Weddings,accusations, old friend and old feelings

LegacyUser

I'll keep this straight to the point. I used to work with a group of people I became quite fond of and we became friends. One fella got married and was a good bit older than me. One other fella was a good mate and I had feelings for him too.The married guy and his wife were friends of mine and I would visit them. Felt a bit weird when i'd be invited down the odd time and wife wouldn't be there, but there was never any secrecy about it. Fast forward a few years later and all and sundry have moved on. Been in contact on Facebook every now and again, but the other guy who I was good mates with wasn't very chatty. Spoke today and he told me that married guy had been saying something went on with us when I split with his wife. He's a good few years older than me. I told my friend this was absolute Bull and he was fuming he's cut contact with the other guy and wants nothing to do with him. Friend guy said how it was terrible these things were being said and that we used to be good mates and that he was still very fond of me and glad he said it to me. He invited me to his wedding. Not sure what I should do. He was a good mate but I did have feelings for him at one stage so not sure if its the best idea, considering all of the above also. It's a mess.

ibarelycare

I don't see why you shouldn't go to the wedding. You said you had feelings for him a few years ago, that shouldn't stop you going to his wedding. And presumably since he's cut contact with the other guy, he's not going to be there anyway, so that shouldn't be an issue at all.

Merkin

Your post is all over the place.

Having read it about six times though I think you're wondering should you go to the wedding of someone you used to fancy? I don't see why not. Unless you're totally in love with the man and will find yourself weeping into your prosecco at lost opportunities.

And as was said above, why would the other chap even factor in the equation if they have severed ties?

username123

What has the married guy got to do with any of this? He wont be at the wedding? And you are wondering if you should go to the wedding of someone you used to fancy. I dont see why not - unless maybe you still fancy him? Im still failing to see how the married guy fits into the story, how is the stuff with him relevant to any of this? Your post is difficult to understand so hopefully my response is appropriate to the problem.

LegacyUser

Thats the thing I think I do still have a soft spot for him.

Merkin

If you don't think you can go and wish him and his new wife well then don't go.

ibarelycare

It sounds like you're creating drama where there is none. You have a "soft spot" for him...sorry, but get over it! I take it you're at least in your late 20s, surely you're mature enough to deal with a "soft spot" you have for someone. Sure you've barely even spoken to him in the last few years. If you don't want to go then just kindly say no, it's not a big deal.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

If you don't think you can go and wish him and his new wife well then don't go.

This is ideally what i'd like and possibly get some closure for myself. Would be nice to see all the old gang too.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

It sounds like you're creating drama where there is none. You have a "soft spot" for him...sorry, but get over it! I take it you're at least in your late 20s, surely you're mature enough to deal with a "soft spot" you have for someone. Sure you've barely even spoken to him in the last few years. If you don't want to go then just kindly say no, it's not a big deal.

There is no need to be so incredibly rude. I am not creating drama. It might not be a big deal for you as your not in my shoes.

ibarelycare

Brainfog wrote: »

There is no need to be so incredibly rude. I am not creating drama. It might not be a big deal for you as your not in my shoes.

I wasn't being rude. I was giving you some advice, albeit in a blunt way. I still stand by what I said, I honestly have no idea what the issue is and what exactly you were looking for with this thread.

LegacyUser

The issue is I don't know whether Guy A the married guy has said anything to anyone else, his ex will be at the wedding too. Also I still have a thing for the guy who is getting married, so not sure whether I should go. I too am sticking to my point, I think you are very rude and dismissive. Just because its not an issue for you doesn't mean it's not an issue for others.

ManOfMystery

I agree with ibarelycare. Having a 'soft spot' or having 'a thing for' a guy is one thing, but does that mean you couldn't go to his wedding and wish him the best? It sounds like you're more into him than you're describing to us, otherwise I see no reason why you couldn't attend and put these small feelings to one side.

Of course, if they're not small feelings and you're actually in love with the guy or something I could understand. But you did say it was only a soft spot so we can only go on what you're telling us.

As regards any worries about rumours, I suggest you put that fear out of your mind. Your friend obviously isn't concerned about them if he's invited you to the biggest day of his life, so why should you be panicking? I think people will be more interested in the wedding going on around them than any baseless rumours which the majority of them will likely not have heard anyway.

Forever Hopeful

TBH Op, I found your opening post very hard to read.

So you were friends with two lads from work. One was married and you'd call to his house and sometimes the wife wasn't there. You felt uncomfortable. So this guy had been spreading rumours that there was stuff going on btn ye? Is he still with his wife?
Another guy who you have feelings for told you about the rumours. He is furious with the married guy and had cut contact with him over this (bit ott but whatever). He invited you to his wedding (you are friends, why wouldn't he).
You are questioning if you should go. Why? Are you worried your emotions on the day will reveal your true feelings?
Do you want him to be happy? Or do you think he believes the rumours and thinks you'll work his magic on him?
I really don't get what the problem is.
The way you have presented the problem is why posters think you are creating drama.
Believe me your friend who is about to get married isn't going to even care about any of this on his wedding day.


Just spotted that guy 1 has split up with wifey and you're worried about the rumours. So the real question is:
A) go. Potentially be branded the scarlet woman for something you haven't done at a wedding of a guy who you have feelings for
not go. Miss a day catching up with old friends.

Unless you are seen as the cause of first guy and wifey splitting up and everyone knows about your feelings for guy b, I would go but it sounds like drama to me and find yourself an unattached guy!

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I agree with ibarelycare. Having a 'soft spot' or having 'a thing for' a guy is one thing, but does that mean you couldn't go to his wedding and wish him the best? It sounds like you're more into him than you're describing to us, otherwise I see no reason why you couldn't attend and put these small feelings to one side.

Of course, if they're not small feelings and you're actually in love with the guy or something I could understand. But you did say it was only a soft spot so we can only go on what you're telling us.

As regards any worries about rumours, I suggest you put that fear out of your mind. Your friend obviously isn't concerned about them if he's invited you to the biggest day of his life, so why should you be panicking? I think people will be more interested in the wedding going on around them than any baseless rumours which the majority of them will likely not have heard anyway.

Yeah your right, think I do have bigger feelings for him than I want to admit, I feel stupid for thinking like this.

LegacyUser

Guys, I ran in to my friend thats getting married on a night out, then said see you later and randomly ran in to him later that night. We shared a taxi home and were looking for an early house but there was none, so went to my house for a drink. He fell asleep on the chair I woke up and offered to ring him a taxi but he was wrecked so threw a quilt over him and went to bed myself. Got him a taxi home a while later. I had no bad intentions and would never have done anything to hurt my bf, but I am wracked with guilt. I feel like i'm lying to myself, my bf and this friend. I feel like a terrible person.

Paddy Cow

Brainfog wrote: »

The issue is I don't know whether Guy A the married guy has said anything to anyone else, his ex will be at the wedding too. Also I still have a thing for the guy who is getting married, so not sure whether I should go. I too am sticking to my point, I think you are very rude and dismissive. Just because its not an issue for you doesn't mean it's not an issue for others.

If you don't go and Guy A has said it to other people, it could look like you aren't going out of guilt. Just go and if anyone says anything to you, you can defend yourself.

Paddy Cow

Brainfog wrote: »

Guys, I ran in to my friend thats getting married on a night out, then said see you later and randomly ran in to him later that night. We shared a taxi home and were looking for an early house but there was none, so went to my house for a drink. He fell asleep on the chair I woke up and offered to ring him a taxi but he was wrecked so threw a quilt over him and went to bed myself. Got him a taxi home a while later. I had no bad intentions and would never have done anything to hurt my bf, but I am wracked with guilt. I feel like i'm lying to myself, my bf and this friend. I feel like a terrible person.

You didn't do anything wrong. He fell asleep on a chair because he was wrecked and when he sobered up enough, he got a taxi home. Nothing to get upset about here.

Mighty_Mouse

So this boils down to you fancy your friend who's getting married & you haven't told him?
You have a bf, he's getting married?

It's just one of those things I suppose.
You'll just have to move on from it and park the crush.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

So this boils down to you fancy your friend who's getting married & you haven't told him?
You have a bf, he's getting married.
Get over it.

Its more than that I didn't see him for years and when I run into him I still get all flustered. I have never felt the way about any of my bfs that I do about him. I can't help how I feel, if I could I would it would make my life a lot easier to just switch off my feelings.

Merkin

Brainfog wrote: »

Guys, I ran in to my friend thats getting married on a night out, then said see you later and randomly ran in to him later that night. We shared a taxi home and were looking for an early house but there was none, so went to my house for a drink. He fell asleep on the chair I woke up and offered to ring him a taxi but he was wrecked so threw a quilt over him and went to bed myself. Got him a taxi home a while later. I had no bad intentions and would never have done anything to hurt my bf, but I am wracked with guilt. I feel like i'm lying to myself, my bf and this friend. I feel like a terrible person.

No offense but you seem hell bent on creating drama when in actual fact there is none. He feel asleep on your living room chair, hardly the crime of the century. You're obviously besotted with him so I wouldn't bother going to his wedding if I were you. You have a boyfriend so maybe you should focus your energy on that relationship rather than this crush you have.

Forever Hopeful

I agree with the previous posters, you are seeking out drama. You've admitted you have feelings for him, it seems to be consuming you, you were in bits over these 'rumours' but you learned nothing. You knew exactly what you were doing. I find it hard to believe that you randomly ran into him again. Story doesn't add up.
You left out the but about having a boyfriend.
Op, you are being incredibly selfish here. Cut your boyfriend lose, stay away from this married friend and get some counselling for yourself. Stop creating the drama.
If you really cared, you would have just gone home on your own.

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

I agree with the previous posters, you are seeking out drama. You've admitted you have feelings for him, it seems to be consuming you, you were in bits over these 'rumours' but you learned nothing. You knew exactly what you were doing. I find it hard to believe that you randomly ran into him again. Story doesn't add up.
You left out the but about having a boyfriend.
Op, you are being incredibly selfish here. Cut your boyfriend lose, stay away from this married friend and get some counselling for yourself. Stop creating the drama.
If you really cared, you would have just gone home on your own.

What are you talking about my friend is not married. And yes I did randomly run in to him, why would I bother making that up. I am not seeking out drama, this is the whole reason I wasn't going to go to the wedding. Why would I cut my boyfriend lose?

Forever Hopeful

Brainfog wrote: »

What are you talking about my friend is not married. And yes I did randomly run in to him, why would I bother making that up. I am not seeking out drama, this is the whole reason I wasn't going to go to the wedding. Why would I cut my boyfriend lose?

Your friend is getting married - he is committed to someone else! So in essence he is married.
Cut your poor boyfriend loose because you've just stated earlier that you haven't felt anything with your previous boyfriends like you do with your (excuse me) soon to be married friend.
Yes, you are creating drama. If you didn't want any drama, you wouldn't have invited him back to your house. It's not fair to your bf ( you already said you feel guilty) and also not fair to your (soon to be) married friend!

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Your friend is getting married - he is committed to someone else! So in essence he is married.
Cut your poor boyfriend loose because you've just stated earlier that you haven't felt anything with your previous boyfriends like you do with your (excuse me) soon to be married friend.
Yes, you are creating drama. If you didn't want any drama, you wouldn't have invited him back to your house. It's not fair to your bf ( you already said you feel guilty) and also not fair to your (soon to be) married friend!

The last thing I wanted was any drama why do you think I asked the question in the first place whether or not I should go to the wedding? It was more a case of oh more drink in my house there was nothing more to it, I was good friends with this guy and was looking forward to a chat and a catch up. I would never do anything to hurt my bf or to cause **** between my friend and his fiancee, it's just not who I am. My bf knows I met him out and he came back to the house. I feel guilty because I do have a bit of a crush on this person, but I would never act on it. That's why I asked the question do I go to the wedding, can I be friends with this person still? Or do I just cut him out completely?

Paddy Cow

Brainfog wrote: »

The last thing I wanted was any drama why do you think I asked the question in the first place whether or not I should go to the wedding? It was more a case of oh more drink in my house there was nothing more to it, I was good friends with this guy and was looking forward to a chat and a catch up. I would never do anything to hurt my bf or to cause **** between my friend and his fiancee, it's just not who I am. My bf knows I met him out and he came back to the house. I feel guilty because I do have a bit of a crush on this person, but I would never act on it. That's why I asked the question do I go to the wedding, can I be friends with this person still? Or do I just cut him out completely?

I think if you can control yourself when it's only you and him, alone in the middle of the night, both very drunk, then you won't have an issue at the wedding surrounded by loads of people with his new wife glued to his hip

Forever Hopeful

Brainfog wrote: »

The last thing I wanted was any drama why do you think I asked the question in the first place whether or not I should go to the wedding? It was more a case of oh more drink in my house there was nothing more to it, I was good friends with this guy and was looking forward to a chat and a catch up. I would never do anything to hurt my bf or to cause **** between my friend and his fiancee, it's just not who I am. My bf knows I met him out and he came back to the house. I feel guilty because I do have a bit of a crush on this person, but I would never act on it. That's why I asked the question do I go to the wedding, can I be friends with this person still? Or do I just cut him out completely?

I read PaddyCow's post too but I am responding to both. Fact that the Op had her friend in his house and nothing happened had nothing to do with the Op. The guy fell asleep. He was probably drunk. There's no attraction on his side or he could have tried it on. I think if the guy showed interest, the Op would have responded. Op, your friendship doesn't end at the wedding. Fact remains you are in love with your friend. This is why I struggle with this problem is 1) I couldn't be friends with someone I was in love with who is unavailable 2) be involved with someone when I am in love with someone else - you stay with him because the guy you want is unavailable.
I think its completely wrong what you are doing and you know it too.

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

I read PaddyCow's post too but I am responding to both. Fact that the Op had her friend in his house and nothing happened had nothing to do with the Op. The guy fell asleep. He was probably drunk. There's no attraction on his side or he could have tried it on. I think if the guy showed interest, the Op would have responded. Op, your friendship doesn't end at the wedding. Fact remains you are in love with your friend. This is why I struggle with this problem is 1) I couldn't be friends with someone I was in love with who is unavailable 2) be involved with someone when I am in love with someone else - you stay with him because the guy you want is unavailable.
I think its completely wrong what you are doing and you know it too.

Firstly NO I would not have been with him. Secondly I don't stay with my boyfriend because this guy is unavailable, i've known this guy a hell of a lot longer than my bf so that doesn't make sense. I would never ever ever cheat on my bf.

Forever Hopeful

Brainfog wrote: »

Firstly NO I would not have been with him. Secondly I don't stay with my boyfriend because this guy is unavailable, i've known this guy a hell of a lot longer than my bf so that doesn't make sense. I would never ever ever cheat on my bf.

If that's how you genuinely feel then its just been a lot of drama over nothing. Problem solved.

December2012

Don't go to wedding.
Break up with your current boyfriend - nobody should settle for second best

Get over your friend - it will never happen.

Work on yourself and be alone for a while.

Big Bag of Chips

It's very simple....

Do you want to go to the wedding?

deman

The only person that is mentioned in this thread that has a problem doesn't even know he has a problem; the OP's bf.

It's him I feel sorry for. Let him go... he doesn't deserve this crap.

LegacyUser

deman wrote: »

The only person that is mentioned in this thread that has a problem doesn't even know he has a problem; the OP's bf.

It's him I feel sorry for. Let him go... he doesn't deserve this crap.

What exactly have I done on him that's so terrible. Have a friend who I fancy? Wondering whether I should cut all contact and not attend the wedding because I feel like its unfair to my bf? Oh yeah i'm an awful cow altogether.

Chara1001

This is becoming a headwrecking, drama queenish thread.
Don't go to the wedding.
You don't need to upset your boyfriend, your soon to be married friend, his soon to be wife, or yourself.

December2012

Op nobody called you a cow.

What some people, myself included, have said is that you shouldn't be with somebody if another has made you feel stronger.

Calm down.

LegacyUser

There's nothing I can do about how I feel believe me if I could I would, it's headwrecking. I love my boyfriend to bits, things aren't perfect but I still love him dearly. My feelings for this guy are no reflection on my boyfriend. No matter how many years I go without seeing him I still can't stop thinking about him, sounds stupid I know. I know terms like out of my league sound like something from an American teen movie, but this is the only way I can describe this other guy so i'm doing myself no favours thinking about him.

ibarelycare

Brainfog wrote: »

What exactly have I done on him that's so terrible. Have a friend who I fancy? Wondering whether I should cut all contact and not attend the wedding because I feel like its unfair to my bf? Oh yeah i'm an awful cow altogether.

There wasn't even a mention of a boyfriend in your first few posts. Your original post had a big long back story that had very little to do with what you're saying now. It's completely unclear what the issue is. You have a bit of a crush on someone, that's not unusual, even if you're in a relationship. If you're not mature enough to be able to handle that then don't go to the wedding.

Forever Hopeful

Brainfog wrote: »

There's nothing I can do about how I feel believe me if I could I would, it's headwrecking. I love my boyfriend to bits, things aren't perfect but I still love him dearly. My feelings for this guy are no reflection on my boyfriend. No matter how many years I go without seeing him I still can't stop thinking about him, sounds stupid I know. I know terms like out of my league sound like something from an American teen movie, but this is the only way I can describe this other guy so i'm doing myself no favours thinking about him.

Doesn't the fact that this man is in love with someone and wants to marry her play into any of this? Its a waste of time. We part of having feelings for someone is the possibilities of a future. There is NO future with this guy. Stop and focus on your bf. As I've stated before I couldn't be with someone when I've feelings for someone else. What if you found out your boyfriend 'who you love to bits' had the same feelings for a co worker?

username123

Whats the relevancy of the married fella who split with his wife?

I dont really understand what the issue is here?

Paddy Cow

username123 wrote: »

Whats the relevancy of the married fella who split with his wife?

I dont really understand what the issue is here?

He was spreading rumours that when the op visited him when the wife wasn't there they had an affair. His ex will be at the wedding and she might be p!ssed off with the op.

username123

Paddy Cow wrote: »

He was spreading rumours that when the op visited him when the wife wasn't there they had an affair. His ex will be at the wedding and she might be p!ssed off with the op.

Ah, so is the issue that the OP should go to the wedding because someone else who might be p!ssed off with her is there or that she fancies the groom and wont be able to handle it?

I mean to be honest, it seems like a lot of flapping over nothing. If you fancy the person getting married and are not adult or mature enough to control yourself then dont go.

Forever Hopeful

The way it read to me was that the Op worked with a bunch of people and was friends with them. One of these friends is getting married, has invited the Op and incidentally she's in love with him.
The very guy informed her of their mutual married friend was spreading rumours that he had an affair with the Op. Drama ensued, boyfriends appeared, nights out with the groom to be, falling asleep on couches, decisions made not to go to said wedding.
Head hurts now but the object of affection is getting married and making a life with someone else. The Op is mad about her bf and would never cheat. She has decided not to go to the wedding.
No more problem.

meeeeh

Op, I think you are a lot like I used to be. When there was nothing going on I got bored and landed in some trouble (different kind of trouble). Forget about weding, meeting your friend or accusations of affairs. First you have to figure out if you are happy in your relationship and figure out how to proceed. Then go to the wedding and have fun. I suspect that friend getting married will be a lot less attractive once you figure out how (un)important is your bf to you.

LegacyUser

In theory that sounds great guys. My head is completely wrecked though, just want to forget about this person. In tears about the whole situation.

CaraMay

Brainfog wrote: »

In theory that sounds great guys. My head is completely wrecked though, just want to forget about this person. In tears about the whole situation.

And yet you say that it doesn't affect your relationship with your bf? That's total rubbish. Your bf should be with someone who loves him alone.

Maybe this guy is 'the one who got away'. If so, what are you going to do? Stay in a second best relationship? Tell him you have feelings for him?

What are you going to do? The only decent thing you can do is break up with your bf who you clearly don't and can't love.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

And yet you say that it doesn't affect your relationship with your bf? That's total rubbish. Your bf should be with someone who loves him alone.

Maybe this guy is 'the one who got away'. If so, what are you going to do? Stay in a second best relationship? Tell him you have feelings for him?

What are you going to do? The only decent thing you can do is break up with your bf who you clearly don't and can't love.

That's total rubbish, how can you make a statement like that "don't and can't love".

Forever Hopeful

Brainfog wrote: »

In theory that sounds great guys. My head is completely wrecked though, just want to forget about this person. In tears about the whole situation.

Op, it's very hard for posters to feel sympathy or offer advice when you are not being honest about the real problem. Getting defensive and snappy at responses isn't helping and probably why you are in tears over the situation. You aren't bring honest with yourself or with what's really going on.
With the information you have provided, it sounds a bit melodramatic to be crying over a guy whom (according to the info you've provided) has no idea of how you feel and again is getting married to someone else.
In essence you are crying over a crush where your feelings haven't been reciprocated. Based on 3 pages of advice, limited details etc the only thing anyone can say is Get Over It!

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op, it's very hard for posters to feel sympathy or offer advice when you are not being honest about the real problem. Getting defensive and snappy at responses isn't helping and probably why you are in tears over the situation. You aren't bring honest with yourself or with what's really going on.
With the information you have provided, it sounds a bit melodramatic to be crying over a guy whom (according to the info you've provided) has no idea of how you feel and again is getting married to someone else.
In essence you are crying over a crush where your feelings haven't been reciprocated. Based on 3 pages of advice, limited details etc the only thing anyone can say is Get Over It!

That wasn't supposed to be snappy or defensive. I was agreeing with you.

OP, I think you've got all the advice you're going to get on this matter and I don't see this going anywhere so I am going to close it.
Good luck