Venting a bit

LegacyUser

I'm in my 20's and haven't done much with my life. I looked up old friends on facebook and I only realise now that these people that I once trusted and called friends, were different people who I used to remember them by.

I was severely abused as a child and I was afraid of what might happen if I told the truth, so I lied through my teeth. My father would beat me to a pulp, strip me naked and leave me outside, no matter if it was raining or cold. My mother knew what was happening but to this day still plays dumb. It got worse as I got older, I was getting harassed in school, my brother joined in on the bullying up to the point where he'd take a blade to my throat. My sister eventually was able to stop my father by threatening him with calling the guards.

I kind of still saw my father after that during the weekends. I stopped going to school because a lot of events started then and the changing of schools just worsened it to the point of I couldn't do any of my work and I was too afraid to go into school and also get **** from the teachers as well as the bullying. My parents took this as some sort of religious thing and one day had 2 of their church friends come over to strap me to a chair and perform an exorcism.

I acted awkwardly and said/done weird things through my teenage years. I didn't go out, didn't go to school, I hated everyone and became increasingly asocial. I kind of turned my mind to distractions, played video games all day and kept to myself until I was more or less grown up.

I've gotten back on the horse somewhat, I've dotted the i's crossed the t's barely enough to scrape an education. I still haven't really met anyone who'd be a friend because of my own social awkwardness I guess. It's not like I'm purposely trying to push people away but it comes to a point where you try to ask for some help and you're just sort of left for dead and people don't want to deal with you because of your lack of social understanding.

I don't know what's got me in this tizzy now. Maybe just regret and a bit of realisation.
I'd just like to say I'm sorry for acting the way I did.

Merkin

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Have you ever sought counselling for what you've been through?

LegacyUser

I'd love counselling/therapy given the chance but I couldn't really see anyway that was possible for me so far. I've tried for the most part to mentally stabilise myself and I think I'm in a fair position I guess.

I mean the memories of my own actions seem to far out-way any abusive history in terms of depression or anger. For the most part I think I'm past the worst of it. If time gives me chance I'd want to get proper therapy for my social reasons rather then focusing on my past. I know there's tie ins, hence my explanation. I just not entirely sure how to feel about it even so I guess?

Thanks.

Merkin

It sounds like you have done great work on yourself and to a degree triumphed over adversity. I do think counselling however could be the final building blocks for you in a. coming to terms with an abusive past and b. hopefully helping you with your social anxiety.

I do think you should maybe go to your GP and ask for a referral, it might give you the little help that you need in setting you on the path to making your life happy and fulfilled in the way you want and deserve.

illicit007

I can understand being a little anti social and hence socially awkward after all if that. In don't think it's your fault necessarily and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I reckon you're on the right track. Get back on the horse. You just need to go gard practising and learning now. Loads of self help books out there. Also you gotta get yourself out there. Join some clubs, strike up conversations. Feel free to just say, hey sorry I realise I'm a little socially awkward, a trying to get over it.

LegacyUser

Hi ingerlitio. I reckon you've done more with your life than you think. What you went through wasn't an upbringing. It was a horror show. It shows what strength of character you have that you have got to where you have and seem to be doing alright.

Please don't rule out counselling. I used to be a person who never thought I'd ever go near a counsellor. Then one day I got desperately upset over something in my life and someone persuaded me to go. It was something that definitely helped enormously and I've changed my attitude to counselling. It isn't a cure for all ills by any means but sometimes it takes someone who doesn't know you to point out the bleedin' obvious. I certainly got some invaluable insights into the way I behave along with some good advice.

So please, don't be too proud. You have done great to get to where you have but sometimes some of us need that little bit more help. It doesn't make you any less of a person and perhaps might make you.

hedgehog21

Wow, it really makes you wonder what goes on in someones head if they can do that to their own child. You are strong if survived that, but you need to get counselling not one person on this earth could live through that and not need some.
You also need to stop doubting yourself, you are not to blame for any of this.
Do you still speak to your ''father''?