35, alone, ex-issues

LegacyUser

Ok. Finally I'm going to take the first step to dealing with this, because clearly I'm not on my own.
Broke up with girlfriend of 3 years when I was 30, around 5 years ago (we will call her A). We were very close, but I ruined it because of jealousy and immaturity - wanting to play the field, not letting things go, obsessing, behaving like a fool, being a boy generally. She was a great girlfriend but had issues too like desperately wanting me to get her pregnant and behaving a little jealously too sometimes, not to mention moving on quickly once we ended.
Anyway, I have slept with a lot women in the past 4 years, including dating a girl for 4 months last year. I honestly have thought about A nearly every day in the past 5 years. Something has always stopped me from taking the plunge and asking her back.
She is happy now I think and has been with someone for 3 years. I would feel terrible if I disrupted that.
On Valentines, I had a text message ready to send but couldnt press the button. Its the same hesitance I've had about her since we split. For the past 4 nights running I have had dreams about her, last night it was driving with her and a follow on dream of doing DIY with her Father. The first night I dreamt we were together but woke up with stomach pain almost in tears because I wanted so much to be back in the dream with her. In fact sometimes it gets me to sleep at night if I think about when I was with her. I understand this could all be a result of obsessing about her.
To cut it short, I loved her so much and external crap ruined us, now 5 years on I am thinking we could work. But I have a hesitance inside of what if, such as what if I meet someone else and fall inlove. Admittedly I have 3 crushes at the moment on other women I know, one is 23 years old (just started going out with someone) and we get on like a house on fire, another is 24 (single and thinks I'm an idiot, knows well of my intentions, reminds me of my ex), and the other is 29 (high maintenence type, ex-model, seems to be willing to date me, but I consider her out of my league, I also concede I suffer from extremely low confidence). You see I am hoping someone reading this will see the wood for the trees and lay it on me... I'm pushing on now at 35 and would love to settle and have kids. Some other facts you should know - Girlfriend A was my first serious relationship ever, she is not a supermodel but can be in my eyes sometimes. The other 3 are very good looking, I've been told I'm good looking yet any women I ever approach are complete bitches to me, such as last Sat night I innocently asked a girl something and she just looked the other direction saying 'I don't care' repeatedly - kinda knocks the tiny bit of confidence you might have scraped together.
So if you've read this much, I really appreciate it, would love to hear from guys that bit older, 30's, who might be able to point me in the right direction. I don't really have any friends that I could talk to about this kind of thing.

magoko101

You say she has moved on.... if you cared about her then I assume you would want her to be happy in her new relationship.
Is it just a case of a bit of a midlife crisis and things not planning out as you had hoped in your life in general? That you are looking back on this ex as a time when you had an idea of where you wanted to be etc and want to be back there rather than back with this ex?

Boombastic

You feel you are now ready to settle down and have children. The reason you are obsessing about being with A (IMHO) is because at the time you were with her, she wanted children and you are yearning for what could have been a chance to have children/settle down.

There are plenty of other girls out there, you just need to find the right one. The dream and the reality are very often very different things.

CaraMay

You contradicted yourself - external 'crap' didn't ruin it, your jealousy and immaturity did.

She wanted to settle down and you wanted to play the field. What has changed other than you now want to settle down but your grading of the 3 girls leads me to think you are still immature?

How do you know she is happy? Are ye still in touch?

LegacyUser

Sounds like you're just hoping she'll be there as an easy option, you're losing your confidence with other women, especially the way that girl spoke to you the other night, maybe you wont be as successful as you were hoping in playing the field, so your ex-girlfriend is looking like a handy option for you now.
You sound really immature for your age to be honest, stroking your own ego and grading these other women, your crushes. Describing your ex as "no supermodel". To be honest, the way you speak about women is a quite disrespectful, you'd expect it from a teenager, not so much a grown man.
You talk about wanting to settle down and get with her again, but you're still in the same mind-frame as before, you've said it yourself, "what if I meet someone else and fall in love".
So she's happy and in a relationship the last three years. So if you have any ounce of respect, you'd leave her be. Go work on yourself, your attitude to women, and maybe you'll meet someone nice.

ahnow

It's really interesting that you fault your ex-girlfriend for moving on swiftly after you dumped her. It sounds like you wanted her to grieve and pine over you even though you wouldnt give her what she wanted, wouldnt commit to her and behaved the way you behaved. Perhaps you should look at why you really want her back, and consider it your ego talking rather than feelings that would actually make you happy, because from the outside it looks like you want what you cant have, and when you have it, its not good enough, you can do better, and you throw it away.

LegacyUser

Well, you all make very valid points. All of those things are happening. I can be a real mess mentally sometimes. Low confidence, a desperation crying out to be loved, ego needing reassurance. The ex used to make me feel so good inside when she would tell me she loved me and gave me big hugs.. never felt as good.
Something happened though that I reckon I've dealt with but should mention, when we were on a break then just getting back together, she pretended to be going on a girls weekend away and instead spent a dirty weekend with some fella she had seen before again when we were arguing and on a small break. Unknown to me I met her at the airport with flowers and we got back together. Then I got suspicious and I stupidly went into her email and put two and two together and emailed him (as her) asking about all the details, and got them. I was in absolute shock and wish I never found out. It's something I deeply regret and has left deep emotional scars. She lied to me so easily, yet in the blink of an eye told me how much she loved me. She really had done nothing wrong, maybe could have been more honest with me but knew she would lose me if she was. It was just a **** situation that we never recovered from. Total breakdown. We really had so much going for us, we were a perfect fit.
On the one hand I know I need to improve, sometimes I can be great, other times not, seems to be when my confidence is up or down... and maybe like you guys say then things will come together properly, but I can't help but think that when I do improve and get much better, I will have missed the boat towards making amends with her and getting it right. What do I do though, she used to call me an ego maniac and that I just wanted to hear her say she loved me again... how do I address that and stop it and improve...am I sick?... maybe I just haven't met the one yet that ticks every box...

desolate sun

"Low confidence, a desperation crying out to be loved, ego needing reassurance."

OP you really need to work on this yourself, before you go near ANY woman.
Nobody will cure these things for you.

What if you met a woman and she helped you with your confidence, loved you and eased your ego and then down the line, dumped you?
You would be back at square one, with low confidence and desperate.

Of course there are people who get into relationships like this, but the relationship isn't healthy.

You would be doing the best thing for yourself to sort yourself psychologically first.

Then when you can stand on your own, look for a woman. I think your time with this girl is over. She has moved on and is happy. You met her at the wrong time in your life. She wanted to settle, you wanted to play the field. Now that you've done that, you can't expect to go back and have her waiting for you. She's moved on.

I myself sometimes look back at old relationships and think, oh we would be a better fit now, because this has changed or that. But life isn't like that.
I was once told by someone that the men/women we meet in our life, shape us into the person we are now. And then we are ready for the person we end up with.

But OP please talk to a counsellor or something. Because you shouldnt be feeling desperate to be loved. It wouldn't be fair on a girl, if you wanted her to desperately ease this. You need to sort this out and then meet a girl.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I believe that you need to be happy with who and what you are along with what you can offer a partner when you meet them. You can not expect someone to come into life who will make things better for you without you making changes to your own life.
I know people who get into a rut and expected someone to come a long to change there life. No one wants to go out with someone who is needy.

Perhaps you have learned a few lessons in the past few years or maybe your finding out that woman in there 20's don't want to go out with you due to your age.
It time for you to realise that your ex has moved on but that you have moved on as well.
From every relationship we learn something. If you are serious about meeting someone to get married and have a family with you need to meet some one closer to you in age.
I would look up online for groups or organisations you could get involved in as you may meet a woman closer to your own age there.
I would also go to counselling to work on your own self esteem and to learn more about yourself. If you go to psihq.ie website you will find a counselling psychologist who could help you in this regard.

I don't think the relationship with A can be rebuilt - she has moved on and so should you.

If you are waiting for a girl to come along who ticks all the boxes you could be waiting quite a while - what do you do if she does come along and isn't available or interested?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

LadyLady, I think thats a reality check I need alright, I know well the girls I'm after are a silly chase. Its like I've been frozen in time while pining over the ex and suddenly I'm 35.
Actually I think I saw her earlier on a bike, but then again I think I see her everywhere. Miss her so much, never manned up and loved her like she wanted. Lifes a beach.
But how do I work on myself, my friends only ever ring me at 10pm on a saturday when they need someone to get ****faced drunk with. I must admit I do get quite lonely, maybe I should just start internet dating women I dont feel attracted to, to try to get some confidence back.
Any other suggestions on meeting someone? Or trying to get some self esteem? Why do I need to go on an internet forum praying that someone will say contact your ex and go live happily ever after, what the hell is wrong with me

magoko101

Go contact your ex.... not to ask her back but to hear how happy she is now.
This might provide you with some confirmation for what you may already know... that this is more about you and not her.

Boombastic

gottagettagateaux wrote: »

............. what the hell is wrong with me

Stop being so hard on yourself

Goldenlady

Op it sounds like you have just hit a lonely point in your life. I hate using Cliches, but how can you expect someone to love you if you dont love yourself!! You need to get more of a social life, try make new friends, through work? Sport? you cant just jump into a relationship because you are lonely.
I think the boat had well and truely sailed with your ex, you just havent met someone who you have had the same connection with - but maybe your defences are up and you need to just allow yourself fall in love again. You seem a little obsessed with looks - I know we all have to have an initial attraction, but doesnt mean it needs to be a super model type - being with someone like that will bring out your insecurities again.... you need to resolve these first.

Good luck and keep up the faith

GL x

Idle Passerby

I could be completely wrong here but I think you may have reached a point where you've had all the wild oat sowing fun, want something a bit more and feel you passed up your chance several years ago.

A was 5 years ago, she's been with someone else for years so its a bit arrogant to think you can lure her back to a relationship that doesnt sound like it was that great anyway. I think you need to set your bar for 'good relationship' higher than what you had with A.

If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, dont start by humming and hawing over a handful of girls who you casually fancy (some of which dont seem to fancy you back). Forget about a relationship that ended badly in the past, its over, there is no going back even if you want to. Figure out what you actually want from your life, fix what you can and stop living in the past.

mathproblem

That dream, driving along with her could be something about you carrying her along with you all these years in your memory. Also the phrase do-it-yourself isn't too much of a leap away from go-it-alone. I wonder have you developed yourself a bit of an obsession that you wont let go of & that's getting in the way of you moving on. If you free up that passenger seat next to you in that dream car there might be room for one of these new girls you meet to develop into something more real.

If you do decide you want to run it all by her one last time to make sure once & for all then don't do it on valentines day when your emotions are high. Imagine how awkward it would be when she's enjoying her day with her new beau & she gets an out of the blue declaration by text from a past flame. Or do, go charging in with some mad romantic gesture on a special day & either win the day and come out a hero or go back with a bloodied nose knowing once & for all it's time to get on with your life.