Is this too much?

LegacyUser

This by no means a huge issue but just looking for opinions on the following;

Had a fcuk buddy thing with a guy a few years ago which consisted of just meeting up for sex when we were both on a night out or whatever, having some light hearted pillow talk, and leaving the next morning. We would text now and again but very rarely and that was about the extent of it.

Now I had a pretty terrible year last year (not relationship related) and am only just getting back on top of things emotionally so I don't feel I'm ready or in the right place to get into a relationship with anyone. I met a guy just over a month ago and due to work issues (which I won't go into) there wasn't much potential of a relationship happening between us, so I assumed it was just a casual thing which suited me fine and the guy in question also discussed it just being a casual thing.

Here's where the confusion starts, it's staring to feel a bit 'much' for a fcuk buddy thing. We go for drinks, dinner, cinema, regularly, we have long chats and he tells me everything that's going on in his life, we do end up having (a lot!) of sex together after we go for said drinks, cinema etc but he'll stay for a few hours afterwards and we'll watch a film or something together before he leaves if he has work the next morning. When I stay in his place at weekends he assumes I'll be staying the night. He'll text me randomly during the week to ask how I am, how work is going etc. Also without going into too much detail now and again he'll offer to go out of his way to help me with certain things.

It's just it's all so different to the last casual relationship I had, and while I do really like the guy, I don't think I could sustain that much contact much longer without getting at least a little emotionally invested, I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to jump ship before it gets too complicated.

To get to the point of my post, I guess I just wanted an outside perspective is it just me being naive or does this all seem a bit too much 'contact' for a casual relationship??

ladysarah

He certainly is treating you with great respect. Maybe he is a warm hearted guy who likes to treat woman well and feels very comfortable around you. My advise if you definely do not want a relationship with this guy talko him and highlight the fact that it will never be anymore then friends with benefits.Once you are honest with him it is upto him. Otherwise enjoy it for what it is.

wurzlitzer

I could have written that post two years ago.

I jumped into a similar relationship after my father died. Where both parties agreed it was casual, his mum was terminally ill and he was due to go on a round the world trip seven months later. He had two kids as well, & he told me his kids would always come first I went along with the arrangement "friends with benefits" etc

But then he started to want to see me more after just one week, inviting me for an Indian, cinema & around to his house for dinner. After four months of "dating" & a lot of sex. I fell for him emotionally, that's when it got complicated. His mum passed away, & he left, as the arrangement had been casual, we kept in contact but there was no mention of real commitment. At this stage I was hooked on him. But when he returned three months ago from his travels the "friends with benefits" was not so attractive, he was emotionally unavailable, & felt it was more of a relationship, He broke it off he said he just was not feeling it. So cut a long story short he courted me relentlessly until I fell for him, kept me on the backburner & when I fell for him completely he pulled the rug out from under my feet, coz the chase was complete.

Now this guy may be genuine, but when a relationship is so intense in the beginning you have to be very weary. Men love a challenge & a chase, so you maybe a challenge to him, so you may have to ask him where this is going, before you become emotionally invested.

Also make sure that he is not on a rebound, as I have found the hard way men & people in general tbh who are fresh out of a relationship & jump straight into another straight afterwards are still yearning for all the benefits that came with the previously failed relationship, company sex someone to do activities with etc.

If it is real & not just lust then give it a go & take it slower protect yourself emotionally. my guy called me his "beloved" & his "sweetheart" after a month which I found intense but it really sucked me in. I was not in an emotionally good place when he wooed me, looking back I should have taken it slower to really evaluate my feelings, to be honest I slept with him too soon too often. He would bring me out on dates then ask me to seduce him at the end of the night, stay a couple of hours then leave coz he had work in the morning.

So okay you find it intense, but as far as I see you need to protect yourself if you feel in anyway emotionally vulnerable. What you have to make sure is that his intentions are honourable and genuine.

Ensure he is not rebounding, that he is not carrying any emotional baggage.
Try & ensure midweek dates don't always end up in bed.
As for texts to see how your day is & how work is going during the week, I always found infuriating, if I am sharing a bed with someone on a regular basis they should call to see how my day was & how work was much more personal. But each to his/her own. But be weary of a just txt contact.

I know this may sound American, you need to establish some boundaries. Sometimes what happens alot in friends with benefits situations when the relationship is not defined and it leads to one of the parties becoming more invested in it & the other just wants to continue as before without any real commitment, it may end badly.

So have a talk with him, ask him what his intentions are, establish whether it's girlfriend boyfriend situation, but take it slow, coz oxytocin may bite you in the ass.

dannyc31

while I do really like the guy, I don't think I could sustain that much contact much longer without getting at least a little emotionally invested, I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to jump ship before it gets too complicated.

this kinda jumps out at me. while in theory **** buddies works well for both parties, most of the time somebody tends to get more emotionally involved than the other. its clear to me that the guy may of had intentions of it just been a casual thing but somewhere along the line he started to see you as girlfriend material. his behaviour is all that of a man who wants you to see him as a potential long term serious partner.

i could ask whats the problem, why not let things happen, alot of people often say things are complicated when they get involved with someone but if you really like the person then why not give it a shot. what is it that scares you so much about making things more like dating with this guy? no matter what it takes two to tango and you were going along with all his invites to dinner, cinema and offering to do things etc etc, you could of fobbed him off more as you knew it was all heading into relationship teritory but you didnt, instead you went with it which makes me wonder deep down is it actually what you would like but are worried about your feelings and getting hurt.

if you're well sure that its just the sex you want i would end things with this guy because he is gone past that stage even if he hasnt admitted it to you. its not fair on him. on the other hand if you do like him and everything he has been doing for you, then why not take a leap of fate and have a conversation with him about making things more official.

Cupcake_Crisis

People seem to think that people who are in a purely sexual relationship can't respect each other and enjoy each others company outside the bedroom. To me, he just sounds like a decent, respectful guy who wants to treat you well. I know personally when I am in a fcuk buddy type situation I have had expectations that don't fall too short of the guy in question. As long as he knows the limitations of the relationship I think you're on to a good thing.

LegacyUser

I know this may sound American, you need to establish some boundaries. Sometimes what happens alot in friends with benefits situations when the relationship is not defined and it leads to one of the parties becoming more invested in it & the other just wants to continue as before without any real commitment, it may end badly.

So have a talk with him, ask him what his intentions are, establish whether it's girlfriend boyfriend situation,

My advise if you definely do not want a relationship with this guy talko him and highlight the fact that it will never be anymore then friends with benefits.Once you are honest with him it is upto him. Otherwise enjoy it for what it is.

See that's kind of the problem really we've already had that conversation, which was initiated by him actually. We went on a few "dates" I guess you could call them for a week or so and (trying not to give too much away) then one night he brought up the 'work situation' and the conversation that if we continued 'seeing' each other it would have to just be a casual thing (which I was fine with as I had assumed that it was only casual from the beginning anyway). I guess I had expected him to lessen contact after we had that chat - but he didn't.

his behaviour is all that of a man who wants you to see him as a potential long term serious partner.

i could ask whats the problem, why not let things happen, alot of people often say things are complicated when they get involved with someone but if you really like the person then why not give it a shot. what is it that scares you so much about making things more like dating with this guy?

I guess if I'm being honest, yes I could see myself giving this guy a chance, not ideal timing though (although by admitting that I guess it shows i'm already too invested for the fcuk buddy thing to work really). The problem being I've made the mistake in the past of reading too much into situations and ignoring what the guy is actually telling me only to get hurt. This guy has told me he only wants a casual thing, to me his actions would seem to suggest he wants more (which is why I wanted an outside perspective), but that's not what he's told me, I don't want to make the same mistake twice I guess and end up hurt.

no matter what it takes two to tango and you were going along with all his invites to dinner, cinema and offering to do things etc etc, you could of fobbed him off more as you knew it was all heading into relationship teritory but you didnt, instead you went with it which makes me wonder deep down is it actually what you would like but are worried about your feelings and getting hurt.

I really hope I don't come across like I'm leading this guy on, I accepted his invites to cinema drinks etc but I never took him up on his offers to go out of his way to help me as I didn't think it was fair. As far as I was/am concerned he's told me it's not a relationship. Which is why I guess I'm finding his actions so confusing.

Thanks for the replies guys, sorry if I sound a bit rambling but it does at least help getting some kind of perspective on things!

ShowMeTheCash

It does not sound like you love him...
I used to use "I am not ready for a relationship" all the time, I could even argue due to whatever reasons I probably was not ready...
But when you find someone you actually love, the idea of not having it is too painful... ready or not you would not want to let it go...

We all use people from time to time, we may argue that "well i was up front about what I wanted" does not really matter... You may even be using each other...

These situations can be tricky, need to be careful feelings do not get hurt along the way!