Too Different?

LegacyUser

I'll try make this brief.

Have been with my boyfriend about a year and a half (less really as we broke up for about 3 months before...) and I am beginning to think we are too different to be together.

Our senses of humour are quite alike, and most of the time we get along really well, but lately I feel I am too sensitive and maybe uptight to be with him.

He is always late for things and forgets things all the time. He is quite lazy concerning relationship things like presents, still haven't gotten a Christmas present off him (his mother bought me one though...:/) and doubt I will be getting anything for Valentines day.

This isn't me hungry for presents or material items, even if he had wrote me something like a letter for Valentines day I would have been happy.

I also have a lot of family stress in my life. One parent is a recovering alcoholic and the other is currently bed bound with crippling depression. He is no emotional support for this. He would never ask how things are or show any concern for stress I might be going through. Even if he h an exam I would usually text him in the morning saying good luck, but if i had one he might even forget in the evening to ask how it went.

He also borrows money off me all the time and I have to keep asking for it back until I finally get it. He is completely reliant on his parent money wise (first year college) while I have a part time job and try save and be responsible.

Despite all these flaws, I do love him so much. He is a really unique person personality wise and is quite witty. I know he loves me a lot too, more so from his words rather than actions though. I would be his best friend and would know him best in the world.

Lately I find myself being angry with him all the time. I only see him at the weekends and its usually not that bad then, but as the week advances in college, I'm usually really irritated with him by Thursday. I know Valentines day is silly but I got so upset seeing my housemate have someone to make an effort with her while all I got was a message on facebook.

Sometimes I feel like the relationship is driving me insane. With all the problems, my dads depression and college work, I was just prescribed xanax for my stress and given a week extension on an essay I couldn't bring myself to do.

I love him so much, and when we are getting along I am just so happy and feel like the world is great. But this constant up and down is making me mental. Sometimes I feel like I'm up an emotionless child that has no idea of the real world as he financially sponges off his parents and me.

What to do? If I broke up with him i would miss him so much and we really do love each other. Just maybe too different...

blatantrereg

Wouldn't pay too much attention to words if they aren't consistent with actions. It doesn't sound like he's someone interested in a serious sort of relationship, while you sound fairly serious about him. Sounds like he's more interested in enjoying himself than anything else. Can't make you feel good to be generally not considered by him.

You can't force him to change how acts. You'd be best off making a lot less effort with him, so that your relationship becomes a bit more balanced. If that doesn't sit well with you, or if you're not interested in a relationship like that then just break up with him.

Personally I'd be annoyed by it and just break up in the same situation. I'd consider it very insincere that they were saying one thing, but acting completely inconsistently with it.

LegacyUser

I have brought this up with him before and he is very "I'll change" but like you said, I can't change traits that seem (very!) deeply rooted into his person. I said this to him but he always claims "I have gotten better", which he has but I don't like feeling like a nag. I don't like constantly bringing up the same things.

He is very inconsiderate towards me, he just lives in a world of his own. I feel mean saying this, and he does have a very high IQ, but sometimes I think "dozy" fits him in description. Just things like once he made a cup of tea when I was in his house and it didn't even cross his mind to offer me one.

LegacyUser

Oh, and sorry, I forgot to say thank you for the reply blatantrereg Really appreciate it.


He is quite serious about the relationship though. I am his first girlfriend and he is always talking of the long term....life long long term...

OP if you're angry all the time at his habits (and I would be too, don't get me wrong), it seems you're just not very compatible together. You have different attitudes and priorities toward money, manners, punctuality, etc.
He may be lovely otherwise but are you prepared to go through a lifetime of being ignored, your money taken, being held up, being irritated?

CaraMay

He is talking life term but can you live with this for life? No presents, no interest in what's important to you, borrowing money and not paying it back and general laziness about the relationship. You are too young to be tied into a one sided relationship. There are lots of guys who will show interest in your exams, life etc out there.

ManOfMystery

opopopop wrote: »

Oh, and sorry, I forgot to say thank you for the reply blatantrereg Really appreciate it.


He is quite serious about the relationship though. I am his first girlfriend and he is always talking of the long term....life long long term...

I could throw you a million cliches now....

"Talk is cheap"
"Actions speak louder than words"
etc

They're all true, to be honest. He can tell you everything you want to hear 24/7, but the important thing is - what is he actually doing?

It sounds to me like you're just incompatible. He's much more laid back and not interested in making a big effort, while you obviously take things more seriously. That's not to say any one person is right or wrong - you're just different.

Of course, many couples are completely different in many ways, but the successful ones tend to be ones where the differences in personality can complement each other and they develop a mutual way of doing things which works for them. But when one person wants something from the relationship which they're not getting from the other, and that's down to personality traits, I don't see how it can work longterm.

ibarelycare

OP has he been like this since day one? I imagine he has been, but it's only getting to you now as the relationship gets more serious. The bottom line is, you can't force someone to change.

I completely understand your frustration, my boyfriend is also extremely forgetful and sometimes isn't the most thoughtful, whereas I'm the complete opposite, and I do get annoyed. Like you, I can be uptight and it does cause some friction when you're like that and the other person is extremely laid back. I get annoyed at him for being forgetful and he gets annoyed at me for getting annoyed over what he considers to be little things! This personality clash is about the only thing we argue over and we just agree to try our bests to be as understanding to each other as possible. As a result, he puts in more of an effort, and I also try to get less worked up over things. It doesn't always work, it's something we have to work at and we have to both be constantly conscious of it! But it works pretty well for the most part, and it's the best we can do, since neither of us is going to change!



Edit: I also meant to add in, that him being this way doesn't mean he loves you or cares for you any less than other boyfriends do with their girlfriends. He's just a different type of person.

kat.mac

Hi OP,

I think you know this isn't working. Well, it seems to be working for him, but not for you. My first boyfriend was similar - although not quite so thoughtless as to not get some sort of Christmas present.

This is just my humble opinion based on my life experience, but it's not supposed to be as difficult as what you're describing. Being with this guy is causing you more stress on top of everything else... For the sake of self-preservation I'd be giving serious consideration to ending this! I get the feeling you're starting to come to this conclusion yourself (maybe sub-consciously) so all I can say is follow your gut on it!

Best of luck OP!

Taltos

Here's the think OP - you aren't going to change him.
Now cast your mind forwards say 10yrs - is he the person you can see supporting you with a gaggle of kids running around you?

It just sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. And his parents and now you are not doing him any favours in the long run by over-supporting him.

If your heart is really in it - make some changes yourself - and see if he responds - if he does then great. But if not then maybe you would be better off leaving him to grow up a bit on his own...

dannyc31

i think people are being quite harsh here on the guy. you say he is a first year in college, so i'm guessing he is 19 or 20? this is a very young man, at that age if he, if he is to be in a relationship he is just gonna want it to be easy going and nothing heavy. he probably just isnt the thoughtful type and since he's use to having everything handed to him, he's never had to consider other peoples feelings or problems.

i wouldnt say he is doing this intentionally i just think he is clueless and young. this is one area were i actually think sitting him down and confronting him about his habits might help. get in his face and tell him he never thinks about you or thats how it feels anyway. use examples like the lack of presents or concern about exams etc etc.

he may actually change if he realises how he's actually been coming across. you say you are is first girlfriend which means up to now all he's ever dealt with is relationships with mates. most likely guy mates and when it comes to that thoughtful stuff and concern, guys are clueless towards each other. we just dont do it. i dont think i've ever bought one of my guy mates a birthday present and most men i know would be the same and just be happy with the one or 2 pints on a night out.

anyway its worth a shot, but i think the main difference between you two is maturity. you might be both 20 or whatever but the stuff you've had to deal with in your life at the moment has probably made you grow up alot quicker so its like he is 17 and you are 26 from an emotional point of view that is.