Incompatible??

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Would really love an outsider's point of view on my situation.

First, I'll give a little bit of background. I am 22, have been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, we met in college. I have been working in Scotland for the last year( did arts) and we decided to do long distance as we didn't want to break up and we do see each other every few weeks although it does cost alot.

The thing is that I have no intention of moving back to Ireland as I would not find a job half as good as the one I have now. He said he would move over in time but I don't really believe him and know that it would take him at least a year to do it. It's starting to get hard doing long distance when there is no end in sight.

So my question about incompatibility is that I want to do a lot of travelling in the next few years. I've done a bit and can't wait to do more. However, he has no interest in travelling and almost seems to look down on those who do, saying that they must be running away from something.

I don't know whether I should stay with him doing long distance for another year at least and then if he moves over, I'd prob want to go travelling quite soon after that. I don't want to waste my 20s in a long distance relationship especially as things are quite rocky with us anyway.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or has been through something similar??

My head is all over the place and I'm seeing him this weekend and want to decide what to do. And I have told him loads of times how I feel but he just sweeps it under the carpet and doesn't want to break up so I feel it is up to me to figure this out.

Hope someone can help.

Lorna123

If he is not fulfilling your needs then you are not compatible. Now would be a good time to end it before he moves.

kat.mac

Hi OP, I was in a long distance relationship for about a year. He was someone I was absolutely crazy about, so I just kind of ignored the fact that I found it difficult to reconcile our differences on certain issues such as travelling, etc. Looking back on it, I wish I had addressed those differences the way you are doing now.

With that in mind, my advice would be to listen to your gut. From your post it sounds like your gut is telling you the gulf is too wide (geographically and otherwise!) to continue this relationship. You're young, independent and you have big plans for your life - do what you gotta do to make them happen! Best of luck OP!

blatantrereg

Why do you think he sweeps it under the carpet?
It sounds like he is taking it in the wrong way. He thinks you're anxious and doesn't want you to get your knickers in a twist. It doesn't sound like he understands that you have valid concerns that you want to address rationally.

You need to get him to engage properly in discourse and together decide if you can reconcile on the issue of travel. I also think it would be a good idea to have some sort of tangible plan regarding him moving over, as that is currently generating a lot of uncertainty.

Cupcake_Crisis

Longdistancegirl wrote: »

Hi all,

Would really love an outsider's point of view on my situation.

First, I'll give a little bit of background. I am 22, have been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, we met in college. I have been working in Scotland for the last year( did arts) and we decided to do long distance as we didn't want to break up and we do see each other every few weeks although it does cost alot.

The thing is that I have no intention of moving back to Ireland as I would not find a job half as good as the one I have now. He said he would move over in time but I don't really believe him and know that it would take him at least a year to do it. It's starting to get hard doing long distance when there is no end in sight.

So my question about incompatibility is that I want to do a lot of travelling in the next few years. I've done a bit and can't wait to do more. However, he has no interest in travelling and almost seems to look down on those who do, saying that they must be running away from something.

I don't know whether I should stay with him doing long distance for another year at least and then if he moves over, I'd prob want to go travelling quite soon after that. I don't want to waste my 20s in a long distance relationship especially as things are quite rocky with us anyway.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or has been through something similar??

My head is all over the place and I'm seeing him this weekend and want to decide what to do. And I have told him loads of times how I feel but he just sweeps it under the carpet and doesn't want to break up so I feel it is up to me to figure this out.

Hope someone can help.

The part in bold really stands out to me. If things are rocky to begin with, the strain of long distance and the fact that you both want different things will eventually end the relationship. Maybe the best thing to do would be to part ways while you both do what you want to do, then if it's meant to be you'll come back together when you're both ready to settle down.

I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but relationships shouldn't stop you living your live the way you want to, and it seems that that's what happening here.

LegacyUser

blatantrereg wrote: »

Why do you think he sweeps it under the carpet?
It sounds like he is taking it in the wrong way. He thinks you're anxious and doesn't want you to get your knickers in a twist. It doesn't sound like he understands that you have valid concerns that you want to address rationally.
.

OP here.

Thank you all for the advice.

This part really made me think about why he doesn't listen to me. I always approach things in a rational way and have made it very clear that I'm not happy with the situation at times. I really think he brushes it under the carpet because he knows I won't break up with him, that I'll give out and cry etc but I won't actually bite the bullet which makes me think I need to do that because I've given him so many chances and things never change

kat.mac

It's a tough one OP, but FWIW, you seem really sensible and you do have to focus on what makes *you* happy and fulfilled. Chin up and I wish you all the best!

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

For what it's worth, I am also in a LDR. It is difficult, but the one thing that keeps me going is that me and my OH are starting to formulate a plan i.e. there is light at the end of the tunnel. This for me is key. If it was a case of indefinitely putting it off, I don't think either of us could do it.

I think you should tell him you need a serious chat the next time you meet up (don't do it on Skype - it's s*** isnt it?). Lay out what you think you want to do over the next year or 2 (maybe more) and get him to do the same. If you want the relationship to last you both have to be flexible with these plans.

Unfortunately, given his attitude towards travelling and your seeming desire to do more (which you really should), this could be a big issue. Travelling is for some people, isn't for others. If you could find a way that would have you both living or based in the same place and you had the option to do some short stints of travelling, it could work.

Jarrod

Longdistancegirl wrote: »

He said he would move over in time but I don't really believe him

I think that bit says a lot.

LDRs are extremely difficult even when there is an end in sight. I say that having been through it. When there's no definite end to it i.e. a time when you know one of you is going to move and you will be together, then it's completely different. It's going to take a big commitment from one or both of you to make it work and I think if that commitment isn't forthcoming then you could find yourself a long way down the road in the same situation.

blatantrereg

Longdistancegirl wrote: »

OP here.

Thank you all for the advice.

This part really made me think about why he doesn't listen to me. I always approach things in a rational way and have made it very clear that I'm not happy with the situation at times. I really think he brushes it under the carpet because he knows I won't break up with him, that I'll give out and cry etc but I won't actually bite the bullet which makes me think I need to do that because I've given him so many chances and things never change

Don't know if you're right tbh. I've been on the other side of a couple of similar situations: Had exes get frustrated about lack of momentum on my part regarding moving. Probably had them get frustrated about me seeming to sweep things under the carpet too.

Maybe he just doesn't see the travel issue [apart from moving] as that significant in the long term. Sees it as something you'll work out along the way - not something to break up over one way or another.

As for talking about things, maybe he just tends to avoid distressful topics. If you cry and give out when they come up it's pretty likely he shies away from them, no matter how rational you might be expressing yourself otherwise.

He might have a good reason to say it would be a year before he moved - or at least a logical one. The situation is hardly ideal from his side. Perhaps he is worried he won't find a job or something like that. Maybe he feels he needs to get into a stronger position financially or cv-wise first. A lot of guys aren't too quick to talk about things which they might think make them seem weak, or timid, or just not in the best situation.

Why don't you ask him why it would be a year at least? If he's evasive, press him for answer without getting emotional about it. He might just shut off if you get too emotional. That's what I used to do anyway haha

Then again, if he's someone who shuts off in the face of emotional outbursts - and if you're someone who has emotional outbursts - you probably are correct that you're just really incompatible in the long term. The more he shuts off, the more frustrated you'll get. The more frustrated you get, the more he'll shut off. It's a horrible dynamic that just gets worse over time.