My relationship is too restricted!

LegacyUser

Lately I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, even though I really love him because our relationship is just too restricted.

He lives away at college during the week and is home at weekends. He lives with his parents at weekends and works weekend mornings and evenings.

I live with my parents, I am unemployed and I am a single parent to a 2 year old.

We only have a few hours during the day to meet up at weekends and because my daughter is with me we literally have no place to hang out. At the moment all we do is go to the park or for a walk. Sometimes we have lunch or coffee out but we can't always afford this.

Even if my boyfriend has a night off he can't come over to mine because my parents don't want visitors. My parents have never even met my boyfriend and we have been together 9 months now. Even if he could come over we would have no privacy and my parents wouldn't want doors closed! I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 22!

I've been to his parents house twice when he's had a night off but because he is so rarely at home, his mam doesn't want me there every time he gets to be home, which is understandable.

I can only visit his college accommodation for the night about once every 10 weeks or so because my parents don't want to babysit over night.

The relationship is just too restricted! We haven't even had the chance to have sex in over 2 months. I love the guy, but should I just give up?

I would miss him a lot if we split because as a single mother I get very little chances to socialize.

Any advice?

Paul.M92

Hi there!

I can see why you might feel that splitting up would be a good idea but if you really think that there is a future in your relationship then just hold on. He won't be in college forever. Saying that I can also see that there is a problem with the way your parents view relationships. It may be because you already have a child or it may just be their own personal view with the whole no closed doors thing. I think that you could begin by talking to your parents about your relationship and asking them to understand that because you have a child, your priorities are different and you don't have as much time to spend with your bf. They must be able to relate to that, i mean they honestly can't say that they didn't feel like they didn't have a social life when you were a child? Saying that, a lot can be said for modern technology too. This might sound tacky or a little pointless but you could arrange with your bf 1 evening a week where you chat via skype or another video messenger. Maybe each of you cook yourself a meal and cha while eating, like a sort of skype date? It won't be a fix all strategy but it might make it a little easier to get on with things.
I really hope this has helped to clear things up. If you really love him then hold on in there!

Best of Luck
Paul

changeling

hi OP

Can you not get your own accommodation? Rent allowance should be available to you. You are living a grown up life now, wanting a life of your own under your parents' roof must be difficult if not impossible, I wouldn't dream of rearing my kids under my mothers' roof, not fair on anybody really, including the kids.

You are going out with your boyfriend for nine months now, has getting your own place not come up already?

LegacyUser

changeling wrote: »

hi OP

Can you not get your own accommodation? Rent allowance should be available to you. You are living a grown up life now, wanting a life of your own under your parents' roof must be difficult if not impossible, I wouldn't dream of rearing my kids under my mothers' roof, not fair on anybody really, including the kids.

You are going out with your boyfriend for nine months now, has getting your own place not come up already?

I'd love to be out of my parents place for all sorts of reasons. I'm trying to get back to university in September though, so I don't want to make a make a move that may mess things up with regards to that.

Stavro Mueller

If you get back to university later this year, would it make it easier for you to see your boyfriend?

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

If you get back to university later this year, would it make it easier for you to see your boyfriend?

Ya it would but I'm not sure that it's going to happen. I might not have the funds. Even if it does it's another 6 months away. I don't know if we can continue this way for that long.

Stavro Mueller

From the information you’ve given us so far, it looks to me like you’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater. What you’re describing are problems that are very much in the here and now. He’s not always going to be as tied up as this during the week and living at home with his parents. From your end, I hope you do get to college and get your own life in order.
Have you actually had a proper conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling? What does he think about all of this? Perhaps there are solutions you’ve not thought of when it comes to spending quality time together. One thought that came into my mind was could you not get a friend to mind your daughter for a few hours while you meet up at the weekend? Or an aunt or uncle? Unless there’s something you’re not telling us about.
You would be foolhardy to dump your boyfriend if you say you love him. As you said yourself, it’s hard to socialise when you’ve got a child. Bear in mind too that being a single parent will make it that bit harder for you to meet someone else. Do you really want to throw this relationship of yours away just because circumstances are mitigating against you at the moment.

P. Breathnach

It looks to me as if you don't love him enough to put up with the restrictions, or to wait it out until circumstances improve. You even say

I would miss him a lot if we split because as a single mother I get very little chances to socialize.

You wouldn't miss him; you would miss the chance to socialize.

Meller

That sucks OP. If I were you, I'd get out of your parents' place ASAP though. Perhaps if they were more understanding, living with them would be bearable, but it sounds very restrictive if you can't have visitors - even your boyfriend of nine months! Have you even tried to talk to them about it? I know we often rule out talking to our parents about things because we feel it's pointless, but since you live with them, you should at least try a good few times to explain calmly to them that it's important you get to see your boyfriend, that you need the support and break from your daughter, that you can't afford anything else etc.

Try to find other babysitters? There must be someone; lots of young people are quite happy to babysit. Any of your boyfriend's friends, no? I know if my friend was in this position I'd be more than happy to babysit for an evening to help out every once in a while.

Don't act so hopeless; exhaust every single route before giving up. Look for help even in places where you think you're not gonna get it. Often we assume the game is lost long before it really is.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It looks to me as if you don't love him enough to put up with the restrictions, or to wait it out until circumstances improve. You even say

You wouldn't miss him; you would miss the chance to socialize.

I would miss him and the chance to socialize. I do really love him.

LegacyUser

Meller wrote: »

That sucks OP. If I were you, I'd get out of your parents' place ASAP though. Perhaps if they were more understanding, living with them would be bearable, but it sounds very restrictive if you can't have visitors - even your boyfriend of nine months! Have you even tried to talk to them about it? I know we often rule out talking to our parents about things because we feel it's pointless, but since you live with them, you should at least try a good few times to explain calmly to them that it's important you get to see your boyfriend, that you need the support and break from your daughter, that you can't afford anything else etc.

Try to find other babysitters? There must be someone; lots of young people are quite happy to babysit. Any of your boyfriend's friends, no? I know if my friend was in this position I'd be more than happy to babysit for an evening to help out every once in a while.

Don't act so hopeless; exhaust every single route before giving up. Look for help even in places where you think you're not gonna get it. Often we assume the game is lost long before it really is.

There really is no point talking about it to them. They are under a lot of stress at the moment and my mother suffers from depression, so I don't want to cause trouble.
They have always been like this about visitor though. I have been friends with people for years who don't even know where my house is!

With regards to other babysitters, they wouldn't be allowed into the house either and I'd never hear the end of it from my mother if I sent my daughter to a "strangers" house to be babysat. You might have noticed that my mother is very controlling!

P. Breathnach

RestrictedGirlfriend wrote: »

I would miss him and the chance to socialize. I do really love him.

Well you need to put your money where your mouth is: either wait it out until circumstances improve, or make a real effort to change your circumstances right now. If either of those options is too tough, then you know that you don't love him enough.

Stavro Mueller

You're also misdirecting your frustration. Your real issue here is that you are living under the thumb of these controlling parents and you're dancing to their tune. You've two choices here. Either you get proactive and get yourself out of there or you sit home and accept their restrictive ways. All I'm seeing in your posts is negativity and that's something you should think about.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

You're also misdirecting your frustration. Your real issue here is that you are living under the thumb of these controlling parents and you're dancing to their tune. You've two choices here. Either you get proactive and get yourself out of there or you sit home and accept their restrictive ways. All I'm seeing in your posts is negativity and that's something you should think about.

If I could move out tomorrow I really would! I have too many responsibilities to do that though.
I have to make sure it would be a positive decision for my daughter.
I have to make sure it wouldn't affect my university plans.
I have lots of pets at home, if I were to move out who would look after them? I wouldn't be able to pay for their upkeep if I had rent and other bills to pay.

I'd love to just drop everything in the name of love, but unfortunately it's not that easy.

changeling

RestrictedGirlfriend wrote: »

I'd love to be out of my parents place for all sorts of reasons. I'm trying to get back to university in September though, so I don't want to make a make a move that may mess things up with regards to that.

In actual fact if you make the move now you will be independent in September and there are many support systems in place for single mothers in third level education. A lot of these aren't advertised or easily found unless you are actually in that situation when you will find all sorts of help to aid you on your road to a higher education.
Being in a controlling situation can hinder your path to self realisation.
The controlling individuals may have a reason to keep you in a place where you are stuck, unless you make the serious effort to release yourself you will find your child in the same place as yourself, you have a responsibility to yourself and your child to break free.

Meller

RestrictedGirlfriend wrote: »

There really is no point talking about it to them. They are under a lot of stress at the moment and my mother suffers from depression, so I don't want to cause trouble.
They have always been like this about visitor though. I have been friends with people for years who don't even know where my house is!

With regards to other babysitters, they wouldn't be allowed into the house either and I'd never hear the end of it from my mother if I sent my daughter to a "strangers" house to be babysat. You might have noticed that my mother is very controlling!

You really shouldn't stand for that, though - it's one thing for your mother to not allow visitors in her own house, but allowing her judgements to control who babysits your daughter is different. It might be frustrating to have her complaining to you, but this is the trade-off! - do you want to give up your relationship because it would be inconvenient for your relationship with your mother or parents? You will inevitably have to make little sacrifices like these. You are entitled to send your daughter to be babysit wherever you wish.

As another poster said, you are being very negative: have you considered the benefit it would have for you instead of the inconvenience?

Magicmatilda

I don't understand how moving out would affect your chances at university, have you checked that out by talking to social welfare? Because you would probably be entitled to single parent allowance (back to education once you start), rent allowance, child benefit and possibly more. I know plenty of single mothers sho survive Very well on their own. Also you mention your pets, if you cannot afford to keep them then arrange to have them rehoused. Until you move out you are allowing your mother to control your life, therefore acting like a child, grow up and take some responsibility for you life, you have a child now, time to be an adult. Also I find it interesting that you are willing to lose the boyfriend but not the pets.

LegacyUser

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I don't understand how moving out would affect your chances at university, have you checked that out by talking to social welfare? Because you would probably be entitled to single parent allowance (back to education once you start), rent allowance, child benefit and possibly more. I know plenty of single mothers sho survive Very well on their own. Also you mention your pets, if you cannot afford to keep them then arrange to have them rehoused. Until you move out you are allowing your mother to control your life, therefore acting like a child, grow up and take some responsibility for you life, you have a child now, time to be an adult. Also I find it interesting that you are willing to lose the boyfriend but not the pets.

I love my pets. I couldn't live with myself if they couldn't be re-homed and ended up being neglected or put. When I got my pets I promised to look after them for the rest of their lives and they deserve that.

College wise I'm not entitled to as much as you would think. I'm not entitled to a grant because I haven't been living alone since before last October. I won't get rent allowance while in full time education. Back to education is less per week than I'm getting on lone parents There's minimal help for childcare as I wouldn't qualify for community creche on back to education..

Moving out now would probably only minimize my chances of saving anything towards college.

Semele

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Also I find it interesting that you are willing to lose the boyfriend but not the pets.

That's a bit unfair tbh! It may be the opinion of someone who isn't an animal person, but to myself and others if you own a pet you have made a commitment to a creature that is entirely dependent on you for its welfare. If I was in a situation like the OP's I would reluctantly consider rehoming my pets if and only if I was sure they would have as good a quality of life as they would with me. It would be irresponsible and immoral to dump them on a rescue centre (where they may indeed be put down) just because its no longer convenient to you to have them. And that's aside from the fact that there's nothing abnormal about being deeply attached to your pets- they're not just an object to be discarded. Rant over, apologies! Good luck OP.x

Linoge

RestrictedGirlfriend wrote: »

I love my pets. I couldn't live with myself if they couldn't be re-homed and ended up being neglected or put. When I got my pets I promised to look after them for the rest of their lives and they deserve that.

College wise I'm not entitled to as much as you would think. I'm not entitled to a grant because I haven't been living alone since before last October. I won't get rent allowance while in full time education. Back to education is less per week than I'm getting on lone parents There's minimal help for childcare as I wouldn't qualify for community creche on back to education..

Moving out now would probably only minimize my chances of saving anything towards college.

Love is.... how you feel about your pets. If you actually loved your boyfriend no pets, controlling mother etc could keep you apart. You would do everything possible to stay together, not coming up with silly reasons why it will never work. After 9 months you wold be in love if it is ever going to happen.

RossFixxxed

OP, if you were to be totally honest, and looked in your heart: Do you want to break up with him. I know it's up and down and there's a lot of factors, but do you want to end it?

If, as it seems, you do then do it quickly and kindly.

If not, you are going to have to find a way to make this work. You will have to move out sooner or later from your mother, who sounds dreadful. You will have to get on your own two feet and stop making excuses. It isn't easy, in fact it's a bit horrible at times, but those are the choices. If you REALLY love him you will have to make big sacrifices.

If it all seems like too much hassle, let him go, and let him find someone who can be there for him and with him.

It's not nice, but it's life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
I will be moving out at the end of the summer. I need to be saving money until then to get a loan to pay for something vital for my child.
If i can't get back to college I'll get rent allowance and move out and see where things go from there education wise.

My mother is just too controlling. I mentioned that I might meet a friend for an hour in the quiet local pub for a chat and that I could bring my daughter. It would have been early enough in the day. Well she hit the roof saying I couldn't possibly do that. Why the hell would I go to a pub on a Monday evening and that my friend needs to get a life.

I've had enough of living with her, boyfriend or no boyfriend.

MPB

You've said a number of times that you love your bf. If thats true then theres no reason to break up with him. Ok circumstances are challenging but lifes challenging. I can understand your frustrations at having so little time with him but I also understand his situation. He's in college during the week and when hes home at weekends he's working a lot. If he could afford not to work I bet he wouldnt bother with it and he'd have tonnes of spare time for you. I remember my days in college and its an expensive place so whatever he earns wont be earning much interest in the bank. He doesnt sound like a dickhead so I think youd be doing you all in injustice if you gave him the door. If your happy with him as a person and he's happy with you as a person then the rest of it is stuff to work on but its workable

JustAThought

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear about all the stress you're under ; you're trying to do the right thing & under a lot of external pressures - it must be so hard & frustrating.

You say your mom is depressed & controlling. Do you have another ally that could help - a cousin or aunt or friend? If you head out with your little child you could respond to " where are you going" with " for a walk". Calms the situation : you leave your baby with a babysitter & have a break. Your mother dosn't know and isn't involved.
Might work & might get you the time & space you need to develope your relationship with your b/f & space for yourself. It can't Ne easy.

I know if your mom is depressed your dad must know - is there any hope of getting him onside? He must enjoy having his grandchild around & you too -particarly if there is do much depression with your mom. He might be prepared to support you if he thought it was becoming an imPossible situation for you.

Re your pets ; I love your approach to them & do shocked at the posters who were discussing " having them rescued". Does no one read the animal & pets thread? Anyway. They are your pets & in same way i couldn't imagine " having my dog "rescued" .

You are looki g at the long term an and are right. Especially now. Paying for crèche or babysitters while at college will be a nightmare; as will paying for s the baby's black, your food &, books, coffees, travel, & all your needs; gas, new water charges, rent, electricity etc. if you want to move on with your life and opportunities long term then you will have to try and find a solution at home.

Once you go to college you will find you are out of your mothers hair and away all day with the freedom & liberty to meet & do as you choose.

College will increase your prospects and employability and ability to get a good job where you can move away & be in contril of your own life & destiny in the long term.

Try & focus on the long term wins.
Good luck & keep focused on the end goal- your long term life and long term prospects.

username123

RestrictedGirlfriend wrote: »

If I could move out tomorrow I really would! I have too many responsibilities to do that though.
I have to make sure it would be a positive decision for my daughter.
I have to make sure it wouldn't affect my university plans.
I have lots of pets at home, if I were to move out who would look after them? I wouldn't be able to pay for their upkeep if I had rent and other bills to pay.

I'd love to just drop everything in the name of love, but unfortunately it's not that easy.

Im sorry to point this out, but the environment which you are living in now sounds like the worst thing possible for your daughter. How unhealthy is it for her to witness her mother being controlled by her grandmother and having no independence? You sound stressed to bits and miserable and that cannot be the best thing for your daughter either. And to be perfectly blunt, your mother has mental health problems which are allowed to control the home (no visitors, ever? Thats not normal - is this where you choose to raise your child?).

I dont think your issue is your boyfriend, I think its your living environment. And I also think you need to wake up and put your daughters welfare before your pets. I am an animal lover, but humans come first. Get yourself down to citizens information and social welfare and become aware of your entitlements, get out of that environment, even if you have to contact a womens group for help doing it. You are not doing yourself or your child any favours living as you are.

afterglow

Hi OP

So here is what was once my situation, hopefully this might offer you a little inspiration or at least let you know you are not on your own.

I have a disability myself, as does my partner who i'm living with happily for the past 2 years now, we are very much in love and couldnt be happier, but it was not always this way, meaning, we didn't always have it so easy in terms of seeing each other/being together. allow me to explain a little, and give one example, which we now laugh at, his parents included but which was not funny at the time.

For the first year of our now nearly 5 year relationship, we only saw each other every 2/3 weeks. My bf was working at the time, and lived in the west of the country, and I in dublin. Both being totally blind, we couldn't drive, of course!

Anyway, this one weekend, after not having seen each other for 2 or 3 weeks, whatever the case was at that stage, my bf was due to come up to dublin. His parents and sister though, decided, that they wouldn't, or couldn't help him that day. So, in what was not a wise move, he got a bus to dublin, and we then priceeded to go down to the parents that evening. to say I was given a frosty reception by his mum, was an understatement. We all laugh now, and get on great, but the point is we didn't have it so easy in the beginning of our relationship either. I did have doubts and considered ending it myself just because our impairments made it so dificult for us to meet up, but I am so glad now that we didn't split up over circumstances we couldn't control. If you really do love your bf then wait it out, it will be worth it in the end, and I do agree with what other posters have said here about trying to get out of your family home if you can. I know your mum is depressed but that does not give her permission to make your life miserable as well.
Best of luck OP, and keep the chin up