Advice on dealing with my horrible parents

LegacyUser

Hi,

Doe anyone have advice about this

I'm 22 and have been unlucky with my parents. My dad has anger issues, if you saw one of his fits of temper you would probably say he is insane. When I was in my last year of college trying to write a thesis I was living with him. He spent his time shouting at me. I spent the last months of college crying, sleeping and trying to write a thesis.

My mother is possibly worse. My parents split when I was a child and she moved in with her new partner, an alcoholic. This man had it in for me. When I was in primary school he would whisper in my ear that i had no friends. By the time I was 17 he would scream that I was a worthless piece of **** and a waste of space IN FRONT OF my mam. Yes that's right. My mam is a real gem.

After my last year of college I moved in with my mams friend for a while (to get away from my dad). This made my mam feel guilty and basically she started being very nice to me. I let myself get attached to her again. So when I started a masters she helped me get a loan for college (so I wouldn't have to be under a compliment to my dad) and I started living with her at the weekends again.

Last week I had an assignment but no actual classes so I decided to stay in mams. She made me feel very unwelcome. When I asked to stay an extra night she just said no. She just doesn't like having me around.

At this stage you probably think I must be very difficult to live with. Well you don't have to believe me but I'm not.

Now I am so fed up of the constant knocks I'm receiving. All I want is for one of my parents to be half decent until I am finished college. Then I can pay them back and I wont depend on them for a roof over my head.

But they can't manage that. If my parents treat me this badly how can I trust anyone? I'm always saying "things are going to get better, keep working hard at college and you will get away from them". But what is the point, because one thing my parents have taught me is that people will always let your down.

I was and unloved and unwanted child, I'm just a punchbag, I just receive abuse and I can't handle it anymore.

ladygirl

Firstly I want to congratulate you on your academic achievements to date. To be completing a masters without any sort of a role model or support is remarkable in my eyes. Your could have been broken by these people many years ago OP but the fact you took all this time to constantly better yourself shows remarkable strength of character.

My advice to you now is not to let them knock you at the last fence!! Finish your masters and you are in an amazing position with regards helping yourself secure work. Also - you speak of repaying your family for putting a roof over your head, Dont bother!!! It was the very least they could have done and they have taken far more from you over the years. The second you start to earn money use it to get out of that house and begin a new life for yourself.

People will not always let you down OP. Your parents are toxic selfish individuals.

Best of luck
xxx

MrTsSnickers

Having done a masters I know how much hard work it is but is there any way you could get a part time job and get a place of your own? Maybe even grinds to undergrads in your area, that could give you the money to get a deposit etc. All the best with it, fair play to you!

changeling

Hi OP,

You are to be congratulated for all your achievements so far, despite those three toxic individuals, two of whom cannot be described as parents in the broadest sense of the word. They have tried to put you down but your strong spirit has won out.

I guarantee you are loved by this Universe, you are here at this time because your source wants you here, you must find deep inside you (meditation) your source that has to date given you the strength to overcome this huge disadvantage of having these two monsters put in your path.
You are learning now very quickly that your source of happiness will never come from outside yourself but will only ever come from within. Build on this knowledge and you will have this skill for life, something that most people go through life never finding out.

When you are in a position to move out and be financially independent, which will be very soon I think, run for the hills, away from your toxic family and never look back.
You don't owe them a thing.:)

All the best OP

Terrontress

At least you are secure enough to recognise what is going on all around you and all your achievements will be down to you, not anyone else.

I wouldn't tell you to remove people from your life once you are able. There is no need to think of paying them back. Once you are on your own two feet, you can control the relationship. See as much or as little of anyone you like because you have proven you can get through things on your own.

changeling

Terrontress wrote: »

At least you are secure enough to recognise what is going on all around you and all your achievements will be down to you, not anyone else.

I wouldn't tell you to remove people from your life once you are able. There is no need to think of paying them back. Once you are on your own two feet, you can control the relationship. See as much or as little of anyone you like because you have proven you can get through things on your own.

Thinking you can 'control' a relationship will only lead to further hurt and disappointment - you cannot control what other people do, neither can you change them, you can only change yourself:)

Terrontress

changeling wrote: »

Thinking you can 'control' a relationship will only lead to further hurt and disappointment - you cannot control what other people do, neither can you change them, you can only change yourself:)

But you can choose your own level of involvement if you are not financially dependent any more.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for taking the time to write such kind responses. Changeling I know what you mean about finding happiness within and hopefully when I am finished this course and have my independence I can achieve this sort of inner happiness.

I'm ok financially at the moment because I have a loan to tide me over until I finish my course. I come home at the weekends mostly to see my boyfriend but I can't keep staying where I'm not welcome.

I think my problem is that I always want to believe that deep down my parents love me. But they continuously let me down over and over. Its like they're teasing me, when I push them away they'e "so sorry", but when I forgive them they hurt me all over again.

So I don't think I can have them in my life at all because the cycle will just repeat over and over. I have a brother and my boyfriend so I'm not alone.

My mam told me that when she was younger her own dad would say "this will always be your home no matter what and you are alway welcome here". My grandparents sounded like lovely people I don't know what happend to my mam.

But she made sure that I have no soft place to fall. So I'll just have to make my own home and create my own happiness.