Can't get the James Bulger case out of my mind

jimb0

Hi,
I don't know if I should post this here, I don't want this thread to go off topic - but here goes.
Ever since last week hearing on the radio James Bulger's Dad Ralph and the subsequent headlines as
this tragedy is 20 years old now - I can't get it out of my head.

I have almost been in tears over this and I have known about it since it happened when I was 14 - then I thought
it was terrible but I didn't take it so personally.
The difference is now I have a 14 month old son - and I know this is the reason, but to be honest it has knocked
me for 6...

I'm not on a rage over the killers - I don't want to waste time over those 2, I didn't even want to post this
because I don't want to upset people.
What breaks my heart over this is the fear that kid must have felt, and his parents have to live with that - his father
can't get over that he wasn't there to save him and that he would have been calling out for his parents..

And I'm thinking I am projecting my own kid on this , but I don't think so, I mean I KNOW it's because I'm a parent,
but I dont get upset because I imagine it's my son - I still think of James.

And I didn't know him, why get so caught up in this ?

I was reading about Baby P - and its awfull but am able to shut that story out, so why not this one?

I was thinking it is some other sadness in my life getting mixed with this - this is one of the ways depression starts - so I've read
but I really don't think so, life is pretty good at the moment at home, at work.

I don't know what I'm looking for here in terms of answers, but any advice is appreciated, I was thinking of giving a donation to childline,
just to make myself feel better, it's pathetic really , it's not gonna bring the kid back, but hopefully can help others.

Thanks

Dtp79

jimb0 wrote: »

Hi,
I don't know if I should post this here, I don't want this thread to go off topic - but here goes.
Ever since last week hearing on the radio James Bulger's Dad Ralph and the subsequent headlines as
this tragedy is 20 years old now - I can't get it out of my head.

I have almost been in tears over this and I have known about it since it happened when I was 14 - then I thought
it was terrible but I didn't take it so personally.
The difference is now I have a 14 month old son - and I know this is the reason, but to be honest it has knocked
me for 6...

I'm not on a rage over the killers - I don't want to waste time over those 2, I didn't even want to post this
because I don't want to upset people.
What breaks my heart over this is the fear that kid must have felt, and his parents have to live with that - his father
can't get over that he wasn't there to save him and that he would have been calling out for his parents..

And I'm thinking I am projecting my own kid on this , but I don't think so, I mean I KNOW it's because I'm a parent,
but I dont get upset because I imagine it's my son - I still think of James.

And I didn't know him, why get so caught up in this ?

I was reading about Baby P - and its awfull but am able to shut that story out, so why not this one?

I was thinking it is some other sadness in my life getting mixed with this - this is one of the ways depression starts - so I've read
but I really don't think so, life is pretty good at the moment at home, at work.

I don't know what I'm looking for here in terms of answers, but any advice is appreciated, I was thinking of giving a donation to childline,
just to make myself feel better, it's pathetic really , it's not gonna bring the kid back, but hopefully can help others.

Thanks

It's totally natural to feel what your feeling over such a tragedy. Youre human, and it will effect some different than others probably parents more so

RossFixxxed

Sometimes, if you are feeling that things are a little out of your control, I tend to fixate on something like this. Some horrible story that has a similar underlying fear as you are feeling.

I can't say what may be going on with you that might cause this. However, I wouldn't jumps straight into diagnosing yourself with depression etc.

People feel empathy for others in these horrible sitations, and that is perfectly normal. If this is impacting on your day to day life then maybe something has gone wrong and you need to see someone about this.

thecapedcanine

Hi OP
Im sort of in the same situation as you, although its not really having an impact on my daily life, its just that if I read something online about it, or hear in mentioned then I get very very sad about it.
Ive actually shed a few tears for this little toddler that I didnt know that died 20 years ago. I just cant help thinking about how scared he must have been.
I shouldnt have read some of the accounts, especially the ones quoting the actual killers as James did cry that he wanted his Mummy. That sent me into a bit of a spin and I had make myself stop reading any more and try to move on.
I suppose the fact that Im a mother to my own little boy whos just under two years old that is making it really strike home very deeply that a little toddler not much older than my lad was taken away from his Mum in this terrible way.
I suppose we can all learn a lesson that it only takes a second for something terrible to happen and that if you are out with your child hold on tight to their hand.
Give your own little child lots of hugs and try to realise that its normal to feel sad and empathy for James and his family and try to move on for your own peace of mind.
James's Mum is quite inspirational and has created a charity to help children of abuse in James's name so he will never be forgotten.
Anyway OP what youre feeling is normal, just try to take a step back from it. take care.

ennis81

I understand how you feel, it made me so sad myself, the James Bulger story was horrific mainly because of how he was killed and the fact that he was murdered by two children, the cctv footage of them leading him away in the shopping Centre still gives me a chill when I see it.
Children are dying all over the world in horrific circumstances every day and as a parent and a human it will affect you but you can't shoulder every problem in the world, you'll worry yourself to death!!
Take care

jimb0

thecapedcanine wrote: »

Ive actually shed a few tears for this little toddler that I didnt know that died 20 years ago. I just cant help thinking about how scared he must have been.
I shouldnt have read some of the accounts, especially the ones quoting the actual killers as James did cry that he wanted his Mummy. That sent me into a bit of a spin and I had make myself stop reading any more and try to move on.
.

ennis81 wrote: »

I understand how you feel, it made me so sad myself, the James Bulger story was horrific mainly because of how he was killed and the fact that he was murdered by two children, the cctv footage of them leading him away in the shopping Centre still gives me a chill when I see it.
Children are dying all over the world in horrific circumstances every day and as a parent and a human it will affect you but you can't shoulder every problem in the world, you'll worry yourself to death!!
Take care

Thanks all so much for the replies! .


@thecapedcanine - exactly, it was reading this account that got me really upset about it - I was on the phone with my Mam last night and I just broke down over it - I don't want to involve my wife she is quite sensitive and doesn't need to know about this case.

@ennis81 - True point, we can't but the strange thing is I can detach myself (as mentioned in the OP) from other horrible stories but for some reason this has gotten stuck in my head - maybe he more then other kids reminds me of my son or myself even ? it's complicated.



However after letting it out last night I feel a lot better and when i get stuck thinking about him I try to think of him as a happy playful lad as he was before this horrible day.

Also I am keeping away from related media to this case.

Next pay day I will be donating money to that charity and childline ...

MelanieD

Hello OP,

I have a 5 month old boy and have found myself in tears when thinking about this horrific story. Even though I try not read too much details about the gruesome murder, the other day I found myself drawn to Ralph Bulger's book in the shop. The consolation I get from this is that both parents have moved on with their own lives and have able to bring more children into a world which, at times, can be cruel and unjust. I live in hope that one day those monsters will get what they deserve.

KeefF

Hi Op,
I don't have kids but have lots of nephews and reading about this case has always really upset me too. Particualrly the thought of what he went through, the fear etc. It's human nature I suppose?

looksee

We are designed in such a way that anything baby connected has a strong effect on us, especially if we have small children of our own. That is why the whole lol-cat / squee stuff is so popular, and why cartoons and anime are made with big eyes and large heads, we have been programmed to react in a caring and nurturing way to small children.

As with any of these things occasionally the effects are a bit extreme and you respond a bit excessively to something that does not make sense to you. I can recall a time when I would respond in a ridiculous way to some of the more over-the-top sentimental songs about abandoned children and so on. It irritated me as I knew that it was just a cynical bit of song writing that was designed to get me going. I am now past that phase of my life and it doesn't happen any more - though I still find lol-cats cute!

tl:dr this is normal and not something to worry about, a bit irritating if you are being totally logical about it, but just part of your stage in life at the moment!

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

CarMe

Hi OP,
i know exactly how you feel. When that little two year old in China got run down (Yue Yue) and was left in the road being passed by by people and traffic it absolutely devastated me. I mean I really grieved for that little girl and am actually welling up writing this remembering it, I thought about her day and night and thought how she must have wondered why nobody was helping her, thinking how my own daughter is so loved and protected but this poor little baby wasn't being looked after! So strange and other cases upset me, naturally in a more normal way, but this just blew me away. I have a little girl myself and perhaps when this happened I was feeling a bit blue I don't really know but you're definitely not on your own!

Neyite

Its hard enough to stomach a child suffering at the best of times but I found it hit me far worse since I had my own baby. I was in bits over Baby P, and had to avoid reading in-depth about the Bulger anniversary as it would upset me for the day.

I think a donation to Childline is a good idea, or if you couldnt afford it, to donate time to fundraise for a childrens charity, or volunteer (but you may need Garda clearance for that) Why not? Everything helps.

jimb0

CarMe wrote: »

Hi OP,
i know exactly how you feel. When that little two year old in China got run down (Yue Yue) and was left in the road being passed by by people and traffic it absolutely devastated me. I mean I really grieved for that little girl and am actually welling up writing this remembering it, I thought about her day and night and thought how she must have wondered why nobody was helping her, thinking how my own daughter is so loved and protected but this poor little baby wasn't being looked after! So strange and other cases upset me, naturally in a more normal way, but this just blew me away. I have a little girl myself and perhaps when this happened I was feeling a bit blue I don't really know but you're definitely not on your own!

Thats amazing , I mean ... that story while it is tragic, I could distance myself from it , I guess it's cos you have a little girl , I have a little boy and somehow I must be projecting little James on him ... I don't know it's complex - cos when i feel sad I feel for James - not for my son -

but then again, when my son cries lately I feel sad cos I imagine James
and when he laughs I feel guilty - or sad that poor James wont laugh again.

So its definetely connected with my own son ...


I was feeling a lot better yesterday, now I'm a bit down again ...
I hope I can get over this ..

Thanks all again for your replies ,

RhubarbCrumble

It's strange how certain things just seem to effect us OP.
For me, it was the sinking of the Tit Bonhomme last year. I have no idea why, but everytime I saw it on the news it just made me cry. I have no connection to fishing or anything like that, but it just really upset me.
Even last month, when they had the anniversary mass and it was mentioned on the news, it got to me again.

Holyjebus

OP,
I feel the very same as you, I was 14 when it happened too and it really affected me, I never got that little boy's face out of my mind and I still cry when I read about it.
I have two little boys now and when my eldest (who's 3) went through all his little milestones, I kept thinking of Jamie and I still do to this day.
There was a little clip of him bouncing on a trampoline looking so happy and to this day, when my two boys bounce or jump, I'm reminded of this
I can only imagine what his poor, poor parents went through if I'm feeling like this and I didn't even know the little angel.
Anything to do with innocent animals or children have always affected me ever since I was young.
I can never comprehend how a human being could inflict this much pain on someone or something so harmless and innocent.

Taltos

Can I remind posters here of our Charter.

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help.

jimb0

Holyjebus wrote: »

OP,
I feel the very same as you, I was 14 when it happened too and it really affected me, I never got that little boy's face out of my mind and I still cry when I read about it.
I have two little boys now and when my eldest (who's 3) went through all his little milestones, I kept thinking of Jamie and I still do to this day.
There was a little clip of him bouncing on a trampoline looking so happy and to this day, when my two boys bounce or jump, I'm reminded of this
I can only imagine what his poor, poor parents went through if I'm feeling like this and I didn't even know the little angel.
Anything to do with innocent animals or children have always affected me ever since I was young.
I can never comprehend how a human being could inflict this much pain on someone or something so harmless and innocent.

So, are you saying you are affected by this all these years ? you feel sad for that long ?

jimb0

So was feeling really much better and then had a relapse yesterday - interestingly enough my son was cranky yesterday and crying a lot ?

I hope it doesn't crop up every time he cries, time will tell I guess.

Thanks again for the replies.

ziggy23

OP I'm the same with the James Bulger case I've a 3 year old boy and after reading an article on the case one night last week I actually had to carry my son into my bed just because I needed to hold him tight. I get very upset over animal cruelty cases too. I guess it just shows that were human and not de-sensitized to these things

Roisy7

Hey OP, I don't know how you're feeling now, but just thought I'd give a post. My mother bought Ralph Bulger's book last week and she finished it Friday night. She found it extremely upsetting (I mean, I don't think I've ever seen a book get to her as much) as no detail was spared in what happened to poor Jamie, but she also said how much she admired Ralph and Denise for their strength and bravery.

I have been thinking alot about the case too. I was only four when it happened (just a year older than Jamie...) but I remember the trial. I don't have kids but a shiver goes through me whenever I think of what happened. You're not alone at all, it really horrified the whole world, and still does 20 years on.

I think maybe you could, if this doesn't sound too weird, go to church and light a candle or even get a mass said or a blessing. I know that Jamie Bulger's parents are fairly devout Catholics and that Ralph Bulger said that his faith helped him greatly. If you're not religious, maybe you could remember Jamie in another way, planting a tree or something. I know it's strange for a stranger's child but I think the horror of the case goes deeper than most, and it might help you.

With things like this I wish, despite everything, I was religious, because I hope so much that there was something good waiting for Jamie Bulger on the other side after the horrible death he suffered.

I hope this rambling helps OP x

jimb0

Thanks, yes feeling better

True I wish I could believe in an afterlife looking at this case - yet looking at other cases - they seem to be worse - at least from the suffering pov, look at Baby P - he was 17 months old when he died , and all his life he was being abused - awful - James had only one afternoon - yet some reason I can distance myself from Baby P .

I guess its the whole nature of this case , and the way the media whipped up such a storm over it.

And for some reason I seem to have connected something with myself with James Bulger.

I donated €50 to Denise Fergus (his mother) charity.

It's something, I'm not religious but since his parents are devout Catholics I might pop into a church and light a candle for him ...