Closure after 10 years of being controlled and dominated?

LegacyUser

The relationship I was in was a disaster.

He would try to control everything about me; in the early days he made me 'clear out' my wardrobe, getting rid of clothes he deemed too revealing. He even some how, got me into the habit of not drinking alcohol socially, he said the smell of it on my breath reminded him of 'slutty women in pubs'. At the beginning he would say that if it wasn't for him I'd have turned into one of those girls, (slutty, drunk, loud, etc)

In the middle years of the relationship, the inquisitions and accusations really kicked in. He was to meet me once at the deli where I worked during my college years, we were catching a train to my house after my shift had ended. He sat at a table in front of the counter, and as time went by I could see his face turning sour. When we left the deli, he started on me, asking why I was smiling at the men that came in, and that I smiled more at one particular man than the rest, and why?? He once choked me, because he thought I was admiring Ryan Reynolds in The Amityville Horror (you know the part when he is chopping wood with the axe topless??) I had made no comment, as I knew better, he was the one who brought it up and I just laughed it off. He then turned the film off, I said cop on and tried to take the remote control from him but I caught his broken thumb by accident, and then he snapped and got on top of me with his hands tightly around my neck for a significant amount of time.

The last few years, I have gone down hill, big time! I've gained about 6 stone in 2.5 years.
I fly into rages over the smallest of things. Including violent rages. I could start ranting about something and then end screaming and wailing. The summer just gone was the beginning of the end.... I think the anxiety and rage that was always in my stomach turned into a deep dark depression and I could barely function, I pretty much never showered, I went about 2 weeks with out washing my hair, I would drink full bottles of wine in 30 mins.

I couldn't sleep at night because I was so agitated, I would get up and bomb around town in my car at about 4am (not drunk though), breaking red lights, half hoping the guards would pull me over or somebody would run into me.

Over the next few months the relationship just faded out, and pretty much ended around Christmas, when all of his stuff was gone from the house. I feel so much better, I've lost two stone and regularly go to the gym, and the most surprising result is that the binge eating has completely dispersed without any conscious effort from me .

But I'm not totally there yet. I'm SOOOO angry, I feel really hard done by and sorry for myself. I'm heading into my late twenties now and I feel like I've missed out on so much fun and freedom. I was speaking with a friend about everything at the weekend, and she said that maybe I need to meet up with him and tell him this to get closure and move on.

In the last few years I've done nothing but tell him, I also spoke to his mother, in the hope that she might be shocked at how things were, she said she would speak to him but it never happened. What I'm actually mad about is how everybody (everybody in his world; his family, his friends) has viewed me over the last few years: moody, bitter, fat, unkempt, angry, shouting all the time, emotional, and just plain difficult to deal with it.

There would be a slight cross-over on friends and social circles, and I want him (and everybody) to see me somewhere when I've lost the weight I gained, and I'm looking well and alive again. Just so I can get across the point that: I told you it was your fault I was the way I was. Or is that just sad and pathetic on my part?

I feel like I so much to say and nobody has ever listened to my side. I've no idea what the next stage is?!! I'm not quite satisfied. Any practical advice from somebody with distance and perspective would be wonderful. Thank you for reading xx

OP, you're out of an abusive relationship, and well done for realising how awful it was and wanting to move on and what you have achieved so far.
I think you should go speak to a counsellor for how to deal with this and how to move on from it. I think it would be an awful idea to speak to this guy. The most he'll do is laugh it off, or try telling you it was your fault. This will make you more frustrated that he won't acknowledge it, and he probably never will. That is not what you need right now when you're doing so well for yourself.

It's natural to feel this anger looking back on it, it's natural to want to shove it in their face - and I do think you need to speak to a counsellor just as someone impartial who's seen this before and will help you best. Eventually with help and continuing your excellent work, you'll find you won't give a damn if you saw him again when you're looking as well as you are or not - you'll have moved on completely and know you're happy in yourself without needing any external validation.

Well done again

Jerrica

It's not sad or pathetic at all, I felt the same after coming out of an abusive relationship too.

Then one day it hit me, I could change, but he'd always be an a-hole, and therein lay the difference. That's when I realised the only person I needed to prove anything to was myself, and he wasn't worth a second more of my thought.

Change for you because you're worth it, because you deserve it, and because the best way to move on with a new life is to leave the old one and all the toxicity in it behind.

Best of luck

Merkin

What next? wrote: »

I was speaking with a friend about everything at the weekend, and she said that maybe I need to meet up with him and tell him this to get closure and move on.

:eek: Do not do this. I know it was well-intentioned but do not do this. You have finally gotten rid of this toxic control freak, don't even think about inviting him into your head space in any capacity.

You sound like you're making great progress and well done for that. I also think that counselling would benefit you enormously and really help you build back up your self-esteem and confidence.

ManOfMystery

First off, well done OP. I sincerely hope you get back on track and whatever happens, if he comes crawling round again don't fall for anything he says.

When someone has wronged you for a long time - like he has - it's natural to want some kind of closure. You want him to see how you've moved on, for him to admit it was all his fault and he treated you badly, and for him to realise how much of a mistake he made. But with people like that, they're so self-centred and aggressive that they can rarely admit their failings and see the error of their ways. I don't think you'll get the outcome you want - he'll probably twist the situation somehow so that it fits in line with his controlling view of things.

Lost weight? You're not eating because you miss him so much.
Going out more? You can't bear to be alone in the house without him.
Changed your hair and dressing better? You're trying to win him back.
Get my drift?

You say you're going into your late twenties angry at how much time you've wasted on this cretin. Yet by harbouring that anger and that sense of injustice, you are now dragging the situation on even further and it's still impacting your life.

Don't waste any more time on this individual by even being angry at him. Speak to a counsellor about dealing with your anger, and move on - the part of your life which had him in it is now over, and you should look ahead to a much brighter future for yourself, where you're free to meet someone who will treat you much better. I'm sure you don't want a future where you spend the next few years sitting at home esach night thinking of ways to get back at your ex, and to be honest, going into any new relationship with that dark cloud hanging over you wouldn't do you any favours either. Don't let him control your life any more, even if he's no longer in it. If you have to get things off your chest, write yourself a letter - you'd be surprised how putting things down on paper can feel like a load off your shoulders.

As someone above has put it, you'll move on to be a much happier person but he'll always be an asshole. He'll never be able to relax in any relationship or be truly happy because he has too many issues with jealousy and control.

BabysCoffee

Meeting him will not bring closure. A meeting like this will not go as you planned.

You need to box this off yourself. You can only control your own actions. You need to let go of the past.

I would also advise speaking with a counsellor.

Nothing good will come of meeting g this man again.

Emme

Well done OP on getting rid of this man and recovering so quickly. You're doing really well. I wouldn't recommend meeting him or having anything to do with his friends and family where possible. You have moved on. Get some counselling and continue to work on getting yourself back to what you were before you met him.

I don't know where you are in terms of fitness, but would you consider walking or running the women's mini-marathon this June? It would be something to work towards and a goal to keep you focused. I did this when I got out of an abusive relationship years ago. The abusive ex didn't like me taking exercise of any kind and covertly encouraged me to put on weight. After I left him I used to go walking every day for an hour or more - it felt great at the time to be able to get some exercise without having to explain myself to an abusive boyfriend. The walking turned into running and in a few months I finished the women's mini-marathon in under 60 minutes. It was a great feeling, particularly as I ran to raise money for Women's Aid. Women's Aid might be able to recommend a good counsellor for you because you have just come out of an abusive relationship.

If you run or walk the mini-marathon to raise money for Women's Aid it would send out a really powerful message to your ex and his family. In the process you will be making yourself stronger, fitter, better-looking and a great catch for a guy who will treat you properly. If you enjoy fitness you might consider joining a bootcamp training group - they are great fun.

Good luck :-)

LegacyUser

Guys thanks a million for all that advice, I feel very positive.

It's so true about meeting him trying to explain what it is he has done wrong over the years, it would not go my way. It never has so why would it now?! Any time I have ever been mad or upset over something he had done, when I would explain it to him, (almost lecturing him really) he would some how twist it all around so that I would feel sorry for him, and it would end with me trying to build up his confidence, telling he's not a bad person, he just needs to work on this, that or the other.

That incident I described above about him choking me for apparently lusting after Ryan Reynolds, when he got off me I went into another room and after about 15mins he came in grinning!I never got the chance to be properly mad about it, it was made out like it wasn't that big of a deal.

I suppose people like that will never change, particularly when their parents have been validating their behaviour all their lives.

Actually funnily enough I was in counseling for a year leading up to the break up, I originally went for help with binge eating, so I pretty much worked everything out without realising what I was doing. It's strange how it works, all of a sudden last July I just stopped going, then everything got worse, and that was the beginning of the end of the relationship, and now I'm starting to come alive again. (I really did look like a zombie, it was shocking!)

I was saying above that I didn't feel totally satisfied, but what is actually very satisfying for the moment is knowing that he will have the same arguments and problems in any new relationship he starts. I know a few of you said you had similar relationships, so it must be satisfying knowing that, right?!

Anyway thanks again for reading and for the advice.

- Yes the mini marathon bring it on, sure why not, something to work towards even if it's next year before I get to to it! Although my fitness love at the moment is Zumba!

Calhoun

Jerrica wrote: »

Change for you because you're worth it, because you deserve it, and because the best way to move on with a new life is to leave the old one and all the toxicity in it behind.

Best of luck

Totally this OP, if you do all of this to get back at him the results are not good as 1. he still has control over you as hes in your head and 2. he could turn this around on you and paint a picture that you are petty over the breakup as the behavior you have described above could be used against you.

Make a clean break, get away from all the negative and try rediscover you. I think you have learned the hard way the pit falls of toxic relationship, what you should/should not put up with when in a relationship.

ManOfMystery

You're making a lot of positive changes in your life now OP. Just make sure you continue to do so and that the changes are for YOU - not as a means of revenge at him. Because once you've had this revenge, what's to continue motivating you?

Anything you do now going forward should be about you, not him. That's what will drive you best.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear about all you went through. How anyone could behave as your ex did towards you is beyond words. He certainly is a pathetic excuse for a man.

I want to say to you don't worry about him, his family or his friends..about what they did or didn't do, what they think, how they view you, or what they say. People, especially family, sometimes behave in strange ways when someone close to them is abusive in a relationship. It's like they don't want to believe it so it's easier for them to deny it and somehow minimize it so they can calm their conscience about not confronting their family member. You don't need their validation and the chances are it will take some time, if ever, before they see things as they really are, see the truth. Your job is not to make them see it no matter how much you want them to know how much you were wronged. Your job is to continue to successfully rebuild your life.

Trying to convince him or them of anything is a bottomless pit that will sap your energy and emotion and ultimately it gives them power over you. If you need something from them, i.e. need them to see and acknowledge how he was abusive to you, than that gives them the power. They have the power to withhold that acknowledgement. So don't give them the power by seeking it from them. The truth always comes out in time. That's why I'm saying I don't believe your friend's advice to meet him is a good idea. You don't need anything from him; not his time, not his acknowledgement. Don't give him the power over you that needing to meet him for closure would mean. I like the expression that people here often use..."scrape him off"! (Like he's a piece of dirt that you just walked on and you're scraping him off the sole of your shoe... cause that's how insignificant he is to you now!)

I'm no expert here but I couldn't read your post and not reply. Congratulations on your success to date, for picking yourself up and making such progress! You should be proud of yourself and know that what you have achieved proves you have the capacity to live a successful happy life with endless possibilities.

I don't want to sound trite but I think these two points are gems of wisdom (I can't claim them as my own!);

Living well is the best revenge! :-)

They say that the 30's are the new 20's or something like that! Don't feel that you've wasted your 20's with this abuser.. look forward and be joyful that you have such a great future without him.

Best of luck to you, you deserve it!