(Kinda) Self-Harming: Anyone Else Like This Too?

Caught

I'm in sixth year. Since first or second year, I've wanted to cut myself. I would hold a knife to myself, thinking that I could do it if I wanted to, and it somehow comforted me a little. Then during fifth year, I went through a rough patch in school and I found myself holding a knife against my wrist more and more often. Then last year, around November or December, I realised I was losing my willpower. It had turned from "I could do it" to more so "I want to and will," resulting in me throwing the knife away.

I knew I couldn't use the knife, so I grabbed a pen. It was broken, pointy and sharp at the non-writing end. I scraped myself with it instead of cutting myself. It doesn't leave a mark for too long (a few hours at most), I can do it anywhere and I won't hit a vein. Now I find myself using the end of a pen or pencil most times to scratch myself, and don't hold a knife to myself that often.

Just wondering, does anyone else do something like this? It doesn't cut me, so I'm not sure if it even counts as self harm like (well, the pen does the odd time but still, it's unintentional). I'm just interested in knowing if I'm alone or not. Thanks!

sadie06

If you have been having these impulses for several years and are finding them increasingly hard to resist, you really need to talk this through to find out why you feel this way, and how you can close these thoughts down.

I suggest you start here: http://www.pieta.ie/index.php?/ive-been-self-harming/tell-a-friend

Good luck!

LadyMayBelle

Self harming doesnt just include cutting you know. You said yourself in the first line of your post that youve wanted to cut yourself. If youve not figured out why that is, or why you do behaviours that teeter around it, please go and chat to someone, like a school counsellor, a teacher you get on with or indeed Pieta house.

Caught

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Self harming doesnt just include cutting you know. You said yourself in the first line of your post that youve wanted to cut yourself. If youve not figured out why that is, or why you do behaviours that teeter around it, please go and chat to someone, like a school counsellor, a teacher you get on with or indeed Pieta house.

I don't want to go to the school counsellor though, as one of my friends are going to her often with much worse problems. I don't want everyone to think that I was making this up to get attention..

Sure be grand.

Dizzyblonde

Your problem is just as important as anyone else's, so please talk to the school counsellor or a teacher. If you can't then you need to tell someone - your GP, an aunt or uncle if you can't tell your parents.

Caught

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Your problem is just as important as anyone else's, so please talk to the school counsellor or a teacher. If you can't then you need to tell someone - your GP, an aunt or uncle if you can't tell your parents.

I don't really get on well with my family though. They're part of the problem. I don't have a teacher who I'd feel comfortable in talking to, and I pretended to two friends yesterday that I had a friend doing this, not me. One reacted with such a shocked face, and was like "what type of friends do you have that do be doing this?" The other was more so like "well tell them to get a stress ball and use that instead, or only have spoons in the house." So I don't know what to do now like!

LadyMayBelle

Caught wrote: »

I don't really get on well with my family though. They're part of the problem. I don't have a teacher who I'd feel comfortable in talking to, and I pretended to two friends yesterday that I had a friend doing this, not me. One reacted with such a shocked face, and was like "what type of friends do you have that do be doing this?" The other was more so like "well tell them to get a stress ball and use that instead, or only have spoons in the house." So I don't know what to do now like!

That's normal reactions from peers youre age, reacting with confusion and humour! Thing is, if you speak to the school counsellor, they are noy obliged to tell your parents if you are over 16 UNLESS they deem you at risk to yourself or to others. Obv I cannot assess risk here, but talk it through with a school counsellor. And believe me, as a school counsellor, most students I see tell me there probs arent that big a deal, there are worse off people, and I say but 'so what?'Youre here, it's clearly something that's made you think about coming, post on boards.ie, on your mind. No harm chatting to someone about it. Childline and Pieta house will be able to offer some tips, and there may be other forums for people thinking about going to see someone. If I were you, Id go for a chat anyways.

its me_330

I was feeling like u and i.done nothing bout it. I was getting these urges like u at that age too and done nothing bout it. Im now 27 and cant wear short sleves because i eventually started cutting. Please please please get help before it gets any worse. Ive been there and have the marks for life now.

arbitrary constant

Caught wrote: »

Just wondering, does anyone else do something like this? It doesn't cut me, so I'm not sure if it even counts as self harm like (well, the pen does the odd time but still, it's unintentional). I'm just interested in knowing if I'm alone or not. Thanks!

It counts. Even having those kind of thoughts indicate that there's something amiss and you should talk to someone about it. I felt very much the same as you for quite a while; I had been diagnosed with depression but felt like I wasn't "properly depressed" without having some sort of scar on my arm to show. I tried cutting myself but always chickened out at the last minute....and that made me feel even worse; it made me think to myself "how pathetic can someone be if they can't even hurt themselves properly?" That was the thought process that went through my mind, and occasionally still does but I've come to recognise that it's a logically flawed process. It made me do things like drink too much, take up smoking and occasionally punch myself to compensate for my lack of cutting; I'm guessing you don't need me to tell you that that kind of behaviour isn't very healthy or helpful.

A few weeks ago I was quite drunk and feeling quite down and I managed to cut myself for the first time using my housekeys; the cuts were pretty shallow and the scars faded after a few days but I know if I did it more regularly then they'd be permanent. And despite my wish to have some sort of symbol to prove to the world that I am genuinely depressed, I know that I'm ultimately better off not having these scars on my arm. I have been very close to people who do self harm, and there's no shame in having those scars BUT I know that all those people would prefer not to have them so prominently on their body for the rest of their lives.

Take the advice of someone older and less wise than you: whatever you do, do NOT make the same mistake I always made, and still make to this day, that if you don't have any physical scars then you're "not depressed enough". That is simply NOT true. If you're having thoughts of harming yourself, no matter how brief and fleeting they are, then you should speak to someone about them.

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Obv I cannot assess risk here, but talk it through with a school counsellor. And believe me, as a school counsellor, most students I see tell me there probs arent that big a deal, there are worse off people, and I say but 'so what?'Youre here, it's clearly something that's made you think about coming, post on boards.ie, on your mind. No harm chatting to someone about it. Childline and Pieta house will be able to offer some tips, and there may be other forums for people thinking about going to see someone. If I were you, Id go for a chat anyways.

Can not +1 this comment enough.

LegacyUser

Yeah I did that too but with the writing bit of a biro but mine went into my arm and made me bleed but I've stopped and now it's healing