Husband broke down last night and I dont know what to do

LegacyUser

Hey

Your help on this would be great. Yesterday we went to our local supermarket to get a birthday cake four 4 year old son who birthday was yesterday and we have organised to go to grandparents to share cake.
My husband then saw the atm and checked the balance he got paid and we had gone into overdraft by 400e due to buying two wedding presents and doing our meat shop last week instead of this week for organising time reasons.
The going into overdraft usually wouldnt cause any issue butyesterday the kids wringed when he was at the atm he got annoyed at them told me they always kick up when he gdoing something they are 4 and 3 they been up till 11 the night before as we were at a family party so were crying a bit anyways we put them in the car and go hubbie said a load of f about the account and then I said did you want to cancel cake thing he said yes course i do i been minding kids all day yesterday when you were helping set up party then we had to go back today for a thank you lunch then you want me to go to your parents we going home.
We get home and he working out expenditure plans and in essence we have 900e a month after paying bills rent and food shop so i think we doing ok he the main earner i do a bit of bookkeeping from home. We had two cars and we sold the good car as it was giving us a lot of trouble and a 2010 the he decided we use the money in our saving towards a house but not to clear loan i said it be better to clear some of the loan and save towards a house fro a few more months we are in processes of apply for a mortgage at the early stage.
After he working all teh above out i suggested maybe its time he started looking for a new job he in his company 9 yrs and i think he staying as its handy but the pay is not as good as it should be he been promised a senior postion for last year and half and the boss keeps coming up with excuses not to give it to him.
He then lost it screaming at me how i am always nagging him and how that he got rid of his car and all the thing about the money he then started roaring crying now this is a man who never cries he went upstairs and sat in the dark crying. I went up after a while and just broke down and kept saying sorry to him as i feel it my fault as i stay at home to mind the kids while i should go out and make more money for the family but i believe the kids benefit most by this way but i think he doesnt feel the same but really if i went back to work we have maybe 150e more a week I dont know if its worth it. I then went down he came down help put the kids to bed and we sat in silence from 7 til 10.30 i made tea and his lunch and went to bed at 10.30 i fell alsleep his alarm went off at 6 i went to bathrm then got back into bed he said nothing got up went to work and didnt say bye.
What do i do now is it my fault?

MissFlitworth

Maybe you both need to sit down together and work out a budget together. Going overdrawn because of wedding presents is sort of nuts, and going overdrawn at all is going to throw a spanner in the works when you go to apply for a mortgage. It can be scary stressful being the only source of income for a household, might make things easier for both of you if you have a budget and stick to it and don't buy things you can't afford - you couldn't afford those wedding presents if it meant really close to the day your husband got paid (ie your household income came in) you were overdrawn. Telling him it might help if he went and got another job, no matter what the decent, well meaning motivation behind it, could just have been the last straw on a stressful day.

I don't think it's your fault, I think reality & budgeting need to kick in for both of you. I wouldn't be relying on a better paying job sorting you out either, unless it's hugely better paying than what your husband is on at the moment, ask anyone who's gotten a payrise in the last year or so, you barely see a difference with USC/PRSI/PAYE etc.

Would you guys go to somewhere like Accord for counselling? Might help your husband learn how to tell you when he's worried or upset about things rather than bottling it up till he explodes like that

Merkin

That's a strange question.Why are you trying to apportion blame and ask who's at fault? My main concern would be that my husband had evidently reached some kind of breaking point and is deeply upset and in turmoil.You need to show him love and support and if possible get your parents to take the kids for the night so you two can really sit down and talk and get to the root of the problem.

Boombastic

Your husband is stressed about money. Maybe he thinks you are not on the same page as presents are being bought which leaves an overdraft. He probably feeling the pressure to support the family and saving for a mortgage. Sit down together and work out a budget., do not go over budget for presents, surely the couple getting married could have waited a week or two? He has reached breaking point and needs your support more than ever.


I don't know who is at fault, but communication between the two of you about money issues needs to be improved.

ABajaninCork

Communication seems to have broken down. I just have a question though. You mention that the account has gone into overdraft due to buying two wedding presents. It looks to me as though your poor hubby's had enough and snapped over the money situation.

Was the amount agreed between you?

Would it be possible to park the kids with grandparents for the night and the two of you sit down and really TALK about what's upsetting you? Don't scream and yell, and try not to make accusations either.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here the amount was agreed for the wedding presents as we had three clients paying us and cheques were lodged to CA totalling over 2k so we actually werent in overdraft he was saying that we would have been if we hadnt lodge those cheques but then i said but we wouldnt have bought presents if we hadnt the money. I meant to include this i am just at a lost to see why he got upset as we had got paid and we had the money and the if we hadnt the money argument cant really be the reason we received the 2k from new clients so outside our budget hence we agreed to buying the presents now and teh balance into savings

MissFlitworth

dontknowanymore wrote: »

I meant to include this i am just at a lost to see why he got upset as we had got paid and we had the money and the if we hadnt the money argument cant really be the reason we received the 2k from new clients so outside our budget hence we agreed to buying the presents now and teh balance into savings

In that case it sounds like he is stressed out of his bin about something, whether it's money or he's just down in general. I can guess at all sorts of reasons why he might have exploded like that, maybe he feels pressured into doing things financially he doesn't want to, maybe the pressure of being a sole provider is getting to him, but it's all just guess work. Definitely agree with everyone who said to try and spend a night alone with him to work out what is wrong and what you can do as a couple and as individuals to fix things, you won't know what's really wrong until you can both sit down and thrash things out.

thefeatheredcat

Don't know if this is really relevant to you, but depending on the bank, they might have increased their charge for overdraft, I know I got a letter of notification from Bank of Ireland about this some weeks ago that an increase is effect from late Feb/March for an overdraft facility on an account.


I think on finances you both need to be on the same page, I don't mean about the presents but more about that you're both directly involved and both are making a joint decision about it. Maybe he is stressed as well about making financial decisions for all of you (I understood he undertook a decision to put money a certain way) and worried about if he makes the wrong one, it will create more stress and a strain on finances when perhaps he has the general expectation of being in a better financial position and isn't? Either way, you need to have a solid cushion to fall on in the event something like a cheque that is expected doesn't come through (example, gets lost in the post) and doesn't clear in time or a delay in being lodged and cleared; if he has an insecurity or an anxiety that the cushion isn't there, it is going to cause stress.

Re his job and him being fobbed off by the boss for the senior position, that too might be playing on his mind; suggesting getting a new job might be considered a huge risk out of his comfort zone and financial planning, he has the security of a job right now, even if he is not getting the position he is being promised, which given the climate might be in his perception a bit better than risking on another company that might not pan out well for him (that there is a risk of it going wrong/company going bust suddenly/adjustment) and changes to a work/life balance. Definitely something that if you haven't already talked openly about how he feels about it, then you should.


I think ye need to have a very honest and open discussion about what happened and what were the underlying triggers to the outburst and talk things through. Two way communication and opening up the issues even just from his side would be the best way to go; I don't feel you should be blaming yourself, or him, or anyone, I don't think there's anyone really at fault here but perhaps bad communication and bottled up stress and that is something that you will need to set aside the time for to go through, rather than ignore what happened or what has caused it as it could - whatever it is - get worse further down the line.

soul_jd

in my personal opinion, not reading all the comments above so forgive me if im out of line or saying something that isnt right, i mean absoloutely no offennce whatsoever, so disregarding all the comments, i believe your husband is doing his best and doing what he can do, so forgive him and understand he's doing his best best and all he can do, maybe if he seems off it's because he feels he has alot of stress on himself and he MAY (not saying he is) but maybe saying he may not be getting what he deserves and what he's working for, all a man ever wants to do is look after his family and provide for them, its human nature and its just what a man wants to do for his family, maybe if hes off or not not the best it's because he may feel like he's not living up to what his potential is. i dont know you, or your husband, but im sure he loves you and wants to provide as best as he can for you, and if he cant, maybe thats why he may not be himself, trust him on this above all things, all he wants to do is to do his best for his family.

but like i said, ive disregarded all the above opinions and not even looked at them, i just answered the question i saw, i apologise if i havnt been the best response and i hope all works out and that all is well,

wish you the best.

xx

LegacyUser

Hi OP here just as an updat he sat me down Monday evening to tell me that my best friends husband to be has been diasgnoised with a brain tumor and thye cant cure it he got months to live at 33. He came down to our house saturday when i was away to get my hubbie help with financial matters will and life insurance but he cant told his wife to be so thats whys my hubbie couldnt tell me till monday as he was taking my friend out monday to tell her. Thanks for all your advice I am happy we have talked about a lot of stuff and he thought i expected a lot of him which i didnt so the talking was good

Boombastic

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

Hi OP here just as an updat he sat me down Monday evening to tell me that my best friends husband to be has been diasgnoised with a brain tumor and thye cant cure it he got months to live at 33. He came down to our house saturday when i was away to get my hubbie help with financial matters will and life insurance but he cant told his wife to be so thats whys my hubbie couldnt tell me till monday as he was taking my friend out monday to tell her. Thanks for all your advice I am happy we have talked about a lot of stuff and he thought i expected a lot of him which i didnt so the talking was good

Sorry to hear that, It probably made him think a lot about his own life and of course being upset about his friend. I'm glad you both could talk through things.

Emme

OP I really feel for you both. There are so many like you at the moment, struggling in the face of pay cuts, taxes and an indifferent money-grabbing exchequer. Neither your or your husband are to blame.

When you are both fairly calm and able to talk sit down and discuss your options. MABS might help you manage your budget better but I would think you're doing your best as it is. I don't know if you need marriage counselling, but you need help with dealing with your finances and economic factors which are outside your control.

Would it be economically viable for you to go back to work? Would you really be 150 better off a week after paying travel costs and other costs that go with working. Is it worth being tired and stressed?

You're both doing your best, try to get some advice and don't blame each other.

a posse ad esse

You know what, I still think this has to do with a little of both. Your husband is still pressured to support you and the family financially. Does it not occur to you that his worry over this friend's health scare has an impact on him? Maybe he is afraid that someday he too may become ill than what happens to the family being the sole earner?

I wanted to stay at home when I had my children but my husband was dead set against it. It had nothing to do with not affording to or having more money to help relieve the financial burden on him. It was more to do with staying in the workforce to ensure that I remain employable in case something were to happen. He felt that job security was importrant and by remaining employed things would be easier in case something were to happen.

Part time work can give you the benefit extra money, remaining in the workforce and be able to be at home more often so you can still be there for your children. If something were to happen, it would be easy for you to switch to full time or find full time elsewhere as you are still in the workforce. Being away from it too long does make things harder when the time comes when you want to return to work.

simply simple

seems like there is something else that you have missed mentioning or has not struck you yet or you are not aware of. sometimes reactions might be seen after a good while something has happened. maybe your husband is not happy at his current work or he is doing that job just because he is paid well compared to where he wants to be. I had the kind of same situation with my husband sometimes ago where he let his frustration out on me. But in my opinion dont take it personally, try to find out the reason of his behaviour, You are not guilty and if you can believe me even your husband dont think so. when you are angry, frustrated or something like that you feel good when you can drop that guilt or blame on someone else ( just to feel gud but not with that intention). plz dont take me wrong. Think that you both will be togather in this emotionally toughh time and at that moment itself YOU will be his strength. give him some time to believe that he can count on you whatever he is going through. He will definitely express that when everything is fine and this turmoil has passed. Men are not good at expressing themselves, they get frustrated and angry when they are sad or depressed.
Cant suggest on what in your situation should be done as we dont know the whole story including past and your husband's preferances.

simply simple

sry just skipped your last update on the situation. so maybe that was worrying him, maybe he wanted to help his friend financially which he could not?

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for your comments we again spoke last night and the issue was that our friend is so ill. We sat down and talked about our finances we have 50k in savings and saving almost 1000k a mth so we ahve decided that we are in a good postion. he does not want me to go back to work as I am making a decent amount at home and we have no childminding fees he just hates going into overdraft but then we spoke about we need to have three saving accounts one from immediate issues such as car service a medium saving account for birthdays weddings and the like and long term savings.
We have both been very busy lately and we neglected the chats in the evening instead he went to gym or for a walk every evening came home showered and watched tv while i did bookkeeping so we going to have a date night at home once a week where we just spend the evening together.
Thanks again