Casual Relationship - Need some Advice

!Nicky!

Hey all,

So i'm over in Australia at the moment, and long story short was seeing this girl,going really well,madly in love,etc etc...she ended up going back home and I stayed on.As we didnt know when she was coming back or when we would see each other again we decided to split up. Since then,start of december, we've talked nearly every day and all is like it was before.She's now travelling through eastern Asia and will probably be back her in May or June and we've spoken about getting back together etc etc.

In the meantime since we are apart we said we're free to do what we want.

Now, ive been emailing this woman i met on craigslist(yes she's real) and things are going well.She's looking for a casual thing and a friend to hang out with sometimes/sex buddy.

What i'm thinking, is it a good idea to get into this and then have to fiish it in a couple of months if the girl i was seeing comes back.
To be honest the girl thats coming back wont have an issue with it and im not planning on getting into a relationship with this new girl but I'd hate to have to have a 'good thing' going with this new girl and then have to tell her it has to stop cos im going back to the other girl to pick things up where we left off.

Im worried that itll be harsh on her,emotionally, just for me to say 'Fun while it lasted but my first preference is back now so im gonna have to leave this off', id like to be honest about it and not be like,this isnt doing it for me.

Anyone got any advice?

Oh and by the way,this new girl is pretty much all you could ask for in a casual fling.:pac:

Thnks in advance

changeling

!Nicky! wrote: »

Hey all,

So i'm over in Australia at the moment, and long story short was seeing this girl,going really well,madly in love,etc etc...she ended up going back home and I stayed on.As we didnt know when she was coming back or when we would see each other again we decided to split up. Since then,start of december, we've talked nearly every day and all is like it was before.She's now travelling through eastern Asia and will probably be back her in May or June and we've spoken about getting back together etc etc.

In the meantime since we are apart we said we're free to do what we want.

Now, ive been emailing this woman i met on craigslist(yes she's real) and things are going well.She's looking for a casual thing and a friend to hang out with sometimes/sex buddy.

What i'm thinking, is it a good idea to get into this and then have to fiish it in a couple of months if the girl i was seeing comes back.
To be honest the girl thats coming back wont have an issue with it and im not planning on getting into a relationship with this new girl but I'd hate to have to have a 'good thing' going with this new girl and then have to tell her it has to stop cos im going back to the other girl to pick things up where we left off.

Im worried that itll be harsh on her,emotionally, just for me to say 'Fun while it lasted but my first preference is back now so im gonna have to leave this off', id like to be honest about it and not be like,this isnt doing it for me.

Anyone got any advice?

Oh and by the way,this new girl is pretty much all you could ask for in a casual fling.:pac:

Thnks in advance

Yeah go right ahead and use this girl from Craigs list to satisfy your own physical needs plus massaging your ego!!! Sure why not !! She doesn't mind being 'casual' so conscience clear for you while you 'use' her to fill in.

God forbid you just do without, and honour your feelings and respect for your 'genuine' love interest until she returns.:mad:

judgefudge

I think if you are straight with this new girl it could be ok. You obviously know your girlfriend girl is comin back in a few months. So when you meet the new girl lay it all out so she knows there's a time limit, then she can decide whether to go ahead with it or not.

Of course you need to be 100% certain the girlfriend girl won't be bothered with this. And keep things real casual with new girl.

For the record I don't think there is anything wrong with sex buddy situations provided everyone involved is honest and decent to each other.

P. Breathnach

!Nicky! wrote: »

...,madly in love ... since we are apart we said we're free to do what we want...

Is this the basis of an enduring relationship?

DeltaWhite

I'm real confused here, if you are so mad about this girl how can you possibly even think about sleeping with someone else? I know that's what you both agreed but if it were me, I wouldnt be able to jump into bed with some randomer.. I'd be too busy concentrating on getting through the time apart.. But that's just me!

I also think it's madness that you can casually shut off your feelings, what if you start feeling something for this new girl! What would you do then? Only you are in control of your life but I think you should be absolutley sure about what you're doing!

ibarelycare

If you're looking for sex until you get back with your girlfriend, maybe it would be better to just have a few one-night stands? The worry about a fuck buddy situation is that a lot of the times feelings get involved. It's all well and good being clear from the start, but it's a huge risk. She might fall for you. You might fall for her. You could break her heart. You could break your (current? future?!) girlfriend's heart. You never know how these things are going to end up.

Personally I would hate to know that someone I loved was having sex with other people because they couldn't wait a few months. You say the girl that's coming back won't have an issue with it, but I do hope you're being honest with her. If that's the case, then you're not doing anything wrong. But I do think you should steer clear of FWB's/flings.

stargazer 68

ibarelycare wrote: »

Personally I would hate to know that someone I loved was having sex with other people because they couldn't wait a few months. You say the girl that's coming back won't have an issue with it, but I do hope you're being honest with her. If that's the case, then you're not doing anything wrong. But I do think you should steer clear of FWB's/flings.

I have to agree with this OP. She is coming back in 3 or 4 months - surely you can go without for that length of time!! If she found out that you had a FWB you may never see her again - you certainly wouldn't see me for dust especially has you have decided to get back together!

judgefudge

The OP has said that he doesn't have a problem and his girlfriend has also agreed that they should be free to do what they want. So if he wants to hook up with a woman who is also just looking for something casual then I don't think it's fair to say he's doing anything wrong. Maybe it's not something you would want but as long as him and his girlfriend have agreed its ok then that's really not the issue...

His issue is upsetting the new girl by cutting her loose in a few months. All you can do about that OP is tell her the score and be honest throughout

!Nicky!

I should have been more thorough in my explanation to begin.
When my original GF left we said we would stay together but as she didn't know if it was gonna be 6 months or more till she was gonna be back and if she would stay when she came back we went about our own things.
She was also travelling Asia for some months which she is doing now and said that she just wanted to be able to go there without any commitments or worries as she may not make it back to AUS.

So now its definite she is coming back and we are both intending on picking things back up and seeing how they go.

It wasn't me who decided to split,and I think she should have fun while she's on this trip so I'm going to have fun here.
If it was up to me we would still be exclusive!! I've done the long distance away for months at a time thing twice before so the comments that say I should hiw some self control or along those lines.This wasn't my idea.

I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation.
As for what happens with this new girl,ill take it as it comes.Im not planning on getting serious but if things end up going that way then ill have to deal with that issue then.
But what I was asking was advice on the issue of possibly hurting a woman's feelings if I do decide to leave her for my 'Gf'.
Some of you say lay it all out on the table to begin with but I'm not just gonna insult someone like that saying I'm just using you as a temporary shag until my usual comes along.
Ill see how it goes and how things materialise with this woman and take em as they come.Just wanted some feedback.

Thanks for all the replies,good and badðŸ‘

ibarelycare

!Nicky! wrote: »

I should have been more thorough in my explanation to begin.
When my original GF left we said we would stay together but as she didn't know if it was gonna be 6 months or more till she was gonna be back and if she would stay when she came back we went about our own things.
She was also travelling Asia for some months which she is doing now and said that she just wanted to be able to go there without any commitments or worries as she may not make it back to AUS.

So now its definite she is coming back and we are both intending on picking things back up and seeing how they go.

It wasn't me who decided to split,and I think she should have fun while she's on this trip so I'm going to have fun here.
If it was up to me we would still be exclusive!! I've done the long distance away for months at a time thing twice before so the comments that say I should hiw some self control or along those lines.This wasn't my idea.

Have you come to an agreement on this? Because whatever the original agreement, the goalposts have changed. Now you are DEFINITELY going to be together when she gets back, originally neither of you knew what was going to happen. She didn't want to make any commitment because she didn't know if she would be coming back. Now she knows. You're saying it's ok for you to "have fun" while she's away, because you THINK that she should be doing the same. That's not ok, it's only ok if there is a solid agreement on both sides, not just you presuming that you're both free and single to do what you want. If you do have a solid agreement in place then fair enough.

!Nicky! wrote: »

As for what happens with this new girl,ill take it as it comes.Im not planning on getting serious but if things end up going that way then ill have to deal with that issue then.

Wow. This is the worst possible thing you could do. Why did you even ask for advice if you're not listening to any of it?

!Nicky! wrote: »

But what I was asking was advice on the issue of possibly hurting a woman's feelings if I do decide to leave her for my 'Gf'.
Some of you say lay it all out on the table to begin with but I'm not just gonna insult someone like that saying I'm just using you as a temporary shag until my usual comes along.

You're being completely dishonest with craigslist girl by not telling her from the start that this can only be a temporary arrangement. Possibly leading her on is WAY worse than telling her a hurtful truth.

Also referring to your girlfriend as your "usual" is pretty disrespectful and makes it sound like she's just a shag to you.

!Nicky! wrote: »

Ill see how it goes and how things materialise with this woman and take em as they come.Just wanted some feedback.

If this is what you want to do then it doesn't seem like you care that much about your girlfriend at all, and you don't care at ALL about craigslist girl. She might just be a potential FB, but she's still a person with feelings.

judgefudge

Ok your more recent post is more confusing. First you say she's definitely coming back and you will be getting back together. Then you say you're going to take it as it comes with the new girl and if it becomes more serious so be it.

I don't know what to make of it. I'd imagine you don't really know what you want either just going by what you're saying.

You don't want to be honest with the girl because its "insulting" to tell her that you don't want anything serious because you are essentially in an open relationship. But on the other hand you are willing to go ahead and see how things go with her without telling her about the other girl. Sorry but that is far more insulting and pretty much a cop out.

Kevcol

changeling wrote: »

Yeah go right ahead and use this girl from Craigs list to satisfy your own physical needs plus massaging your ego!!! Sure why not !! She doesn't mind being 'casual' so conscience clear for you while you 'use' her to fill in.

God forbid you just do without, and honour your feelings and respect for your 'genuine' love interest until she returns.:mad:

Oh get over yourself. The OP has asked for an opinion of what he should do in the current situation. If his ex knows the story and they both decide to enjoy themselves while they are away from each other for a couple of months then what's your problem. As long as his girlfriend knows then he is doing nothing wrong.

OP I would be careful getting into a casual relationship with someone as it could very easily lead to something more serious. As someone else said, maybe you'd be better off with some one night stands.

If you do decide to go ahead with this 'casual' relationship you would definitely need to be totally open with the person you are having the fling with. They need to know the story before they start getting feelings for you.

Taltos

Kevcol - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have not already done so please read our charter before posting again.
If you have an issue with a poster use the report function, never ever respond as you did above - this can in certain instances earn posters a ban.

changeling - similarly if you have no constructive civil advice to offer the OP then per our charter don't post.

This is a strictly moderated forum due to the sensitive nature of the issues folk look for advice on here so one final time - read our charter and if you really want to post in violation of it - don't.

Thanks
Taltos

!Nicky!

Spoke to her last night(original girl).Told her that if she didn't want me to do anything with anyone else then just say.Told her I had no problem doing that and told her that its been her and only her from the beginning that ive wanted to be with.

She told me she wouldn't have decided we should finish things for whatever reasons she had(possibly not coming back,wanting to travel to asia worry free etc) and then ask me not to do something should the oppurtunity arise.She said she cant have it both ways. I told her that she could if she wanted.

She said she wouldnt want to stop me and wont hold it against me if i do. I told her the same. Basically I want her to be happy.She keeps telling me,no matter what way I ask that shes not going to ask me to not do anything with anyone as she believes its unfair,i know her well and in my honest opinion i think that she is letting me do this as its something she wants to/already has done and that we'll be on an even playing field when we return.

As for craiglslist girl:

I'm not going to lead her on,im telling her it will be temporary and that it will be strictly casual but leave out certain details to save her feelings i.e i just want to have fun until i can replace you in a few months.

I'm going to try to keep myself emotionally unattached, and keep this strictly physical,when i see say what happens,i'm talking about myself and if things get too in depth ill drop it.

• As for referring my 'GF' as my usual,that was just how it typed at the time.I want to be with her. She means a lot to me and she tells me i mean a lot to her,contstantly telling each other we're in love still.

If she told me that she wanted me to be exclusive then i would be,no questions asked!

I am only doing this thing because if she's going to be having sex while she's away,i know it will bother me if i don't have any thinking in the way of 'well I waited and you didnt' ,this way my 'guilt' if you want to call it that will be equal. Level playing field upon return.

Dont know what else to say but hope this shows a bit more clearly what im thinking.

judgefudge

Can think of any way of putting this but your reasoning just seems a bit stupid... Sorry.

You want to sleep with this other chick because you are afraid your gf is sleeping around and you want to make things even? That's ridiculous. If you love your girlfriend and you don't have any better reason to want to sleep with someone else you probably shouldn't.

ibarelycare

Tit for tat...very healthy view of a relationship altogether. I know you weren't looking for advice on that situation but to me you seem very immature and I can't see you handling the FWB situation very well. If you found out your gf had slept with 10 guys would you go and sleep with 10 girls so you'd be starting off on a "level playing field"? What if she hasn't been with anyone? Will she be get a free pass then to hook up with someone when she comes back? Really really silly reasoning.

One shot on kill

Lad your ex is in Asia having the time of your life and not giving you as much thought as your giving her. Work away say noting to either of them things have a way of sorting them selves out.

You might realise she is the best thing since sliced bread or your better off without each other.

In my eyes her intentio s are clear she broke it of she moved away so do what your doing if she comes back and you feel the same great.

Out if interest who rings who every day.

One shot on kill

ibarelycare wrote: »

Tit for tat...very healthy view of a relationship altogether. I know you weren't looking for advice on that situation but to me you seem very immature and I can't see you handling the FWB situation very well. If you found out your gf had slept with 10 guys would you go and sleep with 10 girls so you'd be starting off on a "level playing field"? What if she hasn't been with anyone? Will she be get a free pass then to hook up with someone when she comes back? Really really silly reasoning.

Girls seriously she went of she broke up because she doesn't want any attachments of worrys. So she is riding around aswell to be fair.

But telling her she can have it both ways is thick and in my eyes sad. If ye don't feel the same for each other forget it. And to be honest she doesnt feel the same IMO.

P. Breathnach

Is this the same girlfriend that you posted about in two previous threads? If it is, it looks to me like a very difficult relationship that you are trying to maintain. I fear that you are fooling yourself.

Stavro Mueller

I'm not entirely sure why you're posting here. You've got it all worked out and have justifications for why you should do it coming out of your ears. If you feel you must, then go do it. Just be aware that things may not go to plan. I do wonder what your gf or Craigslist girl would think if either of them read this thread.

blatantrereg

I think the hostile/critical responses are somewhat misplaced here.

She does want to have her cake and eat it too tbh. She's on holiday - so she's not intending to form anything long-term with anyone she meets. She also wants to have the option to get back with you when she returns. That she said it's ok for you to meet other people is an aside pretty much.

I really think you need to respect yourself more. The situation she has put you in is quite emasculating. You offering to stay faithful while she is not demonstrates that very clearly. Would you countenance looking for the reverse? Would you nip off on holiday for several months telling her you wanted to be free to do what you liked when you were away? I bet you cringe at the idea of it. It's incredibly disrespectful. It's just as bad to accept that for yourself as it is to inflict it upon someone you're supposed to care about.

She has terminated your relationship. Realise and accept that and move on. Anything else will just make it much worse. Long distance relationships are a massive headwreck even when both partners are courteous and faithful. The situation you seem to want to accept would be so many times worse.

Be straightforward with the new girl in any case. Just don't tell her that you offered to stay faithful while your ex is not. You've no need to tell anyone that: All that would do achieve would be to make you sound like a wimp, and make people lose respect for you... At the same time don't think of yourself as a wimp for it. Just realise that you are feeling pretty disempowered and not thinking right. This is largely to do with your relationship with your ex - but the fact you got into this situation means you'd be well advised to look at yourself to avoid following similar patterns in future. I strongly suggest you learn to decide what is acceptable and what is not - and hold true to those ideas, both in what you do and what you accept from others. Both are equally important.

!Nicky!

@one shot on kill - its 50/50...and im not just saying that,sometimes more me,sometimes more her.Also Thanks for the positive comment

All im gonna say is,i'm having fun now,so is she and the plan is to pick up where we left off whenever she comes back.

As for the new girl,she's totally down for sex just being sex and thats that. She's got major life commitments that i would never commit to and she knows this.

All in all,everyones having fun and what happens happens.

One shot on kill

!Nicky! wrote: »

@one shot on kill - its 50/50...and im not just saying that,sometimes more me,sometimes more her.Also Thanks for the positive comment

All im gonna say is,i'm having fun now,so is she and the plan is to pick up where we left off whenever she comes back.

As for the new girl,she's totally down for sex just being sex and thats that. She's got major life commitments that i would never commit to and she knows this.

All in all,everyones having fun and what happens happens.

Exactly.

Have fun don't be a fool. What ever happens happens cross that bridge then.

fog arty

The girl from Craigs list just wants casual fun and so do you so what harm go for it and enjoy.

Taltos

OP - as your initial question has been answered I am closing this thread.

Taltos