He's a headwrecker!!!

LegacyUser

Hey guys. In a bit of a pickle here. In college at the moment in the East of the country. I'm in my mid twenties. For the past few years I've been involved with a guy. It has been so hard to the least. He treated me badly, we were never an official couple but had a physical and emotional relationship. H didn't want to commit. But we would meet up, chat, and hang out night and day time. Sometimes not sleeping together, just wanting to hang out together. Now his unwillingness to commit really upset me, also because in between he was seeing others. We fought a lot because of that. didnt speak for ages, and he would contact me again ect. Now I was no angel either, because I was falling for him, and because he wouldnt commit, in the fights I said some awful things. Also many times when I ended seeing each other, I would respond to his calls/texts when he made contact a few months later. so I cant put the blame on him completely. It was my choice at the end of the day to respond and I did because I had fallen for him.

He has admitted he treated me badly and used me a lot. He said he liked me, but never wanted anything more than that. It took a long time and lot of tears on my part but I wised up to that fact and walked away. Told him good luck with his life and ended it on good terms. I never stopped loving him. But I had and have accepted he didnt love me. Never would and the only person that was hurting me, was me, by continuing this fake relationship I had created in my head.

My life is good apart from this. I have good friends, college, home-life and am very happy. But he is the only person I want to be with. Its unfortunate. Now I have dated since, nice guys, not so nice guys, and guys that were fine, but there hasn't been any spark. I.m not actively looking for anyone either. I,m happy single, but deep down Im still in love with him.
Then everything turned on its head again. He contacted me recently after a very long time of not seeing each other. He basically told me that he was seeing someone, not exclusively, but despite that, he cant stop thinking of me. I told him that its not right to the girl he is with and that despite how I feel, I wouldnt want it to be done to me. I said that all he misses is the drama probably. But he then said, despite all the fights we have had, and the years we've spent on and off, he cant let me go. He apologised for the past few years, said he treated me badly and he knows it, and that he's got his act together. I said its all in the past and I wasnt angry anymore, which is the truth.

He then asked me would I be prepared to give it a go, seeing each other, but the clause being that it was not public for a while until he knew if it was workable. That just upset me. Because it was no different to before. He would continue seeing this other girl who wouldnt be aware of me. I said no. Never would I agree to any such thing. He really wasnt getting it. I honestly think he was geniune in what he was saying, but didnt realise just how bizarre and awful the idea was to me. I said I would never ever do that. In respect of myself and the other girl. He got upset slightly, saying that he was beginning to come around to his senses and he then blurted out I think I love you. Then he hung up and hasnt talked to me since.

Im headwrecked and annoyed right now. Im not replying. Not saying a word. He's never said he liked or loved me before this in all the years I've known him. I wont be seeing him at all. I would never be a part in hurting another person and thats that. He is completely wrong as fair as Im concerned and people are not there for pick and choosing. He needs to learn the value of people. Having said that I do love him unfortunately and Im going to have to get on with my life, Im almost finished my studies in Dublin and very happy here. deleting and blocking seems the only option. I dont trust myself at all. But I guess Im just wondering am I being unfair towards him. He sounded truly upset at the end of the talk. Or am I falling for a master charmer and con artist.

thanks guys.

Abi

This guy doesn't want to be tied down to any one girl I'm afraid. By contacting you again he is simply trying to keep you 'on the books' if you know what I mean.


He will hurt you over and over and over again OP, I'm sorry to say. You need to ask him to not contact you any more so you can get on with your life. You deserve someone who will love you back and will commit to you.

He is not that guy.

seenitall

Hi OP,

first of all, you are completely right in not being a part to cheating on another girl. Well done, and keep that in mind whenever the slimeball gets in touch again.

Second of all, if he is prepared to cheat on his girlfriend, you do know if he ever did get properly together with you, it is practically guaranteed he'd cheat on you too? Especially with the track record of the power balance that the two of you have in your 'relationship'.

Third of all, you deserve so, so much better than this egotistic sleazebag.

Anyone does.

Edit: Just reared your post, and ok, he is not seeing the other girl "exclusively", but then, he wouldn't, would he? I still stand by everything I called him. The last time someone like that tried to dangle me and toy with my feelings, I took great pleasure in indulging him and making him feel secure in me as a stand-by, and then suddenly dropping him from a great height. Boy, did he get a shock! He never bothered me again, his ego just couldn't take being played at his own game.

LegacyUser

well guys, Im an utter fool. met up with him today to sort things out after work. Was basically told he was stupid to say anything he said. and he was going with the other girl. and wished me luck. Im so sad and I dont know why. I wasnt going to get with him in the first place when he was seeing someone, but I feel so stupid and used again. dont know why he said all that stuff. it was pointless. anyway going to drown my sorrows in films and tea or something and just try and move on. horrid feeling. so annoyed at myself

Stavro Mueller

Hey, don't be hard on yourself. All you did wrong was to like someone who wasn't worthy of your affection. It's very easy for other people to tell you to cut contact, move on, he's a waster etc. because they're not emotionally involved. You can't just turn your heart on and off like a tap.

Now that you know exactly where you stand with regards to this guy, you can begin to get over him. No more false hope or fooling yourself into thinking he might change. Take care of yourself. You wrote an awful lot of sensible stuff in your last paragraph. You are worth more than the scraps from the table that you were being offered.

Boombastic

sillygirl101 wrote: »

well guys, Im an utter fool. met up with him today to sort things out after work. Was basically told he was stupid to say anything he said. and he was going with the other girl. and wished me luck. Im so sad and I dont know why. I wasnt going to get with him in the first place when he was seeing someone, but I feel so stupid and used again. dont know why he said all that stuff. it was pointless. anyway going to drown my sorrows in films and tea or something and just try and move on. horrid feeling. so annoyed at myself

When he calls you again in the future (which I'm almost sure he will) be strong

seenitall

sillygirl101 wrote: »

well guys, Im an utter fool. met up with him today to sort things out after work. Was basically told he was stupid to say anything he said. and he was going with the other girl. and wished me luck. Im so sad and I dont know why. I wasnt going to get with him in the first place when he was seeing someone, but I feel so stupid and used again. dont know why he said all that stuff. it was pointless. anyway going to drown my sorrows in films and tea or something and just try and move on. horrid feeling. so annoyed at myself

Best thing that could have happened, OP (seeing as you seem to be so stuck on him).

The sadness will pass, but he will still be a head-wreck not worth your time.

Please work on your self-worth and self-esteem, because the way you are feeling about someone so completely unworthy of your attention is not a good sign for your future emotional well-being either.

Wishing you all the best.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Best thing that could have happened, OP (seeing as you seem to be so stuck on him).

The sadness will pass, but he will still be a head-wreck not worth your time.

Please work on your self-worth and self-esteem, because the way you are feeling about someone so completely unworthy of your attention is not a good sign for your future emotional well-being either.

Wishing you all the best.

thanks so much!! You are completely right!! I am gutted but not in the sense that he wont be with me, more in the sense that I went along with it. Thank you again. I've so much to work on right now, overwhelmed and dont know where to start, but I'll get there. I feel so weepy at the moment, and shaky, but I really think its the shock of everything.

Abi

sillygirl101 wrote: »

thanks so much!! You are completely right!! I am gutted but not in the sense that he wont be with me, more in the sense that I went along with it. Thank you again. I've so much to work on right now, overwhelmed and dont know where to start, but I'll get there. I feel so weepy at the moment, and shaky, but I really think its the shock of everything.

Just imagine the crap his 'girlfriend' is likely to be put through too.

He didn't just make mistake texting you, he needed to know he could still have you if he wanted to I reckon.

I know you're upset about it at the moment, but in time you will see you've had a lucky escape. It's the gf that needs our sympathies I think, this guy likes to have his cake and eat it. I'd be shocked if he stays faithful to her.

Grab a cup of tea and watch something that will make you laugh OP, get your mind off things.

beks101

Abi wrote: »

He will hurt you over and over and over again OP

This. OP, read this over and over, out loud if needs be. Write it down & stare at it. It's the only truth there is to this situation.

You sound like a lovely, smart, self aware woman with a great life and a lot to look forward to. Don't let anyone drag you down. This guy is holding you back and dragging you down and letting you go and reeling you back in with empty words that have no meaning behind them because ultimately, even at this stage, after all the time you've invested in this, he's still not sure if you're "workable" as a couple.

That's all you'll ever get from him - empty promises, hurt and frustration every time you discover he's got someone new on the go.

Delete and block and surround yourself with positive people as you give yourself time to heal.

kylith

If he ever calls you again tell him to delete your number, then hang up. You deserve better than this man. He is keeping in contact with you so that you can be a fallback when this other relationship goes south. Get out there, meet some other men, and put this guy as far from your thoughts as possible.