Looking after younger bro

LegacyUser

My mam died back in November 2011. My brother was 16 at the time, so I said I would do what needed to be done and look after him.
He's a good lad, never a bother, but, the thing is he is just so lazy and never thinks about anything at all like "if I do this what happens" and I always have to clean up and fix the mess after him. Basically, I have to do his thinking for him. He's in 6th year and just finished his mocks.
But right now, my fiancé is getting fed up with him. When he is at home he just sits in his room talking to his other half & trying to have a conversion with him is like getting blood from a stone and it just get awkward.
My brother is bi sexual/gay, which we don't have a problem with. But since he started going out with this new fella, he is becoming more and more like him. My brother was never ever flamboyant and all that jazz (trying not to offend anyone that is gay) but now he is. I don't like his fella, he is 17 and is SOOOOOO condescending to adults and talks down to my brother.
I'm so lost as to how to deal with this situation. I Love both my fiancé & brother more then anything. I have no one to turn to as one side of the family don't want to get their hands dirty & the other side is having to deal with their sister dying.

LegacyUser

I am very sorry to hear about your Mother's passing.

Truthfully your brother sounds like a regular teenager to me. He obviously has a lot to deal with emotionally, on top of the usual strains of growing up. Regarding his sudden flamboyance, a lot of young gay men, as they become more comfortable with their sexuality, begin to feel more free to be themselves which can often manifest as more flamboyant behaviour. It's a great thing that he feels comfortable enough to be himself around his family and that you've created that environment for him.

Raise your concerns about his boyfriend to him directly. He probably won't listen but he'll figure it out for himself eventually and move on.

Beruthiel

UtterlyLost wrote: »

never thinks about anything at all like "if I do this what happens"

Typical teenage behaviour I would have thought.

I always have to clean up and fix the mess after him.

That won't help him to grow as an adult.
Stop fixing his messes.

My brother is bi sexual/gay, which we don't have a problem with.

The fact that he seems to be so comfortable in his sexuality is a credit to you OP.
Clearly you are doing something right.

But since he started going out with this new fella, he is becoming more and more like him. My brother was never ever flamboyant and all that jazz (trying not to offend anyone that is gay) but now he is.

Sounds like he is a tad besotted by his new beau and has automatically taken on some of his characteristics as a result of that. Also normal teenage behaviour.
If he was not like that before, he will revert back to his old self when the relationship is over.

is SOOOOOO condescending to adults

Not in my house buddy.
Take control of that OP and feel free to point out that while you allow him to be a guest in your home, he will afford you the respect you deserve or take a hike.
I would also find a time with your brother that is convenient and have a calm conversation with him.
It's all about the phrasing OP. Don't say "you" did X, Y & Z.
Use "I" focus on how it effects you.

" It hurts my feelings when you think so little of me that you allow your b/f to be so condescending".
"Why do you think he behaves in such a way towards adults?"
"Does he have problems at home?"
Make your brother think about why his b/f acts as he does.

Teenagers between the ages of about 13 to 18 can be nothing short of insufferable at times.
At one point, I put this up in my daughters room.

I Love both my fiancé & brother more then anything.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place is no fun for you.
Unfortunately, you are now in charge of a teenage boy who looks at you as a brother.
However, for his sake and future, you are now going to have to act as a parent instead.
Do not be afraid to tell him that you love him more than anything else.
That you are trying to do your best by him.
That you need his help in order that all three of ye can live happily in the same household.
Be completely open and honest with him OP and keep talking to him, never at him.

Best of luck.

looksee

Beruthial has said it all very well, it all sounds perfectly normal, and equally normally irritating. Good for you, you are doing your best, but you can't lead his life for him, just help him over the rougher bit. What you are experiencing is precisely what most parents and guardians have to deal with, I think you are doing a great job!

LegacyUser

Fiancé said to me last night that he isn't use to living with another male (as in the same "generation") so he just finds it a be weird. Obviously everyone is brought up different, so its just getting use to it.
Plus people living together are bound to get on each others nerves. Just sometimes you want or need an outsiders opinion. Ah last few weeks have just been hard coz he wasn't doing any study and wasn't doing his homework and just generally wouldn't lift a finger in regards to school and I had to be the bad person and give out and I hate doing it coz he's been through enough.
It's just stressful....half the time I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Calhoun

UtterlyLost wrote: »

Fiancé said to me last night that he isn't use to living with another male (as in the same "generation") so he just finds it a be weird. Obviously everyone is brought up different, so its just getting use to it.
Plus people living together are bound to get on each others nerves. Just sometimes you want or need an outsiders opinion. Ah last few weeks have just been hard coz he wasn't doing any study and wasn't doing his homework and just generally wouldn't lift a finger in regards to school and I had to be the bad person and give out and I hate doing it coz he's been through enough.
It's just stressful....half the time I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Well look OP, here is the thing he is 17 going on 18? he is is nearly legally an adult or will be getting there very soon, you need to stop giving out to him over this because 1. he is an adult and can legally decided what he wants to do and 2. it is causing you stress stepping into the role of your mother.

If it was me i would put it straight to him like this;

1. Explain to him that you have been pushing him as you want him to do well in life (i assume he is a smart guy or you would not be pushing him);
2. You recognise that legally he is an adult now and he can do what he wants so although you want him to do well you will leave it at that and trust him to make the right decision for his future. Be clear to him that you are always there to support him but he has to want to do well also;
3. Ultimatium time, i assume he is not working and you and your partner are helping to support him? if i was in this position i would advise him that while he is in school he always has a place in the house but once he is not being educated he has to contribute or move on.

I know the above may sound a little bit harsh but if he wants to play and act like an adult its time he understands the reality of those decisions.

Queen-Mise

I would take little hop of your fiance on this. At the moment your brother needs the help and is in an important stage of his life. His mam dying, becoming openly gay and his leaving cert.

There is such a mixture of stuff going on - sexuality, grief, being a teenager, stress...

I'd be inclined to talk to some of the parents in his class or parents with kids of a similar age and ask for their experience/advice.

I can't remember what I was like at that age, but from niece/nephews, one in particular @ 16ish, her behaviour could veer from a 6 to a 36 year old & sometimes in less than a minute. This will have balanced a little bit by 17 - but he still doesn't have a clue what he is doing and who he is in life. I hated being a teenager.

Copying the boyfriend is giving him an identity. And whatever you do - don't criticise the boyfriend or push them apart, that will only end in tears.

Get some help.

StillWaters

Thats tough OP.Believe me, parenting a teenager is hard when you are in your 40s, have reared them from birth, and with a supportive partner by your side.
I cant imagine how tough it is to step from the role of brother to father at such a young age.

You might find it useful to get some support for yourself, even just someone professional to sound off to, or maybe a parenting teenagers course to learn some strategies.
The family support agency might be a good place to start. http://fsa.ie/

Beruthiel

UtterlyLost wrote: »

Ah last few weeks have just been hard coz he wasn't doing any study and wasn't doing his homework and just generally wouldn't lift a finger in regards to school and I had to be the bad person and give out

Try a different approach OP.
Don't give out.
When he's relaxed, tell him you are there to help him out no matter what.
Ask him what he wants to do next with his life. Ask him if he knows what he has to do to achieve that.
Tell him that you want to see him grow to a happy adult who is comfortable in the choices he has made for himself.
Tell him, that at the end of the day, he is responsible for his own happiness and how to achieve it and that you are there for him every step of the way.

It's just stressful....half the time I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Rest assured, you are doing your best by him.
The fact that you are on here means you care deeply.
Don't be afraid to tell him that you hate having to give out to him but as you care for him so much, you don't know what to do for the best.