Can "nice" guys ever meet girlfriends?

LegacyUser

As in "nice" I mean a generally genuine person, not someone trying too hard to be so.

When I mean that I mean that I wouldn't rush to hold a door open for a girl, but I would do it in such cases that I'd look rude not to. Say if a girl was two steps behind me, in this case I would hold a door open because I have to.

I suppose my personal issue here is that I seem to be doomed to always play the "nice" guy whether in group situations or meeting people by themselves. I'm nearly 22 and never had a serious relationship, but I suppose that could be down to the fact I can't flirt for my life.

I know they always say you should flirt with a girl, see how she reacts etc to know if they're interested, but I really don't know how to other than casually joking with someone, which I can only do when something relevant comes up in conversation. And I don't want to make my flirting look forced either, since girls like guys who can be themselves and tbh I'm being myself if I just casually joke because most of the time I'm too shy to do anything more.

I'm not painfully shy though, I'm confident enough to become a friend they would see regularly. Sometimes I can be very quiet and other times engage really well with the group, again it all depends and I only speak when what I say is relevant, as I have made the mistake before of saying stupid things when there was no need to.

If anyone can enlighten me on what I'm doing wrong and how I could naturally improve that would be fantastic.

kjl

So are you saying that only assholes have girlfriends

I think you are a little naive here, the reason you are not meeting girls is because you are not putting yourself out there. The whole idea of nice guys finishing last has nothing to do with holding the door open. It's that guys will tend to pander to a girls opinions and agree with everything they say instead of having their own opinion. Girls like guys who are confident in who they are and what they believe. You can still be a nice guy, and have a gf

ElleEm

OP, nice guys can and do have girlfriends!

My boyfriend would be considered a "nice guy" by EVERYONE he meets. He is kind, polite and a real gentleman when it comes to women, (holding doors open, compliments, pays for stuff, gives up seats, etc.). He has never had any issues getting the girls!

I often think those girls who go for bad boys are looking for a project or are attracted to the drama or something. It is also a common misconception that this type of lad is the one who gets the girls. NONE of my friends would go for a "bad boy" type.
Be yourself, you will eventually attract a girl who appreciates the "niceness" in you.

Loreida

Just relax, keep being a nice guy and everything will fall into place. At 22 girls like "cooler" guys - I know I did. I liked guys in bands, trendy douchebags (a lot of them assholes). Now, at 28, I would LOVE a guy who opens the door for me. Nice guys eventually finish first, trust me, you're doing nothing wrong!

ShM

cann0t_flirt wrote: »

I suppose my personal issue here is that I seem to be doomed to always play the "nice" guy whether in group situations or meeting people by themselves. I'm nearly 22 and never had a serious relationship, but I suppose that could be down to the fact I can't flirt for my life.

I know they always say you should flirt with a girl, see how she reacts etc to know if they're interested, but I really don't know how to other than casually joking with someone, which I can only do when something relevant comes up in conversation. And I don't want to make my flirting look forced either, since girls like guys who can be themselves and tbh I'm being myself if I just casually joke because most of the time I'm too shy to do anything more.

I'm not painfully shy though, I'm confident enough to become a friend they would see regularly. Sometimes I can be very quiet and other times engage really well with the group, again it all depends and I only speak when what I say is relevant, as I have made the mistake before of saying stupid things when there was no need to.

If anyone can enlighten me on what I'm doing wrong and how I could naturally improve that would be fantastic.

Sounds alot like me haha always end up in the friend zone too quickly! I now try and just not be overly nice but not be ignorant or anything else either!
Seems to be the general thought of people who are too nice

ElleEm

ShM wrote: »

Sounds alot like me haha always end up in the friend zone too quickly! I now try and just not be overly nice but not be ignorant or anything else either!
Seems to be the general thought of people who are too nice

There is no such thing as "too nice". I can see how easy it is to be "friendzoned" if you are being nice and polite and aren't giving much of yourself to a situation. Make sure that you are still yourself when you are with people, whether that is being funny, smart, witty, etc. Being nice is just one element of your personality- let people see the other bits.

ShM

I always am myself, id never change to suit other people (really bugs me when people do that just to fit in), everyone says im too nice but i cant help it

ElleEm

ShM wrote: »

I always am myself, id never change to suit other people (really bugs me when people do that just to fit in), everyone says im too nice but i cant help it

Do you think they are saying it to brush you off?
Sometimes when people say it to people, it's cos they assume they are a pushover, or let people walk over them.

ShM

ElleEm wrote: »

Do you think they are saying it to brush you off?
Sometimes when people say it to people, it's cos they assume they are a pushover, or let people walk over them.

Ill be the first to admit I used to be a really big push over,not any more though now im just a nice guy who can say no if i want too :P

PerrDub

It's not about being a "Nice guy" it's about being confident and assertive, and not being a pushover. Make you intentions clear and push through that friendship barrier.
Don't be shy or a wallflower and girls will notice you...

John Mason

I am a genuinely person, as is my husband.


so of course "nice" guys can meet girlfriends and even *shock horror* wives.

You are only 22, just relax, enjoy yourself and it will all come together - eventually

kylith

To echo everyone else, it's not about whether or not your Nice, it's about confidence and assertiveness. You can hold open all the doors in the world, but it won't mean anything unless you tell her that you like her and ask her out. Sure, she might say no, but that's not the end of the world.

LegacyUser

OP im telling you it's so refreshing to hear a genuinely nice person like yourself, to be honest they are getting so few and far between. You are doing nothing wrong at all, girls love a guy who really listens, is not a smart ass, not trying to be funny all the time, and just really genuine. I absolutely hate guys trying to chat you up being all cocky and throwing in the little snide remark/insult to try and undermine you, do that pua thing. Be confident and genuine and I assure you will have a girlfriend in no time.

Overheal

kjl wrote: »

So are you saying that only assholes have girlfriends

I think you are a little naive here, the reason you are not meeting girls is because you are not putting yourself out there. The whole idea of nice guys finishing last has nothing to do with holding the door open. It's that guys will tend to pander to a girls opinions and agree with everything they say instead of having their own opinion. Girls like guys who are confident in who they are and what they believe. You can still be a nice guy, and have a gf

This.

I found that, you never really warrant attention until you stop being shy of putting your opinion out there. "The Nice Guy" is the guy who is always trying to please everybody so he's not really being honest with anyone, or at least he doesn't appear to be doing so on the surface. You can't be afraid to honestly say "I ****ing hate this" and mean it. I'm not sure when it happened but frankly I'm just not afraid to piss someone off just because they don't like what I have to say. I'm not trying to offend them, but if they are going to get pissy, it's their problem.

work in retail. :rolleyes:

It's not even about being an asshole or anything either, even as a perception, don't get me wrong: like everyone else is saying, it's all about not being afraid to be confident in your own skin, which just usually means you'll wind up disagreeing with someone at some point :P If you're a nice guy (and I am) that's still going to be obvious, but don't try so hard to please everyone to the point that you're compromising with yourself.

CaraMay

Some girls want only bad guys but would you really want one of those girls - they must have a screw loose to inflict that upon themselves.

All sane girls want a nice guy so don't panic. Enjoy getting to know girls and when you meet someone you genuinely click with the flirting will follow.

Asbury Park

Overheal wrote: »

It's not even about being an asshole or anything either, even as a perception, don't get me wrong: like everyone else is saying, it's all about not being afraid to be confident in your own skin

+1 OP, I would consider myself a nice guy and there are times when I've gone out of my way to impress a girl only for her to think (probably) does he actually have his own opinions? Nice people don't finish last, but people who lack confidence do. Any time I've ever ended up in the friendzone, for instance, instead of letting it dent my confidence I've thought about the times I friendzoned girls. That way, I don't see things as being so set against me. I'm not saying you feel sorry for yourself, OP, but confidence and assertiveness are important, for everything in life, not just relationships.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all the posts people.

I'm starting to think now it might be because I try to "impress" girls, and perhaps agreeing with everything someone says (just so they can think we agree on a lot, thus have much in common) is not such a good idea.

I'll try and voice my own opinion any time I do disagree, and maybe never shy away from seeing girls I like (on the train, outside lectures in college, whatever its happened before).

Being confident and assertive is the key, so I'll go with that and hope they still see me as somewhat distinctive from other guys (as I know to get girls you need to stand out among all the other competition).

Asbury Park

cann0t_flirt wrote: »

Being confident and assertive is the key, so I'll go with that and hope they still see me as somewhat distinctive from other guys (as I know to get girls you need to stand out among all the other competition).

:rolleyes:OP there is no competition, relationships/asking people out etc. is not a game. Just be confident, emphasise your good points (we all have them) and don't overthink about other people, whether it's the girl you like or the "competition." I don't think I've ever gone into a situation with a girl thinking "I wonder what the other guy(s) she fancies is/are like and how do I stack up against them?"

A lot of guys seem to have a martyr complex and blame their own failings on the fact that 'girls like pr*cks'. I don't go for mean guys and neither do any of my friends. My boyfriend and my friends' boyfriends are all lovely. Just be yourself. Women aren't idiots and pick up on someone fake/trying too hard a mile away. If you're nice, friendly and genuine, it will get picked up on.

Elmer Blooker

of course nice guys meet girlfriends but women tend to get bored quicker with a nice guy than a bad boy/rogue type.
It's the nice guys who tend to get the "....... I need my space... not ready for a relationship" treatment.
This is the polite way of saying "you're boring!"

LegacyUser

I guess this is the reason why I need to be confident and assertive, because being able to engage with a group, and girls requires going beyond that "Yeah", "Aw crap" or "Aw cool" response to whatever happens.

It doesn't happen that often, but the odd time I can be left as the quiet one in a group for ages, and the odd time I can be the most talkative.

This is the reason I feel the need for competition, but other times it might just be when I get to know a girl I should ask her out before anyone else does period.

ibarelycare

OP it doesn't sound like you're not having luck with girls because you're a "nice" guy. Men are constantly using that excuse these days, putting the blame on women, saying that they're too "nice" to find a girlfriend, girls prefer "bad" boys, etc. That's complete crap. From what you're saying, you lack confidence and probably come across as a bit dull when you're just agreeing with everything that someone is saying. The problem doesn't lie with the girls who you think don't like you because you're too nice (FWIW your example of how you were a "nice" guy in your OP is a bit lame. Opening a door for a girl who is two feet behind you doesn't make you a nice guy. That's just common manners, I would hope you would do that for anyone who was standing behind you, man or woman). The problem lies with you. You hit the nail on the head in your last post where you said you need to be more confident and assertive. It's absolutely something you need to work on. Try your best to step out of your comfort zone and put on an "act" that you're confident and talkative. Before long hopefully it will stop being an act and you will feel like that.

Oh and you shouldn't be competing with other guys. The girl isn't necessarily going to say yes to the first guy who asks her out just because he's the first one to do it. That's not how it works. It's about getting to know people, don't be putting needless additional pressure on yourself.

Orlaithface

My boyfriend of four years is most definately a 'nice' guy so yes, you have all the chances in the world. My opinion is to not try too hard. Speak to girls like they're a friend. Don't try too hard to impress. Just relax and half fun. I cant speak for all girls but I go for a lad who is nice and friendly, likes having a laugh, and is respectful. So smile and enjoy yourself. Don't overthink it and it will happen for you.

Bit of a cliche but it was true for me, love happens when you aren't looking for it.