Possibly pregnant teenager

anon528

Hi All

I would appreciate any advice that you can give, my teenage son has just started his first relationship, and immediately we noticed his mood change (normal teenage hormones) he changed completely within himself fb, new haircut a bit of an attitude etc all quite normal:)
When he set up his fb account I told him that I would have his password and if anything was put up that shouldn't, it would be deleted.
Over the weekend I went into it and into his private messages (I know it's wrong but I am the parent) and him and the girlfriend are chatting about a missed period and possible pregnancy, his dad and I are both in new relationships and we get on very well with both partners, his dad spoke to him about sex when the girlfriend came on the scene, and both me and my boyfriend have spoken to him also. How do I handle the situation I haven't spoken to my partner or his dad about this. Any advice is appreciated.

SunnyDub1

What age is your son?
Sorry but IMO it's very controlling of you to have the password to his facebook account and to make it worse you are reading emails :eek:
Isn't that invading his privacy?

I think you should entitle your son to some privacy. If he's old enough to be having sex I am sure he his old enough to look after his own face book page.

Edit: to answer your question. Go directly to your son and talk to him about it.

Guffy

Speak to his dad and go from there. Ye will know the best way to deal with it after a chat.

My tupence... Don't wait for him to come to ye as it could be a long wait. After talking to him you will need to talk to her parents and decide, the six of ye, the best course of action to take

Lollipops23

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

What age is your son?
Sorry but IMO it's very controlling of you to have the password to his facebook account and to make it worse you are reading emails :eek:
Isn't that invading his privacy?

If the kid is 15/16 then I totally agree with his mother having his password. We're living in an age where cyberbullying is a huge problem (just look at the two young girls in Donegal before Xmas).

OP, for now just let him know you're there for him- if he seems distant, tell him he can tell you anything etc and generally just shower him with TLC. I'd also be inclined to keep an eye on his messages a while longer.

anon528

He is 15 and IMO is is not old enough to have sex, the rules of the fb page was that I had his password and as controlling as it may seem to you I am the parent and cyberbullying was an issue for me, he used to be such a sensitive person and quite naive, the change in him over the past couple of months has been incredible and I know it's down to him being a teenager, I suppose I'm just disappointed that he has had sex, even though we all spoke to him about it

Honey-ec

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

I think you should entitle your son to some privacy. If he's old enough to be having sex I am sure he his old enough to look after his own face book page.

"Old enough to have sex" and "Should be having sex" are two very different things. The fact that there's potentially a pregancy on the scene would indicate to me that this lad and his girlfriend weren't being careful, which would indicate that they haven't the requisite cop on to be having a sexual relationship.

OP, all you can do is ask your son about it. Try not to be accusatory, but be prepared for him to go batsh*t crazy at you for "snooping" regardless.

PlainP

anon528 wrote: »

He is 15 and IMO is is not old enough to have sex, the rules of the fb page was that I had his password and as controlling as it may seem to you I am the parent and cyberbullying was an issue for me, he used to be such a sensitive person and quite naive, the change in him over the past couple of months has been incredible and I know it's down to him being a teenager, I suppose I'm just disappointed that he has had sex, even though we all spoke to him about it

Who us he closest to, you or his dad?
Try and get him to open up to someone even an aunt or uncle of his..

You can't stop teenagers from having sex, you can only give them all the info and hope that they make the right choices.

If it turns out that his girlfriend is not pregnant then certainly sit him down and firmly explain the consequences of having sex so young and if he isn't being responsible about using precautions there are alot if things that could go wrong for him in regards to sti's and if course unwanted pregnancy.

If she is pregnant there are alot if options available to them.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

op there must be all sorts of worrying and racing thoughts going through your head at the moment, i'd advise you to take a minute out for yourself and think things through before you do anything. and do not let anyone tell you it was wrong to have his facebook password or read his messages!! experts in online safety for kids and teenagers agree that parents should have control over online access until 16 so you are bang on in what you're doing there.

if i was you i'd get his dad over, and the two of you open the conversation with him with the fact that no matter what he goes through, be it an issue with friends, school, or his girlfriend, you will always be there to listen to him and help him deal with things, without accusations.

let him stew on that for a bit and if he's not forthcoming with anything then bring up what you read. he probably will freak that you read his messages but you need to re-enforce the point that grown up things like sexual relationships need to be dealt with in a grown up fashion and he needs to prove that he's ready for them. he is the kid and you are the parent.

mood

anon528 wrote: »

He is 15 and IMO is is not old enough to have sex, the rules of the fb page was that I had his password and as controlling as it may seem to you I am the parent and cyberbullying was an issue for me, he used to be such a sensitive person and quite naive, the change in him over the past couple of months has been incredible and I know it's down to him being a teenager, I suppose I'm just disappointed that he has had sex, even though we all spoke to him about it

It is not just you opinion. The law agrees with you. The legal age of consent is 17 as far as I am aware. What age is the girl in question?

Taltos

OP you have a few different issues here.

1. Underage sex - not trying to scare you but if the girlfriend is of a similar age then seeking legal advice would not be the worst choice to make now to protect him and you from justifiably angry parents. My brother for one I know would go the full legal route on you.
2. Pregnancy - you and his father definitely need to discuss this to figure out how you both will help support this child until your son is able to himself. Even go so far as to even consider documenting all your outputs so that you can recoup from your son when he is able to pay. Might seem extreme, but if he is old enough to father a child he is old enough to pay for its maintenance and upkeep. Keep this costs separate from gifts you may give as grandparents.
3. Facebook - I too think using his p/w is extreme, friending him may have been better, but what is done is done. Not going to argue the right or the wrong, but please consider your actions here - finding out he is having sex does not justify the actions you have taken.

Next steps - as well as the above, you both need to sit down and have that chat with him. Don't allow it to degrade into "you invaded my privacy" - keep it on point but do agree to talk about that afterwards. Keep him focussed on this. But again - seriously think about protecting him from any legal ramifications here.

Guffy

Never even thought about the legal ramifications. Good advice and should definitely be followed

Firstly OP, at that age:
- a lot of girls just miss periods, no pregnancy
- most kids that start having sex immediately worry they're pregnant
So it could well be that there's no pregnancy.

With regards to reading his private facebook messages, what's done is done, and he knew you had his password so you might as well talk to him about it. Make sure he's using contraception. Make sure he knows he can talk to you. Don't be too accusatory. Buy him a pregnancy kit if you think he'll be too embarrassed to buy one.

I don't think you should talk to your partner or the dad about it, unless he refuses to confide in you and you think the pregnancy is real.

Guffy

true-or-false wrote: »

Firstly OP, at that age:
- a lot of girls just miss periods, no pregnancy
- most kids that start having sex immediately worry they're pregnant
So it could well be that there's no pregnancy.

With regards to reading his private facebook messages, what's done is done, and he knew you had his password so you might as well talk to him about it. Make sure he's using contraception. Make sure he knows he can talk to you. Don't be too accusatory. Buy him a pregnancy kit if you think he'll be too embarrassed to buy one.

I don't think you should talk to your partner or the dad about it, unless he refuses to confide in you and you think the pregnancy is real.

Think it would be wrong to keep it from his dad. Especially considering they get on so well. Would you tell him if you were still together? Have you told your current partner?

mood

true-or-false wrote: »

Firstly OP, at that age:
- a lot of girls just miss periods, no pregnancy
- most kids that start having sex immediately worry they're pregnant
So it could well be that there's no pregnancy.

With regards to reading his private facebook messages, what's done is done, and he knew you had his password so you might as well talk to him about it. Make sure he's using contraception. Make sure he knows he can talk to you. Don't be too accusatory. Buy him a pregnancy kit if you think he'll be too embarrassed to buy one.

I don't think you should talk to your partner or the dad about it, unless he refuses to confide in you and you think the pregnancy is real.

If they knew enough about contraception and were taking the necessary precautions then they wouldn't be worried IMO. I can only assume they both have limited knowledge and took risks.

OP not only talk to him about contraception but get him a book about it etc. He may not take you advice seriously. Seeing it written in a book might make it sink in better.

Ms. Pingui

I think you should just sit him down and ask him about it. Try not to be angry and just listen to what he has to say.
I got pregnant when I was young, and while I wanted my parents to know about it and support me, it was just too hard to actually go ahead and tell them. The result was that my pregnancy was a secret for 22 weeks!

He will probably welcome your support so just ask. Good luck!

mood

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I think you should just sit him down and ask him about it. Try not to be angry and just listen to what he has to say.
I got pregnant when I was young, and while I wanted my parents to know about it and support me, it was just too hard to actually go ahead and tell them. The result was that my pregnancy was a secret for 22 weeks!

He will probably welcome your support so just ask. Good luck!

Agree. If his girlfriend is pregnant they need support. If she is not they both need to be educated about contraception. I think you can't stop young people having sex but you can educate them and encourage them to make the right choices regarding contraception and partner etc.

Assassin saphir

Put yourself in your son's shoes.He's 15 and knows you have access to his fb. Why would he discuss this with his gf on fb when he knows more than likely you're going to find it. He could have done it by text etc. Have you considered that he is trying to wind you up and this is his way of trying to scare you from invading his privacy.
I'm not saying you're wrong to have his password that's your decision.

mood

mood wrote: »

If they knew enough about contraception and were taking the necessary precautions then they wouldn't be worried IMO. I can only assume they both have limited knowledge and took risks.

The OP said he has had the talk already from both sides of the family, so I think if an assumption has to be made it would be that they don't have limited knowledge but more likely are terrified of pregnancy despite precautions.

I started having sex as soon as I turned 16 and was prone to having irregular periods. I took 3 pregnancy tests that year, despite taking the necessary precautions and being well-informed. If anything, it was for the very fact that I was well-informed that I knew that accidents can happen despite precautions and that's what made me keep freaking out. I've never been pregnant, but I have been young and terrified. If the OP says he was well-informed than I'd be inclined to trust that.

mood

I knew a teenager who had plenty of frank discussions from family yet his girlfriend still got pregnant. They both assumed being on the pill (but not using it correctly) was precaution enough! I am just think a few chats are not enough. The more information given the better.

ABajaninCork

Is there any way you can discreetly find out if the young lady is indeed pregnant?

I agree that you should sit your son down and have a chat with him. He already knows you have his p/ws, so the 'chat' probably will not come as a surprise. He'll probably be annoyed though.

Going forward. Your son is not old enough legally or emotionally to be having sex. But there's no reasonable way to stop him if that's the way he's going. All you can do is have the 'chat', buy him condoms (and tell him to USE THEM no matter what the girl says!) and hope for the best.

anon528

Thanks for all the replies my head is spinning to be honest, I'm afraid for him, he is so young, I'm quite young but don't want him to have the same life as me, (it wasn't all bad) but I want him to go out an live his life before he starts with kids etc. I know this might sound strange to some people but I don't think it's right that he is having sex, I know I can't stop him growing up but SEX at 15, no way. She is the same age as him, and the thoughts of them being parents, jesus they can barely look after each themselves, maybe from a purely selfish point of view, I'm not prepared to look after a baby I've done that already.

From a legal view, it was pointed out to him several times that it could get him into trouble.

I haven't told anybody about this, just trying to do the right thing, whatever that may be.

Sorry for the long rant

mood

OP I don't think anyone is saying it's right. Obviously it's not otherwise it wouldn't be illegal. But you do need to deal with the situation. You need to talk to his father and him about this sooner rather than later. You may also need to talk to the girls parents.

movingsucks

This might sound icky, but if she isn't pregnant and you're all in the clear - this time - maybe someone could have a word with him about other things that can be done in bed that don't include penetration?
Its all well and good to talk about condoms and the pill but those things are not 100% effective and shouldn't be treated as such.

Boombastic

anon528 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies my head is spinning to be honest, I'm afraid for him, he is so young, I'm quite young but don't want him to have the same life as me, (it wasn't all bad) but I want him to go out an live his life before he starts with kids etc. I know this might sound strange to some people but I don't think it's right that he is having sex, I know I can't stop him growing up but SEX at 15, no way. She is the same age as him, and the thoughts of them being parents, jesus they can barely look after each themselves, maybe from a purely selfish point of view, I'm not prepared to look after a baby I've done that already.

From a legal view, it was pointed out to him several times that it could get him into trouble.

I haven't told anybody about this, just trying to do the right thing, whatever that may be.

Sorry for the long rant

You son knows that you have his facebook password (which I think you are correct in having) and are checking his account. Therefore I would just be upfront with him. In a calm manner say to him I checked your facebook and seen x,y,z. Be open an honest with him. If it turns out that the girl is pregnant, remember it's not the end of the world. Make sure that he faces up to his responsibilities. If the girl is not pregnant have a decent conversation with him about contraception, consequences of his actions. You might think that he shouldn't be having sex at 15, but that is not going to stop him!! Get to know his girlfriend, perhaps approach the topic of sex and contraception with both of them together? (if they think they're mature enough to be having sex, they should be mature enough to have that conversation) Make sure that he knows that he can talk to you about anything and remind him often about contraception. You and his father have to be a team on this one!!


Best of luck:)

robman60

I'm aware that you're very worried and upset at the moment, but I think you need to speak frankly to your son, and tell him how you attained the information. If he's aware that you have his password, he shouldn't be surprised that you've been on his fb.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned that he's having sex at 15. Contrary to what TV3 etc. might tell you, not all young teenagers are out having sex. While you can't control his actions, you can educate him (and supply him with) contraception. Personally, I'd tell him your opinion on him having sex at all.

I'm 17 and I think 15 is far too young to have sex.

Magicmatilda

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest you do nothing. Bear with me....Unfortunately it's common these days for 15 year old to have sex,it may not be legal or right but it is what is happening and I don't think there is much that can be done. If she is pregnant there is nothing that you can do to change that and they will have to deal with that responsibility. If she is not then the stress of the situation may be a lesson to them. That's how I learned about the importance of contraception, pure fear.

You could get your sons father to have another chat with him about contraception or maybe you could have that chat coming from a place of your own experience of getting pregnant young.

I don't agree myself with the breach of privacy in reading his messages. You agreed that you would have his password to remove inappropriate content but used it for other purposes and while I can understand why, i think it sends a message that you do not respect him or trust him. In less than 3 years he will be an adult and will be able to do whatever he wants, legal or illegal, moral or immoral. You need to start slowly letting go and trust yourself that you have done your best, loved him and set a good example.

It's really hard to be a parent of a teenager, especially with the Internet now. Not knowing what's right or wrong. Talk to family, use the support network. Chances are he will be fine.

IrishEyes19

I honestly think and Im probably going against the grain here, that you are over the top on your level of control over him.I think you are setting yourself up for problems in the future. you cant bubble-wrap children either. the fb thing is quite controlling, do you also control his phone?, email? ect. I only ask because both are just as damaging and accessible by others.

now regarding sex at 15, you are completely correct. I wouldnt be happy at all if that my kid and I completely see why you are upset and worried. I think you need to let him come to you. I know as a mother you're first instinct is to fix and help, but he needs to grow up with some self independence too. Hopefully it's just a scare but he needs to stand on his feet, OP, and approach you or his dad. However if you feel his moods and attitude have sunk badly, by all means confront him. DO NOT confront the gf, I dont know why anyone would advise that here. that is so invasive and wrong, and you could open a can of worms for her for an issue that hopefully will be negative.

Boombastic

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

............................ DO NOT confront the gf, I dont know why anyone would advise that here. that is so invasive and wrong, and you could open a can of worms for her for an issue that hopefully will be negative.

I don't think anyone is suggesting to confront the girlfriend about being pregnant. Having a conversation about safe sex is not confronting.

CaraMay

Forget about the legality of it now. Surely it's as illegal for a girl of 15 to have sex with a boy of 15 and vice versa so who would the charge - both of them. V unlikely.

You are right to keep an eye on him but I also think that maybe and hopefully he is rising you. He knows you have his password so why would he have the conversation there??

username123

The legal aspect of this is very serious. Both of them are under the age of consent, but only your son can be prosecuted for underage sex. There has been at least one case in Ireland where a 16 year old boy was successfully prosecuted and placed on the sex offenders register over having under age sex with his girlfriend.

If a pregnancy does exist and the girl presents to the health service there is also a chance of a member of the HSE reporting the situation to the Guards and/or social workers if they feel non consensual sex has taken place - the law is unclear in this regard.

Both of the above are discussed in this.

These are the things you need to discuss with your son. You cannot stop him from having sex and the statistics show that there is a lot of underage sex happening in Ireland, but he needs to have a firm grip of the legal aspects of it.

I find the breach of privacy a difficult one. On the one hand it was a condition of him using Facebook and I agree with that. On the other hand, was it agreed you could read his messages? People are entitled to a private life, would you read his diary for example? It does not show respect for a person to breach their privacy and in his shoes I would be furious. A furious 15 year old is going to be far less likely to listen to his parents.

IrishEyes19

Boombastic wrote: »

I don't think anyone is suggesting to confront the girlfriend about being pregnant. Having a conversation about safe sex is not confronting.

someone did suggest if the op could contact the gf. and thats out of order. and i never said anything was wrong with talking about safe sex. but her only concern should be her son and it is.

mood

Obviously OP will need to talk to the girl and her parents IF she is pregnant. I think it would only be appropriate to do this IF she is pregnant. I think it would be very inappropriate for OP to talk to a 15 year old child that is not her own or a relation about sex and contraception. I would think her parent would go crazy if she took it upon herself to do so.

banie01

Theres a very similar thread over in the parenting teens/preteens forum at the moment although in that case the ''pregnancy'' seems to have been a lie by the girl in question to punish the youngfella.
You may get better advice over on that forum though OP?

In your own case, I find it hard to believe that your son would have a conversation of that nature on FB knowing that you have his password and that you are monitoring it.
It could be that the emotional stress of the situation has gotten to both of them and their concern for privacy has gone out the window with the situation they fear they are in....
Or...
It could be that your son is trying to test your reaction, and ascertain just how closely you are monitoring his online accounts.
Strange and extreme as it sounds, I do know of a similar situation currently.

As for the moodiness and withdrawn attitude, welcome to the world of teenage boys.
My own son is only 8 at the mo so its a ways off for me, but as a previously sullen, mood swinging teenage male and the eldest brother (and surrogate Dad)of another 5 the youngest of whom is just hitting 13 now....
I can vouch for the fact that even without possible pregnancy scares, teenage boys can be highly strung, withdrawn balls of seemingly BiPolar moodiness that would put even a PMSing Emo twilight fan teenage girl to shame.

Talk to your son, he knows you have access to the messages and knowing you know, must be weighing on him too.
Don't go in guns blazing, just let him know you know, make sure he is ok and then discuss with him how ye should proceed.
Talk to him, before you make any attempt to involve the girl or her family and take it from there.
Good luck

miss no stars

1. She's probably not pregnant. She's 15 and was probably late a week OR completely miscalculated when it was due and thinks she's late, even if she's not. Both of them probably know that contraception doesn't always work and are panicking over nothing. If she is pregnant, you'll find out in due course from your son and can support him then.

2. Get him to change his facebook password and don't get it this time. He's 15. 15 is completely different to 13. Friend him on facebook and monitor his posts that way, but quit with the snooping. Do you read his texts? His emails? Eavesdrop on his phonecalls? Search his room? Would you have liked it if you kept letters and found out that your parents had snooped around your room to find them and read them?

You do know that a kid who's snooped on won't trust you? It's quite a natural reaction that if you're pushed you push back. If he feels like he has no privacy around you, he'll fiercely defend whatever privacy he can and you'll find yourself even more locked out. If you want to have a bond where he trusts you and can approach you, he needs to know that you value his privacy and see him as an individual - not just an extension of you who needs protecting and can't stand up for himself.

I do think there's a way you could approach it though without getting him completely offside. Pick your moment, then bring up the fact that when he set up the account, you asked for the password. Tell him you appreciate that he agreed to it and that it was appropriate at the time. He's now a bit older and you feel like you need to take a little step back as you respect his privacy, and would just like to be friends on facebook, rather than actually in his facebook account. He will probably agree to that. Then bring up why you're motivated to do this. Tell him you were on monitoring his account and noticed a message between him as his girlfriend and it made you realise he's grown up quite a lot and needs his privacy and doesn't need mammy snooping around what he does privately on facebook. Apologise for having read it. Then say that if he does or ever comes to have worries about the content of it, you will support him completely and if he has any questions, please go to you or your ex or whoever he feels comfortable with. That's ALL that needs to be said. He will respond better to the flattery of "you're growing up and I need to respect that" and thinking you and him can have a more grown up relationship than "LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN YOUR ACCOUNT". It doesn't matter that he's not all grown up, he's getting there and you need to recognise that.

I can't believe the number of people here who think that just because you're a parent gives you the right to invade your teenager's privacy. It doesn't. It doesn't build trust and it just doesn't do any good. Out of interest, he agreed to let you have the password so that his public posts could be monitored. Was that extended to reading the contents of all his private messages? I'd feel completely violated if I was 15, had agreed to my posts being monitored but my parents had snooped around elsewhere. Did he also agree to let you in on every conversation he has with his girlfriend, ever? You've overstepped the line, probably unintentionally, but you've done so anyway.

I'll probably be lambasted for suggesting that a 15 year old should have privacy, with people saying that they're children and should have no right to keep things from their parents blah blah blah. They're not children. They're teenagers - trying to transition from child to adult and that can be difficult and they need space in which to develop and grow and accept themselves as a person. Prying into their private lives to the extent that a conversation between them and their girlfriend isn't private is preventing them from having that space. They also aren't able to always make good decisions, but you have to make one or two mistakes to feel the fear of the potential consequences. Everyone has done it. You've seen it yourself, OP - you and your ex gave him all the information you could give him, yet he's STILL done something that has left him worried. It happens. It will happen whether you are able to snoop into his messages or not. So exactly what benefit has snooping given you or him?

ETA: Teenage girls can be awfully fond of drama. It's far more likely that this is the case than she's actually pregnant. This experience will teach your son that lesson, more than likely. What you snooping teaches him is that you don't trust him and if he wants something private, he has to go to lengths to hide it from you.

anon528

Thanks for all your replies, i hope it is a false alarm, I honestly think he has forgotten that I have his password. I'm upset that people honestly think I am in the wrong for wanting to know what is going on in his life, as I have said before i am the parent, would it be better if I just didn't care what was going on with him. I am also friends with him on fb plus other family members. I'm not going to apologise for keeping tabs on him, he is 15 years old (not an adult) I know things have changed since I was a teenager but times have changed with technology has too, I'm not telling everybody about what is going on with him, this is just worrying me. With regards to cyberbullying it wasn't just him being bullied I didn't want him bullying anybody either, maybe if more parents were as aware as I am we could stop the crap that's going on with teenagers. For every kid that is being bullied on the internet there is a parent that should know what is going on. I know it is a completely different subject but somebody else did bring it up.
I think the best thing I can do is wait till he comes to me, if nothing happens we will all sit down with him regarding protection. As I have said before I don't think he should be having sex at 15. As for someone who said he will be 18 in 3 years, that's three years from now - am I supposed to ignore what's going on because he is a teenager and thinks he knows everything

CaraMay

You need to find out if it is a false alarm....

I agree that you should be checking his account but now you have checked uou can't turn a blind eye.

miss no stars

anon528 wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies, i hope it is a false alarm, I honestly think he has forgotten that I have his password. I'm upset that people honestly think I am in the wrong for wanting to know what is going on in his life, as I have said before i am the parent, would it be better if I just didn't care what was going on with him.

All parents want to know what's going on with their kids - that's what make them the kid's parents rather than just adults who live with them! The difference that I see is that he should also be allowed to set boundaries with what he chooses to share with you. And that you should have enough respect for your teenager to allow him to set some of those boundaries. There are obvious exceptions to that - if they've completely withdrawn and you worry for their safety, then no holds should be barred. But if he's just being a normal teenager then he should have the right to privacy and to share only what he wants to. Otherwise what you're teaching him is to completely disregard other peoples' right to privacy.

anon528 wrote: »

I'm not going to apologise for keeping tabs on him,

No, reading his personal correspondence is a bit more than keeping tabs on him. It's snooping - not just keeping tabs on him. Keeping tabs on him would be looking at his page now and then, asking him when he's logged in just to let you have a look at his facebook activity log (https://www.facebook.com/help/activitylog). That's keeping tabs on him. Secretly going into his messages while he's not there goes beyond that.

anon528 wrote: »

With regards to cyberbullying it wasn't just him being bullied I didn't want him bullying anybody either, maybe if more parents were as aware as I am we could stop the crap that's going on with teenagers. For every kid that is being bullied on the internet there is a parent that should know what is going on. I know it is a completely different subject but somebody else did bring it up.

And for every kid that's being bullied in person, there are parents who shuld know what's going on. But you can't be there 24/7 - you have to teach them as best you can to be a good person, let them know that you absolutely won't accept such heinous behaviour and would be disgusted to think that your own son would behave like that to other people, as well as leaving the door open to come to you if he does get caught up in it for some reason and wants out (be it as part of a group doing it and he's afraid not to in case he becomes the target, or by becomming the target). After that, at 15, a good chunk of it should be up to him. Your guidance and support should be there, but he's not a puppet you can control. His behaviour has to become progressively more his own responsibility as he gets older. A 15 year old should be able to interact with his friends without you reading every private message he gets!

Out of interest, how is it that you have so little trust in him that you think he would engage in cyber bullying? Also known as bullying. Do you also follow 3 steps behind him everywhere he goes to make sure that he doesn't do anything nasty to anyone else? Doesn't make a snide remark? Doesn't laugh at someone as they trip? Doesn't fail to speak up against bullying he sees going on in the real world rather than the cyber world? At some point, you're going to have to learn to trust him. I presume you've talked to him about how damaging it is, how huge the consequences can be. So why do you think he'd ignore that completely? Just because following him in cyber-land isn't as physically intrusive doesn't mean that it's not intrusive! He can't keep even the private details of him and his girlfriend private from you!

By the way, you mentioned that you actually think he's forgotten that you have the password. Either remind him or stop using it. If you keep using it you're being even more underhand and devious. All the while, teaching him to have no respect for the privacy boundaries of others. What would you do if he changed his password tomorrow? Demand to be let back in?

(by the way, teenagers will always be able to keep secrets from their parents. Always. If you make them feel secure and like their privacy isn't under threat they won't try as hard and will probably volunteer more).

anon528 wrote: »

I think the best thing I can do is wait till he comes to me, if nothing happens we will all sit down with him regarding protection. As I have said before I don't think he should be having sex at 15. As for someone who said he will be 18 in 3 years, that's three years from now - am I supposed to ignore what's going on because he is a teenager and thinks he knows everything

He shouldn't be having sex at 15 but he is... That's what lots of teenagers do so, while you're right in that he shouldn't be having sex, I doubt if you'll stop it altogether. Regarding the protection talk, why wait? You could make a non-issue of it, offer him €20 now and then and tell him to get an icecream for himself and the gf and to put the rest towards staying safe?

deisemum

OP there are plenty of teenagers that have a 2nd facebook account, one that their parents don't know about.

meepmeepmeep

anon528 wrote: »

Hi All

I'm upset that people honestly think I am in the wrong for wanting to know what is going on in his life, as I have said before i am the parent, would it be better if I just didn't care what was going on with him.

OP you are setting yourself up for a fall in the future tbh. You want to know what's going on in his life but a healthier way of doing that is by cultivating an environment where your son feels that he can trust you and come to you with his problems and discuss things, rather than finding out things by spying on him. How can you possibly expect your son to be able to trust and confide in you when you show no trust in him by monitoring his facebook account? Lead by example. He's friends with you on facebook, that is enough. Having his password is way OTT.

I think the best thing I can do is wait till he comes to me, if nothing happens we will all sit down with him regarding protection

I don't think burying your head in the sand is going to solve this. I'm actually quite shocked you'd rather let two 15 year old's worry sick about being possible parents than get involved?! I'm pushing 30 and had a pregnancy scare recently and I was never more terrified in my life! But to have to go through that at 15, the poor girl must be in a right state with worry! Sit him down offer to buy a pregnancy test she can take, at least then if it is a false alarm the poor girl can put her mind at ease!

You need to sit down and discuss this with him, yes he'll be pissed off at how you found out (and rightly so imho) but the situation needs to be addressed it's not just your son involved there's a possibly 15 year old pregnant girlfriend, if she is pregnant god only knows how they'll choose to deal with the situation while you sit there and "wait". Also being open and talking to him maturely about this will the perfect opportunity to open up the door for him to be able to discuss sex and relationships and problems in an open manner with you so that next time something like this happens he'll feel able to come and talk to you rather than having to hide it from you.

Ah_Yeah

I'm sorry but at 16 I was doing my Leaving Cert and then when onto college before turning 17. If my mother had my Facebook password at that age I would be very reluctant to tell her anything as I'd feel she would be keeping such a tight leash on me!

You should be cultivating an environment where he wants to talk to you, where he feels that he can come to you off his own back, not that you will find out either way because you have his password on fb!

Anyway, this is not the issue here, merely a sidebar that I think you should take into consideration.

I would speak with his father - do not leave him out of the loop on this one. If you were still together you would surely discuss it. I would then assure your son that he can approach you with any issues he has, and maybe relinquish control on his fb password to show him that you trust him. If he feels he can talk to you about anything, then he may volunteer this information on his own.

No harm having the sex talk again with him, if they are concerned about pregnancy they will probably need a full education on contraception and how pregnancy actually happens. A lot of kids either don't know how they can get pregnant (e.g. this myth that you cant get pregnant on your period, poppycock!), or what measures they should be taking. I wouldnt rule out discussing STDs and STIs with them too!

You can't stop them having sex, but you can certainly arm them with all the information they need to have it safely.