trial seperation any use?

Fri.Day

Hi
Im at my wits end and have no solution to my marriage problems
I dont even know where to start to ask for help
Im married a 18 months with a baby a few months old and maybe another on the way. Im threatening miscarriage these last few weeks.
My husband hasnt worked since we got married, he gave up his part time work and dole to start a new career in something he's interested in. I miscarried shortly after we got married during which he totally ignored me and sat watching tv til the early hours til it was over. I was devastated. I tried putting this behind us but i dont think i did/can. I paid for everything and anything to get him working, courses, suits , shirts, ties, computers, nlp counsellors etc and nothing seems to work.
I had a baby since and was a nervous wreck while pregnant, worrying about losing the baby, him not making any money to support us, not helping out around the house, not being emotionally available, indifferent to my concerns.
Since having the baby ive been really emotional, crying at everything, probably postnatel depression but mostly caused by his lack of effort.
He didnt claim the dole since because he says he'd be less motivated to work but has been living off me since, which i didnt mind as i earned more than him all along i got used to paying for more things. I also didnt want to go 50/50 with bills for that same reason and thought we were both in it together so id take the hit til he was earning. He got a sales job about 8 months ago, and has yet to make anything. We share days minding baby so he works tue weds and thurs. So what he does is hang around the house either reading books surfing the net or other useless stuff while i cant do any tidying etc cos he's set up camp.
His reasons during all this have changed as he been going along, starting offwith his lack of dicipline, confidence , wrong atitude, to lately saying he needs to get his phone calls and presentation stuff performed better before he can follow through... Ive been let down and lied to so often over the last 2years, between coming home unexpectedly finding him on xbox and looking up the latest celebrity gossip. Empty promises of ill change or im gonna put in 110%
Im sick and tired asking, nagging and pleading for some support. His workmates are on massive money but if he only earned min wage we'd be loaded.
Ive asked him now to move out cos hes refused to come back to counselling with me. Maybe an 8 week break or something. I dont know what to do. I think if i was reading this from someone else id say leave especially since this week he said he wasnt in the mood to remember my birthday. But its hard to leave when i do still love him, but hes not the man i married anymore.
Thanks

Brego888

As you said yourself you need to leave him.
I dont like to say it but your husband is a waste of space and you dont want your kids growing up in that environment.

He wouldnt collect to dole because he prefered to sponge off you?? What the hell is that about. Selfish and idiotic behaviour.

Trial seperation maybe but it would take a remarkable turn around in attitude to give him another chance.

blatantrereg

You're taking too much on yourself. Working and looking after a small kid is loads to take on from the start; you've also been taking responsibility for your husband while not receiving any form of support from him, based on what you're saying.

It's not a good idea to take on that much, especially for an indefinite period. You might handle it ok for a while - but you seem to have reached the point where the stress is effecting your well-being.

It's simple enough really: You need to release some of the responsibilities you've taken on. If you're accurate in your description of things with your husband, then separating with him would seem to considerably lighten your load, without losing any support.

dellas1979

Sounds like you are looking after yourself and not 1 but 2 kids!

Youve done everything you can. You can accept with yourself that youve tried your best. The thing with people changing is that they have to do it, themselves. No amount of you wanting him to change will make a difference.

Time to change tactic now. Maybe space at this stage will make him cop on. Rather than maturing into a supportive husband/father, he seems to have gone backwards. Thats something he needs to sort out. If not together, than on his own. I think thats the only viable option at this stage. The other option is to just keep doing what you and he are doing, and I know you love him, but it will never change then.

Neyite

Fri.day, so sorry to hear you are going through so much - you dont deserve him dumping on you during this scary time.

I agree with what you have done so far - he needs the kick up the arse that his marriage is in jeopardy. A relationship, married or not, requires continual input from both to keep it happy. You dont just get lazy once the ring is on the finger and that sounds like what he has done here.

You need him to pull his weight in the relationship, the childcare, in the home and in bringing home the bacon, and so far he is doing one of those.

You can still love him, but not his behaviour. And he can come home when he has reassessed and is willing to put in an effort, but I do think that right now you dont need the stress of it so early in your pregnancy.

Fri.Day

Thanks
I suppose i was looking for ideas or solutions that i hadnt thought of yet before a trial separation, but i see now very clearly i probably have thought of every scenario - i was thinking of getting a childminder so id work 6 days or get a 2nd job but all my solutions didnt include any input from him. In fact all my solutions to really look after myself and kid(s) would exclude him like he doesnt exist.
So i have asked him to move out and he said he'll be gone in a few days.
He hasnt looked for anywhere yet so will probably take 3 days outta town if he doesnt go this week.
How do i handle the day-to-day stuff.
Im not great on boundaries but i dont want to be cruel, so do i get him over to mind baby on his 3 days only? When im on the way out to work at 9 or at 7 for babys breakfast? Do we meet up to chat about our marriage specifically or just wait the designated amount of weeks?
This is not about dating other people so thats not going to happen but are there any particular rules?
Thanks

Stheno

Fri.Day wrote: »

Thanks
I suppose i was looking for ideas or solutions that i hadnt thought of yet before a trial separation, but i see now very clearly i probably have thought of every scenario - i was thinking of getting a childminder so id work 6 days or get a 2nd job but all my solutions didnt include any input from him. In fact all my solutions to really look after myself and kid(s) would exclude him like he doesnt exist.
So i have asked him to move out and he said he'll be gone in a few days.
He hasnt looked for anywhere yet so will probably take 3 days outta town if he doesnt go this week.
How do i handle the day-to-day stuff.
Im not great on boundaries but i dont want to be cruel, so do i get him over to mind baby on his 3 days only? When im on the way out to work at 9 or at 7 for babys breakfast? Do we meet up to chat about our marriage specifically or just wait the designated amount of weeks?
This is not about dating other people so thats not going to happen but are there any particular rules?
Thanks

You can't exclude him from his children unless he chooses for you to do it.

Try the family mediation service, and if your seperation is likely to be permanent see a solicitor asap, he can legitimately claim maintenance.