found out I have a half-brother who was adopted... advice needed...

LegacyUser

Hi there, I'm looking for some advice on something and hoping that I can maybe get some helpful insight here. I'll try my best to keep this as concise and to the point as possible.. Apologies if this post is a bit all over the place.

I had a bit of an emotional weekend. During a drunken conversation with my dad on Saturday night (we had both been out with friends and met back in the house, had a few more drinks together and were chatting away about all sorts, when the conversation turned to the recent report about the Magdalene Laundries) I learned for the first time that my mam had a baby when she was my age (20) and unmarried and that because of the times that were in it she was forced to give her baby up for adoption after she gave birth to him in a mother and babies home run by the church. My dad said he thought I knew and straight away he was apologising and saying he shouldn't have said anything but it was too late. It came as such a complete shock to me. He went on to say that she told him when they met (it had happened a year before then) and that she hasn't really talked about it since (now just over 30 years.) One or two of her old friends know but that's all. I felt sick and went to bed pretty much straight away after that.

The next day I cried more than I can ever remember crying in my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but my mam and I have had our fair share of problems, particularly in recent years. She has a bit of a strong fondness for wine which I sometimes find too much to handle and as a result I rarely spend a weekend at home because she has weekends off from work and she can be quite difficult to be around when she's drunk. However, since finding this out I feel like I can understand why she drinks if that makes sense... I just feel incredibly sad for her and I feel like I can now begin to understand her a bit better. Obviously I don't know for sure if this is the reason that she drinks but I believe it would be a pretty big factor..

On Sunday evening I had planned to meet up with my dad away from the house somewhere so that we could talk about it some more but he ended up having to go out. So I found myself at home alone with my mam... (I have two brothers around my age but they weren't home at the time.) I had been crying for most of the day but she didn't know that. Funnily enough I'm just realising this was the first Sunday that she hadn't been drunk for in a very long time. We were in the kitchen together and had been talking for about an hour about college and things when I sort of just forced the words out of my mouth. I thought if I started the rest would just follow. So I started with "Do you mind if I ask you about something?" but as soon as I said that the tears came. I told her what my dad had accidentally let slip the night before, and I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and that if she ever wanted to talk to anyone about it that she could talk to me. I actually got a lot more upset during this conversation than her and she spent a large portion of it trying to comfort me... She kept saying that it happened a long long time ago and that I shouldn't be getting upset about it now. I asked her how she deals with it and she said she doesn't, she said that when it happened she put it "in a box" and it's "parked" at the back of her mind and she hasn't begun to deal with it yet because it was too awful. She said that one day she would talk to us about it again but she asked me not to say it to anyone because she doesn't feel ready to talk about it yet, even after all this time.. My heart is broken for her.

She also mentioned that on his 18th birthday she rang the adoption agency that it went through and left her details with them so that if he wanted to get in touch he could, but he hasn't to date. She didn't say an awful lot more and I didn't push her because I felt too guilty for opening up old wounds and potentially causing her more pain and heartache, so I didn't ask very many questions. I didn't even ask whether she knew his name or not which I'm regretting now because I really would like to know.

so I suppose my main question is what should I do now, if anything at all? I've hardly stopped thinking about it for one minute since I found out....- How awful it must have been for my mother, how awful it clearly still is for her, to have to carry a secret like that around with you for 30 years ... can you ever get over something like this? Will she ever get to meet her son? I'm jumping ahead here but what if further down the line she makes contact and he decides he doesn't want to, or vice versa? and also on a more selfish note I'm wondering if I have any right to want to meet him one day..

And most importantly: how do I go about supporting my mam? I have a feeling she's going to want to forget about our conversation but I don't know how I'll manage to do that myself. Should I wait for her to bring it up again or should I? And if so how long should I wait? Or should I drop it completely and try to move on for now? I feel like I need someone to tell me what I should be doing now because there are far too many thoughts swirling around my head and I just feel like I need a fresh opinion.

Thank you for reading if you've managed it this far, I sincerely appreciate it...

Merkin

My heart goes out to you. Wow, what an awful lot to process. And not only for you but for your Mum as well. You now knowing about her past is also a lot for her to take on and process and for that reason I would, in the short-term, let the dust settle. Don't go on any solitary, well-intended missions to find your brother or track him down or such - this ultimately is your Mum's past and you must respect her wishes. For now, I would wait until you're in a position to talk to her about it without getting really emotional and tell her that you're 100% there for her and will support her or help her in any way you can. Just be there, that's all you can do for now.

Lollipops23

OP, that's a lot for anyone to hear about their parent.

However, your mum sounds like it's something she's dealt with in her own way. It's not up to you to go messing around with it now- you've asked her about, which you're entitled to do, and she's sounds like she was very honest about it.

That's the best you can hope for tbh. If this can help bridge the gap between you and your mam, then great. But try not to dwell on it, as it isn't really yours to dwell on.

ViveLaVie

Lollipops23 wrote: »

But try not to dwell on it, as it isn't really yours to dwell on.

I think that's an unfair comment. It is her half-brother after all and now that she knows all this she is very much entitled to dwell on it.

Lollipops23

ViveLaVie wrote: »

I think that's an unfair comment. It is her half-brother after all and now that she knows all this she is very much entitled to dwell on it.

I know it's upsetting, but she literally can't do anything about it (at least until such a time that your mother is either no longer with us or she decides to look into it herself).

I know it must be difficult wondering if every bloke of a certain age in the street could be him, but try to at least put it on the backburner for now.

CaraMay

The mother has left her details for him to contact her but he hasn't. Is there anything more she can do? Point being its up to the op's mother to make another move if she can. If not, then it's a waiting game for the son to make contact.

jellyboy

I would suggest posting in the adoption forum, a lot of wisdom lives there ..
And they can provide practical advice..

As for the emotional ,i would urge you to get professional support or join a support group ..
Theres levels of hurt,pain,blame,joy,that you might/will go through ,i wish you well

D

Moonbeam

feel free to come over to the adoption forum there are people there that understand what you are going through.
Personally I would love any birth relation to come find me.