Relationship mess and don't know how to get out

HenryChinaski

I've been dating a girl for about four months now and am starting to realize I made a big mistake. I took a bad breakup last year and was heartbroken for months, then I met this girl and dived into it. Instead of taking it slow, I let myself get sucked in and now she says she loves me and has quit her job to try and move closer to me but I can't stay with her. We live abroad and she has a terrible job working for an absolute tyrant who treats her like a piece of dirt. She is Chinese and unfortunately we are in a country where she is very much considered a third class citizen. Anyway, she is super intelligent and really pretty, and I think her work situation and the fact she is quite young and innocent, I basically tried to take her under my wing but I fell for her hard and fast.

However she is an extremely negative person, and makes a mountain out of every little molehill in her day to day life. I assumed that her job was the problem (which it kind of is) and that once she got free she would probably be a lot more relaxed. She doesn't finish til the end of March in fairness but I'm now starting to realize that she thrives on negativity and drama and is incapable of allowing herself to be happy. I try so hard to suggest solutions to her problems but she is completely unreceptive. I swear I've never heard the words 'no but...' from any one person as much as this girl. I try to be romantic, to surprise her, to cook for her, the girl is never happy. Also she has been in this country several months, and still hasn't made one bit of effort to learn even the most basic phrases. Isn't not even learning to say thank you just plain rude? Another thing is, she is completely helpless, she won't do anything for herself, she refuses to learn to navigate the country or culture that she lives in, she lives off fast food and ****ty snacks, she is stick thin, she doesn't look after herself and then acts like it's not her fault. I mean she is a highly intelligent, highly educated, tri-lingual girl yet she's behaving like this??

I have tried to address this with her several times and says she hears me but doesn't change. I got a bit pissy about it last week then, and she almost had a panic attack, crying and hyperventilating begging me not to break up with her and saying how much she loves me. Anyway the final straw has come today. She has one student who is a married doctor and has been very kind to her and helped her quite a lot. He asked her during the week to take her to a museum today and I told her she should go but that she needed to make it very clear to him from the get-go that she has a boyfriend and is not interested in him. Of course, off she goes, spends the day with him, goes for a long walk, no mention of me. Then as he dropped her home he tried to kiss her. She said he took her hand and touched her face and tried to pull her toward him for a kiss. She goes and dives out of his car, slams the door, and calls me in hysterics. I f**king thought she was going to tell me he raped her. Then obviously relieved I was a bit calmer and just tried to calm her down but I struggled to come up with any words. Now she is in a big strop with me for being too calm and NOT flying off the handle, ranting and raving about how angry I am with him.

Seriously her negativity is starting to poison me now. I've been finding myself complaining and getting frustrated and bitching about all the quirks of this culture, that I've always just accepted as the cultural differences they are. And to top it off, one of my best friends and arguably the most compatible girl I've ever known is coming to see me in three weeks. We have been platonic friends for years and have even lived together. We have the same friends, my family love her, we both love wine and travel and the same foods, she is beautiful, intelligent, independent, successful, compassionate, and cultured. The fact that she is still single is a miracle. Then over the last couple of years, since I moved away, we have started to bond on what feels like a much more intimate level albeit from a distance. She has talked about coming to visit for a while and I've figured that if she ever comes, it will mean a lot. And now she is coming and I'm like a kid at Christmas, I'm so excited.

Yet here I am, with this miserable girl, who I know I have to get away from (before the one I want gets here) but am really worried about hurting her. Angry and frustrated as I am, she loves me and I do have strong feelings for her. Also, the logistics of how to break up with her are really bothering me too. She lives an hour away by bus and has a roommate so she always comes here and I never go to her. So here are what I can see as my break up options.

1. Phone her and tell her I'm coming down to her. She'll immediately smells a rat and I'm forced to do it by phone.

2. She comes here, I break up with her and then what, drop her at the bus station and tell her good luck. That feels very harsh and I really don't want to it.

Neither of them sound very pleasant. Also it's gonna be tough so I need somewhere private to it. I mean, what the hell do I do here? What is the gentlest way to hurt her? Also, if she presses me, do I keep just saying I see no future for us, or do I tell her why, that I'm unhappy and it's her own doing because she is so negative and impossible to please. Seriously, what can I say to her, other than I think she needs to finish up next month and go back to China, and sort her life out. Take this little experience as an experiment that she wasn't ready for and go back to the drawing board? Seriously, please someone help me!

daisybelle2008

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Yet here I am, with this miserable girl, who I know I have to get away from (before the one I want gets here)

Also, if she presses me, do I keep just saying I see no future for us, or do I tell her why, that I'm unhappy and it's her own doing because she is so negative and impossible to please. Seriously, what can I say to her, other than I think she needs to finish up next month and go back to China, and sort her life out.

OP you entertained and rushed into this relationship as a rebound and distraction for your heartbreak. Do not turn around and insult this girl telling her it is her fault for being negative and impossible and go back to china to sort herself out, when you didn't bother to get to know her properly and figure out if you were compatible before getting 'sucked in' and declaring love. Now you want to clear the decks and make room for someone else, that is absolutely your prerogative, but you have absolutely no right to indicate the problem is she didn't change her personality to your liking, when you choose the wrong person and ran with it long after the sell by date. I'll wager you would drag this sh*tty relationship out longer if you didn't have someone else lined up.
Have some balls tell her you are not compatible, you rushed into things, see no future, that you should have seen that sooner and leave it at that.

Mr. Incognito

You need to man up and drop this ball of crazy asap.

Yes you will feel guilty. Yes, she will cry and beg and you will feel like crap but seriously, you cannot "save" this girl from herself and you will only sink with her.

Plenty more pretty, intelligent SANE people in the world.

Everyone always has an excuse. It's the people that don't make excuses are the nobility in this life.

Four months, lesson learnt. Get rid asap.

I wouldn't normally advocate dumping by phone but that hour's distance is your saving grace here. Drop her over the phone and avoid thereafter.

Roisy7

Eh, am I alone in feeling some sympathy for this girl? She's obviously unhappy in this new country (wouldn't you be if you were considered a third class citizen?) and while her faults are glaringly obvious, I don't think she deserves the way you've written about her here. If I was her, I would be horrified to find out that's the way my boyfriend thought about me.

She can probably sense your resentment, even subconsciously, and that's probably why she's clinging to you like a limpet and is extremely negative. I have some sympathy for you OP, but cut her a bit of slack.

As for the other girl- if you're so compatible, and she's so amazing, why haven't you asked her out before? Something to think about. Be wary of putting people on pedestals- no one is made to be the perfect statue.

Seriously, you're just prolonging the agony. Bite the bulllet and dump her. Get a bus to her house, dump her and leave. It won't kill you to pay the bus fare this once. As you say, doing it at yours is harsh, doing it by phone is worse. The fact you're even worrying about the logistics is just proof of how lily-livered you're being.

Do the right thing. And be wary about jumping into another relationship; I don't think this jumping from girl to girl is doing you any favours.

Lorna123

I am a great advocate of writing her a letter in this case explaining that you have outgrown this relationship. You don't have to feel that just because she was there for you when you needed someone that you are committed to staying with her forever. If you meet up with her she could go hysterical and then where will you be. I think it is better for her to receive a letter from you, give her time to digest it, and then she will be in a position to discuss it in person if you want to discuss it with her. You owe her an explanation as to why you want to end it but after that you owe her nothing. Don't get into a tizzy about this OP, your first priority is yourself, so get out your paper and pencil and write down what you want to say to her and even if you don't want to post it have it rehearsed so that you will be clear on what you want to say. Get out of this relationship asap and take a deep breath.

dannyc31

just dump her OP. life is too short to be wasting any of it unhappy with crazy attention seeking drama queens like this. i know the feeling thou, i had a similar ex girlfriend and seriously when i think but i find it hard to believe i put up with her for as long as i did. no point listing all her flaws out to her when you do it thou, thats not gonna help the situation. just put it all on yourself and tell her that your feelings have just changed and that you dont love her anymore and are not sure why but you cant argue with feelings. which is probably kinda true even thou its her behaviour is whats caused you to want out.

cruel to be nice is this case is the name of the game for your own sanity at least.

HenryChinaski

Thanks for the responses. I know I made a mistake jumping in and know what I have to do but I'm dreading it nonetheless. I do feel bad now about the way I wrote about her. I was extremely frustrated when I posted the other night and was probably a bit harsh. But likewise her negativity and lust for drama has only really reared it's head in recent weeks. I knew her job situation was bad and was stressing her but it took me time to realize that she actually likes to feel sorry for herself and complain about life. That she actually goes out and subconsciously invites drama into her life. It was only recently when she told me that she believed happiness was only something that comes in fleeting moments and that the idea of being content with life sounded ridiculous to her.

As for the other girl, I don't plan on jumping straight into it with her. It's just if there is something bigger between us, it will be a game changer for me but I still can't go home for at least another year so I'm not looking to dive in with her. At the same time this visit could be really important in determining what happens next in my life.

Also the bus trip to break up with my girlfriend makes no difference to me, it's the fact that I'll have nowhere private to go meet her down there because she has a room mate so I'd basically be limited to a coffeeshop and that's not cool. Also I don't know where her gaff is and if I call her to say I'm coming down, she'll know what's up. Personally I think I have to do it face to face as I can't bring myself to do it over the phone.

I feel like such a coward though. I've never really dumped someone who loved me before and I'm terrified of it.

Hannibal Smith

OP fair play...at least you're honest.

to be fair...I wouldn't rush into dumping this girl because your friend is coming. your girlfriend deserves your time. you're both in a serious relationship and to finish it quickly to start up a new relationship isn't fair.

when you've finished with her...chill out...don't just hop into another relationship.

Roisy7

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Thanks for the responses. I know I made a mistake jumping in and know what I have to do but I'm dreading it nonetheless. I do feel bad now about the way I wrote about her. I was extremely frustrated when I posted the other night and was probably a bit harsh. But likewise her negativity and lust for drama has only really reared it's head in recent weeks. I knew her job situation was bad and was stressing her but it took me time to realize that she actually likes to feel sorry for herself and complain about life. That she actually goes out and subconsciously invites drama into her life. It was only recently when she told me that she believed happiness was only something that comes in fleeting moments and that the idea of being content with life sounded ridiculous to her.

As for the other girl, I don't plan on jumping straight into it with her. It's just if there is something bigger between us, it will be a game changer for me but I still can't go home for at least another year so I'm not looking to dive in with her. At the same time this visit could be really important in determining what happens next in my life.

Also the bus trip to break up with my girlfriend makes no difference to me, it's the fact that I'll have nowhere private to go meet her down there because she has a room mate so I'd basically be limited to a coffeeshop and that's not cool. Also I don't know where her gaff is and if I call her to say I'm coming down, she'll know what's up. Personally I think I have to do it face to face as I can't bring myself to do it over the phone.

I feel like such a coward though. I've never really dumped someone who loved me before and I'm terrified of it.

It's good to hear that you're not rushing into things. I still think you should do it at her place, surely you can ask her roommate for some privacy. She may not realise that there's anything up, and there's always Google Maps? Speaking from experience, going to a guy's place to get dumped unexpectedly is very unpleasant, and I only had to walk across campus to get home, not an hour's bus journey :P

Her roommate will be there to console her after, and if she kicks off, you can just leave, rather than try and get her to leave your house.

Just a thought...

daisybelle2008

OP I think you need to refrain from picking holes in her personality. It is not doing you any favours. You have already decided to end it, I am really not sure why you need to keep cutting her to pieces (are you trying to justify breaking up with her?). You don't need to justify that or keep criticising her, to us or to her face (like you were planning to do, hopefully not anymore).

I remember your previous posts last year about the girl you couldn't stop cheating on (must be the girl before this one?). So again good to remember none of us are perfect in relationships to be criticising as much as you are.

You jumped into a hard and fast into this relationhip, you are not compatible so just leave it at that. When you are in a position to live your life perfectly and not make mistakes or be hinging it on other people (future girl) then you will be entitled to tell other people to sort themselves out, but in all honesty none of us are that perfect.

Break-ups happen, it is better to move on when you find you are with someone you are incompatible, you don't need to be making her or yourself out to be the baddie.

And you are rushing emotionaly into the next relationship even though say you are not. The visit is going to determine 'what happens next in your life'??? Come on OP. All this jumping from girl to girl, cheating and then being negative about them could be seen as exhibiting the same qualities (negativity and lust for drama) as your current girlfriend that you are so critical about.