law could probably be helpful here. Have a man-to-man chat with him about your difficult situation, and see if you can come to a good solution.

We had a gang of nieces and nephews at our wedding, though they were well past the toddler stage. The parents of the younger ones opted to make other arrangements for them, but we'd have been happy either way. I was at a wedding last year which was designed to be child-friendly, with their own gazebo with games and toys. The toddlers had a ball, as did the parents.

rainbowtrout

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP there is no need to be misrepresenting you family so negatively here and making them a problem

If I was you I would have a chat with the 4 year old a tell him how you want him to be good on your special day, and if he is good ye will do something special together, helicopter ride or funfair or something. Tell your sister about the treat and she is bound to help him earn it. You and your nephew get to bond a little too. This does not need to be confrontational. I have been to many weddings with kids and have yet to see a child 'ruin' a day. This boisterous kids tend to be a bigger issue in people's heads. I mean look at the responses here from people who have never even seen the kids!!

Kids behaviour can surprise you, when you treat them as an allay instead of the enemy to your good day. Just keep reinforcing his role and the special treat ye will have if he is good.

Why in the name of god should the OP have to try and reason with a four year old and basically resort to bribery to have a bit of peace on their wedding day?

The sister should be able to put manners on her children and if she is not able or can't be bothered then she should leave them at home.

daisybelle2008

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Why in the name of god should the OP have to try and reason with a four year old and basically resort to bribery to have a bit of peace on their wedding day?

The sister should be able to put manners on her children and if she is not able or can't be bothered then she should leave them at home.

Millions of parents use a reward system every day to encourage good behaviour. Kids respond very well to it. It is practically how every kid is raised (be good for santa) .

It is infinitely a better solution then arguing with and challenging his sister (he said it will cause conflict including negative relations with his fiancé). She is going to be defensive and in denial and rightly or wrongly offended about their opinion of her parenting.

Believe it or not there are other ways to get the results he wants (the child behaving) that don't involve creating a load of adult family conflict.

Getting to the root of his issue and getting the child to take a little responsibility for behaving makes perfect logic.

So far in this thread I haven't seen a solution besides the one I have suggested that doesn't involve negative conflict.

The child has possible potential to behave badly, it is not a fact, it should not be treated as a fact, that is only going to create defensiveness and hostility. It can be nipped in the bud easily with a little positive interaction with the child. Arguing with his mother will not add any value to proceedings.

rainbowtrout

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Millions of parents use a reward system every day to encourage good behaviour. Kids respond very well to it. It is practically how every kid is raised (be good for santa) .

But it's not his child so it should not be his problem to sort out.

daisybelle2008

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But it's not his child so it should not be his problem to sort out.

By that logic it it is not his job to sort out how his sister parents her child.
It's his nephew, well within his scope to ask him to behave on his wedding day if he is going.

What conflict free way do you suggest he handles this with his sister that she will react well to?

rainbowtrout

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It's his nephew, well within his scope to ask him to behave on his wedding day if he is going.

There are no consequences for the child misbehaving on the wedding day. The child doesn't know this now but would figure it out quick enough on the day. OP is standing at the altar saying his vows, child starts roaring, mother doesn't put manners on him, what is the OP going to do? Walk down the church and bring the child outside? As for the idea of rewarding the 4 year old with a helicopter ride, seriously? Since when do 4 year olds get such lavish reward for what should be normal behaviour?

I'm all for rewarding good behaviour, but I would see it as rewarding good behaviour that was above and beyond normal behaviour and it would be a small treat. I'm not for rewarding behaviour which should be normal, with outlandish gifts. No wonder so many children turn into bratty, immature spoiled adults if this is how they are rewarded when they are young.

As for the solution, if it was my sister I would tell her the children are not invited. It wouldn't even be up for discussion.

MrTsSnickers

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

By that logic it it is not his job to sort out how his sister parents her child.
It's his nephew, well within his scope to ask him to behave on his wedding day if he is going.

It isn't really his job to tell his sister how to parent.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

What conflict free way do you suggest he handles this with his sister that she will react well to?

Tell her that there are no kids to be at the wedding, no exceptions.

daisybelle2008

rainbowtrout wrote: »

There are no consequences for the child misbehaving on the wedding day. The child doesn't know this now but would figure it out quick enough on the day. OP is standing at the altar saying his vows, child starts roaring, mother doesn't put manners on him, what is the OP going to do? Walk down the church and bring the child outside? As for the idea of rewarding the 4 year old with a helicopter ride, seriously? Since when do 4 year olds get such lavish reward for what should be normal behaviour?

I'm all for rewarding good behaviour, but I would see it as rewarding good behaviour that was above and beyond normal behaviour and it would be a small treat. I'm not for rewarding behaviour which should be normal, with outlandish gifts. No wonder so many children turn into bratty, immature spoiled adults if this is how they are rewarded when they are young.

As for the solution, if it was my sister I would tell her the children are not invited. It wouldn't even be up for discussion.

The OP says the kids are normally well behaved, so I agree a small treat would be in order, I didnt specifically mean it should be something lavish, whatever would be appropriate to get the child to keep his behaviour in check, something he would be focused on and would behave to earn. It could be he helps cut up some of the cake if he has been good (suggestion only). it is a healthy good behaviour gets rewarded ethic that parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents use all the time. It is life. 4year olds thrive on it.
Whatever gets results without getting into a minefield confronting his sister about her parenting skills. He said she would be 'grossly offended' and they would probably fall out. Why go down that road, it will unlikely pay off and cause more hassle. From a purely mercenary point of view I would do something that is more likely to get results without causing more damage.

daisybelle2008

MrTsSnickers wrote: »

It isn't really his job to tell his sister how to parent.



Tell her that there are no kids to be at the wedding, no exceptions.

The kids are already going, are you saying he tells her that they are uninvited? I would think that is going to cause hassle. However it is his wedding, he is well within his rights to do that. He was looking for minimum conflict though.

LadyofLucan

Wedding Issues!! wrote: »

Was hoping for some advice here. I'm getting married in 2 months time. Up til now, the planning has bee going fine and we're pretty well organised.
An issue has now come up in relation to my sister's children aged two and four. My fiance really did not want to have any children at the wedding as children are usually bored out of their brains and end up cranky and messy and a room full of drinking adults is not really a thing that kids should be involved in. In general i agree with her but there is no way i can ask my sister to not bring the two children.
The main problem is that the two children are very boisterous and my nephew (4) is very loud and thinks it's hilarious to shout out curse words in public. My sister or her husband rarely ever corrects him. At the last family event my nephew was running around the function room and knocked over a waitress carrying a teapot, luckily it was empty, and my sister said nothing to him. My fiance was there and she was horrified. She's not used to cheeky and boisterous children.
Now my fiance is freaking because she can't stand the thought of my niece and nephew shouting stuff and making noise during the ceremony and she doesn't want to have the children at the reception after the meal is finished. There are young children (cousins) in her family which she isn't inviting for the same reason so my niece and nephew will be the only small children there.
My fiance now wants me to somehow communicate to my sister that the children are either to be kept absolutely quiet or kept outside. I have no idea how to do this. Me and my sister have always gotten on well but my sister is very sensitive and she will be grossly offended and hurt by this and it will inevitably lead to us falling out. She will know that this isn't coming from me so her opinion of my fiance will go through the floor which i don't want either.
My fiance and I have been having awful arguments about this because I think she's being unfair and i wouldn't expect her to do the same if it was her family. I feel she's put me in a terrible position. I don't want the kids to be acting up at the wedding any more than she does but i don't want to hurt my sister and cause trouble within my family.
I just don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate some advice. This has really upset me and really spoiled the build up to the wedding.
Cheers.

Could you try and approach it in a totally different way, talk to your sister about your wedding and tell her how your looking forward to the day... But also looking forward to the after party and having a good session with your family and friends..
Tell her you think she should get one of her husbands siblings or parents to mind her kids for the night so she can enjoy the party with you.. After all surely her and her husband might like to enjoy the night without having to watch the 2 kids all night..
Make not bringing the kids be for her benefit and not yours..
I don't understand why she'd want to bring 2 small children anyway. Most mothers would give their left leg to have a night in a hotel away from their kids...

LegacyUser

OP, I worked as a waitress in a hotel for weddings for five years. There are children who can be perfectly well behaved and there is no problem with them at weddings.

Then you have children who run riot and don't know how to behave-because their parents rarely correct them. These children have ran in front of me and other staff when we are carrying hot, heavy plates and boiling pots of tea and coffee. It is so dangerous and we are all on edge when we see these children, afraid of scalding a child with boiling water who decides it's a great game to run around the waitress with the shiny teapot.

Please OP, if you know they are not disciplined by their parents and they don't know how to behave, don't allow them come to the meal of the wedding. Good luck.