Telling my daughter about her dad.

Ms. Pingui

Hi, I was wondering is anyone could give me some advice.
My daughters dad sadly died by suicide when she was 11 months old.
She will be turning 3 this summer. The topic might not come up for a long while yet but I want to be prepared for when it does.

What should I tell her when she asks about her daddy? I am not religious at all so I don't want to tell her he is in heaven or with holy God or anything like that.

What would be the best way of going about this?

Any help is greatly appreciated.

CollardGreens

Could you tell her he was sick and passed away? Suicide is sort of a sickness in a sad way. When she is older you could go into detail, but quite possibly this will give you a few more years if/when she ask before she is old enough to understand the details.

I am not religious either, but I do believe in Jesus. My brother died and I believe he is with Jesus. Just my personal opinion (and unasked for I realize) but I think that a good bit of "religions" chase people away from getting to know Jesus.

I wish you the best, you are so blessed to have your daughter ~ I never had any children, lost one @ 10 weeks many years ago.

lukesmom

I would wait until she is 18 at least before I tell her about how her father died. When she has finished school and has matured enough to understand then perhaps I would tell her then. Until then I would say he was sick and passed away suddenly and peacefully. All the best.

3rdDegree

The only concern is if you leave it until she is 18 and she finds out from someone else, she could be very hurt and resentful towards you. Is there any danger of that happening?

Ms. Pingui

3rdDegree wrote: »

The only concern is if you leave it until she is 18 and she finds out from someone else, she could be very hurt and resentful towards you. Is there any danger of that happening?

Yes, her dad's family would definitely tell her. They would feel they have the right to do it and I would rather that I be the one to tell her about it.

I'm just wondering how to tell her that he has passed away when she is so little. I'm sure she won't understand that but she is going to start asking questions about her daddy once she starts playschool/ school and hears other kids talking about their dads.

vitani

I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Pingui.

I'm not raising my daughter as Catholic either, so I don't know how I'll explain death to her in time without the standard 's/he's gone to Heaven' line.

I did find a book about explaining suicide to young children, if it's of any help to you?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Flower-Bulb-Gormally-Eleanor/dp/1847302602/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361448773&sr=8-1

leanonme

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Yes, her dad's family would definitely tell her. They would feel they have the right to do it and I would rather that I be the one to tell her about it.

I'm just wondering how to tell her that he has passed away when she is so little. I'm sure she won't understand that but she is going to start asking questions about her daddy once she starts playschool/ school and hears other kids talking about their dads.

My mother passed away when I was three, I don't remember being told that she had died. But I did find out when I was older that my family had told me that my mother was not well and that she had passed away and that she was playing in the clouds and that when u see a rainbow or sun raise that is her. Telling her when she is three or four you will need a lot less details than when she is older. So a little amount of detail is all she will require.

I don't believe you should keep it from her until her is 18, you would have lied to her for all of her life and she would find it difficult to trust you.

If her father had died this way when she was 14 would you try hide the truth from her. I remember a close family member died by suicide when I was eight and no body sat me down to tell me what happened but I knew from over hearing people. You should never lied to your child.

ElleEm

I worked with a child of a similar age whose father died by suicide. I was working with him (through play therapy) for another issue, when it came out that his father had died by suicide. He was 4, his father had died a year earlier. The mother asked the same questions as you, and as I didn't have any experience in that area, I consulted with child bereavement counsellors I worked alongside. I fed the info back to the mother afterwards.

The bereavement counsellors said she should be honest about how the dad dies, in an age appropriate way. Be clear in the language used, (I think you're on the right track here, avoiding the whole "heaven" thing). One counsellor said that the mother should say something around "Daddy decided he couldn't live anymore because he was so sick/ in pain, etc.". Everyone has preconcieved ideas of suicide, whereas a kid that young doesn't. It would be too big a shock for her to find out when she knows what suicide is, and has an impression of the type of person who does it. Make sure you talk about her dad in a positive way too. She needs to know he was a person with likes/ dislikes too. The kid I worked with loved knowing he looked like his dad, had similar food tastes, etc. It allowed him to feel connected to his father.

I would really encourage you to contact your local family centre. They may be able to help or point you in the direction of someone who can. Even one session, a recommendation of books, etc. could really help you. It is important that you inform the dad's family of the "story" you are going to tell your child. It is important that everyone is on the same page, and not confusing the kid. You may find that your daughter may ask about her dad, you answer the question, and you may not hear another question for a month. There is no need to bombard her with info. Only answer what she asks, but be prepared that she may surprise you by asking you questions at the strangest of times.

Ms. Pingui

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
All of the advice is very helpful.

I'm also rather worried about her dads family. I fear they may say something to her before she asks or is ready to hear about it. They are quite bossy and will probably do as they like regardless of my opinion.

ElleEm

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
All of the advice is very helpful.

I'm also rather worried about her dads family. I fear they may say something to her before she asks or is ready to hear about it. They are quite bossy and will probably do as they like regardless of my opinion.

This was similar in the case I worked on. We invited the mother of the child to invite a member/ members of the father's family to a session with the bereavement counsellor so they could hear the advice first hand. Maybe this could work for you? If your ex's mother/ father/ sister/ brother went with you, they may feel more involved in. They may also be more likely to follow guidance from a third party, who is objective in the situation.

Ms. Pingui

ElleEm wrote: »

This was similar in the case I worked on. We invited the mother of the child to invite a member/ members of the father's family to a session with the bereavement counsellor so they could hear the advice first hand. Maybe this could work for you? If your ex's mother/ father/ sister/ brother went with you, they may feel more involved in. They may also be more likely to follow guidance from a third party, who is objective in the situation.

Thank you. I'll start looking for a bereavement counseling service in my area!

liquoriceall

Hi I just spotted this thread and want to say good luck but try not to let how he died become the defining thing about him talk about him otherwise if you can
Good luck