Quietness holding me back

LegacyUser

I have always know that my shyness and quietness is not a good thing. I find it hard to make new friends, get jobs and settle into jobs etc because I am shy and quiet until I get to know people. I have been trying to overcome it all my adult life but with little success.

I overheard a conversation recently where one woman stated the her friend would get nowhere in life by being quite as if it is the woman's choice and fault she is like this. Do other people agree with this? How can I overcome my shyness and quietness. I'm 32!

Orlaithface

Keep tryin OP, as difficult as that sounds. I have been in your shoes but the more you try the easier it gets. My advice is to smile, speak to people at work or wherever, anything from just saying hello, or to asking how their day is. If you come across as happy, friendly and comfortable, you will attract conversation.

Keep trying, thats all I can say.

Good luck!

judgefudge

Hey OP,

I've gotten it plenty in my life too. I was always told as a kid I was shy and now it's more that I'm "quiet and reserved". To be honest, I couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks. It has never affected my ability to progress in my career and I've always been able to make friends. Having said that though, it does take longer and I generally don't get that close to people.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet if you can still hold down a conversation and if you can still be assertive enough to get what you want from life. If you are unhappy with your quietness then work on putting yourself out there a bit.

However if you are just wondering if there is something wrong with being quiet then don't let it get to you. The world needs all kind of people and some of the nicest and funniest people I know are quiet.

A good book on the subject is "quiet" by Susan Cain. She also has a great talk about it on TED that you should check out. Just google it!

Catari Jaguar

Better to be quiet, listening and observing imo. I can listen to a conversation going on in the staff room happily and remain quite detached but enjoy it and laugh and learn. I have loads of opinions but don't feel the need to share them with everyone or persuade people to my way of thinking, as they are personal and it makes no difference to me if others don't share them.

In the workplace, quiet staff members are being valued a lot more. They usually have more reasoned, well thought ideas than a colleague who just blurts stuff out for the sake of hearing their own voice. Just because it's the loud ones dominating meetings doesn't mean they have anything of value to say. Similarly if you are selective in socialising, as I am, it shows that you are actually interested in the people that you approach and that you feel they are worth getting to know.

I find some of the social butterflies with loads of casual acquaintances just chat to anyone and everyone for attention/ gossip and may only have surface level friendships. It might work for the getting ahead but is so disingenuos. I have no respect for that.

Probably being a bit harsh here, but am tired of the bad rep reserved people have. Stay quiet if that's what's comfortable for you, but show confidence. Best of luck!

the quiet woman

the quiet woman wrote: »

I have always know that my shyness and quietness is not a good thing.

Shyness and quietness is not a bad thing. It can sometimes be inconvenient, but being loud can be far more damaging. I used to be painfully shy, for a long time I couldn't even try to hide it because I'd blush the second anyone looked at me. People would think I was stuck up sometimes, because I wasn't saying much, but now that I'm much more confident and loud people can often think I'm just a plain old annoying pain in the ass. So there's always the option to be content as a quiet person.

I overheard a conversation recently where one woman stated the her friend would get nowhere in life by being quite as if it is the woman's choice and fault she is like this. Do other people agree with this?

I do sort of think it's a choice. I don't think it's something that can be switched on and off by choice, but I do think it's something you can attempt to change if you put in effort and give it a whole lot of time.

I'm 22 now so my shyness when I was a teenager my have been less to do with my personality and more to do with awkwardness and hormones, so I don't know about you, but I was quiet for two reasons: fear and disinterest. With regards to disinterest I never really felt like I was part of group conversations, never felt the urge to initiate conversations, never felt like I had anything to say, and just sort of didn't feel connected enough to what was going on in order to say anything about it. As for the fear, it was the fear of saying something stupid, saying something and not being heard, the fear of blushing or shaking, the fear of having people look at me and judge me. Over time I just made more and more of an effort to speak, even if it was to say something stupid. If I blushed, I blushed, and just wished for it to pass. I'd see characters on tv being loud and opinionated and I'd wish I could just speak out like them, so I'd try to. I kept trying over and over again and these days, not only do I love public speaking, but I've no blushing problem at all and I'm never scared to voice my opinion.

LegacyUser

But it is holding me back in my career AND in my personal life. It is a major problem. I find it hard to get jobs AND get a relationship off the ground. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, childless and in a dead end job. If I don't over come it shortly this is the miserable life ahead of me.

This is not about my worrying about what people think. This is about me wanting a happy, normal life.

karaokeman

Ignore any conversations you overhear where one person is frowned upon for being quiet, I've been with the condescending type before and they are not worth your time. Good friends will like you for who you are, and won't want to change you.

You've said your quiet until you get to know people, I would suggest being with the people you know well, show them your comfortable being yourself and don't try and change anything. Eventually you will meet a partner who likes you for being yourself, just don't try and show other people you are happy and content in yourself.

How exactly is this affecting your work life? If so, would you say your current profession is right for you? Plenty of jobs out there that don't require you to be loud and talkative all the time.

Kevster

Yikes! - quiet people don't get far in life? I take a huge exception to that.

I have never been part of a core group of friends and have always been labelled 'the quiet one'. I never went to my grad ball/debs, and I only went to one disco/nightclub throughout school. During breaks, I stood on my own pretending that I was waiting for someone.

Granted, my first attempt at university ended in a disaster, but I then got angry and wanted to show others what I could do: I completed 2 degrees after that, a PhD in the UK, and am now off to New York to work.

You can listen to what others say, but then make sure that you prove them wrong. My entire life now is devoted to proving what the underdog is capable of.

Kevin

judgefudge

I think there is a difference between being quiet and what you are describing OP. I'm a quiet person but I get by ok because I am still pretty confident. It sounds like you are lacking in confidence? Are you self conscious? Do you not speak up for yourself because you are afraid of what others will think?

That's not "quiet" that sounds like a self esteem issue. As for what you can do... Put yourself out there more. Talk to people even if it makes you uncomfortable. Make small talk, get your voice heard. It won't be easy at first but only you can do it. There's not magic alternative answer.

LegacyUser

karaokeman wrote: »

How exactly is this affecting your work life? If so, would you say your current profession is right for you? Plenty of jobs out there that don't require you to be loud and talkative all the time.

I think I don't come across as well in interviews as more chatty people. I want to move on from my current job and am finding it very hard to get a better job. My profession doesn't require me to socialise with clients, go to networking events etc. It is more a case of a problem for me getting job and getting to know colleagues rather than preventing me from carrying out my job.

It definitely has prevented me form getting into relationships in the past and this is another major worry for me. More and more friends and family are getting married and my social life is becoming more limited and lessening my chance of meeting someone even more.

LegacyUser

I don't believe I have self esteem issue. I am fairly confident normally but with people I don't know well or in groups I am very quite.

judgefudge

the quiet woman wrote: »

I don't believe I have self esteem issue. I am fairly confident normally but with people I don't know well or in groups I am very quite.

Well why are you quiet around people you don't know?

Kevster

One thing that gets me is the 'unpredictability' involved in new things, or, things/people that I don't know. So, meeting a new person involves a level of unpredictability, just as travelling to a new city by bus/train does.

What's new can be scary, but therefore planning ahead can lessen the anxiety.

LegacyUser

judgefudge wrote: »

Well why are you quiet around people you don't know?

I don't know. I have always been like this. I don't get self conscious or anything but I can't seem to change this.

It's all well for poster to say 'ah, it doesn't matter' but it does when it is effecting my personal and professional life.

Kevster

Let's face it: new situations can really affect some of us. Put it a better way: situations where there is a certain level of unpredictability can make us feel nervous and 'clam up'. Meeting new prople is such a situation, as is doing something for the first time (getting a new bus route, going to a new doctor, et cetera).

It goes without saying, then, that planning ahead and permitting yourself to think about what might happen can help...

StaceyTaylor

Hey OP!

Would you consider maybe joining a club or group? Maybe going to a group or social thing every week would help you in getting used to being in groups and in-turn help you get chatting or what not?

I don't know whether it's something you would do or not, but it's just a thought