Whats wrong here?

j_mal1213

Hi,

Let me first say that I am a male, 23, I have been with my girlfriend for about 1.5 weeks now. The first time (which was my first time ever) to have sex, after 3 days, I couldn't get 'up' as it were. I assumed it was normal to occur the first time you have sex, but it also happened the second time which started alarm bells ringing.

I love everything about my girlfriend - personality, interests, gentleness, etc. We have so so many things in common and I would love to stay with her forever. However, there is one problem. I don't particularly find her sexually attractive - if by sexually attractive we mean being turned on by look and wanting to have intercourse. I really enjoy kissing, touching, cuddling and everything else that we do together - and in certain situations, I get turned 'on'. I also enjoy giving oral (and receiving of course) but when it comes to intercourse, it's just not there. Does this mean I'm not sexually attracted to her?

I hate to seem shallow, but I cannot help the way I feel. I don't particularly want to end it as we get on so well together, but I know that it may be better for both in the long run.

I have discussed this with her (as we are really open with each other and talk about everything) and we are thinking of going slower for now. Is that a good way to go for now?

Thanks

JM

[EDIT]..Just to point out aswell, over the past 10 years or so, I have looked at alot of porn, mostly online, maybe this has caused my problem?

meeeeh

Or you could be just really nervous. It happened once before with one of my boyfriends and it went away after couple of Times. I'd take it slow and try to relax and if it doesn't pass then maybe you should talk to gp. Btw were you sober?

j_mal1213

well, I had a few beers the first time but I wasnt drunk. I was totally sober the second time

dannyc31

I don't particularly find her sexually attractive

ah come on now mate, this isnt ok. you should not be able to get enough of a girl you really fancy. if you dont feel that attracted to her now, where do you think this is gonna end up in a year when you are past the honeymoon period. honestly if you are not sexually attracted to her then i would say that you two are not sexually compatible.

i'm wondering how you got together with this girl in the first place, surely if she was someone you really fancied then you also thought it would be great to sleep with her, or were you two fixed up instead which would explain you not been fully attracted to her as would be the case if someone caught your eye.

on the other hand you are very inexperienced and as another poster said it could be that nerves are getting in the way of your sexual attraction to the girl, i wouldnt go by oral as a man would happily recieve oral from most women whether attracted to her or not. so maybe take it slow for a while and see if attraction is actually there under the nerves. of not, then i say end things if you are not attracted to her. its not fair on her or yourself.

Merkin

j_mal1213 wrote: »

I love everything about my girlfriend - personality, interests, gentleness, etc. We have so so many things in common and I would love to stay with her forever. However, there is one problem. I don't particularly find her sexually attractive

:eek:

What on earth are you doing with her? I get that you get on well and think she's a lovely person but by lying to yourself you are essentially selling yourself and her short. If you don't fancy her then be her friend, not her boyfriend.

LittleBook

j_mal1213 wrote: »

I have been with my girlfriend for about 1.5 weeks now.

Seriously, is this a typo? If not then ... yes, going slower is a good way to go for now.

And this is one situation where I would think the fact that you've been watching a lot of porn has done some damage.

Not everyone is "turned on by a look and wants to have intercourse" and I'm wondering if you expect yourself to be able to get hard and get going as quickly as they do in porn.

Stop putting pressure on yourself, you both have plenty of time to explore each other and learn what works.

j_mal1213

Cheers everyone for the replies. I think I have made up my mind on what to do...I'm gonna try take it slow and see how it goes. As I said, I really don't want to lose her as everything bar the sex part is excellent(right now).

Oh, no it wasn't a typo, we have only been together 10 days.

luvnit!

I dont care what anyone say's yes you can have an "alright" relationship based on personality but thats called friendship. You need to be sexually attracted to someone to have an excellent relationship. Sex is a major part of that. Leave her, your obviously not compatible.

Brussels Sprout

<MOD SNIP: videos are banned and bannable per our charter, please ensure you read our charter before you post here again>
I think you should watch this video OP because what you're experiencing sounds exactly like what the speaker addresses.

Merkin

j_mal1213 wrote: »

Cheers everyone for the replies. I think I have made up my mind on what to do...I'm gonna try take it slow and see how it goes. As I said, I really don't want to lose her as everything bar the sex part is excellent(right now).

:eek:

But the sex and attraction part is fundamental. It's the differentiator between a platonic relationship and a sexual one. Haven't you maybe twigged that your problem with performance is directly related to the fact that you simply don't find this girl attractive? The human body is a marvellous thing and the fact that yours is resolutely folding it's arms, shaking it's head and going "I ain't doing this buddy" should tell you that your instinct is right and that you simply don't fancy her. You sound like you would like a relationship and that you get along with this girl (as a friend) but don't sell yourself short or try and make this into something it isn't.

LegacyUser

It's the online porn in my opinion. There's a lot of information coming to light on the web recently about the adverse effects of internet porn on the younger generation of men. In short, men these days are seeing way more naked girls/people having sex than what their ancestors would. Possibly more than one would in a lifetime. This in effect desensitizes men to the real thing as they are so used to seeing really good looking girls having sex. One of the most common effects is ED. I'd suggest attempting to give up porn for good (more difficult than you might think)

decmanning

Going out 1.5 weeks and you are already posting on a relationship advice page, oh dear, cant see much of a future here tbh

LegacyUser

Without a doubt the porn has caused a problem. Many studies are revealing the extent of the changes that happen to the male sexual response after years of watching porn on broadband. This has obviously had an effect on the way you view relationships too. You have compartmentalized sex so much (to the world of online porn) you see the real world and a normal girl as completely asexual, ie never going to be to the standard of the kind of thing you are so used to.
Do you think if you had never watched porn you would have such a low sexual response to being with a real girl?

You know what you should do, its totally unfair on the girl.
She might be thinking its nerves or whatever, but you know its actually because you dont fancy her enough. If you were honest with her and told her, it would be very hurtful for her.
Dont continue this relationship, you are just platonic friends.

And deal with the porn thing, it is highly addictive and you are only seeing the effects now that you have started a real relationship.

dannyc31

It's the online porn in my opinion. There's a lot of information coming to light on the web recently about the adverse effects of internet porn on the younger generation of men. In short, men these days are seeing way more naked girls/people having sex than what their ancestors would. Possibly more than one would in a lifetime. This in effect desensitizes men to the real thing as they are so used to seeing really good looking girls having sex. One of the most common effects is ED. I'd suggest attempting to give up porn for good (more difficult than you might think)

i disagree with this. for one its more likely that young men expect there girlfriends to behave like a porn star in the sack, wild and willing and so dont really expect to have to engage in fore play for her sake. porn is a completely selfish point of view were the man is serviced in anyway he wants unlike reality. if this is what men are expecting in reality then its gonna be more difficult for them to get aroused. this imo is were the damage of too much porn can affect your performance.

but back to the OP, no matter how much porn he watches you still cant get past the root cause of the problem, you are not attracted to this girl. no mattter the influence of porn on modern day men, there are certain things that remain unchanged in thousands of years and that is men and women will go out with date and evenually marry those people that they are really attracted too so you're not really start of at a good base point here.

I think posters are being extremely harsh on the OP. It has nothing to do with porn - just standard run of the mill nerves on your first time. Give it a few more goes and you will find yourself never having this problem again.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I think posters are being extremely harsh on the OP. It has nothing to do with porn - just standard run of the mill nerves on your first time. Give it a few more goes and you will find yourself never having this problem again.

I don't see how describing to someone that they may have a problem which thousands of men are now having is remotely harsh. There's literally thousands of posts on just one forum that I've seen dedicated to this issue and all men's stories are practically identical. Lads of roughly aged 18-25 complaining of one thing - not being able to get it up during sex. Their common problem? Daily porn! The OP refers to "a lot of online porn". Granted, he could have nerves but IMO if it continues then porn is highly likely to be is the root cause. I say that as someone who suffered similar problems.

zumbar

I agree with Bluewolf - it's just nerves, especially seeing as you've only been going out for 1.5 weeks. Keep trying and it'll happen ..... having sex with a new partner isn't as easy as porn might have you think !

Eve_Dublin

zumbar wrote: »

I agree with Bluewolf - it's just nerves, especially seeing as you've only been going out for 1.5 weeks. Keep trying and it'll happen ..... having sex with a new partner isn't as easy as porn might have you think !

It could be nerves or it could be that he simply doesn't fancy her in that way. If the OP didn't mention porn, no one would have brought it up. Give it a bit more time, OP. The "breaking in" period is difficult regardless of your gender and age.

msg11

I'll first off admit I watch porn online. I used to watch it once daily mainly out of boredom. I have cut back the last few years as it is the cause of issues, getting women, talking to women and the way of viewing women.

I do personally believe there is a link between relationship issues and porn. There is not much research on it, but we all know it can't be good at all.

Anyway what I wanted to add, is basically people need to separate in there head, porn is not the real world. It is acting just like other films.

You won't get what you see in online porn in the real world in fact even lasting as long as the porn videos won't happen. The couples in the porn are paid actors and very good performers.

Now back to the OP. Is there a link between porn or is the fact he dose not fancy the girl ?

What brought the OP to end up with this girl? Is this his first GF? It could be down to nerves at the moment, I know at times with my first GF I was very nervous throw any excuse out to not get into bed, afraid of been a let down etc.. But you push past that, as I said real world is what we are in not the porn world. Cut the porn out completely, see if you fancy this girl or if performance improves.

If not move on is all I can say.