I just don't like my sister

LegacyUser

My sister is 19 so she's 6 years younger than me. We've an older brother who lives abroad. She's always been spoiled for as long as I can remember but I always thought she'd grow out of it. She still lives at home, which I know is normal for a girl her age, but she never EVER helps our parents around the house. They tend to dote on her and she totally takes advantage. She doesn't work, just goes out every Friday night and spends the next two days in bed hungover. She gets money from our parents even though they have very little and she never feels bad if they go without something. Last year mam and dad were going to go on a holiday which they'd been saving for ages. Then she got into financial difficulties and couldn't pay back a loan so they bailed her out AGAIN, and they couldn't go anywhere. The worst thing is not how she acts but that she doesn't feel bad about it. If I try to say anything to her she goes mad and starts a massive fight. I asked her if she feels guilty about not even so much as putting her dishes into the dishwasher and she said "why would I do it when mam will do it for me". I HATE her attitude and even though we would otherwise get on well I find myself disliking her more and more because of how she treats mam and dad. They're at an age now when they should be taking care of themselves and relaxing and instead they're like her servants. They bought her a small car a couple of years back and she crashed it, now she's demanding they "lend" her money for another car because they live in the countryside...Dad gives her lifts everywhere because she's too precious to take a bus and if he complains at all she says to buy her a car and then she could get around herself. What can I do? I think I hate my own sister...Of course I try to tell my parents not to give in to her so easily and they go "anything for the easy life", as in its easier just to give her what she wants than deal with her in a mood for weeks.

Merkin

No offense but it's actually your parents who need to cop themselves on.

Your sister sounds like a taker but if she is constantly being facilitated then how can she possibly learn to stand on her own two feet? It's actually your parents who I'd apportion the blame to here. They need to stop giving her money, stop running around after her like a pair of serfs and tell the little madam to get up off her arse and either go to college or get a job.

judgefudge

Merkin wrote: »

No offense but it's actually your parents who need to cop themselves on.

Your sister sounds like a taker but if she is constantly being facilitated then how can she possibly learn to stand on her own two feet? It's actually your parents who I'd apportion the blame to here. They need to stop giving her money, stop running around after her like a pair of serfs and tell the little madam to get up off her arse and either go to college or get a job.

Absolutely agree. Your parents are the big problem here. It looks like she has no common sense when it comes to money anyway and always relies on your folks to bail her out. She's only doing that because your parents allow it. Granted, her attitude is horrible too.

It's a hard situation because its not really your place to get angry I suppose. Then again I can understand you hate seeing your parents being taken advantage of. The fact is though, your parents are adults and they can say no to her, they choose not to. For what it's worth I've watched my parents let my sibling away with a lot, and it has caused my dad in particular a lot of stress. I found that hard to deal with at first but came to the understanding that it's their problem. They could choose to throw my bro out or they can choose to put up with the stress because they love him, and they chose option 2. As for my relationship with my brother, I wouldn't say that I have much respect for the way that he acts. So I just try to avoid the subject.

Boombastic

Agree with the above posters, it's your parents who have to tackle this situation, Remember you can choose your friends but not your family

ManOfMystery

Your parents are the ones facilitating her. In some way, by spoiling her they have actually contributed to her being the way she is, though it also sounds like there's a bit of a diva mentality with her anyway. She's only at the end of her teens, so I'd say they've not yet really accepted that she's no longer a child who has to be looked after and treated, and that she has to be able to stand on her own two feet without seeing them as walking ATMs.

If I was you, I would have a chat with them. Don't word things so that it sounds like you're a jealous sibling. Point out that their constant facilitating of her is doing her no favours longterm - it's teaching her nothing about personal responsibility, money management or the value of work. Hopefully by appealing to their parental instincts they'll catch themselves on. She's almost 20, so if they don't start teaching her these values now she'll never learn them.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. The thing is, I have tried to talk to them, they said her behaviour does annoy them but they just "will do anything for the easy life". In other words, trying to get her to do anything causes massive rows. I agree its them that has made her this way, she's always got everything she wanted since she was small and it just went on from there. I try to separate myself from it but whenever I have to go home it'll end up in an argument. For example at christmas I'm with mam helping in the kitchen and she'll just be there with her feet up refusing to do anything, so I'll ask (nicely), would she mind setting the table or doing a bit of cleaning or whatever, and she'll just bite my head off saying "why are you such an old busybody why can't you just **ck off and mind your business...I don't tell YOU to do anything so why do you try to order me around". Then it causes a row at Christmas and I end up wishing I'd said nothing. When she's with her boyfriend she's so nice too! Totally pretends to be all domesticated, she'd never act around him like she does when she's at home!!

will.i.am

She's your parents baby to be honest and they probably want to hang onto her for as long as possible because they don't want to be alone. This happens in a lot of families in my experiences to be honest.
At the end of the day if your parents are happy and your sister are happy at home together then what's the harm? Your not living there.

Forever Hopeful

OP,
I had a very similar situation with my sister. She is 5 years younger than me and spoiled rotten. I would come home weekends and she wouldn't talk to me. I was lucky in that my Dad saw she was being a right little madam. My mum thought she could walk on water. It was like if she misbehaved, I got the slap if you know what I mean.
Your parents created the monster and unless they wise up to it, then nothing will change. I almost ended up hating my mum because she had me practically organise my sister's wedding as it was my responsibility as moh. When I bring it up now, it's like it never happened
As for the BF thing? Don't worry, the true colours do show themselves.
Sorry OP, I have no real advice only that I empathise. I know it's hard when you are being treated differently and boy it sucks. You care about your parents and want to see them happy. Just keep being the best daughter and that's the best gift you can give your parents and they know it too.
They know she's a brat BELIEVE me. x

ahnow

How does this directly affect you?
Sounds like you might be a little bit jealous, it's your parents problem, not yours. They might've gotten into some bad habits with her, but it sounds like she's the youngest in the family, so they're spoiling her as much as possible until she leaves, and she's the last of their children to do so.
If it's not directly affecting you, stop wasting your energy thinking about it! There's far worse going on in the world than this!

Forever Hopeful

ahnow wrote: »

How does this directly affect you?
Sounds like you might be a little bit jealous, it's your parents problem, not yours. They might've gotten into some bad habits with her, but it sounds like she's the youngest in the family, so they're spoiling her as much as possible until she leaves, and she's the last of their children to do so.
If it's not directly affecting you, stop wasting your energy thinking about it! There's far worse going on in the world than this!

Ah here, this one is just plain rude and completely taking advantage of a situation, direspecting her older sister on top of that!
This girl is the OPs sister if course it affects her as she had to put up with her brazenness when she's home.

thefeatheredcat

Your parents are enablers and the "anything for a quiet life" excuse, is just that, an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if that if they were honest that they don't like the alternative of her emigrating (probably because they'd never hear from her or would worry excessively about her maybe getting into trouble or if she's a bit naive might fall in with the wrong crowd or whatever) or feel guilty about a situation such as being out of a job / not working (which they have no control over and can't do anything about) and can't handle the "baby of the family" being a grown up and are dealing with that by enabling her to behave that way and take advantage of them and enable her dependency on them financially.

The stuff about driving her everywhere too is about controlling her and having a control over her life and she is incapable of being in control of her own life, especially if she herself is not motivated to do something more with her life or take control of where her life is going.

as horrible as it is to be witnessing it all, that's all you can do.
And that's what it is for your parents, they are making the choice to enable your sister, regardless of how damaging this is for her in the long run (because she will never be able to stand on her own two feet and will expect everyone else around to pick up the tab for a car, will milk her friends and everyone else for money and burn so many bridges and be a nightmare to live with in a houseshare) that they have to, at some point, decide enough is enough. The easier way to achieve this is if they want to enable her, let them and let them deal with the fall out and not get caught in the middle or be the soundboard of their complaining if they are unprepared to draw a line with your sister.

From personal experience there's nothing you can really do, if you've tried talking to your parents about your sister and they don't want to listen and prefer making the choice of enabling her, well they just have to continue suffering the consequences of their choices until they are no longer willing or able to take it. Where they draw the line of her behaviour is up to them and probably any advice or suggestion will fall on deaf ears by their choosing. They do recognise it's unhealthy and quite wrong to enable her so much, but for themselves it will continue as long as they let it. They can't do it indefinitely, they are not going to be there for your sister holding open the wallet or buying a new car for her when she's in her 30s/40s/50s/60s and they're long gone, and - and this I really want to drill home to you - don't feel that you should ever enable your sister like your parents have done. The same thing will happen to you as has already your parents that it will get harder to say No to without there being some sort of row that could end up being a long term fall out.

If you want to ensure you don't end up at some point enabling your sister if your parents cut her off, if she asks you for money, say No from the get go and be consistent. That way she knows there's a line drawn and a boundary and that you've given a clear signal you're unwilling to enable her. And she will just move onto someone else. And that's the problem, once it comes the time your parents say No she will just move onto someone else.

On the behaviour/general attitude side with your sister towards you when you pull her up on stuff, I think you'd be better off leaving that to your parents about they way she treats them and acts at home; I know you're wanting to being protective of your parents but the reason for conflict is probably because your parents don't actually give out to her for being lazy or anything generally and probably resents you as she would see it, "swaning in and telling her what to do" assuming you don't live there of course.

I think you'd be better off taking a different approach with your sister, she's 19 not working so I assume on the dole, living at home, no car, have ye had a bit of a chat about things from her side, life plans or anything she wants to do like college or a course or travelling or something, even just to see if there's something she's interested in but might need a push on (or support) or if she has given up or doesn't know what she wants to do? Maybe it might help you like her better or help you see her from another point of view rather than the demanding and spoilt kid that you clash a lot with and is a subject of tension with your parents? Maybe she needs a bit of another example of what is life beyond her own immediate environment and experience where she's shown other stuff?

daisybelle2008

unregistered wrote: »

"why are you such an old busybody why can't you just **ck off and mind your business...I don't tell YOU to do anything so why do you try to order me around". Then it causes a row at Christmas and I end up wishing I'd said nothing.

OP hard for you to see, but she does have a point. It is none of your business how your parents choose to raise your sister. Seriously how would you have liked someone interfering in how you were raised?
Why are you causing rows by forcing your opinion on the situation.

They clearly want to run around after her, this is their choice, they are adults, respect their choice. Sometimes it is important to parents to feel they have a role doing things for their kids. They enjoy fussing and running around after them, it makes them feel important to the other party in the relationship. Now that might not be how you or I would like things done, some of us prefer a more hands off approach. But that is only our opinion.

At the end of the day you are going to damage your relationship with your family rowing with them and basically telling them they are doing things 'all wrong' in your superior opinion. I guarantee your parents want you to butt out and leave them have their 'quiet life'. Right now you are the only impediment to that not your sister. Stop nagging everybody to act how you see fit and appreciate that everyone has the role they want.