The whole marriage thing

LegacyUser

Hoping some of you can help shed some light or advice on this. Long post, Im sorry!

Going out with OH 8 years. No kids, living together for 3 years. Had 'the talk' a few times, most recently about 8 months ago when I had a bit of a freak out thinking 'christ Im 30, no hosue, no kids, no savings, no plan etc'. Took advice fomr good old boardsies that maybe he didnt quite realise or was thinking about the bio clock etc, So I told him, over a glass of wine, no stress, few tears, hugs and all good. He has always said he'd like to get married and he raised the issue when I spoke about savings etc. So that's okay.

But, he is sadly anti-wedding. For a long time he has been; hates the fuss, hates the waste of money, isnt religious (fine by me, my family are very, but Im willing to forgo that), thinks the whole thing is an absolute ridiculous spend. Im not traditional, nor have I dreamt of a white wedding since I was a kid. But I would like something small to mark the occasion. Most of our friends are married or gettng married now, weddings vary from big white weddings to more quirky. I was a bridesmaid at one last summer, and had to minimise how much I spoke about it, because he'd scoff and say it was stupid (honestly, I barely spoke about it!). We have been invited to three this summer, but wont be going to any for a number of reasons, but I hadnt told him about the invites because I knew his reponse; anyways I told him in passing the other night and he said 'well Im not taking leave to go to weddings of people I dont know and went on about what a waste of money the invites were'. That is fair enough, I have gone to weddings of people I know, and that he might only know through me, but it's the attitude that crushes me.

I know that when the day comes he does ask me to marry him, it'll be with some condition that I dont speak about the wedding, and I am afraid I wont be able to 'enjoy' planning anything. I had hoped he might change his ways a little once a few close friends got married but no, he is as stubborn as nails. I know that many reading this will see this as petty, and it probably sounds like I go on and on about weddings but seriously, I go into a cold sweat if Dont Tell the Bride accidently comes on screen as he will give out about every little thing. Am I nuts to feel this way??

CaraMay

If you want to marry him just put up with it. It should be about the marriage and not just the day.

In saying that he needs to cop on and not scoff at things you are interested in. Tell him.

I think being afraid of your partner because a tv show comes on is pretty bad, tbh. Tell him to stop acting like a plank and that you're perfectly well aware of his feelings on the subject already

LegacyUser

Im not in fear, dont worry! I just get sick of his attitude towards marriage; it's not like Ive set a timer by a certain date we must be engaged; Ive known him for 12 years at this stage! Id just love him to have a little interest in something I have a interest in; either because a friend is getting exciting and Im helping/supporting. He genuinely just thinks that people's interest in a 'wedding; is all money making and waste of time, and doesnt see the need for all the fuss; which is understandable in one respect, but my idea of a 'wedding' has shrunk down so much that I know if I was planning one it'd be bare bones and just me. That's a bit sad to me

StillWaters

I don't see the issue, he is anti large traditional wedding, and you are happy to have a small ceremony. Have you actually talked about this, or is he under the impression you want a large traditional wedding?

LegacyUser

Nope, he isnt under the impression I want the whole shebang; Ive gone thru that. Ive said that altho I would like something small with some quirky additions, Im willing to compromise with a very small, non 'big event' wedding. Meal maybe after a registry office with close family, handful of friends. His ideal seems to be a ceremony and few drinks somewhere which is NOT what I would like at all, so we settled on even ground of a meal somewhere.

Bit I love admiring people's creativity in weddings, handmade/DIY things and making the day special but he thinks it's all a bit crap to be honest. God I sound more like I have a dream of a wedding than I thought, but I dont think it's much to ask

LegacyUser

OP my OH half is obsessed with this one band whom I'll be honest I'm not into. We have taken holidays overseas to follow this band on tour, we plan all our trips around this band touring. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen them live on top of listening to the CD's everyday at home. But I know how much it means to my OH so I've gone to the concerts, I've even bought a t-shirt and I get up and sing along with him. He is well aware I'm not a fan of this band and doesn't make me go to the concerts and does go to plenty of them on his own or with friends but if we go to say Paris for a week I don't mind spending 2/3 hours doing something I know he really enjoys even if it's not something I enjoy. I do get enjoyment in seeing him happy. Your OH may not like weddings or have interest in them but that doesn't give him the right to mock others over them.

I think there's something wrong in a relationship if you find yourself having to watch what you say in front of your OH. I often slag my OH over his obsession with this band but he knows I'm just messing with him. Going into a cold sweat because an ad for tv show comes on the telly and fearing your OH's reaction to it is not healthy. You need to sit down and have a talk about this. Tell him while your not obsessed with weddings you are interested in what is happening with your friends lives and that includes their weddings, he doesn't need to show an interest but he can't mock you for having one. If he keeps making comments then you need to assertive and ever time he makes a comment call him on it, there's surely something he is into that your not, ask him how he'd feel if you mocked it every time he talked about? And if you do get married tell him all he has to do is show up and look happy for a few hours and if can't manage that then you really need to reconsider your relationship.

ladygirl

HI Op
I think you are being a little unrealistic..
you say you have no house, no savings, no plan yet you are fantasising about a white wedding.. Yes you have said you would have a small ceremony yet you seem to feel a bit hard done by in having to settle for this..

Men don't simply flip out at programmes such as "Dont tell the bride" - so clearly he has also noticed a lot of your focus lately has been put on weddings.

Possibly this is part of your partners anguish in that he feels pressed into a wedding that he has no interest in having.. He sounds sensible in that he wants a marriage one day but only a simple affair. (one ye can afford by the sounds of it). its very easy to get pressured where finances are concerned and this may be the cause of his recent attitude.

You seem to be focusing too much on the "wedding" as opposed to the "marriage" (one being for a day - the other for a lifetime).

How about planning to open a savings account together. So that when the time does come around for ye, he might not feel so anxious and pressured..

LegacyUser

I know, I 'get into' stuff he gets into to support him, and rarely scoff at his hobbies rather try encorage them. But I think he sees weddings (and this separate from marriage) as a waste of people's investment and surely they could put more emphasis on other things of more worthwhile use. Thing is I can see his point, to a degree; Im not gonna spend 10k on a wedding when it could be a deposit on a house.
Ive asked him not to scoff at my friend's keeness and excitment, and he says everyone is entitled to their own opinion. He says fair enough to mine, but that it's not a good use of energy/time etc to be so consumed by one days plans and getting caught up in colours and seat covers and salmon or beef.
It's the attitude I agree, that im fed up of, and I have gotten more assertive but after a while the joy drifts out...there's meant to be fun in planning the little things, surely?

Apologies for my ranting, it just made me fed up last night flicking thru an article about DIY weddings.

LegacyUser

hi ladygirl; no to be honest as i said i dont want a white wedding, christ no! Nor can we afford anything! Happy with a small cermoney and a nce meal with family and handful of friends. But even that's squashed.

He's always been this way though. I dont put any pressure on him, as I say I mentioned the invites in passing, and prior to that I think the last wedding related sentence In said was 6 months ago at an actual wedding!

We have a joint savings account but that's pretty empty as we're not ono massive incomes.

Honestly, it is about the 'wedding'; we are comfortable about marriage, and I agree with him on so many points, but am stonewalled on anything I might like.

LegacyUser

Great idea about the savings account tho actually ladygirl, I think that's a healthy way of suggesting the topic. Thank you.

LegacyUser

Karen8 wrote: »

Im confused here, do you want marriage or wedding?

Wedding. And understanding of what I might like.

StillWaters

Karen8 wrote: »

Im confused here, do you want marriage or wedding?

Me too. So you are agreed you are having a small intimate wedding.
You are upset that he doesn't get excited about invites, flowers etc for this wedding? It's not his thing OP, it doesn't have to be. It's not most men's thing!

changeling

I really think you should forget all about weddings until he actually asks you to marry him....

LadyMayBelle

I think I get what the OP is saying. It's about her partners way and attitude as opposed to anything else. I imagine its a hard enough time with all your friends getting engaged and married, and your sharing in their excitement but secretly know you'll never have that because your man seems staunchly against anything wedding related be it flowers or wedding mags, whatever.
The issue isn't about marriage it's about helping the OP living with sucha negative attitude towards events that bring excitement and fun for a couple even for a few months.

It's a compromise sure, having a wedding but how much of a compromise is too much?

December2012

How is about your other interests?

Because it sounds like he's being rude, and weddings just happen to be the topic.

Why slag people off?

LadyMayBelle

Your thread title prob should say 'the whole wedding thing' as the marriage but seems grand

Merkin

changeling wrote: »

I really think you should forget all about weddings until he actually asks you to marry him....

My thoughts exactly.

OP are you sure that his vehement opposition to weddings is because he mightn't want to get married AT ALL or get married to you? You say you've been together eight years and you had a meltdown and yet has anything really been resolved since?I think you're being a bit premature about all of this when a proposal still hasn't actually been forthcoming.His refusal to discuss weddings would raise big red flags for me and suggest that he doesn't want any if it.

dannyc31

OP are you sure that his vehement opposition to weddings is because he mightn't want to get married AT ALL or get married to you? You say you've been together eight years and you had a meltdown and yet has anything really been resolved since?I think you're being a bit premature about all of this when a proposal still hasn't actually been forthcoming.His refusal to discuss weddings would raise big red flags for me and suggest that he doesn't want any if it

.

hmmmm but does this mean he doesnt want to actually settle down with her? i'm not so sure. i know plenty of couples who really just feel the whole wedding thing has become a money spinnner and a complete waste of 20k and alot more couples who were planning weddings and evenually the stress of it all got to them and so they decided to abscond abroad and just the two of them get married on a beach somewhere.

lets be honest, there is no man out there who likes a bridezilla and this man made it clear from the start that he doesnt believe in the ceremony of marriage so i dont think you can have an argument with him on that subject. it really sounds like it would go against his principles and if thats the case, no amount of peer pressure or seeing his friends marrying off is gonna change that. i always hear this thing from some women "i'd hope he'd change, or i'd though i could work on him and change him" is a ridiculously stupid and dangerous game to play with people. people are who they are and you shouldnt be looking to change them anyways, if so you are with the wrong person.

i think you might be more hung up on the wedding thing than you are letting on probably because you see all your friends getting married and it some how makes you feel that perhaps your own relationship is not quite complete. this is more of a self confidence thing than anything else, who cares what other people think or say about the fact you have been together so long and are'nt married. dont be fooled into thinking that all those couples married off are happily married as come back to them in 5 years and see how many are still together. i dont mean to be negative about it but it does annoy me too that its seen as some sort of failing if you didnt get married or dont want to get married. if i were you i'd be more concerned with do you see them as your life partner and will you be happy with this person for the next 10/20 years and forget about the big day.

lastly reverse psychology might work in this case if your other half is so stubborn about the whole marriage thing. what i mean is you should plant a seed that you are with him with the whole "weddings are a waste of money" and make him beleive that you are happy out to continue just cohabiting and totally agree with him on the issue. the reason i say this is because you are probably sending him lots of verbal cues without even realising that you are desperate to have the wedding soon. even by asking him to go to all these random weddings when you clearly know he hates the whole idea of them. this is only gonna cause him to entrench further and make him more unlikely to ever propose.

but on the other hand if he feels you are on the same wavelength as him, then in a year or so he might say to himself "do you know what, this girl is great, she gets me and i am gonna marry her and give her her big day out because its what she wants and i'm gonna do this to make her happy". studies have shown this is one of the key reasons why men marry the women they do, because as they put it, "she gets me, she's on my wavelenghth". its worth a try because the other approach will certainly not work.

lazygal

He sounds like a child.

Ok, now I'm going to try and be constructive. I've seen friends in your boat, going out years, hoping for 'the ring' and nada. It goes one of two ways, either the guy is given an ultimatum and they get engaged before this runs out or they split.


A 'wedding' is not the same as 'getting married'. I know, I did both. Our first day consisted of us going to the registry office with our parents as witnesses. Took five/ten minutes and the total cost was 150 quid. We went for a nice meal after, but that wasn't necessary. The price recently increased to 200 quid. So in Ireland all it takes to be married is ten minutes, two witnesses over 18 and 200 quid. Doesn't sound like THAT much hassle to me.

We then had a second 'big day'. We wanted the hooley and to celebrate with family and friends. I had the dress, we had the nice humanist ceremony, we had the meal, band, blah, blah, your standard Irish wedding. We had the money saved for it, we wanted it and a good time was had by all, probably helped by the free bar.

However, we discussed this before we went ahead with either day. I know my husband would have been perfectly happy with the first day, and if money and other circumstances had been different, I'd have been happy too. But it was important to me so we compromised on a few things and had a ball. I compromised on a few things for him too. That's what most relationships come down to compromise.

I would be concerned that he's using your desire to 'have a wedding' on whatever scale as a reason not to get married. That might not be the case, but I'd point out to him my first wedding, as described and costed. Give him something to think about. Being married isn't just about the wedding. On a boring practical level its about things like being jointly assessed for tax and maybe saving a few bob there, and being each other's next of kin in law, which can be very important and you never know what will happen, and succession
rights, and lots of other legal advantages. Also something to think about.

Neyite

He is protesting way too much.

I too have a partner who does not understand the fuss. He would like to get married to me someday, but thats only because I want us to be married at some point. He feels we have more commitment to each other having started our family. (emotionally maybe, but legally its not ideal)

Like you, I'm not one for a big day, but I do want a nice dress, our family around us for a lovely meal afterwards, and friends to join us for a few drinks after that. If I wanted to add a few frippery details to that, he would indulge me, because he loves me.

But he would never rant over a friends wedding, or get angry at a tv program. By the sounds of it, you wont even enjoy picking out a dress because you know you will get an earful when you get home, or have him insist that you get married on your lunchbreak because he wont take a day off for it, or he will baulk at the idea of you suggesting he buys himself something to wear for the day.

Whatever about the state of the resulting marriage, he is making the idea of the wedding ceremony miserable for you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so intolerant of other peoples preferences?

dannyc31

i think people are being quite harsh on this guy. the truth is most guys in private amongst their male friends feel exactly the same way about this stuff its just this guy is too foolish to realise you just keep that stuff to yourself. too foolish or too honest, either way men are not into weddings in the same way as women are. i have 4 male friends getting married soon and all of them just look at it from how much of an expense it is gonna cost them. its just not something men grow up dreaming about the same way women do.

i think you still need to make him understand that it would be very important to you to be married one day but being honest when you went into this relationship you knew his feelings on marriage and would of known he wasnt the marrying type but you stayed because as i said before you'd hope you could change him, which is kinda a selfish approach not to mention risky.

I've seen friends in your boat, going out years, hoping for 'the ring' and nada. It goes one of two ways, either the guy is given an ultimatum and they get engaged before this runs out or they split.

this is an incredible statement. are you actually saying in this day an age there are women literally threatening to break up a loving relationship if they dont get a ring on the finger? one question, why would any man want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who literally threatened him to the alter? if there is men in this day an age who have married under such circumstances they have absolutely no self dignity. i do know there was a time in the past when this would of been an approach as my mother once made a similar comment. but that was 50years ago, i'd hope we've advanced our thinking a little since then. to me for a woman to end things with a man because they dont get the ring is as shallow as a man ending things with a woman because she got fat or wont give oral sex.

are you really gonna jeopardize your whole relationship with your partner over this issue. if everything else is ok in the relationship and you want to stay with this guy then i would let this slide for now. especially until all the batch of weddings that are coming up pass because i think they are making him feel the heat.

lastly whats become more of a trend this days is that you'll notice that the bride on the alter already has 1 or 2 toddlers in hand. this being that many couples are choosing to cohabit and often pregnancy occurs planned or unplanned. the point is, often mens views on marriage change as soon as they have a child. all that legal stuff mentioned by a previous poster keeps cropping up and it would just make alot more sense to be ms. & mrs x. also its probably a pride thing that they have a little family and to complete it there other half should really be their wife and not just their long term girlfriend.

hfallada

If he doesn't want the fuss, cost and effort. Why don't you just go to the register office and have a meal afterwards. It's really popular in the us. Mark zuckerberg and a ton of others.

It makes the day about couple and not fuss associated with a wedding.

movingsucks

hfallada wrote: »

If he doesn't want the fuss, cost and effort. Why don't you just go to the register office and have a meal afterwards. It's really popular in the us. Mark zuckerberg and a ton of others.

It makes the day about couple and not fuss associated with a wedding.

They already decided to that

alprosoya wrote:

Im willing to compromise with a very small, non 'big event' wedding. Meal maybe after a registry office with close family, handful of friends. His ideal seems to be a ceremony and few drinks somewhere which is NOT what I would like at all, so we settled on even ground of a meal somewhere.

Bit I love admiring people's creativity in weddings, handmade/DIY things and making the day special but he thinks it's all a bit crap to be honest. God I sound more like I have a dream of a wedding than I thought, but I dont think it's much to ask

She just wants a little bit of effort to make it more than signing a paper and going for a pint (which is what he wants) without him grousing and being negative about it.
I don't think that's such a big deal to want that.

Neyite

dannyc31 wrote: »

i think people are being quite harsh on this guy. the truth is most guys in private amongst their male friends feel exactly the same way about this stuff its just this guy is too foolish to realise you just keep that stuff to yourself. too foolish or too honest, either way men are not into weddings in the same way as women are. i have 4 male friends getting married soon and all of them just look at it from how much of an expense it is gonna cost them. its just not something men grow up dreaming about the same way women do.

Its a rare man who gives a monkeys about the hue of the flowers or bows on backs of chairs or that the invites match the napkins or whatever. But to rant and rave about it to the point you a) refuse to attend a friends wedding and b) intimidate your partner because something wedding-y comes on the TV is NOT normal behaviour.

Most men know that the details of a wedding are important to most brides and if the woman they love is one of those, they love them and within reason, agree to things on their big day that will make her happy.

wrote:

i think you still need to make him understand that it would be very important to you to be married one day but being honest when you went into this relationship you knew his feelings on marriage and would of known he wasnt the marrying type but you stayed because as i said before you'd hope you could change him, which is kinda a selfish approach not to mention risky.

This is good advice. However I get the impression from his extreme reaction that his agreement to marrying the OP at some point is lip-service and he doesnt mean it at all. And I do think she should seriously consider that he will never agree to marriage.

Nothing wrong with that by the way. But not if its stringing her along. Which I suspect he is.

wrote:

this is an incredible statement. are you actually saying in this day an age there are women literally threatening to break up a loving relationship if they dont get a ring on the finger? one question, why would any man want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who literally threatened him to the alter? if there is men in this day an age who have married under such circumstances they have absolutely no self dignity. i do know there was a time in the past when this would of been an approach as my mother once made a similar comment. but that was 50years ago, i'd hope we've advanced our thinking a little since then. to me for a woman to end things with a man because they dont get the ring is as shallow as a man ending things with a woman because she got fat or wont give oral sex.

I know several who were like this. I wouldnt say they were "threatened" but having been together for years, there was the understanding that marriage would follow, and the woman did indicate it was time to get engaged or she would cut her losses. It cant be compared to oral sex. For some, marriage is an important legal and romantic milestone in their relationship. It clarifies next of kin issues, guardianship of children, tax credits transferral etc. For some, its really important that their children are born within marriage. For others its not about any of that, but they want the commitment that they feel marriage provides.

wrote:

are you really gonna jeopardize your whole relationship with your partner over this issue. if everything else is ok in the relationship and you want to stay with this guy then i would let this slide for now. especially until all the batch of weddings that are coming up pass because i think they are making him feel the heat.

I would say thats the least of her concerns. His intolerance of weddings in general when they have nothing to do with him is indicative to me of problems down the line. What if he was intolerant of Gays to the point he refused to socialise when he knows a gay will be present, or ranted whenever a homosexual comes on TV - it would be seen as intolerant of others and unacceptable. That's what he does with weddings. Weddings FFS!

I know a lovely guy who had a huge aversion to a wedding, for anxiety reasons. But he loved his girlfriend and wanted to marry her. She, in turn respected the fact that even a tiny wedding with family would have his stomach in knots for the day and they both chose a day for them that they would both enjoy. They went off and got married abroad with two local witnesses and had their honeymoon in the same location. Fuss free and both of them had a wonderful day.

movingsucks

Actually OP, how does he feel about Christmas?
Does he think that's a waste of money too - tree, decorations, cards, lights, outfits for parties, turkey, crackers, office Kris kindle gifts, visiting people you wouldn't normally see, wrapping paper?
Stuff like that, would he care if none of that happened? Does he think that's all a waste of money too?
Does he complain if he "has to" go to friends birthday parties, 21st, 30th, 40th etc?

Lisha

Hi op

I've read this thread and a few things stand out for me

You want marriage which means a wedding of some kind and a life together (nothing wrong with that)
You see the sense in only having what you can afford as a wedding which is right

I fear he is avoiding the wedding in order to defer the marriage.

Him being so dismissive and cranky is his way of avoiding discussion of the future.

For your own sake I would question the sense In sharing your life with someone who takes such a negative view point to life. Such negativity is soul destroying .

I dislike the notion that men only get married to humour their women .
It is a commitment to share two lives that should be entered into joyfully By both parties,

Life is about celebrating the good times op, you deserved the chance todo so with being told its only a silly frippery.

Look at your life together and see can you see a future together that consists of ye both being happy not just you settling to keep him happy

Best if luck op, I truly believe you deserve to be happy
I wish you peace

dellas1979

Yeah-it sounds a little like he is burying his head in the sand. And the best form of defense is attack. I think there is a little more to this than just a different view of how ye should get married.

He hasnt even asked you yet, and you are reading wedding magazines?

seenitall

dellas1979 wrote: »

He hasnt even asked you yet

Agreed with others; what his behaviour is really telling you, OP, is that he isn't going to ask, either.

I think it's up to you to decide if you can live with this guy and no marriage, or you'd rather find someone who is on the same page as you.

This man is just stringing you along IMO.

Lisha

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yeah-it sounds a little like he is burying his head in the sand. And the best form of defense is attack. I think there is a little more to this than just a different view of how ye should get married.

He hasnt even asked you yet, and you are reading wedding magazines?

To be fair though in 2013 is it so totally up to the guy to ask ?
I just don't understand that view point .
(I agree with the first paragraph of your post by the way)

Surely each part of a couple has a say in how a relationship progresses.

But if the op s partner is adverse to marriage then the op needs to decide If she wants to stay in such a relationship.

dellas1979

Lisha wrote: »

To be fair though in 2013 is it so totally up to the guy to ask ?

No, but noone has actually asked anyone anything!

LegacyUser

gosh, thanks for all the replies, really given me food for thought.

For the record; I am NOT reading wedding magazines, DTTB is something i watch when Ive a night in for myself, along with other trashy telly which is harmless! I had read an article in a magazine about DIY weddings.

I dont think at this stage in my life or in our relationship, the topic of marriage should be postponed until 'he asks me'. We are 30 and going out 8 years! I wouldn't have spent this much time in relationship if we didn't love each other and are committed to each other. I really really do not believe he is stringing me along.

I think the poster 'movingsucks' hit the feeling exactly.

We will get married someday. That's fine, talked about it, no time limit, Im not that bonkers! But I know that when it comes to a 'wedding', it's a bit awkward (Neyite hit the nail on the head here). Id love to get dressed up for the day, even if the dress is just one from debenhams and not even a wedding dress and get a little excited maybe about a bunch of flowers or invites...maybe it's sad, (he would prob say so!). But I fear id be on my own getting excited about it. Be I 35 or 55 when i get married!

I do agree that guys get a bit freaked; I DO NOT talk endless about marriage and weddings/have books open and watch wedding programmes; the only wedding things i do that he sees are perhaps comment on a friends engagement ring photo on facebook, or for example, I said how I stayed later at work because a few of us were chatting to a new girl who wanted to show us some ideas she had for her wedding. I just said it as normal as i would say 'I got milk from the shop', but he was like 'god it's only a wedding jeez why do people get so caught up etc'.

He likes xmas alright, and a degree of the excitement decorations.

I know it sounds so silly and people are saying why do i feel like this when i havent even gotten engaged. But as I say it isn't like Im in a short term relationship and fantasizing about the future. Im kinda living it and would like to plan, even if it is 20 a week aside in a jar!

Thanks again, he's a good lad really

dannyc31

I stayed later at work because a few of us were chatting to a new girl who wanted to show us some ideas she had for her wedding. I just said it as normal as i would say 'I got milk from the shop'

ya see OP he would not pick it up as just small talk and instead see it as dropping hints. i know you were'nt but it would be like you telling him all that time that you absolutely hate going to a certain restaurant and him bringing up in conversation that his mates or his family were at that restaurant the other night and loved it. its not intentional its just how we pick up signals and cues. if we've attached a negative association with something then any discussion of that subject will just automatically produce a negative response. i think its known as "priming" when done in reverse to try get a positive association.

anyway it does seem to me that you both really care about each other, i dont believe he is stringing u along whats so-ever. its just the way he is and if you're with him 8years you have accepted him for who he is, flaws an all. but seriously just be prepared that there is men out there who simply dont want to ever get married and i dont just mean george clooney.

i was actually gonna ask your ages, which makes even more sense now that you say you're both 30. sure thats when most of us are expected to marry off and alot of our friends are doing exactly that. i'm sure anytime he is asked about his relationship with you and the length of time together, he gets teased about getting the ring on the finger soon. social pressure can force people to do this, but in his case because he is so stubborn and anti marriage, its just causing him frustration.

if i were you i would just continue to put the marriage thing on the back foot, it may happen in a couple of years if he comes round. maybe instead as i said bring up the idea of starting a family one day. i presume you both want that? if he reacts in a negative way to the idea of starting a family one day, then that would sound a few alarm bells.

movingsucks

The next time he says "why do people get so caught up" I would shrug and say "sure why does anyone do anything" in a light hearted way. You might even get a laugh out of him. You can elaborate if you like - I personally don't understand why grown men weep over soccer games played by people representing UK Cities they've never even been to, that's one example, different people care about different things.
If "Don't Tell the Bride" comes on and he's giving out say "well aren't you lucky you don't have to worry about a wedding like that?" in a genuine , non bitchy way or "ah it's funny to see people get so worked up over this kinda thing" (the people in the show not him!)
If he really doesn't want to go to your friends weddings go without him and have a laugh with your friends.

If, down the line, you are bringing up the idea of a wedding celebration again , use Christmas as an example. You're just celebrating an event that's special, it doesn't have to be all table plans, candy carts and thousand euro dresses. Its a small gathering of friends and family, buy your nice dress from Debenhams or wherever sure he'll see you and think you look gorgeous in it. If he's not interested in DIY invites or the like you can just do them with a friend and have a bit of fun. If he moans or grouses at you about it you could just say "it's a bit of fun for our loved ones what's the harm in it?" Put your 20 Euro in a jar and have a nice meal.

meeeeh

In fairness how could you not give out about programes like 'Dont tell the bride.'

You are complaining that he doesn't appreciate how much this means to you. And he would probably complain how you attach way too much importance to one day. In the end you'll have to decide if disagreement is about the whole life together or just about one day. If it's just about one day then sit down (when you actually decide to get married) and find out where and how much you are prepared to compromise. For now, tell him to stop whining when whatever program is on and you enjoy watching or when discussing other people's wedding plans. If you lasted that long together you should be able to say that much and he should respect your wishes. On the other hand you should keep in mind that money spent for wedding could be used for a baby room or whatever you will need long term. We all dream of different things and even meeting a man of your dreams dies not necessary mean a wedding of your dreams. We all have to prioritize and compromise.

Btw, I might be more on your partners wave length. My first thought after reading about staying after work to discuss somebody's wedding ideas was: why the hell would anybody want to do that. Not all of us share your enthusiasm about weddings and you can't force somebody to be excited about the process. That doesn't mean though that he is not excited about spending his life with you. I think it's evident from my post that I'm not overly mad about getting married but that doesn't mean that I love my partner any less.

MaroonAndGreen

Think its a bit dramatic to say hes only saying he doesnt want any kind of ceremony cos he doesnt want to get married at all!

Merkin

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Think its a bit dramatic to say hes only saying he doesnt want any kind of ceremony cos he doesnt want to get married at all!

I don't. Actions speak louder than words. Until he proposes and shows he wants to marry her I wouldn't presume anything.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us you are now 30 years old and going out with him for 8 years.
I am sure that your friends/family have asked you or made a comment about you and him and when will you get married.

I would think long and hard about how long you are going to stay in this relationship.
I would start to put some money aside without telling him that you are doing this. If he is not chatting in a serious way about both your futures within the next 6 to 12 months I would tell him that it is over. You should not give up your dreams to get married or having a family if this is important to you.
I know several couples who got married with out having the big Irish wedding but after 8 years of being together your partner should realise that marriage is important to you.
At this stage you should be chatting about this, saving money and making long term plans.
If you decide to end the relationship I would tell him the reason why and that you are not going to put your life on hold any longer when you wait for him to grow up.

dannyc31

If he is not chatting in a serious way about both your futures within the next 6 to 12 months I would tell him that it is over. You should not give up your dreams to get married or having a family if this is important to you.

the problem is that is unlike dreaming of being a ballet dancer or an astronuaut when we grow up, which are aims and goals that we can set as an individual essentially in control of our own destiny, finding the person we will evenaully want to settle down with is completelyl out of our control because there is a second person involved, in this case namely the man.

we can not shape and adjust someone to fit our image of the dream we always wanted, its selfish and self defeating. if the only aim was to find someone to marry us then yes break up with him, he may be a good guy but there are plenty of needy men out there who would marry you and have kids with you in a heart beat. you might end up with 30years of unhappiness but at least you'd be married.

i dont think i'm using exaggerated cases here either, i know plenty of people who have done this and just put on a show when around friends and family, them being happy in the know that they are unhappy.

If you decide to end the relationship I would tell him the reason why and that you are not going to put your life on hold any longer when you wait for him to grow up.

i dont see exactly where her life is on hold. the relationship is good, he has'nt not asked her or said he never wants to get married and once you establish that he is commited to you and does want a family then i dont see where anything is on hold. to suggest that a couple who are happily cohabiting is any less a couple than a couple who spent 20k on a wedding is ridiculous. there are plenty of couples out there who go on to buy the house have the family and are perfectly happy which is really what it comes down too. are you happy in this relationship with this man? if the answer is yes, then you need to only find out is he commited to you long term bar having the ceremony i.e. buying the house and starting a family, everything else as i said is social pressures on how our society wants us to live and accepts we do this and that. be your own person and look into yourself and see what is right for you and nobody else not friends not family, but yourself.

if after that you cant get past the idea of never having a wedding one day well thats your choice too, you may be throwing away the best relationship you had but on the other hand it might be best choice you ever made, noone here can tell you to end it with him or not, only you can decide that.

LadyMayBelle

Agreeing with dannyc31 here; and feel the point has been missed by a few posters; it's about the attitude moreso than anything, esp when he has said a few times he would like to be married and have a family, which I beleive he does!

giving him an ultimatum of 6-12 months seems harsh! I woudl prob still put a few bob away myself tho!