Objective opinions on this story please and also some advice.... :(

stupidpiggy

WORST WEEKEND EVER

Hey,

I guess I need some objective opinions and a friend of mine suggested I tell my story on here in the hope that it might help.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it, i've a feeling this will be long

I'm 31, for the past 10 years I've battled eating disorders, I was raped when I was 15 and I never dealt with it, I ate on that and got really big and then anorexia/bulimia kicked in. The anorexia was short lived but bulimia just became a way of life. Very few people knew about it, it was just a way of coping with life. I guess I had really low confidence and self esteem issues and I took it outon myself anyway. I went in to treatment in September and I have been doing really well managing all that - it's a daily battle though and not an easy one. That's just slightly relevant to the rest of my story.

So! I met a guy in December 2011, nice guy, good looking, we had lots of fun together, for about 2 weeks he was perfect.....then he would come and go, to be fair to him he had some family stuff going on and he was quite upfront about how it was impacting on his life. I always felt like he didn;t like me, or just suffered me - he would never make plans in advance, always last minute stuff. I invited him to a few things and he would say he'd try and make it but i'd be out and he never showed up. He had no interest in meeting any of my friends or family or introducing me to his. I was active in my eating disorder so just assumed this was because i was a terrible person and I didn't deserve anyone's full attention so I just kept hoping that one day he would turn the corner. Things got more and more difficult as time went on, I questioned things too much and then he used my questioning as his excuse I guess, the issues I was causing were why he didn't want to meet my family. Then, he forgot my birthday and it all just went down hill from there. He finally acknowledged that he couldn't give me a proper relationship because of everything else that was going on in his life.

We stayed in touch, I still really liked him and I'm not trying to paint him as a bad guy, he's actually lovely, really nice and he never used me - even though he could have....anyway.

My eating problems hit an all time low and I decided to go in to a treatment centre for a few weeks to try and resolve it for once and for all - i'd been to so many counsellors over the years but it never seemed to make any difference, I was going to bed at night praying I wouldn't wake up. It was a low point. I tended to overcompensate and put all my energy in to being the happiest person in the room, no one would ever have suspected things were as bad as they were.

I was fairly open about going in to treatment, I told all my close friends and him. He even came in to see me which he didn't need to do - like I say, he isn't a bad person.

So, I left treatment in late October and he was on to me a bit more than usual but I knew I was vulnerable and not ready to cope with the highs and lows that situation had brought up for me before - so, I tried to keep my distance as much as I could but - I have this "thing" for him in my head so I softened up around Christmas time and we had met up once or twice and he seemed to be more interested in me than before so I started to think about the possibilities. I had always loved the idea of him, he made me laugh like no one else could and I was so comfortable around him. He knew all my issues and he was cool with them. I guess I was a bit lonely too - I have so many friends but they are all settled now, kids, married, emigrated, living with boyfriends....they have their own priorities.

So, we met up a few times and eventually after a really fun date and a movie we kissed. I literally drove home ecstatic....I'm an idiot . The next day he seemed to have backed off but I just gave him space and in a few days he was on to me again. It all seemed to finally be going somewhere. It was lovely to have a little distraction from all my recovery stuff too - i know how important it is but it can be overwhelming.

A few days later I just happened to be texting my (only single) friend who is on a dating website, she was chatting to some guy and I said "Send a pic" so she did.....and it was him.

This is where I wish the story ended. He sent me a big long explanation and I believed him. His friends set up the profile and he was only logging in to delete it....he doesn't know why but he just messaged one person, who happened to be my friend. His explanation was so long and normally his messages are only a line or 2 I think I was flattered. I did believe him though - although I was only about 90%.

I was really numbed by this an absolutley could have walked away there and then......that gave me the confident to tell him what i needed and that it was do or die - he either did this whole thing properly or didn't do it at all. The choice was his and he could walk away if he wanted to, part of me wanted him too, I didn't know that I would be able to trust him again.

So, he started making a big effort, well for him, he still never really wanted to plan anything in advance, it was always last minute - which I found hard because planning is the most important part of my recovery but I didn't want to harp on so I just appreciated that he was making an effort to see me once a week - which was a lot more than normal. He started phoning me the odd time too which was an improvement to txt messages,

I felt he was trying, but I still felt he was fairly apathetic to me, I couldn't put my finger on it really. I was never on or near the top of his priority list, it always felt like if he'd exhausted all his other options and he had nothing else to do - then he would contact me. I was still struggling with trusting him after the internet thing to so my friend (same one he messaged) suggest i make a fake profile and leave it up for a month, log in every few days to see if he sent me a message and if I got nothing in a month, delete it. So, I did this - maybe it was craft. I don't know, I just wanted to get some peace of mind without going on and on about the other incident, that wouldn't be fair if he wasn't doing anything wrong.

All of a sudden, he seemed to REALLY start making an effort, we had a chat about a few crossed wires and he was making plans, waiting around for me, ringing me, staying in touch all the time, saying nice things to me (very unusual) and silly me, I let my guard down. We even went out on Valentines night together - now granted it was last minute and he didn't give me a card and we just did the cinema which we didn;t book in advance so ended up seeing the only movie that was on and going to Mac Donalds while we waited but for me, it was huge and I was over the moon. We just had a fun night of non stop laughing and I really just felt like I knew he was worth waiting for and he just needed the space to figure out what he wanted. Honestly I was just really happy on Thursday night and all day Friday.

I thought I would see him on Saturday but his stomach was sore, so he didn't want to see me. I thought this was odd but things were going well so I didn't want to push it. It was a Sat night, I was siting in, I decided to log in to my fake pof profile - just to confirm to myself that he was amazing and I could trust him

Within 10 mins of logging in I got a message with a picture attached, before I even scrolled down to the picture I could sort of tell by the content of the message that it was him. Scrolled down, there he was

It actually felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I was just so angry that he let me fall for him and keep on falling for him - especially with where I'm at in my life right now.

I replied to the message and said it was me and that I felt bad having set the profile up but I just needed peace of mind and I hoped his stomach was feeling better, nothing left to say - take care.

Immeadiatley i got a message back with a different picture attached saying "Oh ok, this is what I really look like"

Meanwhile he's texting me like normal. I just ignored him till he sent a message saying goodnight and I said "Please stop pretending" he let me explain the whole internet story to him and then claimed he didn't know anything about it. I didn't know whether to believe him or not....like, I think he has a "can do no wrong" setting in my brain.

But then as well, I feel like I know him and he's too nice to do anything like that. He's a really lovely guy like.

Anyway - I just told him i didn't think we could fix it this time and that's the truth - i know I'd never ever trust him again. He agreed and said he's too busy and has too much going on he'd love to be able to commit to me but he can't. This made me angry I guess because I could have saved myself a whole lot of hurt if he'd acknowledged this a few weeks ago,

Also, if he doesn't have enough head space for me, how can he have head space for all these other internet girls. Unless he is telling the truth.

Here's my 2 issues - number 1, I'm afraid that he is telling the truth and although i think it's best we go our separate ways - even though he is a really sweet guy and everything - he just can't give me anything i need - I feel so horribly guilty for sending him away feeling like I think he's a liar, especially if he is a victim in all this too. I was awake last night hoping he didn't feel bad about that.

Number 2....my self esteem has just hit rock bottom, I feel really bad about myself, I'm questioning everything I think and I say now - wondering why i wasn't good enough, or just enough. I'm also angry at myself for allowing it to progress this far. I should have called time when I knew he wouldn't be able to put the effort in.

Anyway, First of all objectively, I guess I gave all the facts so it might be easier for people to work out if he was telling the truth or not. Also, I dunno, about the self esteem, I can;t give up another 5 weeks of my life to go back to rehab and get that fixed.

I'm a bit of a mess today honestly!

Thanks in advance, apologies for the length! :O

MissFlitworth

stupidpiggy wrote: »

Anyway, First of all objectively, I guess I gave all the facts so it might be easier for people to work out if he was telling the truth or not.

He is absolutely & utterly lying to you. Sure, sometimes weird soap opera things happen and people have their photos stolen & someone exactly copies their style of writing in emails but you *have* to trust yourself on this, this guy is registered on that dating site and he is lying to you. He isn't a sweet guy - if he was he wouldn't be playing around with your mind when he knows you're in recovery, that makes him a fairly scummy person.

Honestly, trust yourself here. Your brain is roaring at you that this guy is taking the absolute and utter piss & he's going to hurt you.

This is nothing to do with you either, it's not a case of you not being good enough. You're just vulnerable at the moment and because you can't quite trust yourself (and you will trust yourself some day, you really will) this guy was able to mess with your head.

JaneeMack

I do feel your pain and being in my early 30's and going through some relationship issues myself, I do feel for you and I hope you feel better about yourself soon!!

I think you need to cut all communication with this guy. From my experience, when a guy likes you, he will make all possible efforts to see you again, well in advance, and stay in touch to keep that romance alive.

I was in a similar situation with two men, not at the same time obviously, (who were both in their early 30's and I thought they were being as serious as I was) and I had to really push myself not to talk to them again because they were just driving me up the wall with all these questions and doubts, even though I really liked them. Ever heard of the expression 'He's just not that into you?' If he's not willing to make that effort, why are you torturing yourself like this? They are just not worth your time and energy, girl!

Sometimes you have to think about what is best for you. Do you really care about how he feels after all the lies he's told you? If he had more respect for you, he probably wouldn't have done all this - creating a profile on a dating website, sending messages to random girls and then lying to you.

Regarding your eating disorder, I'm glad you sought professional help and I hope you continue to do so. I'm not very familiar with eating disorders but I hope you learn to love yourself as much as other people love you! I'm sure you're a very lovable person and that there are lots of people who care about you.

Delete his number and all his messages and move on. You will find someone nice again.

LegacyUser

This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm sorry, it's quite clear that you are under his spell but like the previous poster said. Things like this happen in TV shows and movies. The don't happen in real life, not twice.

I have some experience with bulimia and other addictions and what you are doing is amazing, it's a very difficult illness to overcome and you are so early in your recovery you really need to be careful about what you expose yourself to.

In the beginning recovery is such hard work and it demands so much of your energy - you don't have time for complications like this.

All of us addicts are the same, we want to make everyone else happy regardless of how much they hurt us. It's really good you told him what you needed but it's very important for you to follow through and walk away now that he has confirmed to you that he cannot meet your basic needs.

As far as I can tell he doesn't deserve an ounce of your time. You need to stop fooling yourself in to thinking he is a nice guy also, it will only make it harder to separate from you.

Nice guys meet your friends and family, they want to see you and they make sure they see you. Nice guys don't make you question yourself worth.

He sounds like a horrible person, you cannot deal with him, you are too vulnerable to take on this kind of selfishness - he'll extract everything you have got and give you nothing in return - maybe that's the point you are already at. It's understandable you would feel sad and a mess today.

You trusted someone and they let you down. It's one of the hardest things anyone ever goes through.

Well done getting help for your bulimia, keep up the good work and get rid off this asshole from your life and your head. He'll drag you back in to your illness and he'll probably feel a sense of accomplishment when you get there. Avoid

beks101

I actually think this relationship stuff is very relevant to your recovery and something you would benefit hugely from if you were to bring it up with your therapist.

Accepting this guy into your life and all his lies, bull****, drama, lack of commitment, lack of respect for you and total inability to meet your needs points to a low self esteem and damaged sense of self-worth that is at the heart of your eating disorder.

I went through a relationship upset not completely dissimilar to this recently, I also have a history with an eating disorder and I found it all very triggering. The compulsion to use food & weight to cope with the negative feelings about myself was almost overwhelming.

Make no mistake about it - if you allow this to continue & don't deal with the self esteem problems that got you here, your recovery WILL be jeopardized and your health will be on the line. If you can't assert yourself here and walk away from a situation that is destructive & damaging for you, you'll leave the door open for all kind of negative thoughts & behaviours in your life - including the bulimia you've been battling for so long.

So the question remains - what is more important to you, your own health and sanity or some non committal guy who has exhibited some very very dodgy & suspicious behaviour in the short time you've known him?

daisybelle2008

OP you are all over the place regarding this guy. It is not worth forensically evaluating the ins and outs of whats going on in his head as clearly you are in no way ready for an emotional romantic relationship, never mind one with someone not on the same page. You have been through a lot and are very raw.

Most recovery programmes insist on avoiding relationships for at least a year (some a lot longer) after leaving treatment. Did your counsellors not make you aware of that? I would say at your next appointment tell your counsellors everything. It is worrying how obsessive and erratic you are regarding this matter. Seriously you need to prioritise getting in an emotionally stable place in your head BEFORE you even think of dating anyone. You are no way ready. Forget about him, he is not really the problem, with your understandable fragile and vulnerable emotions you are likely to latch on to totally unsuitable people, that is the main reason why recovery programmes insist on avoiding relationships. Your judgement is clouded for a while thats why profressionals will give you the best advice. Make sure you tell them and ask them if you are in a fit emotional state to be pursuing this guy the way you are.
Good luck in your recovery, I think it will go better for you without any guy clouding your thinking.

stupidpiggy

Thanks all, especially Becks - You might have hit the nail on the head there.

Daisybelle2008....We were advised not to make any big decisions for the first year. This might include relationships or might not It depends how big the decision was.

As I said in my original post - most of my friends are settled already. I've found the best way to fight off my disease is to stay busy and distracted. I don't know if I'd be ready to take on a new person - but he was someone who was in my life already who knew all my issues - my aftercare group accepted this. Also, I did tell him what I needed and it's not like I have let this go on - I tackled it and he's gone now.

That said, the thoughts of staying alone for another 6 months or so aren't to appealing either. I wouldn't consider going back to him, ever, as much as i like him I think that situation will lead me to relapse

I think I need to work on my confidence now for a while, this has given it a terrible battering, i need to feel good about myself before i even decided if I can make decisions.

daisybelle2008

stupidpiggy wrote: »

Thanks all, especially Becks - You might have hit the nail on the head there.

Daisybelle2008....We were advised not to make any big decisions for the first year. This might include relationships or might not It depends how big the decision was.

As I said in my original post - most of my friends are settled already. I've found the best way to fight off my disease is to stay busy and distracted. I don't know if I'd be ready to take on a new person - but he was someone who was in my life already who knew all my issues - my aftercare group accepted this. Also, I did tell him what I needed and it's not like I have let this go on - I tackled it and he's gone now.

That said, the thoughts of staying alone for another 6 months or so aren't to appealing either. I wouldn't consider going back to him, ever, as much as i like him I think that situation will lead me to relapse

I think I need to work on my confidence now for a while, this has given it a terrible battering, i need to feel good about myself before i even decided if I can make decisions.

I know it seems daunting on your own, but the best way you can recover is not being distracted by head melting situations. That means leaving him and all thoughts of the situation aside for now. And really it is going down a pointless rabbitt hole evalutating him, his motives, the situation etc.

No contact is one thing but you need to conciously train yourself away from labelling his behaviour and personality (negatively or positively) and debating the ins and outs of every action of his and courting internet opinions on his actions, discussing him with your friends, or you will go around in circles, putting him down, defending him, looking for positives and swinging erratically between every emotion.

You need to leave him and that off the table and while it is hard seeing your friends settle down make the most of your time and progression to be come a lot more self reliant. Every time you are tempted to start evaluating the whys and digging through your past relationship with him, catch yourself and tell youself I am not ready for this right now. When you are in a better place you won't be bothered indulging him. But it is in your power.
P.S You said your aftercare group 'accepted this', I am not sure if you mean the relationship. Were you entirely honest about how head melted, invested and frustrated you are with the situation, including fake profiles to catch him out. You are very vulnerable, having to 'police' any relationship to that degree for lies is not right for you.

Be very honest with your aftercare group about the reasons you want to be in a relationship (lonely and all your friends settled) and the internet lies, the roller-coaster of emotions and non-commital behaviour, you have been allowing and overlooking because you want to be in a relationship and see if they are in favour of it. You will most likely get better advise there than on here to be honest OP.

stupidpiggy

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Be very honest with your aftercare group about the reasons you want to be in a relationship (lonely and all your friends settled) and the internet lies, the roller-coaster of emotions and non-commital behaviour, you have been allowing and overlooking because you want to be in a relationship and see if they are in favour of it. You will most likely get better advise there than on here to be honest OP.

I know I am a little upset by all of this today but my life hasn't actually been revolving around this guy. I have only really seen him once or twice a week but the nights that I didn't see him I was usually over with friends or out walking the dogs, cinema etc.

I would say up until this Friday he wasn't in my head loads at all - I'd have loved him to be but sure that was the issue! I was very laid back about it actually.

The fake profile I only logged in to about 3 times. I'm upset now because it all went bad but this has never been the focus of my existence or anything.

stupidpiggy

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Be very honest with your aftercare group about the reasons you want to be in a relationship (lonely and all your friends settled)

Sorry, I new there was something else I wanted to answer. This is not why I want to be in a relationship! I wanted to be in a relationship with this particular guy because I adored him.

If I just wanted a relationship for the sake of it I could go out with anyone I wanted.....I get asked out all the time.

I only mentioned my friends being settled as in - that's the norm for people my age. That's not why I want to be in a relationship.

Just to clarify, some of these posts sound like i was getting his name tattooed on me. It was only a few weeks, i ended it when it went bad....i am upset today and just wanted a second opinion - that's all

Magicmatilda

Sounds almost exactly like my ex. I also found him on the dating sites and there was all these issues with committing on any real level. In the end I found out he had been cheating physically aswell all through the relationship. I also have addiction issues and I actually met this guy through those I.e. in recovery.

If this guy on the net wasn't him, them how or why was he sending your guys photo? Look you know the truth deep down. Otherwise you wouldn't have set up the profile. What worked for me was seeing this guy and the pain he caused as another addiction. I was powerless over his affect on me but only as long as I engaged with him. So the night I found out about the cheating (after believing some bs about the dating site) I walked away. I deleted his number, blocked on Facebook and did not answer any phonecalls, emails or texts. I was already in counselling so I used that to look at why I accepted such a crap relationship anyway ( seriously you deserve more that forgetting your birthday and McDonald's on valentines, it's a sign of how bad the relationship was that you were do ecstatic over a trip to McDonald's) and why I did not listen to my instinct that had been screaming at me all along. Just over a year on and I am truly so much happier, more confident, enjoying life more. Also for the first time ever i am happy to be single. At the end of the day this guy knows how vulnerable you are and is playing on it. Stand up for yourself and stay clear of him. You deserve so much better.

dellas1979

stupidpiggy wrote: »

That said, the thoughts of staying alone for another 6 months or so aren't to appealing either.

But you are not alone! Youve got.............you!

Honest, if you work on your self esteem and your self confidence, people like this wont matter to you....because youll only want the best for yourself. When you learn to like and trust yourself, people like this are water off a ducks back. Youll actually end up laughin at them (or feeling sorry for them).

I really think you need to talk to someone to get the ball rolling on this hun.

vibrant

Hello OP.

My heart absolutely goes out to you. The way I see it, this man is a “charmer” and has learned how to act and what to say to people in order to get what he wants.

The best advice I ever got was to ask myself the following question when things were not quite adding up: “Is this good enough for me?”

May I digress off-topic here to give some context? I was in a situation quite similar to you at one stage. When Mr. Wonderful and I were together, everything in the world was filled with magic! Everything was perfect between us, he said all the right things and made me feel wonderful. When we were apart I spent the time confused, worried, full of inner turmoil. It didn’t add up to me and I was miserable. Similarly to you, I had a covert online dating account, and either brilliantly or stupidly I found him on the same website too. YES he jumped at some easy bait that was laid for him. This while we were meant to be “exclusive”. My blood ran cold, I felt weak, no, I felt SICK for about a week. I honestly did.

I know how you feel.

So I poured out my heart to someone, who asked me to ask myself “Is this good enough for me?”

It wasn’t.

I would encourage you to do the same.

Let’s look at face value:

the effect of his actions have prompted you to start this thread in the first place.
He was caught cruising online and spun you quite the yarn to explain it. Oh, his “friends” set up a profile for him? Uhm, WHY? And what are the chances of the one person he messages being your friend? Give me a break!
The impromptu date on V-Day – I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but honey, it sounds like he didn’t want to be sitting at home himself so arranged a McD and Movie night instead. I am so truly sorry if that sounds horrible, I don’t mean to sound horrible to you! I know it is the last thing you need!

All in all… I have to say…it doesn’t really add up to me – if anything all of these are big “Yer Wha??” clangers.

I think your job here is to put YOURSELF first. I do not know what it is like to battle an eating disorder, but please, don’t let him come before that. Listen to your body, look at how it is reacting to all of this.

I hope that you find some peace and quiet and calm after experiencing all of this. I swear I was in this exact predicament and I know how it all feels so big, and so loud, deafeningly loud… like there’s no room to think about anything else! Sit back for thirty minutes and think about all of the issues and points you raised, and honestly ask yourself… is this good enough for me?

LegacyUser

I have to say, I read your post twice and I am very angry with this loser, who is telling you lies by the way.

My sister had this cursed bulimia for years and like yourself did a stint in a treatment place and is doing great now but she'd be the first to say that it's a tough road.

She's been with some gob****es throughout the years but if someone carried on like this with her when she was only out the door of the treatment centre I would have killed him.

This guy sounds like a selfish inconsiderate ass. You seem like a nice girl. Stop worrying about how he's feeling and work out a fast escape strategy.

Does he not realise bulimia can end up being fatal? Dickheads like him make life difficult for girls like you and my sister.

Get away from him, delete his number if you haven't done so, remove and block him from facebook and move on. Guys like this are not capable of caring about other people

Good luck

beks101

dellas1979 wrote: »

But you are not alone! Youve got.............you!

Honest, if you work on your self esteem and your self confidence, people like this wont matter to you....because youll only want the best for yourself. When you learn to like and trust yourself, people like this are water off a ducks back. Youll actually end up laughin at them (or feeling sorry for them).

I really think you need to talk to someone to get the ball rolling on this hun.

This this this.

OP, you're walking around in a haze of raw pain and emotions and post-traumatic stress at the moment so you're unable to evaluate your own circumstances from a healthy mindset.

You suffered through something deeply traumatic as a teenager and developed an eating disorder to cope with this. All of that has led you to this place in your life where you are attracted to people and behaviours that aren't good for you, because that's been your currency ever since you were fifteen years old.

This guy is no good for you. You know that in your gut, but he's becoming another addiction to hold onto - perhaps as you try to shake the old one?

You really need to focus on your recovery as a matter of priority. This guy might be good for you in that sense - if he makes you realize how fragile and vulnerable the recovery process is and how important it is to walk away from the people and the situations that bring back all those negative feelings you have about yourself.

Consider him a lesson and vow to walk away now. No more texts, no more calls, no more facebook - just walk.

stupidpiggy

Thanks everyone. Some really good advice. I think I know in my heart he was lying but thinking about him being active on a dating site while I was convinced we were going well just makes me feel horrible. Nauseated. Like a total idiot.

I've deleted and blocked him off FB and deleted his number. I think maybe he knows it's dead too and hopefully won't get in touch. I can't even think about how I'll deal with it if he does, I'm not great at ignoring people, I always feel rude and afraid I'm hurting them. I know that sounds mad!!! It's just me, I feel bad about myself if I'm mean to people, no matter how badly they've treated me.

I'm ok anyway, very sad and low but I have my aftercare today which I'm glad about.

Thank you everyone

Lorna123

You feel bad because this guy is lying to you and is messing with your brain. You are finding it hard to get over the fact that he would do such a thing. I also find it hard to believe that someone would lie like that but there are people like that in the world. The only way to get on top of this is not to have any more interaction with him, don't leave yourself open to any more of his lies. You will be empowered when you cut him off and forget about him. You are worth more than this.

dellas1979

stupidpiggy wrote: »

I'm not great at ignoring people, I always feel rude and afraid I'm hurting them. I know that sounds mad!!! It's just me

Actually no, this isnt you. Its just behaviour in yourself that youve become acostomed/used to. That is all linked into self esteem and self confidence as per earlier post.

It is perfectly acceptable to want people to like you and not hurt others. But for the right reasons. Its actually a very good characteristic to have. But you have to draw a line, or create a "new" filter.

You cant blame yourself for other people's behaviour. Did you make him do all that? No. You are taking the blame yourself (which you seem to be doing). We can be very good at this. You are calling yourself now an "idiot" for something you didnt even do and had no control over! All you did was like/semi-trusted the guy. There is absolutely no shame in that. Hes the idiot.

But as said, you need to find a way to filter everything...whats acceptable, whats not acceptable, and how to cope when you meet people like this again (unfortunately, you probably will). And one of the ways is to talk to someone who will give you the tools to do all this.