College student - feel so lonely and sad

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in 3rd year of college and have been feeling very down this year. For the first semester, I assumed it was due to the stress of college and how far behind I was in my work, in comparison to all my friends. The run-up to exams overwhelmed me and I became very stressed and unmotivated. Luckily, by some miracle, I actually managed to not only pass my exams but do pretty well in them. I assumed the feeling of depression would lift after the exams were finished.

They have not however. I'm on work placement now, which I like, but I still feel so lonely and down in the evenings. I live with 3 very close friends, so life is good yet the last time I felt properly happy is ages ago.

I have 2 closest friends who I'd feel most comfortable talking about personal stuff with (they don't live with me), but one of them has moved to America until September. I've tried talking to the other but he doesn't seem that interested or helpful. I see a lot less of him than I used to, he often finds excuses not to meet up, doesn't reply as often to the occasional texts I send and sometimes doesn't answer phonecalls. Fair enough, maybe he's going through tough times as well, I do ask about his wellbeing but he says he's fine.
He's a great guy but saying that he's too busy to even meet me and talk to me after me telling him I'm feeling down does upset me.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to. There's nothing particular on my mind, apart from loneliness and it's a bit irrational given I'm going through the least lonely time in my life (although I don't feel like it).

Everyone in the class is on placement so I initially assumed everyone would have a lot of time to meet up in the evenings (for dinner etc) now that we don't have to study. But it's been far from it - even when I try to organise things like after work dinner / drinks, most people will say they can't make it, which just makes me feel worse.

Strangely, at work I am so busy I never feel down - that only happens in the evenings / at night when I'm on my own and start thinking. Similarly, if I'm with a friend / friends, I don't feel down (but later after they leave, I'm right back where I was) - which makes the whole meet up with somebody to discuss how crap I have been feeling a bit redundant also, given that when I'm with somebody I wouldn't feel crap.

This is very long, I'm ranting so sorry. I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine the GP is the right move, as there is no litmus test for depression, it's just the GPs opinion. Which I imagine means if I go into the GP saying I'm feeling depressed, he'll start me on medication which is a road I don't want to go down. Have managed nearly 20 years without those fine. College counselling only happens at hours that doesn't suit my 9-5 placement, so that's out.

One recurring theme I do feel is that I just want people to notice that I am down and ask me, but nobody does. I honestly feel that people don't care about me sometimes, which I'm sure is untrue but it just feels like it's the case.

looksee

I don't know whether you are depressed (in a clinical sense) or not, but lets assume for the moment that you are not, and you are just 'down' or moody. That doesn't make you feel any less out of sorts with yourself, but if it is just that you are down, you can work on it.

You are ok when you are working and when you are with friends, so why are you out of sorts on your own? Are you tired, are you sleeping properly and eating reasonably? With friends you are kind of living on adrenalin then when it all stops you collapse.

For the first couple of years of college you were getting used to all kinds of changes, living away from home, looking after yourself, dealing with college work rather than school work, meeting new people. Now you do not have as much study to do, the pressure is off, and that is when you deflate. While you are working you don't notice it, but as soon as you have no distraction, down you go. That is perfectly normal and a lot of people would notice it.

What to do about it? You could try thinking positive. Don't go looking for people to tell how down you are. As soon as you start to think negative, reflect on how you enjoyed your day, enjoyed your evening. Get yourself organised for the next day, do something you enjoy - listen to music, watch a film. Don't allow the gremlins in.

If something starts going round and round in your head so you can't think of anything else, write it down. Then get on with something else. You may never look at it again, but you will probably find it will clear it out of your head.

If none of this helps then maybe, just maybe, you are depressed and need medical intervention, but try a bit of tough self help first. Good luck!

Boombastic

Make a list of all the positive things in your life. When you are feeling down try to focus on them rather than the negatives. Life and friends move on and people have their own things to be doing, it's life! When you feel like you are starting to focus on the bad/sad things in life, do something else to take you mind off it. Enjoy the time you do spend with friends, but also make peace with yourself and find how to be comfortable and happy in your own company. Start a hobby you enjoy and can spend time at when you are on your own.

Best of luck!

Roisy7

Hey OP, you're not alone. For a variety of reasons some people find college very tough. The counselling services in most colleges are bursting at the seams! So although I know the perception is you should be having a blast, out every night, etc but it is a huge adjustment as Looksee said. Sometimes I just wanted to be eight years old again and have nothing more serious to worry about than making sure the ink in my fancy pens didn't run out! It's also the first time paying bills, cooking every day, negotiating proper relationships etc; essentially being an adult. So it can be very very tough.

I presume your friend is on a semester abroad and will be back soon? The thing is with certain colleges (my uni in particular) was that it was so big, and that there were constant disruptions with people going off on placement, study abroad etc that friendships were, shall we say, a little more transient than other areas.

It's not like school where you're with the same people for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It's easy to drift.

Your male friend has proved that he is flaky. He might not mean anything by it, it might just be the way he is. I know the evenings can be lonely, but it's up to you to fill them. Is there something you always wanted to do? If you're in a city there are bound to be clubs and socs.

You need to keep busy. I am a bit of a solo bird anyway, and I quite enjoy my own company, but I love being on my own on the odd evening, read a good book, get some writing done, watch what I want on TV. But I know that's not the case for everyone.

Keep persisting with the classmates. It might not be against you; my class were very like that, basically, trying to get a night that suited everyone was a disaster. Suggest coffee, tea, etc. Time can fly by when you're working and before you know it you haven't seen a person in months!

Have you got housemates? Are there any acquaintances around you could text for a chat, a cup of tea or whatever? Workmates? Get out there and chin up If things get worse, go to the GP. They can't forcefeed you meds. Younger GPs are more enlightened and there is HSE counselling available.

And remember OP, this placement is just temporary. It will end soon and there will be a new chapter in your life x

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the answers guys, they were great and really helpful.

I should start by saying that I am not clinically depressed, just feeling 'down' in the conventional sense.

I think I have more close friends now than I have ever had in my life previously, which makes it all the more confusing that I feel down now... it's almost as if my mood is entirely uncorrelated from my life! I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life by feeling this way.

I am not good at making friends. I am very shy around 'new people', and have to know people for ages in order to make friends with them. Maybe this is why I feel sad if I think a friendship isn't as strong as it used to be, I worry in case it is slipping. Ironically, my depressed state of mind (especially if I try to talk to my friends about it) is more likely to push them away. I know that if my friends had any sort of problem, or even just wanted to do something, I would instantly be there for them etc. One thing that gets me down is when I feel that I care more about them than they do about me. This is a ridiculous mindset, as I'm sure most are just busier than me, but it does irk me often.

I do like college though. I always have. And I also like placement. It'd be understandable if I started work placement on my own in a different city or something, but I still live with the same housemates in the same house as I did when I was in college.

I don't mind my own company at all. In fact I used to live on my own last year during college, yet never actually felt lonely. My mood these days is very irrational, but despite that it still feels very real. I'm not sure I can put it down to being more sensitive than most, because I genuinely don't think I am.