Under the thumb

LegacyUser

I am unregistered for this.

Hi guys. I need a bit of insight as I am short of friends at the moment and quite ashamed tbh

I am 21, going on 22 in a few months time. I am female.
I am going through a rough patch at the moment and I feel it's a foreboding of the way my life will turn out.

First off, I am still at home.
Not a major surprise considering the economy. However, my parents have remained quite controlling and they are quite judging. Naturally, they were quite protective over me when I was young but it has remained the way to this evening and this evening really, was the first time I realized my life is a fail.
Just a bit of insight, last year at college I thought finally I would get a bit of breathing space but it was quite the opposite. I would be judged if I skipped a lecture, I was collected after some nights out and when I stayed over at my friends accommodation they managed to turn me off by implying I was rude staying there.
The thing they seem to be doing in the last year is accusing me of drinking because I am in a bad mood? My friends and I used to hang at the college bar for the food deals and for people. Sometimes, I used to come home and be accused of drinking because I wasn't in the mood for them due to long week.
Anyway, unfortunately things have gotten worse this year. I dropped out of college for the year to repeat my leaving cert for my first choice of course. And they never let me forget it. Ever.
I often confined in my mother and it's then used against me.
I am stuck with them 24/7 and I am getting madder as the days go on.
They criticize me for going to lunch with friends and other things. As if it wasn't bad enough I left my life in college for a leaving cert, they can't help but pass comments and are treating me like a child. My parents then claim I act like a child but.. they are the ones damaging me by treating me like a child constantly?
(I hope by describing how they treat me can shed some light on the situation.)


I have no friends left because of my decision to repeat. I have one good friend left who my parents can't help pulling bits out of and claim she's putting ideas in my head? and that my attitude changes when I am around her? This is highly untrue and I believe she is one of the things keeping me going in terms of support and relief because I am not exaggerating. I have no other real friends left.

I am unfortunately unemployed and I am now dependant on my parents and they love to pass comments about that. I have worked since I was 16 but due to my workplace recently being so badly hit by recession, I was let go.

I haven't been on a night out or done anything I like in months.

I have had no relationships. Nothing real or notable. I won't even go there.

I am overweight and eat for comfort. I am miserable at this present time.

I need advice on:
1. How to get my parents to back the hell off and respect me as a human being. I mean, we are talking about people who blow in and out of my bedroom with no sense of boundaries. In other words, I am a child. How the hell can I get them off my back?

2. How do I turn this all around? I see other girls who are happy my age and have it all together but I don't seem to have the first notion of where to start.

I am sorry if this is long winded but I am just really upset.

looksee

OP, regardless of your age, you are living at home. While there is a good argument that you should be given the courtesy of privacy and independence, in fact you are living under their roof, being fed and supported by them.

If they had any sense they would allow you to grow up while living with them, in fact they seem to be keeping you dependent on them.

However there are other aspects to this. You dropped out of college to repeat your leaving cert. Would it have made more sense to re-sit your leaving cert before trying for college? You were on a course, but you left it to try for another one. Did you improve your LC, and if so, why are you not on the other course?

While you were at college you were criticised for missing 'a lecture'. How did they know you had missed one? Was it because you were still in bed when you should have been in college? They were - presumably - subsidising you to go to college, they were not subsidising you to miss lectures.

Sorry to sound unsympathetic, but I can't help thinking that your version of events sounds a little self absorbed. If you behaved with dignity and responsibly your parents would not have occasion to criticise you. If you want to be free and independent then you will have to work out some way of financing yourself. In the meantime, their house, their rules.

Your life is not a fail, yet. You have not lived enough of it to decide it is a fail. What you can do is make some sort of decisions as to what you are going to do, then do it, wholeheartedly.

No doubt your parents do nag, that's what parents do, especially when they see an adult child who has dropped out of college and is now drifting, what else can they do? Take responsibility for yourself, at least go back to college or look for things that you can do, even if it is voluntary, part time, whatever.

You are the only person that can change this, and as long as you are blaming your parents for your problems you will not make any progress.

LegacyUser

I am repeating at the moment.
Nothing wrong with my leaving cert, I feel short in points of my first choice and took a course I also had an interest in. But it was not what I thought it was.

Also, I financed myself in college up to this point where I am repeating my leaving cert
I have never taken a year out and I am not drifting.
If anything I am exhausted academically.

I do agree finance is where it lies though.

Zen65

usernamecat1999991 wrote: »

I am overweight and eat for comfort. I am miserable at this present time.

I need advice on:
1. How to get my parents to back the hell off and respect me as a human being. I mean, we are talking about people who blow in and out of my bedroom with no sense of boundaries. In other words, I am a child. How the hell can I get them off my back?

2. How do I turn this all around? I see other girls who are happy my age and have it all together but I don't seem to have the first notion of where to start.

First off, you are far too young to be thinking your life is a fail. In real terms it is only beginning. Secondly in your situation you might get better advice from a school counsellor if there is one at your school, as it can be hard for your situation to be clear just on the basis of your OP.

If you want you parents to change their behaviour, you must start by changing yours, since that is all that you can control. You want them to treat you as an adult, then speak to them as an adult, without any emotional baggage. Looksee has made some really good points in his response and I don't think that you paid enough attention to those (based on your reply), so I suggest you read his response again. Understand that if your parents are supporting you financially at 21 then this is a substantial burden for them and they need to see that you are being responsible in getting yourself into a better place. I can't see it from your OP; maybe they don't see it yet either.

Your parents' action sounds as though they do not think you are taking responsibility for your life, and so they continue to try influence you. Show them that you are taking control. Start by working on your weight issue (assuming you actually are overweight). Take control of your diet, and get regular exercise. Let your parents see that you are sufficiently self-aware to be able to do that.

As for your course, just be sure that you apply yourself diligently to your LC to get the points you need for your first choice of college place. Talking of "relationships" while you are trying to achieve this indicates to me that you are not giving priority to your principle objective. The very fact that you are repeating the LC should indicate to you that you have not been sufficiently diligent in your studies in the past, so now is a good time to treat the matter really seriously. . . . the LC should be the core focus of your life for the next few months.

If you'd like your parents to knock before they enter your room (remember it is THEIR HOUSE) then ask respectfully that they be agreeable to do so. In asking, put it into context for them; explain that you are having issues about they way the treat you, and you'd like that they talk and deal with you as an adult. Your behaviour in having that conversation is critical to how well that will work. If you are in any way churlish, emotional or critical of them then frankly you will not improve the relationship and you can blame nobody but yourself.

They question your friend for "influencing" you. They may be right, so do not jump to arguing if they say this. Remember your parents know you almost as well as you know yourself, and in some respect they may know you even better. Set a plan for yourself and stick to it. If your parents see you taking control of your life then they are likely to trust your judgement of friends as well as give you more space.

My parents then claim I act like a child but.. they are the ones damaging me by treating me like a child constantly?

This is entirely untrue. An adult does not habitually react like a child regardless of how they are treated. Consider your behaviour carefully.

I see other girls who are happy my age and have it all together but I don't seem to have the first notion of where to start.

Respectfully this is immature thinking on your part. These other girls may not "have it all together" in the way you think, and by judging them in this way you are inhibiting your own growth because you perpetuate the fantasy in your own head that happiness is about physical appearance and external achievement. I know many men and women who would appear to have great lifestyles (physically attractive, smart, good careers, relationships, etc) but are internally very insecure and unhappy. Don't judge your own situation against these façades, because you will always appear to be second best.

Know your short-term and medium-terms goals. Write them down. Think about what actions you need to take in the short and medium term to reach those goals, and stick to that plan. The plan should include how you regain your physical fitness, get the points you need from your LC, and how you speak to your parents. Review your plan each week to ensure you are still following it. Don't try to change your life in a week; it takes months and maybe even years. You have not failed in life at all, you have simply failed to plan properly, and you can fix that today!

Be at peace,


Z

Neyite

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