How to be more assertive?

LegacyUser

I am naturally very quiet and reserved by nature. I am aware that because of this, people tend to think that I do not speak up for myself when necessary, which is not true but this has been mentioned to me more than once by more than one person, including my counsellor.

This has concerned me in a couple of aspects:

1.) The personality I am projecting towards others
2.) My relationship

Some of my friends tell me that I need to stand up for myself because I seem too easy-going in most situations and my s.o. tells me that he loves how I am not domineering but at the same time, I notice that he tends to stare at women who are more assertive/outspoken for awhile with a slight grin on his face, even though he says he doesn't and hates that type of personality. It almost makes me feel like this is the way I should be even though I do not believe it is in my nature and I am rather compromising and/or submissive.

Is the way I am a bad way to be? Maybe the only way I can get around in this world is by being more aggressive? I feel like I am trying to make myself into something I'm not and it is stressful for me. I feel disappointed with the type of personality I have, like I am not a strong person.

Please, can anyone give me some advice or guidance?

JuliusCaesar

There's a big difference between 'assertive' and 'aggressive'. There are a lot of books about assertiveness, including David Burns Feeling Good, which has a chapter on it. You might also find assertiveness evening classes/weekend courses, and a lot of companies pay for employees to do them.

Yes, people can change their ways without having a personality change.

looksee

Does it create any problems for you - apart from your friends commenting? If it does not then why fix it? Your partner is happy for you to be quiet, if you are happy then that's all that matters.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies JuliusCaesar and looksee,

JuliusCaesar, apologies for not differentiating between aggressiveness and assertiveness. I suppose my feelings towards assertiveness have led me to believe that I need to become more aggressive but I am wrong in those feelings. Thank you for your advice, I will look into the books first and see where I can go from there.

looksee, I am not sure if it causes any serious problems. But there are times when I notice that if ever I become a bit frustrated or agitated, my partner will immediately tell me to relax because it isn't in my character to be worked up. I find it hard to believe that even though with my calm nature, I am expected to never get worked up and speak my mind on a matter that affects me. I guess in that sense, it may be a problem. A problem that I may have created and don't really know how to solve. If there is anything to solve?

I'm sorry if I may be a bit confusing, I am trying my best to explain. Thank you again for the responses.

LegacyUser

unsureofbeingassertive wrote: »

looksee, I am not sure if it causes any serious problems. But there are times when I notice that if ever I become a bit frustrated or agitated, my partner will immediately tell me to relax because it isn't in my character to be worked up. I find it hard to believe that even though with my calm nature, I am expected to never get worked up and speak my mind on a matter that affects me.

everbody gets annoyed some because you are cheery and perky some of the time doesnt mean you have to be like that all the time. hes beinf a bit patronising saying that

LegacyUser

Thanks just_advice..... for your response. I've brought that to his attention that I also become upset too at times and that I want to be able to express that. He said he knows that but feels protective of me and doesn't want anything upsetting me. As romantic as that may sound, I find it unrealistic and unsustainable in the long run. I am prepared to have a conversation with him if it comes up again.

He is a lovely guy but I am afraid my passive and easy-going nature is turning him into an anxious, worry-ridden person. I feel if I were more outspoken, things would be different, more balanced in the relationship. I almost feel I am being treated like a fragile princess in an indestructible castle. I want to be one of the knights fighting in battle, not being worried about and protected. I know it is partially (if not all) my doing though and will take a great amount of work to change. I definitely need to change.

Thank you again for the feedback.

Nymeria

Hi OP,

I am wondering if you could ask your counsellor to give you some tips on asserting yourself better. Perhaps you could try practicing certain scenarios, or rehearsals where you try to overcome the embarrassment or anxiety or disagreeing with someone or having your own opinion. I am a generally quiet person in that I would not be comfortable talking to an audience and tend to be more comfortable one on one than in groups, however it does not mean that I have no opinions. Like you, at times I have felt that people ignore me/ feel that I have nothing important to say just because I am not loud.

In the last few years I have become a little more assertive, and have had to be steadfast in hanging on to my own opinion, even when it differs to the majority opinion of my friends/ family whatever. It is hard, but I feel stronger and more comfortable in my own voice. I will never be the loudest person in a room, but that does not mean I am not confident in my own abilities.

You do not need to learn to shout to get people's attention, and you should not feel that you have to be different than you are in order to appease other people.

Howver, there are one or two things from your posts that seem a little alarming about your boyfriend. Firstly, when you say;

there are times when I notice that if ever I become a bit frustrated or agitated, my partner will immediately tell me to relax because it isn't in my character to be worked up. I find it hard to believe that even though with my calm nature, I am expected to never get worked up and speak my mind on a matter that affects me. .

This is a red flag to me. He should not be suppressing your opinions just because it is inconvenient to him; a good partner should be supportive and allow you to express yourself. Do you feel that he is automatically dismissing your opinion or trying to shut you down by focusing on you being 'calm' rather than having a say? if so, that is worrying.

Also, when you say; He said he knows that but feels protective of me and doesn't want anything upsetting me..
Ok, to me that is not romantic, that is kind of controlling. It is not up to him to protect you, and by protect does he mean not allowing you to become angry at anything? That is unrealistic, and seems to infer that he wants your to be pliable and not have a personality of your own.

Apologies if I have misread the situation, but it seems to me that you have good self awareness, and want to make a change. To do this, your boyfriend needs to be supportive of you having an opinion/ being allowed to disagree with him. It is not helpful for you to feel that you have to stay quiet all the time for fear of annoying him.

You do not have to answer the following questions, but can I ask what age you are? and is this your first relationship? Do you feel that you would anger him by disagreeing with him?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your advice and insight Nymeria.

I would like to express that I very much hold my own opinions and am not afraid to speak when I need to. I do well with one-on-one conversations but I'm aware that I do become a bit more anxious with bigger groups. I am definitely not an attention seeker nor would I ever want to be. The group of people I hang out with are very respectful and polite and so I have no problem conversing, I am mainly a listener though.

I have noticed in the last few years that I have become more assertive with my own family, which is something I have never been before. They've always belittled my abilities and made me feel mentally incapable through harsh/blunt jokes and never took me seriously. I suppose some self-esteem issues have stemmed from this but I am working to get past it as I have realized that I am not incapable as they have made me out to be. I liked to think it was tough love but sometimes I question that.

The not believing in myself attitude is what I was projecting before because of self-esteem issues...and this is what is causing me to worry now. I feel I've set my relationship up for disaster because of my mess from the beginning. I feel I've made a perfectly good man into something that he shouldn't be and I am feeling responsible even though it may be irrational thinking?

Nymeria wrote: »

This is a red flag to me. He should not be suppressing your opinions just because it is inconvenient to him; a good partner should be supportive and allow you to express yourself. Do you feel that he is automatically dismissing your opinion or trying to shut you down by focusing on you being 'calm' rather than having a say? if so, that is worrying.

I will admit that he is not one to listen to my frustrations. He would either make the situation seem smaller than it is, tell me I am overreacting and to calm down or take it personally and become defensive. I never really understand why that is.

Nymeria wrote: »

Ok, to me that is not romantic, that is kind of controlling. It is not up to him to protect you, and by protect does he mean not allowing you to become angry at anything? That is unrealistic, and seems to infer that he wants your to be pliable and not have a personality of your own.

He has mentioned before that he feels if I become angry, he is fearful of losing control of the situation and wouldn't know what to do then. You are right in every way. I am very aware and cautious of this but also feel responsible for the current situation. I know it must be changed as right now, it does not seem healthy for either of us.

Nymeria wrote: »

Apologies if I have misread the situation, but it seems to me that you have good self awareness, and want to make a change. To do this, your boyfriend needs to be supportive of you having an opinion/ being allowed to disagree with him. It is not helpful for you to feel that you have to stay quiet all the time for fear of annoying him.

You do not have to answer the following questions, but can I ask what age you are? and is this your first relationship? Do you feel that you would anger him by disagreeing with him?

I do feel as if I should stay calm but I am not fearful of annoying him. I know sometimes I probably annoy him as he does me from time to time but that is part of a relationship. What's not on is me feeling I have to stay calm and him fearing he would lose control if I didn't. That's definitely an issue that must be addressed.

We are in our late twenties and this is not my first relationship. I have had a few long-term relationships before and I would be his first. I do not have any fear of angering him, I just don't want to get into an argument between us that has nothing to do with us in the first place.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Nymeria. I very much appreciate it.

beks101

You can be quiet, reserved and introverted as well as being confident and assertive OP, you do know that? As another poster said, don't confuse assertive with aggressive - two very different things.

You do seem to lack confidence in who you are though. That's where you need to start.

Start small, with body language.

Stand up straight in work or social situations, make sure you're not slouching and practicing good posture.

Maintain strong eye contact during conversations.

Address people by their first name, throw it into your conversations with them regularly. People like hearing their own names and it familiarises you with them, breaks down the barriers a little quicker.

Project your voice, speak clearly and slowly with confidence. You don't need to turn into a chatter-box, if you were truly confident you'd know that you only need to speak when you have something to say. But make sure that you're heard. Speak with certainty, try not to repeat timid words, "ifs", "buts" etc.

How people respond to you is very much about how you project yourself to the world. Quiet people are notoriously mistaken for lacking in confidence, assertion, self-esteem, and the only way to counter-act that without changing your personality is through body language.

It's a powerful tool. Give it a go!