Not sure what to do.. need an advice please.

mystic knight

Hi,
This is my first time posting my problems online.. This time I really need an opinion, help..
Im in a relationship almost 3 years now. Living with my partner for the last 2,5 years. We had some bad and good times, as everyone else and most times we were able to sort things out by talking to each other and finding the solution.
Im afraid its not going to happen this time.
We both are wearing "wedding rings" even if we never married.
Two days ago my partner went out with a group of friends from work. He left the house wearing the ring. He came back at around 1am.. with no ring on.
I asked him where is the ring. For a moment he went quiet and then said "oh, i dont know.. wait a moment" and he left the room. He came back after few seconds and said that the ring was on the table in the other room and maybe he forgot to put it on before leaving the house. I replied to him that this is not true as im 100% sure he left the house with the ring on and anyway, I've been sorting out my documents on the table in the other room while he was out and the ring was not there.
He couldn't give me any reasonable answer of why he came back without it.
I didnt want any "night fight" so I just went to sleep to the other room.
The next morning he sent me a text message saying: "Ring was in my pocket, dont recall why. I take it off several times a day cos its a bit too big. There was no hidden reason and it wasn't done deliberately. Yesterday I told you a lie and said that i left it in the other room in "panic" cos i didnt want you to suspect me of anything. Apologies for that. Stupid me. Just dont be an idiot about all this as I haven't done anything wrong".
Well, to be honest, I dont believe his explanation at all. I dont know if he took the ring off in the pub because of a specific person, or he simply took it off "in case" someone interesting comes along and then, when coming back forgot to put it back on. But I dont believe he took it off and put it in his pocket with no reason.
Just this morning he again tried to explain (but in some sort of aggressive way, almost shouting as we are not exactly on speaking-terms at the moment) that he cant even remember the moment he took it off and maybe it was when he was washing his hands in the bathroom. I replied that if this was the case, than how come the ring always leaves the house on his finger and comes back without being taken off even once when we are going out to a pub together.
He did not give me any answer.
Now, Id like you to understand that im not a teenager and I wouldn't make such a big deal out of nothing, but all this makes me think that he took the ring off in the pub simply because he wanted to be seen as single.
And this fact makes me feel almost sick in my stomach that after 3 years together, he does that kind of a thing.
I need an advice from someone unrelated to me or him.. Im sure you understand why.
I am very close to seriously asking him to move out as the trust is gone and I really don't know if it cam ever be re-built.
Please help.

Thanks

candle stick

Hi Mystic Knight thanks for replying to my thread. I read your thread and I don't know what to advise you 3 years is such a long time. Is this the first time there have been trust issues ? If it is I would try and resolve it if not more difficult. to give you advice.

mystic knight

Thanks Candle Stick. and to answer your question, there were some tiny things in the past, but we were able to sort everything out. I know that the whole "ring situation" may seem a bit childish to some, but to me its quite a big deal as I really think he took it off just because he wanted to hide the fact he's in a relationship. Also, it makes me wonder if it was the first time he did it, or if he's done it all the time. If I could only find any reasonable explanation why would he take it off.. but again, I don't want to be one of the girls who makes herself believe that her partner did nothing wrong just because its hard to see the truth and end it.. To be honest I feel like a fool right now cos I didnt expect anything like that to happen.

candle stick

mystic knight wrote: »

Thanks Candle Stick. and to answer your question, there were some tiny things in the past, but we were able to sort everything out. I know that the whole "ring situation" may seem a bit childish to some, but to me its quite a big deal as I really think he took it off just because he wanted to hide the fact he's in a relationship. Also, it makes me wonder if it was the first time he did it, or if he's done it all the time. If I could only find any reasonable explanation why would he take it off.. but again, I don't want to be one of the girls who makes herself believe that her partner did nothing wrong just because its hard to see the truth and end it.. To be honest I feel like a fool right now cos I didnt expect anything like that to happen.

Well if you sorted things out in the past can you not sort this out? Ending it seems quite dramatic if you have sorted things out in the past? Or have the issues in the past always niggled at you? If they have well you definately have grounds in my opinoion to do what you think is best for you. It could mean moving out for a while ,taking a break staying with a friend for a while. Not sure what to advise but it seems like you need some space at the moment.

mystic knight

moving out for a while is not really an option. I have a daughter and it would turn her life upside down. And if its him who moves out, it will be for good. He's stubborn like that.
I would love to sort it out, but I'm really lost at the moment and don't know how. Talking did not much good till now either as he cant give me an explanation why the ring ended up in his pocket. I cant just forget the whole thing and move on. Well, maybe I could, but I feel like if I couldn't trust him any more. At least not for a really long time. And what a relationship is without the trust..
I really appreciate you trying to help, Candle Stick. I know its a tough one..

chin nuts

Maybe ur reading too much into this. Tbh I don't understand the ring thing like, maybe its a security thing for u. Maybe he was sick of explaining why he was wearing it to people when he's not married. Try explaining to a group of lads in the pub that " it's to show my commitment to my girlfriend " . He'll get some slagging. Maybe u should trust him a little more, I'm surprised he even wore it but that's just my opinion.

mystic knight

chin nuts wrote: »

Maybe ur reading too much into this. Tbh I don't understand the ring thing like, maybe its a security thing for u. Maybe he was sick of explaining why he was wearing it to people when he's not married. Try explaining to a group of lads in the pub that " it's to show my commitment to my girlfriend " . He'll get some slagging. Maybe u should trust him a little more, I'm surprised he even wore it but that's just my opinion.

Hi Chin Nuts, thanks for your reply and want you to know that I respect it. It was actually my partner who bought the rings two years ago as a gift for my birthday. I didn't have any issues with wearing it, neither did he. We are not planning to get married as he doesn't believe in marriage, so he got the rings "instead", if you know what i mean. And yes, you were right when you said its some sort of commitment thing. just because my partner and I are not married, doesn't mean that we cant wear rings if both of us are happy to do it. I don't like when guys are hitting on me in a pub and believe me or not, the ring sometimes helps in this matter.
Also, he wouldn't need to explain the ring to his friends. They know he's in a relationship and anyway, he wore it for the past two years.... I cant understand why to get the rings and wear them, just to take it off when going to a pub? it just seems to me a bit... sneaky?

Abi

Hi Mystic. You must be feeling distraught right now, as it doesn't look like you'll ever get to the bottom of this. What chin nuts said was on my mind, but you're saying that he bought them.

Is is possible that he only did this as a gesture to you, but might be secretly embaressed to wear it around his friends?

mystic knight

Abi wrote: »

Hi Mystic. You must be feeling distraught right now, as it doesn't look like you'll ever get to the bottom of this. What chin nuts said was on my mind, but you're saying that he bought them.

Is is possible that he only did this as a gesture to you, but might be secretly embaressed to wear it around his friends?

Hi Abi. I don't think its because he's embarrassed to wear it or anything like that. Often happens that its actually him who asks where is my ring if i don't have it on my finger. One thing is to forget to put it on and another to deliberately take it off after leaving the house and going partying. I really (REALLY) don't want to sound like a suspicious, not trusting kind of a person and I realise that some of you may think that after reading this thread, but it never happened before and I wonder why he did it now..

Abi

mystic knight wrote: »

Hi Abi. I don't think its because he's embarrassed to wear it or anything like that. Often happens that its actually him who asks where is my ring if i don't have it on my finger. One thing is to forget to put it on and another to deliberately take it off after leaving the house and going partying. I really (REALLY) don't want to sound like a suspicious, not trusting kind of a person and I realise that some of you may think that after reading this thread, but it never happened before and I wonder why he did it now..

I don't really think that you're being overly suspicious, I just think it's wise to rule stuff out first hon.


Well, I'm not sure there is a solution to this one I'm afraid. You'll either have to take his word that he didn't have any untoward reason for talking the ring off, or if you're saying the trust is gone - well it doesn't bode well for the future =/

CaraMay

Op I would agree with you that's its a bit strange. Have you ever seen him take it off during the day?

I don't think it's a sacking offence on the basis for the ring but I do think you have to keep your eyes and ears open from now on...

P. Breathnach

If a man who normally wears a ring takes it off when going out without his partner, it's usually a bad sign. If he lies about it, it's a further bad sign. If he becomes aggressive in trying to explain it, it's yet another bad sign.

None of that means that he cheated on you. It doesn't even mean that he is of a cheating disposition. It might be that he is in a somewhat childish way trying to act as a single person.

But you should be deeply suspicious. On the balance of probabilities, I'd find him guilty.

clairefontaine

Are you sure he doesn't do this regularly and this time he just forgot to put it back on or lost it?

Or maybe he just lost it.

You can either believe him or not believe him. So choose which one, and then decide what to do.

Hannibal Smith

my husband regularly goes out without his ring...he takes it off to get washed and forgets to put it back on.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid to it. I wouldn't end a relationship because of it.

you know him best do you really think he's the type to go out on the pull like that?

mystic knight

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I would agree with you that's its a bit strange. Have you ever seen him take it off during the day?

I don't think it's a sacking offence on the basis for the ring but I do think you have to keep your eyes and ears open from now on...

Thanks CaraMay. He would take it off only at night or when in the shower. He is always wearing it, even if we are not leaving the house whole day.That's why it seems SO strange that he took it off in the pub and came back with the ring in his pocket.... I dont want to overreact or anything like that, but I also dont want to be the last person to find out...

seenitall

Hi OP,

tbh, I'd be inclined to say trust your intuition when it comes to someone you know that well.

That said, you really can't know anything for sure in this situation, so I think in your place I would put this incident behind me;

however, as mentioned before, I'd keep my eyes and ears open for any other out-of-the-usual behaviour (I'm sure that you won't be able to not do that anyway, now that this has happened).

I'm sorry to say I'd probably be suspicious too.

mystic knight

P. Breathnach wrote: »

If a man who normally wears a ring takes it off when going out without his partner, it's usually a bad sign. If he lies about it, it's a further bad sign. If he becomes aggressive in trying to explain it, it's yet another bad sign.

None of that means that he cheated on you. It doesn't even mean that he is of a cheating disposition. It might be that he is in a somewhat childish way trying to act as a single person.

But you should be deeply suspicious. On the balance of probabilities, I'd find him guilty.

That is exactly what came to my mind The only reason for taking it secretively off that I can think of is simply because he wanted to be seen as single. I would maybe expect that kind of behaviour at the beginning of a relationship, but not after knowing each other for over 10 years, spending the last 3 years as a couple and living together for the past 2,5 years.
I really want to believe him when he says that he doesn't know why he took it off and when exactly it happen... but i was not born yesterday and I know that people can be suddenly attracted to someone else, so I cant pretend that nothing happened. I just don't want to stay in a relationship if there is no future. And without the trust its going to be quite hard thing to do..

mystic knight

clairefontaine wrote: »

Are you sure he doesn't do this regularly and this time he just forgot to put it back on or lost it?

Or maybe he just lost it.

You can either believe him or not believe him. So choose which one, and then decide what to do.

Hi Clairefontaine. Thanks for your post. At the moment I cant be sure any more if it was the first time he's done it. In the past every time he went out, he would wear it when leaving the house and when coming back. And no, he didnt lose it. He left wearing it and came back with the ring in his pocket. First he lied that maybe he left it at the table before leaving the house, but the next morning he admitted he lied to me and that the ring was in his pocket, but he doesn't exactly know why and when he took it off.

mystic knight

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

my husband regularly goes out without his ring...he takes it off to get washed and forgets to put it back on.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid to it. I wouldn't end a relationship because of it.

you know him best do you really think he's the type to go out on the pull like that?

Hi Hannibal Smith (love the nickname, by the way:)).
I wouldn't care if he would simply forget it. It happens to everyone. But this time he didn't forget to wear it. He had on his finger when he left the house. But when he came back from the pub, he had it in his pocket.
I don't think he is cheating on me. I like to think he's not that kind of a guy and till now I trusted him (even if in the past we had some small arguments about that from both sides.. nothing serious tho.). Unfortunately there is a possibility that he took it off cos he didn't want someone to know that he's in a relationship. And that really hurts.

mystic knight

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

tbh, I'd be inclined to say trust your intuition when it comes to someone you know that well.

That said, you really can't know anything for sure in this situation, so I think in your place I would put this incident behind me;

however, as mentioned before, I'd keep my eyes and ears open for any other out-of-the-usual behaviour (I'm sure that you won't be able to not do that anyway, now that this has happened).

I'm sorry to say I'd probably be suspicious too.

You might be right Seenitall. There's no way to find out for sure what happened that night and why he did it. He could have simply liked someone in that pub and took the ring off to pretend that he's single (in this case sooner or later I will find out), but also he could have taken it off when washing his hands and he's hmm "not guilty".
I know which of the above scenarios I'd like to believe. I just need to figure out if i can.

judgefudge

It's a horrible situation OP because you may never know what the truth is. But you do know that he tried to lie to you when you asked him, and he got aggressive in defending himself. Is he usually that aggressive when you argue? I would be a little worried about it.

It's up to you OP, you are the only one who knows this guy. Have you ever had the gut feeling that he would do something like that? Listen to your gut. If this eats away at you and you can't get it off your mind then to be honest you don't really trust him.

I was in a somewhat similar situation and I didn't listen to what my gut was telling me, it causes more heartbreak down the line.

mystic knight

Thanks Judgefudge. You are right, since that night i can think of nothing else than what is the truth here. I cant start pretending that nothing happened. It could have been something completely innocent, but it also can be that he lied to me all the way. To be honest, if its the 2nd option, I'd prefer to find out sooner than later.

judgefudge

mystic knight wrote: »

Thanks Judgefudge. You are right, since that night i can think of nothing else than what is the truth here. I cant start pretending that nothing happened. It could have been something completely innocent, but it also can be that he lied to me all the way. To be honest, if its the 2nd option, I'd prefer to find out sooner than later.

You also have to bear in mind that you may never find out. If he doesn't come clean and you don't find solid evidence then there will always be doubt.

Like others have said, it may in fact be nothing sinister. However I would base your next decision on what your gut is telling you. You know him, you know whether you trust him or not. Without trust you will drive yourself mad over the next while, it's a ****in horrible feeling, I know it well.

Others have said to keep your eyes and ears open... I know now having been through it that I would never make myself live like that again. You shouldn't have to keep looking for signs of what he could be up to.

You either trust him or you don't.

chin nuts

People here can only really give u an opinion it's hard to make a proper judgement without actually knowing both of u personally. U know him better than anyone else in the world so go with what ur instincts tell u their usually right as much as we'd like to deny them.
U said u know the guy 10 years, has he form for this?? And would u be with him if he did? To me it seems a bit trivial the whole situation but by reading some of ur posts it sounds like its eating u up. Like a previous poster said her husband often doesn't wear his ring and it's no big deal because she obviously trusts him 100%. U have doubts, so maybe u don't trust him as much as u think u do. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.
Only u can make this decision, if u love and trust him put it behind u and enjoy it life as a happy family. if u can't put it behind u its gonna haunt u for the rest of the relationship which will inevitibly fail anyway so deal with it now.
I wish u all the best and hope whatever decision u make is the best for u and ur daughter.

mystic knight

chin nuts wrote: »

People here can only really give u an opinion it's hard to make a proper judgement without actually knowing both of u personally. U know him better than anyone else in the world so go with what ur instincts tell u their usually right as much as we'd like to deny them.
U said u know the guy 10 years, has he form for this?? And would u be with him if he did? To me it seems a bit trivial the whole situation but by reading some of ur posts it sounds like its eating u up. Like a previous poster said her husband often doesn't wear his ring and it's no big deal because she obviously trusts him 100%. U have doubts, so maybe u don't trust him as much as u think u do. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.
Only u can make this decision, if u love and trust him put it behind u and enjoy it life as a happy family. if u can't put it behind u its gonna haunt u for the rest of the relationship which will inevitibly fail anyway so deal with it now.
I wish u all the best and hope whatever decision u make is the best for u and ur daughter.

hey chin nuts. Thanks for your post. A lot of good words in it..
My partner and I first met over 10 years now (13 years to be precise) and we became friends. Only friends, absolutely nothing else. I was in a long term relationship with my daughter's father back then. When my daughter was almost 1, I discovered that her dad has been cheating on me the whole time.. whole 6 years..and guess what? I was the last one to find out about it.. It kinda crushed me and to be honest, I didn't want to trust anyone after that. Almost 4 years later (spent alone with my daughter, without dating nor seeing anyone) i started my current relationship. Of course there were some issues at the beginning as I had to learn how to trust again. Few weeks after we started our relationship he went travelling abroad. He bought plane tickets long before we got together. He was staying at his ex's house as she moved overseas around a year before his trip, and that alone was quite a challenge to me. Still, he told me they are only friends since they broke up and I was fine with this. After he came back all was fine until some girl started posting pictures on his FB. You know, together in a restaurant, her head on his shoulder, etc. I got really mad at him and felt quite hurt, but he explained whole situation to me ( he met her when site-seeing, the girl was much younger and exaggerating when posing for photographs) and even if for a short time i was fighting with my thoughts, I somehow managed to trust him. That was the only one time when he gave me a reason to be somehow suspicious.
Maybe that's why the whole "ring thing" got me so upset. You said that you don't understand when couples wear rings if they are not married. To us wearing our rings were quite important as in some way wearing them everyday for the past 2 years showed the commitment. But don't get me wrong here.. its not the ring itself that had an emotional value. It was more like when Im wearing it, I have a part of him with me and the other way around, if you know what i mean.
And then one night he comes back from a night out with the ring in his pocket.
Of course it seemed strange to me and I started to think... and think.. and think.. Especially cos he cant give me a valid reason (any reason) why he took it off.
Maybe I am exaggerating, overreacting, etc.. Maybe he really did absolutely nothing wrong and its me who's acting like some insecure woman, but can you really blame me?
You are right. I have to follow my instinct and decide if I trust him enough to believe his words..
Chin nuts, you really helped me here a lot. I appreciate it.

ahnow

A few things stand out in this, maybe he is innocent, but it's not looking good.

Why did he lie in the first place?
Why did he send you a text when you were in the other room?
Calling you an idiot straight off the bat, not a good sign at all.
Why is he getting aggressive and shouting about it if he has nothing to hide?
I'd go with your gut on this one OP, don't allow yourself to be bullied on this.

Neyite

OP, I have merged the replies on your other thread to this one.