Will i ever get over this

LegacyUser

This has being going on for the last 9 years and i dont know will i ever be able to get over it. Im just a normal girl just an average irish girl and i hate saying this but i was in the popular group at school but then at 16 my 2 best friends decided they didnt want to be my friend anymore i later found out other girls in our year was telling them i was talking about them which i never did. They slowly pushed me out stopped calling me not asking me to go places the usual to the point where i just gave up trying and to this day i regret this so much. so i was left on my own we went to a pretty small school there was about 5/6 other group of girls but because of the rumors no one wanted to be my friend! i had a boyfriend thankfully i wasnt on my own so instead of breaking down i thought ill act like i dont care and i hung around with my bf and the guys and one friend i had from outside school looking back this was probably a bad idea.

so fast forward 2 years i never spoke to them, never txt, this was before bebo, facebook so i did not have to see what was going on in their lives. all the time in school all the girls for thoses 2 years were talkig about their fun times at the weekend but i held my head up never ran to the bathroom crying nothing and back then i dont think i really realised how important it is to have friends. then one nite before i started college i met one of the girls out she was drunk started crying saying she was so sorry for what they did to me how bad she feels, i cried told her how i felt but then she goes we never talked to you because you looked so happy!if they only knew, we said we would try again but it didnt work we had a 2 or 3 more of these drunk crying meeting over the last few years.

I went to college made a few friends but i cant trust people and when we finished everyone went back to their hometowns to their friends i had no one to go back to. thankfully my boyfriend has stuck with me all through this i dont know what i would have done without him

Now this is affecting me so much lately. i feel like such a failure im embrassed. it feels like i have missed the best times of my life im 24 but im wishing i could turn back to be 15 the last time i was really happy. they have taken so much for me. they probably dont even think about me anymore. I missed all the things normal girls do, every parties, talking about dating, going on shopping trips, girls nights out, holidays, gossip. I feel like freak that everyone is saying o there is the girl with no friends. it makes me so sad and angry and everyone is at that age here where they have their groups and dont need a new girl in their group.
I dont just feel like i lost all the important stuff like having a 21st but i feel they have taken my future how will i have a hen party, who will be my bridesmaids, when im having a baby who i will talk to about it just everyday life stuff. I will never understand why this has happened me and it hurts me more today than ever. Im here crying thinking of everything i lost

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long story

tomtomhardy

Hi jessicaella, after reading your post I really feel for you because I am in this exact same situation. during secondary school I wouldn't say I was one of the cool kids but my friends all cast me a side and I was left alone to this day I really don't know why. It is a good thing your bf has stuck by you, he obviously loves you very much my girlfriend of a long time recently broke up with me and it was the hardest time of my life but I'm starting to see the light at the end of tunnel. The only advice I can give you is that you are never too old to make new and good friends for life, try thinking less about how people might not want a new girl in there group and more about how much you have to offer as a friend.

DeltaWhite

Op I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Things change, people change. I dont know many people that are still friends with their school mates these days, and the ones that I do know are still friends are the most 2 faced people I've ever met.

To be honest with you OP I am in sort of the same position, my best friend (who was basically the sister I never had) died in tragic circumstances almost 6 years ago. I am a lost soul since that day and I havent found close friends since. I do have girls I pal around with but I would actually consider them "associates" more than anything. Part of that probably is my fault because I put up barriers around me and didnt want to find anyone new to take the place of my best mate. Kills me still to this day, but you have to suck it up and get on with it OP. You will meet friends, you will win some and lose some. This is life so all you can do is make friends when you can and try not to stress over it too much. Dont be looking in to the future too much because absolutely nobody knows what it will bring! Chin up

Diziet

Think of it another way - these secondary school 'friends' cut you off and then did not include you again because you did not look unhappy. The way it seems from the outside is that they are a bunch of manipulative bullies that wanted to make you sad. When it did not work out for them they did not bother further. Of course they feel bad, they behaved despicably.

I just feel that had you shown you were unhappy, they would repeat the same pattern of bullying and exclusion. You don't need friends who manipulate you. And to be honest, not many people keep all their friends from secondary - people move on, go to college, create a new circle of friends. I would advise you to stop the regrets as you did nothing wrong other than refuse to be manipulated. Put your smile back on and you will make new friends. Proper ones whose idea of friendship is to make you happy, not sad.

wandatowell

Thankfully ive never been in a situation like yours but you are only 24. You have got so much time to make new friends and learn to trust them.

I found as I have gotten older my social circle has expanded and im forging new friendships. I understand its a trust issue for you but nobody is going to seek you out, you have to be proactive in trusting.
Alot easier said than done im afraid

dearg lady

Have you not made any other friends since then? If not, make the effort to!! I was bullied a lot in school, and missed out on some things too. But they can't take your future happiness, that's all down to you. Are there peopel you could hang out with from college, work, hobbies?

Merkin

I don't want to be harsh but I think you're living in the past and allowing this to have a disproportionate impact on your future.

These girls were absolute bitches to you but the longer you permit them to dictate your life and future opportunities then the more you're missing out on. You really need to move on from this and forge your own path - this happened when you were fifteen and you are now twenty-four. Not everyone is a bad person. You say you had lots of friends once and you're obviously a nice and "likeable" person.

Don't go out with the mission of "collecting" friends (something which Facebook undoubtedly feeds :rolleyes:) but work on building a new social circle and making real and true friends. You can do this through work, through some existing friends and introductions, through joinging groups and societies. I hear people talk of the Group called http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/ and you could also try and go to a next Boards Beers.

You actually have to put yourself out there to make friends. Living in the past and allowing two adolescent wenches dictate your future happiness is mad. Put this behind you once and for all and work on making good memories, nobody else is going to do it for you.

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP.

first of all, I'm so sorry for how you feel. The good news is, I really believe it is something you can overcome and you will. I know you feel you have lost out on a huge part of your life. But you are only 24. Even the happiest of teenagers have their own issues, insecurities and bad days. So dont believe for a moment that their lives were perfect and not without drama.

You cant spend your life looking back on those years or those people. The fact that one of them has admitted their guilt tells you, that they at least acknowledge their part in the fallout. It is never too late to make friends either and it might just be a good challenge for you as well. I know how easy it is to get comfortable in a relationship and not work on your friendships, so this something you can work on now. The old cliche of joining clubs, and societies rings true. Or contact old college friends and maybe try and arrange a group night out.

You will get over this!! But you have to start telling yourself this. And its no different to a break-up, or loss of someone. Grief is grief. Be kind to yourself, trust me, its is a lesson we all need to learn, myself included. Best of luck to you!

LegacyUser

Hi op here again i just wanted to say thanks for all your honest words. its weird how much better i feel after putting all my thoughts down on this post, it like a weight has been lifted. it is time to move on and it is like grief but living in the past is not going to do me any good. I had a good cry last night and i feel so much better for it.

I need to move on with my life and get over these bullies and that is what they were horrible bullies and until today i never thought of them as that but they ruined everything and i can either let them contiune to ruin my life or stop it and i AM going to stop it.

Thanks mekin for that link its amazing i never even knew there was anything like that in ireland, i am defintly going to go to some of these meet ups and meet new friends and have a good time.

I never thought asking people i dont know their view would do me so much good but it has and thanks so much

Merkin

You're more than welcome. I've heard great things about the Group. Attend one of their events and go with a positive attitude.

I heard a great saying a couple of days ago:

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot

Those couple of harridans were idiots years ago. Let them off and get on with enjoying things!

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Boombastic

Break free from these bullies, forget them and move forward with your life. As long as you let the make you feel this way, they are 'winning'. Don't feel as if you are the only one, many people people have found themselves in a similar situation at some point in their lives but it's up to you to take control of your life and your feelings. Best of luck

IrishEyes19

OP, glad to hear you are doing well!! My advice would be also dont bother even talking to these girls on nights out should you see them. I know one or two has apologised in drunken chats. But its only making you feel worse, because they never act on it. I think you are very brave and a good cry sometimes clears the head too, so its good you've let your emotions out. They can bottle up sometimes and even when you dont realise they are there, they are.

Definately attend the groups. I think its a great idea, we've all been in a position Im sure where life circumstances change and are in need of friends or some light hearted fun to keep sane and happy. And you know what, myself included, the more I stayed in and thought about it, the more I tortured myself into believing all the negative stuff the people who hurt me said or did to me, to the extent that it was me in the end making myself miserable, because those people or person had moved on and wasnt thinking about me at all.

Its brave to just even write here, because you know yourself that you want change in your life and to feel different. Im so sorry that you have felt bad all these years. But take it as fact that its over now, OP. You can take solace in many things. First that you are not a bully, those girls and people like them will have to face up to the fact someday that they hurt other people, and frankly that is not something I would like to have to deal with. Second. You are a young woman with great potential to make new friends and be happy. Believe that. Its fact. I really wish you the best. you will be ok, more than that. you will be happy.