Erectile dysfunction

chases0102

Hi,

This is a difficult post to write, as it involves a subject/topic that has been upsetting me for months, to the extent that I think I have become quite down, or even depressed about. The purpose of this post, I suppose, is hopefully someone can give me advice on this situation, as it is, as I've said, really bothering me lately and certainly contributing to a lower quality of life for myself.

I have lived with this all my life, and certainly was in denial about it up until about 2006, 2007. I have awful trouble getting and maintaining an erection. I suppose pride was the number one thing that was central in my denial. My thinking was along the lines of "ah no, I'm only young, surely this is a one off". But, unfortunately, it never was. I drink and smoke, but certainly not heavily for either (about 4 cigarettes a day, have drinks maybe once a week - certainly nothing compared to some of my friends for both smoking and drinking).

I've been to the doctor a few times. They have prescribed me with Cialis. This has worked great; however there are a few things I want to say about it. I have been using it for quite some time.

I have a girlfriend a couple of years. She doesn't know that I take Cialis. However, there were always instances when I hadn't taken it (or, as I will say shortly, times that I had) where I could not perform. It caused big tension, for me anyway, when it happened. Huge, massive feelings of inadequacy and emasculation. Such a low, terrible feeling to be lying in bed with your loved one, knowing that you cannot satisfy her.

She has been good though - seldom reacting in a way that would make me feel worse, almost never belittling me. However, recently, she piped up that this was beginning to become an issue, and that it has happened more than once. I, once again, became very withdrawn and ashamed. However, a few days later, I told her that I had seen the doctor and that he took bloods and said I didn't have much to worry about. Then that was fine for a few weeks until it happened again. I had taken Cialis, but nothing was happening. Again, a very awkward, uncomfortable situation ensued, and I just felt absolutely terrible.

I feel it is impacting the way I work, the way I am towards other people, and generally my outlook on life! It is such a bane.

Of course, my mind goes into overdrive...my girlfriend must think I am a complete loser....will I drive her away...will she look at other men and think 'gosh, I wish my boyfriend could satisfy me'...is she going to start looking for a way out of this relationship...

Now I know all these thoughts are probably way OTT, however I can't help it. She's great, and I am very much in love, and also, the sex, when I can get it up, is always great.

The most recent, and upsetting episode, was when I had taken Cialis and still not able to perform. So I'm left wondering WTF can I do...am I going to be miserable like this forever? Why me?

I have done quite a bit of research. A lot of articles online say to make sure to relax...however, I find this very difficult. As you can see from my post, it has weighed so heavily on my mind that I simply can't stop thinking 'jesus, I hope I can get it up and perform and pleasure my girlfriend'. It's like a vicious circle - I'm uptight because I want to perform, and maybe this is the reason why.

On the physical side of things...I am reasonably healthy...as I said, I smoke and drink (however I had given up the smokes for about 15 days prior to the most recent episode...very weakly, I bought a pack due to the stress that this was all causing me), would be fairly active but not overly so. I can masterbate fine, and the doctor said it's certainly not a hormone or chemical issue purely because I have a beard.

So I'm just at a loose end, and would love some advice. It is really, really debilitating and affecting my quality of life. I feel so sorry for my girlfriend who has to put with all this nonsense.

So please, ANY advice is welcome...I mean, can hypnosis work? Therapy? Anything at all, would be most welcome.

Thanks, even just writing this feels like a bit of a relief.

JimmyCrackCorn

Ask a doctor. The internets are generally full of misguided information.

When it comes to your health and well-being the internets are a good source of scientific studies that can then be discussed with your doctor.

An internet forum is full of half assed advice

chases0102

Thanks, you're absolutely correct....I suppose I was just sussing out if anyone here has or had gone through something similar and had ways of dealing with this in their daily life.

dlofnep

I went through some ED for a few months last year, and had DE all of my adult life. I conquered both by quitting masturbation last year. There's a great talk about the issue and the science behind it on TED: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU - The process takes 3-6 months. I thoroughly recommend it. It has changed my life. Difficult at the start, but gets easier. Sex is amazing now. If you've any questions on it, just drop me a line. I know it can be a very difficult issue to deal with.

I also found that kegel exercises helped me.

chases0102

Thanks for response dlofnep, I may take you up on that

Alias G

As dlofnep said, I think the kegel exercises would help a lot. Plenty of men stay as hard a diamond cutter right up until their death-bed by using those exercises. They won't make an immediate improvement, but if you perservere with them you'll definitely see some benefits a good bit down the line.

deirdremf

I didn't read through your whole post, but it seems to me that one of the most important things for you to do is discuss the matter with your girlfriend. If she knows that you have a long-term problem, she will be even more understanding - and you will feel under less pressure, I think. By hiding the issue from her, she is not able to be supportive in a way that she otherwise would be.
I don't know if you are getting to the stage of making long-term plans together, but if so, don't you think you should be honest with her? My own feeling is that airing the matter would be a great help to you - as you said n your OP, just writing about it has helped you.

chases0102

I have spoken with my partner on this issue, but never in the detail that I would have went into above - my fears and potential despair. However, the little bits of talks that we did have about this certainly made me feel better, and my hope is to open up even more dialogue about it in future. In all honesty, it's up to me to swallow my pride a small bit and tell her all the things I talked about above. Communication, I agree, is key.

Thanks for your reply.

Piliger

OP ... I have shared this issue for 25 years, since I was your age.

There are two issues here: a) The physical issue b) Your state of mind, and your dependency on how your penis reacts fro confidence and self worth.

The physical thing:
This is best dealt with by a doctor - and MY advice is that GP's are HOPELESS ... you need to get a referral from him immediately to a specialist. Don't take no for an answer, and if he refuses ... then move to a doctor who will. Look for a young doctor and keep going.
The FACT that Cialis works is PROOF that you have a real physical malfunction somewhere down there ... probably such a tiny and slight malfunction ... but enough to stop your erection, yet be easily corrected with Cialis. This is IMPORTANT to remember. And it is important to remember that there may be nothing that can be done. It may just be the way things are. MILLIONS of us have the same experience.

The mental thing:
Look. First of all, despite what the juvenile 'lads' may say hereabouts, sex is NOT all about a big cock and lots of repetitive thrusting and thrusting ! You need to cop on to this. You need to talk to your girl friend about this. I have had an average number of partners over the years ... and I can tell you that NONE of the women I have ever been with believed that - quite the opposite. The truth is that although I have read about a few women who are obsessed with big cocks, I have never met one or met anyone who met one.

So you need to start separating your image of 'you' and your penis. When he doesn't feel like standing up ... so be it. It is NOT a reflection on you as a MAN !! it is also not a reflection of you as a lover or a person. It is also NOT a reflection of how you feel about your girlfriend. It is ONLY a function of a small tiny dysfunction somewhere in the tubes somewhere. And FFS Everyone has something wrong with some part of them


You MUST start talking to your GF. Tell her about your Cialis - but tell that it is VERY important that she realises that Cialis does not CREATE an erection. That is not how it works. It will only give you an erection if your body responds to her and wants it. Make her realise that important fact.

You must start to relax and accept that this is you - this is how things are - sometimes he goes on holidays and sometimes he comes back - and when you talk with her I would be wholly shocked if she didn't tell you that the whole thing is a storm in a teacup ! and to forget about it !

"Such a low, terrible feeling to be lying in bed with your loved one, knowing that you cannot satisfy her."
Dude ........ you are totally and utterly and completely and comprehensively wrong. I am not going to start getting into the details here ... but there are LOTS of fantastic things you can be doing with her that will MORE than satisfy her ! Talk to her and she will tell you !!

OP ... you don't need to be fixed. You have a small intermittent issue that is easily solved ... on most occasions

Conclusion:
You need to reflect on what is important in life, and important in sex. Hydraulic pumping is only ONE of MANY aspects of great and loving and fantastic sex. I will tell you the gods honest truth when I say that my problems with this issue have been a gift to me - in that I have been forced to abandon this obsession with intercourse and learn what a woman REALLY wants, and to abandon the other obsession that intercourse is the only pleasure WE as men get from sex. I am 100% certain that I am a MUCH better lover now than I was when I was 25, when I only knew how to do one thing.

Best of luck - feel free to PM me if you want.

chases0102

Thanks for that advice - I agree, that I am probably being very hard on myself, and currently I am just trying to get into a good headspace and taking all this fantastic advice on board.

I know it won't be a quick fix, or something that will be corrected in a medium space of time. I would just love for, let's say this date next year, that I can get over this malaise and be happy with myself.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice. You're all great.

Martonio

Bravo on starting this thread, it must not be easy to talk about this subject. That Ted Talks video is pretty good and enlightening. I am 28 years old and over the last few months I have been finding it difficult to maintain or obtain an erection. It is quite worrying and I have been putting off in going to the GP and I am slightly afraid to discuss it with my new GF for fear that it is a deal breaker which would totally suck. The above video has left a lot of food for thought and I can relate to what was said. It does make me feel inadequate and anxious when about to perform. I think that hopefully cutting out porn, masturbating and smoking will help. This thread has made me feel better about myself and hopefully give me the courage to seek the help I need.

PingO_O

dlofnep wrote: »

I went through some ED for a few months last year, and had DE all of my adult life. I conquered both by quitting masturbation last year. There's a great talk about the issue and the science behind it on TED: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU - The process takes 3-6 months. I thoroughly recommend it. It has changed my life. Difficult at the start, but gets easier. Sex is amazing now. If you've any questions on it, just drop me a line. I know it can be a very difficult issue to deal with.

I also found that kegel exercises helped me.

Interesting video, but was it porn you gave up or masturbation altogether? The talk doesn't really mention whether the negatives would apply to just masturbating, you know what I mean?

BoscoBox

Don't have time to read all posts so I'm not sure if this website is posted but it's REALLY helpful and cured my problem at 22...now 23. I couldn't believe it either. Make sure you take your time and read through the whole website. Think this problem could be bigger than people think! http://yourbrainonporn.com/. Feel sorry for the 10, 11,12....year old kids exposed to so much porn. Bound to have a negative effect!. Also, get out of your own head, Exercise, improve your diet to paleo...marksdailyapple.com....and for god sake open up to your girlfriend...emotional bonds are so much stronger than physical...besides it's your tongue she wants. Become an expert in that over the coming months. Good luck mate

JimmyCrackCorn

Martonio wrote: »

Bravo on starting this thread, it must not be easy to talk about this subject. That Ted Talks video is pretty good and enlightening. I am 28 years old and over the last few months I have been finding it difficult to maintain or obtain an erection. It is quite worrying and I have been putting off in going to the GP and I am slightly afraid to discuss it with my new GF for fear that it is a deal breaker which would totally suck. The above video has left a lot of food for thought and I can relate to what was said. It does make me feel inadequate and anxious when about to perform. I think that hopefully cutting out porn, masturbating and smoking will help. This thread has made me feel better about myself and hopefully give me the courage to seek the help I need.

Yes its a good idea to do all you have suggested above. But go talk to a doctor, an erectile dysfunction problem could be caused by lots of things and the erection evolved as a health indicator.


You have nothing to worry about talking to a doctor they deal with this erectile dysfunction on a daily basis.

Galwayguy35

This is also something which I have had to deal with, I've never gone to a doctor about it and am single at the moment but it was a major issue in my last relationship.

My last gf didn't hold back in voicing her disappointment when I wasn't able to get an erection and I sometimes think women don't realise how the things they say can affect a man when this happens.

Neeson

Don't feel bad. People we all know and love have the same as yourself. People like Ronnie Whelan.

Paidi O Se also had problems getting it up before he died.

chases0102

chases0102 wrote: »

I was just sussing out if anyone here has or had gone through something similar and had ways of dealing with this in their daily life.

I have not but I have helped a few people who have. A strange relationship status seems to make me a lighthouse beacon for people to open up about their own sexual issues so I find I am approached many times more than the average person for advice on many issues and this has been one of them.

The issue with Erectile dysfunction is that the causes are too numerous to list outside of anything shorter than a novel. They can be physical - mental - dietry - or medical - and so on.

Certainly if you have no trouble obtaining and maintaining an erection in solo situations such as masturbation then this would be a strong indicator towards mental and physical rather than dietry or medical. It does not rule them out but I would certainly start from that angle more readily. If however you have the same issue during masturbation then I would reverse that diagnosis.

My advice therefore would be many fold and worth doing in parallel:

1) Explain the entire situation to your girlfriend openly and in depth. I know this scares you and you are afraid of repercussions. But consider the alternative. Until she understands the issue she might start to think - for example - that SHE is the problem - is failing you somehow - or you are not into her any more. So your fear of her wanting out of the relationship could in fact become a self fulfilling prophecy - but for the wrong reasons. If she is going to ditch you and run is it not better that she do so based on the facts and not because of her false impressions?

2) Increase your exercise in life and improve your diet. Look for any chance you can to walk, cycle or run where you otherwise might take a car or bus at the very least. But consider taking up gym membership or dance classes. Move away from processed foods to fresh foods where possible. In fact grow your own fruit, veg and herbs where possible too.

3) Realize that thinking about your own penis is not erotic. One of the main reasons people fail to obtain erections is that they are thinking about whether they have an erection or not. Think about it: When masturbating you are thinking about sex - women - pussies - humping - women being pleasured - their legs - breasts and so on so forth. When you are having sex however you are thinking about your penis and whether or not is hard. Therefore all the signals you normally use to get hard are entirely absent during actual sex. No wonder nothing happens down there. You simply must get your mind off your penis during sex and focus on the things that actually do arouse you.

4) If the above does not work and you simply can not get your mind off it then try and reverse WHAT you think about. A trick I have suggested to many and has worked in about 4/10 cases is one I stole from sleep therapy. One of the best ways to fall asleep it seems is to try and stay awake. Many of us know this from sleepless nights where we simply can not get asleep until about 30 minutes before the alarm where we suddenly start trying to stay awake - and we pass out. Also with children a great way to get them to sleep is to tell them "Stay awake and i will be back in 20 minutes to read a story". Many parents find when they look in 20 minutes later the kid is fast asleep. So insomniacs who obsess over trying to fall asleep are taught that a trick they can use is to train in ways of trying to concentrate on staying awake - not in falling asleep. And quite often this works wonderfully. Similarly I have found people benefit from making a game of not trying to get hard during sex - but trying NOT to.

5) Consider taking up mindfulness meditation. It is a way of relaxing and so forth so it is beneficial - but it is also a way of training and controlling your moment to moment awareness and concentration. A skill which could be very useful in point 3 and 4 above.

6) Try to lose the notion that satisfying women is all about your penis. This is a stereotype - often supported by porn - that most men seem to have. It is not a fact however. You are not some vehicle for a penis that has to get hard so a woman can impale herself on it and jiggle about until she is happy. Your entire being is important. Hands, fingers, mouth, tongue, arms, legs, torso - how you use all those things - not to mention the noises you make, the desire that comes across in your actions and motions, the words you say, the way you respond to your partners words, actions and motions - are all just as important as your penis. YOU are the sexual organ in your entirety during sex not just your penis. Nor is a woman all about her vagina. One of the most memorable orgasms - for example - I ever gave a girl did not involve my penis or contact with her vagina - but it was my hand on her thighs and the urgency and desire with which I was touching and caressing them - that suddenly made her explode. So try to learn to focus on yourself and herself in your entirety as the sexual beings you are rather than just two vehicles for opposite sexual organs which need to bang off each other.

7) Certainly do seek further medical advice however. Preferably from a number of doctors. And where possible have no qualms about asking where your doctor obtained their qualifications. Getting a second opinion is great – but I firmly believe the usefulness is diluted if you get those second opinions from someone who sat in the same class – with the same lecturers – in the same university as the person you got the first opinion off. Try to get two or three doctors who obtained their qualifications from entirely different universities – maybe even in entirely different countries.

ranger3gs

Hi everyone, I came across this thread as I am having similar problems and was wondering if the OP has found any improvements over the past couple of months and if any of the above advise has worked?

I'm a 26 year old, healthy man and have had trouble achieving or maintaining an erection since I first started having sex. This problem usually follows the same course each time - during foreplay, I have no problem acheiving an erection and all appears to be going well; but when I prepare to begin intercourse with my partner, I quickly lose my erection meaning I usually fall out or am unable to penetrate at all.

This first happened when I was about 18 and because I was very drunk at the time, I assumed it was completely a drink related issue. However since then there have been plenty of occasions where I have been completely sober yet still have had the exact same problem. I have seen a couple of different gps about this and both have given me cialis and viagara (or it generic version) respectively. While both drugs (cialis in particular) have improved the intensity of my erection when I have taken them, my problem still persists. Once the time comes to have intercourse, I get into such a panic and lose complete arrousal. The last time got so bad, I couldn't even tell if I was inside her or not becasue I was in such a state of panic. It has clearly become a viscious cycle where the fear of performance anxiety leads to performance anxeity. When foreplay begins all i can think about is whether or not my penis is hard as opposed to enjoying the moment. I know some of you above said one should just concentrate on whats happening in the moment, but that is easier said then done.

I watched the TED conference video on porn but am unsure as to whether this could be my problem. I watch porn maybe once a week but I don't think I have become addicted to it. In saying that, my masturbation habits could be an issue. I usually masturbate every day and can achieve an erection with no problem at all; but I make myself come in a minutes which can't be good I guess. From reading some of the above advise, I am going to try and give up masturbating to see if this leads to any improvements.

This problem has caused me such huge problems over the years and I am at a stage now where I fear I will never be able to experience the joys of sex in my lifetime. It has happened on numerous occasions with many different girls which leaves me in such a state of embarassment that I never want to see them again. Some of these girls, I have genuinely liked; but I have found getting off to such a bad start in the bedroom completely ruins any chance of things going furhter.

I would consider myself a very elligible guy however this problem is making me lose interest in women. On too many occasions, pursuing women results humiliation and embarassment.

I am seeing a girl at the moment and while this problem occured on our first time having sex and she was very understanding. I didn't explain anything to her but she seemed far more reassuring than previous girls, however if this problem persists, I fear I will lose her just like the others.

If the OP or anyone else has had any success or further insights with this problem, I would really like to hear them.

ranger3gs

ranger3gs wrote: »

I have no problem acheiving an erection and all appears to be going well; but when I prepare to begin intercourse with my partner, I quickly lose my erection meaning I usually fall out or am unable to penetrate at all.

What does be going through your mind at that time? Read my post above related to when people are thinking about their penis during sex rather than being focused on what actually arouses them.

Could it be you are getting to the penetration point of sex and your attention and mind shift from the things that aroused you - to questions like "is my penis hard". This shift from the external stimulus to introverted questioning and self evaluation can be a great turn off and I have found it to be one of the most common explanations for sudden Erection Failure.

Stories like yours are common in such cases too. An early erection problem like your drunken experience weighs on the mind. So the next experience it comes back to the fore front of the mind and you engage in the introversion I mention above. So the same thing happens again.

From then on it is a rolling snowball problem which gets bigger and bigger each time.

ranger3gs wrote: »

When foreplay begins all i can think about is whether or not my penis is hard as opposed to enjoying the moment. I know some of you above said one should just concentrate on whats happening in the moment, but that is easier said then done.

This is what I get for replaying as I read rather than reading and then replying. A habit I need to break. Yes it sounds very much like what I am saying is relevant to you.

Mindfullness meditation might help a bit. It will not cure the problem directly but it will very much train your ability to concentrate on other things and to notice when your mind wanders to the wrong place and to bring it back on track.

Try also the reverse psychology issue I laid out above where instead of concentrating on trying to get hard, try playing with trying really hard NOT to get hard.

And understanding partner who you can discuss it with is useful too. Especially if you can arrange sexual sessions with her with no penetration at all. Agree before hand that it simply will not happen. This will give you experiences of sexual encounters without the pressure of pentration performance. Relaxing in this manner can help future sessions where it will be part of the experience.

ranger3gs wrote: »

I am seeing a girl at the moment and while this problem occured on our first time having sex and she was very understanding. I didn't explain anything to her but she seemed far more reassuring than previous girls, however if this problem persists, I fear I will lose her just like the others.

The hardest thing to do for people like yourself is to open up and explain the sitution to a girl. Especially with the fear that she will want out and will run off and escape the situation.

It really is a self fulfilling prophecy however. Without opening up the girl will be left to her own conclusions. And they tend to range from thinking something is wrong with you - to something is wrong with HER. And either way she will want out.

Be open about this once you get intimate and explain that you know everything is in working order down there but "mental blocks" come into play during sex that ruin the whole thing. Its not her fault, and its not an uncurable problem, but it needs time and understanding and work.

Youll find more girls than you think will understand and be more than willing to help you through it. And - going on the testimony of the people I know who had this issue and have gotten over it - once things start working it is a fast slide from there and many people seem to recover quickly once recovery begins.

Martonio

All of the advice posted above is very helpful. For me, when I was experiencing the same problems earlier in the year, I stopped smoking, stopped looking at porn and being desensitised to being with a woman. I also cut down on masturbating as that only brings about the enjoyment of coming and not the sensuality of being with a partner. I increased my exercise and when it came to being with my girlfriend after not seeing her for two months I was still nervous as hell after my previous poor performance, everything worked. No more problems and none since.
The problem does reside mentally for a lot of people and I think that was the case for me and can be for many men. We keep putting pressure on ourselves in order to perform or else we wouldn't feel like a man and that our partner would think the same. Then every time you begin to have sex the nerves just build up and it almost turns into anxiety and fear and you can no longer enjoy the moment.
It is important to discuss it with your partner as I did with mine and she even said to me one time during an episode "Is there anything she can do". I think some women are more sensitive than others and do understand and are not the shallow people that we may think they are when it comes to penile function. They can be quite understanding.

Also, during foreplay touch yourself, concentrate on pleasing your partner by other means and enjoy the moment. If change of diet, exercise and talking to your partner does not work then never be afraid to talk to your doctor or even a close male friend. I spoke to a good friend of mine and he looked at it objectively (the situation, not my penis) and gave me some food for thought.
Best of luck guys, I know that these issues are difficult to talk about, especially in person.

ranger3gs

Deleted User wrote: »

From then on it is a rolling snowball problem which gets bigger and bigger each time.

Yeah you’re totally right. The first time this happened was a real blow even though I could barely stand I was so drunk. I remember it playing on my mind terribly around that time so I suppose it has just snowballed from that occasion. The first time it happened it was drink related so I said I decided I woudn’t drink the next time I had sex. When that didn’t work I suspected it was nerves so I took medication and when medication didn’t work it became clear that this is purely a psychological issue which doesn’t have an easier resolution such as remaining sober or taking a pill. Trying to make real lifestyle changes and changes of the psyche are far more challenging than the above, but it is a more empowering solution. Or so I would hope.

Deleted User wrote: »

It really is a self fulfilling prophecy however. Without opening up the girl will be left to her own conclusions. And they tend to range from thinking something is wrong with you - to something is wrong with HER. And either way she will want out.

Again very true. If it does happen again I will have to explain to her. In times before I could sense the girl getting upset as she thought it was something she did wrong. But I was always far too embarrassed to say anything.

Martonio wrote: »

All of the advice posted above is very helpful. For me, when I was experiencing the same problems earlier in the year, I stopped smoking, stopped looking at porn and being desensitised to being with a woman. I also cut down on masturbating as that only brings about the enjoyment of coming and not the sensuality of being with a partner. I increased my exercise and when it came to being with my girlfriend after not seeing her for two months I was still nervous as hell after my previous poor performance, everything worked. No more problems and none since.
The problem does reside mentally for a lot of people and I think that was the case for me and can be for many men. We keep putting pressure on ourselves in order to perform or else we wouldn't feel like a man and that our partner would think the same. Then every time you begin to have sex the nerves just build up and it almost turns into anxiety and fear and you can no longer enjoy the moment.

Thanks for posting. It’s very reassuring to hear from someone who has gone through something similar and managed to overcome it. I too did smoke (albeit quite infrequently) but gave it up about 3 months ago, partly due to this problem. I exercise quite regularly but notice a dip in my sex drive whenever I go through a bad streak without any exercise.
You’re completely right about masturbating and this only something I have come to realise in the last few days. It is used a substitute for sex but the two are completely different and I think masturbation may only distort sexual experiences with partners. I am not certain about this but when the only sexual experience you have been accustomed to is masturbation, it can't really be surprising that this has an affect on intercourse. Especially when this is coupled with porn.
Maybe its just me, but throughout my life I have felt that masturbating was the most normal thing for a man to do and never thought of cutting back for a minute.
I'm just thinking out loud and this may not actually be my problem, but I think theres a good chance it is so for now I'm off the porn and cutting back big time on masturbating. I've actually done a bit of research on it and giving up seems to be quite and hugely postive for some people. They may not be giving up for the same reasons as myself, but the results seem to be quite positive overall. Here's a good article on it http://nymag.com/news/features/anti-masturbation-2013-4/

Martonio wrote: »

Also, during foreplay touch yourself, concentrate on pleasing your partner by other means and enjoy the moment.

I’m just wondering do you mean “don’t touch yourself”? Cos I get carried away with touching myself when I get soft and that seems to make it impossible to get an erection back.

Thanks for the reply guys, your messages are greatly appreciated. It’s my first time posting so I didn’t know what to expect but I’m very grateful for your replies. If you or anyone else has any thoughts, please do share!

ranger3gs

ranger3gs wrote: »

The first time it happened it was drink related so I said I decided I woudn’t drink the next time I had sex. When that didn’t work I suspected it was nerves

I hear similar sentences so often. Likely what happened is that the second time you spend a lot of time thinking about the first time. And asking yourself "Am I hard yet? Is it working?".

ranger3gs wrote: »

Again very true. If it does happen again I will have to explain to her.

I think this is the best choice. That does not mean 100% it will work out. She could be the kind of girl who will go "Yeah - right - this is not for me - bye". Or she could be supportive. No one can know. But either way - whether it works or not - I think explaining it is the right choice. This time and any other time in the future with any other girl.

Hopefully she will be supportive and you can explore - together - ways to engage in sexual "fun" without any pressure being on the penetration part.

Martonio

ranger3gs wrote: »

I’m just wondering do you mean “don’t touch yourself”? Cos I get carried away with touching myself when I get soft and that seems to make it impossible to get an erection back.

Eh, It depends. Every case is individual. For me I cut out masturbation and only really touched myself when going down on a woman and tried to keep sexual contact when I was with someone rather than Pam and her five friends.

cookiexx

Hey Ranger3gs, I just read your posts and wanted to give a female perspective on this if I may. The part about genuinely liking the girl you're with but never contacting them again because you perceive yourself to have ruined things really struck a chord.

I had a brief relationship with a guy who suffered from ED and it absolutely 110% did nothing to turn me off or make me lose interest or get frustrated or any of those things you think your previous partners felt. I think any woman who genuinely likes you and isn't just looking for a one night stand would feel the same.

However, what did kill the relationship was the lack of communication from him about what he was dealing with. I can't blame the guy - I can't even imagine how soul destroying it must be and I'm lucky that as a woman I'll probably never really know. But each time after we attempted sex and it happened, he wouldn't contact me for weeks - I'd be the one to reach out to him every time - ask him out again - because I was crazy about the guy and the actual "getting the ride" part was a small part of the equation as far as I was concerned. I was happy just lying in the same bed as him, being intimate, cuddling, kissing, whatever. Each time I was as supportive and comforting and understanding as possible - no tangible disappointment or any of that - I was totally willing to work through it with him if he had just said the words.

But he never did. Instead after a series of failed attempts at penetrative sex, followed by another encounter where it was all over before it even started, if you get me, he avoided me for a few weeks, ignored me at a mutual friends' night out (despite the fact that we were seemingly in a relationship, hard to explain that one to the mates) and threw a few cliched lines at me about "not wanting a relationship".

Now I'll never know if his ED issues were the problem or if he just wasn't that bothered about me - but the reason I simply had to post is because he could've been just like you and actually liked me, but thought that this thing was too hard to recover from, when as far as I was concerned, it was anything but a reason to call it quits. I genuinely liked the guy and was quite hurt by the whole thing.

I guess this is a long winded way of saying - if you really like this current girl, open up to her and be honest about it. Say exactly what TaxAHCruel advised you to say, as terrifying as it prob seems. I can't tell you as a woman how much of a relief it would've been for my ex to have just bloody said, this is a problem I've been having, I'm healthy and it's not serious but it might take me some time to work through it - it would've saved me from the absolute head fcuk of thinking this guy actually wasn't sexually attracted to me and found me repulsive or something (I'm a pretty attractive woman and never experienced this before but this is where many a woman's mind will go)

Don't let this be a reason to cut yourself off from relationships, because it really won't be a big deal to a woman who is really into you.

Best of luck.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I suffered from ED before.

Here is a post by me about it and what I did to solve the problem:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=71533014&postcount=23

LegacyUser

I had a similar problem as some of the posters above where it came to intercourse losing the erection and not being able to retain it, at 21 I was getting a bit worried and was about to post here until I saw other posters had asked the same.

Well now the problem seems to be solved thanks to the advice from the above posters and intercourse has not being an issue for me.

My story is as follows,
Ive had sexual partners before with no issues but when I was going to have sex with a girl I was "seeing" I had a bit of difficulty putting on a condom which lead to me losing the erection and that was that for the night.
So when the next night came along I was so worried and thinking of it happening again that of course it happened straight away again as soon as i opened the condom wrapper.

Although she said it was ok we never really talked about what happened after that and we stopped seeing eachother shortly after, that was my choice and wasnt anything to do with the trouble I was having.

Anyways recently I was seeing a girl who I really liked and we started going out, again no problems with foreplay and when it came to sex once again panic kicked in and down it went once again.

So wanting to sort it out before it happened again I came on here looking for a solution or similar problems before I took it as far as asking my doctor for advice.

After reading the posts here I realised the problem was clearly thinking about it happening and trying to keep an erection instead of letting it naturally happen, (its damn hard to keep an erection when you're only thinking about that and not the things that give you one)

So I decided to relax myself next time and think 100% about her and not that. We were out for a few drinks and came home, drink was never an issue for me in the sack so it was a grand way to have me relax and be more calm.

Anyway moral to the story is I didnt think about it happening and gave her 100% of the attention and everything worked

So for anyone having similar issues id highly recommend following the lads advice above.

Thanks all