Girl cant have kids ??

billygringo

Been dating an amazing woman for the past few months, I moved her into my place just before Xmas last year.. We get a long really well.

History, I have know here since Jr High school we dated a bit then she went off did her thing i did mine etc.. she has two kids that live on their own. I am 42 she 41...

Tonight an issue came up that was unknown to me and i am feling really tossed up about it. I have mentioned to her several time about wanting a child of my own ( i have none) She hasn't said anything until tonight it surfaced on an off topic.. We do communicate well just somethings need to find there way to the surface I guess.

So turns out she cannot have anymore children she had her tubes tied after her last child.. Womans perogative yes.

However learning this what i feel is "late" in the game i.e now living together and very much attached and in love. I am finding it difficult with what to do ?? I really would like to have a child I am not interested in adopting or surragacy ?? She is a great woman and super funny and has done such a great job with her 2 kids... I am wondering if anyone else has delt with this before and how it turned out ?


Regards

CaraMay

Can they harvest her eggs and maybe do ivf? Does she want more kids with you?

Beruthiel

billygringo wrote: »

So turns out she cannot have anymore children she had her tubes tied after her last child.. Womans perogative yes.

A step she took because she clearly does not anymore children. Something I well understand, especially at the age of 41. It would be damn tough having a child at that age. I certainly wouldn't fancy it.

However, she should have told you straight off the bat.
To continue a relationship while keeping this kind of thing to yourself is extremely unfair to both parties.
I presume she said nothing because she did not want to loose you.

Within the first few weeks of meeting my now husband, I informed him that if he wanted children we should not continue to see each other.
Luckily for me he gets on great with my daughter and is happy with that.
Is it not possible for you to look at her daughters as your family now?

It now comes down to this billy, what is more important, this relationship or your need to have a child of your own?
When you can answer that, you will then know what your next step is.

Stavro Mueller

I'm only surmising here but perhaps she didn't mention the tubes thing til now because she was hoping the subject would go away. Has she ever said anything at any stage about wanting more kids? She knows that you want them but has she actually said anything on the topic herself?

What jumped out at me was your ages. She is 41 now and might not want to go through the whole thing all over again. Any that's if she has changed her mind about the sterilisation she underwent. She obviously felt strongly about it atbthr time if she had her tubes tied. You're asking a lot of her here - she'd have to undergo a reversal which may or may not work - then put herself through pregnancy in her early to mid forties.

The only thing I can suggest is that you sit down with her and have an honest conversation about this. Find out what she wants as opposed to what you want. Don't forget that she has been there, done that when it comes to kids so she's in a different place to you.

2rkehij30qtza5

She can probably still have children but through IUI or IVF. Have you discussed this?

ibarelycare

Wow, that's really unfair not telling you from the start, especially since you made your feelings clear about wanting to have children :mad:

Firstly, you need to establish whether she would like more children or if she definitely doesn't. If she does want more then it is possible, but it will be a difficult road, especially at her age. If she doesn't want more children then you need to decide whether you want to be with this woman and never be a father, or to leave her and hopefully have children with someone else.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP given both your ages I'm not surprised it didn't come up. While yes women are having children later in life it carries alot more risk and as she's already had two it's no wonder she had her tubes tied. As your both in your 40's she may have assumed you had no interest in kids. I'm not saying she was right or wrong with that assumption but given your ages it is something you would expect someone to bring up at the start if it was very important for them as the longer you wait the much higher the risk becomes. Others are saying she was unfair not mentioning it at the start but did you mention early in your relationship that you wanted kids? As you know she has kids that means the topic came up even just in passing before now. My aunt married her second husband when she was in her mid 40's and he was mid 30's. They dated and broke up because he wanted a kid and she did not want to go through a pregnancy at her age. Eventually they did get back together and married. They didn't have any kids and I'm sure this is something they came to mutual choice on and are both happy with that choice but if it's a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker.

Chucky the tree

cant log in wrote: »

To be honest OP given both your ages I'm not surprised it didn't come up. While yes women are having children later in life it carries alot more risk and as she's already had two it's no wonder she had her tubes tied. As your both in your 40's she may have assumed you had no interest in kids. I'm not saying she was right or wrong with that assumption but given your ages it is something you would expect someone to bring up at the start if it was very important for them as the longer you wait the much higher the risk becomes. Others are saying she was unfair not mentioning it at the start but did you mention early in your relationship that you wanted kids? As you know she has kids that means the topic came up even just in passing before now. My aunt married her second husband when she was in her mid 40's and he was mid 30's. They dated and broke up because he wanted a kid and she did not want to go through a pregnancy at her age. Eventually they did get back together and married. They didn't have any kids and I'm sure this is something they came to mutual choice on and are both happy with that choice but if it's a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker.

But it did come up. The OP said that he mentioned that he wanted kids a number of times. OP I'd be very tempted to leave purely because of how devious your gf was about this.

stargazer 68

Op only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is then leave her now and try to meet someone who does want kids. But no one else can make your mind up for you.

LittleBook

Actually, I'm not sure how "late in the game" this is. You've only been dating for a "few months", you moved her in (as you put it) quite quickly, have been living together for two months and now you're talking babies.

To be perfectly honest, without an absolutely unequivocal discussion of the subject (which should have happened before you moved in together, obviously), I find it a bit naive to assume a woman of 41 (probably 42 or 43 by the time she would have a baby even if she could) with two grown up children, would seriously consider having another baby. It's not unheard of but I'm her age and I'd run a mile.

Do you feel she genuinely misled you? Did she even take you seriously when you mentioned this to her before? There's a big difference between saying "I'd love a child of my own" and "Will you have my baby?".

So if you believe you've made your position clear to her and she's been leading you along, it's hard to imagine what kind of future you have together.

But if this is one of those things that "need to find their way to the surface" and only did so last tonight ... and she genuinely didn't consider it seriously ... you will need to decide which is more important ... your relationship with this woman or your desire to have a child of your own.

Queen-Mise

Walk OP - this is devious and not nice. Basically she has wasted your time. You stated that it was important to you to have a child and she continued to deceive you - that maybe this was an option between you. When in fact - it wasn't.

Walk away - the woman you think you love is not who she is. She tricked you and led you on. Not nice at all.

There is no problem you having children with another woman. I would state if from the start though. Don't waste your time with a woman if she is not willing to entertain the though of having children.

41 is young still for a dad, heading into fifties is a bit different;), but you are a good away from that yet - it is problematic for women heading into their forties but not for men.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

But it did come up. The OP said that he mentioned that he wanted kids a number of times. OP I'd be very tempted to leave purely because of how devious your gf was about this.

As LittleBook said there's a massive difference between mentioning you'd like kids of your own to asking someone to have a kid with you. Yes the OP has known this woman for awhile but they've both gone off and had lived their lives away from each other and have only been dating a few months. The OP's choice of wording saying he moved her into his place sounds a little off After only dating a few months it seems rushed. Why did she move in OP - was it due to her needing somewhere to stay or was it due to being madly in love?

Calling her devious is a little strong unless she really mislead the OP - what happened when you started having sex OP? Did she claim to be on the pill? If she made a comment or implied something that would mislead the OP in that regard maybe but it may just be a case that this woman [a] didn't see the relationship getting so serious so fast and given her age just didn't think about kids and when the OP mentioned it she might have assumed he meant with someone else. Might simply be a case that she doesn't view the relationship as seriously as the OP.

CaraMay

Have you discuss or used contraception? What was discussed in this regard?

aidan24326

OP, she ought to have told you before moving in together that's for sure, especially as she knew already that you wanted kids.

Since you were moving her into your place and the relationship was getting quite serious it would be sensible for her to at least have considered the possibility that it might be her you wanted to have a child with.

You were hardly going to commit to living with her and then decide to go off and make a baby with someone else, so in that sense she has either been a little bit devious or quite naieve to think that this wouldn't become an issue soon enough. If she definitely doesn't want any more kids then you're faced with a difficult choice (and let's be honest, she's 41, her tubes are tied and she has two fairly grown-up kids already - your chances of having a kid with her are not too good).

tinkerbell

OP, in fairness what do you expect? The woman is 41, you obviously knew her age from the minute you started dating agin because you knew her from school. Are you not aware of how a woman's fertility works? Above 40 there can be huge risks associated with pregnancy and plenty of women are done with pregnancy by the time they are 40. If you wanted someone who could carry your kids, then you probably should be dating a younger woman. Also just because IVF may be an option, doesn't mean the woman would want to go through with it, it can be very stressful and costs thousands and may still not work anyway. 42 may be still considered young for a dad, but it's not for a woman. Women aged 35+ who are pregnant have "geriatric pregnancy" written on their file.

Also, you've hardly been duped "late in the game". You've only been seeing her for a few months! The way you're talking, it's like you've been together years and only finding out about this now.

dannyc31

OP, in fairness what do you expect? The woman is 41, you obviously knew her age from the minute you started dating agin because you knew her from school. Are you not aware of how a woman's fertility works? Above 40 there can be huge risks associated with pregnancy and plenty of women are done with pregnancy by the time they are 40. If you wanted someone who could carry your kids, then you probably should be dating a younger woman. Also just because IVF may be an option, doesn't mean the woman would want to go through with it, it can be very stressful and costs thousands and may still not work anyway. 42 may be still considered young for a dad, but it's not for a woman. Women aged 35+ who are pregnant have "geriatric pregnancy" written on their file.

Also, you've hardly been duped "late in the game". You've only been seeing her for a few months! The way you're talking, it's like you've been together years and only finding out about this now.

tinkerbell is speaking alot of sense here. i find it hard to beleive that you wouldnt know how a womans fertility works. did you know you wanted to have kids or is this just something you have felt with this woman? if you have always known you wanted kids then i would ask two questions 1. you are 42 why havent you had them already? and 2. if you knew you wanted kids when you started dating this woman then alarm bells should of sounded as soon as you found out her age. it might seem cold but the reality is you would have had to decide to possibly end things with this woman at the early stages of the relationship as her chances of having more children get less and less literally by the day. a womans fertility literally falls off a cliff after the age of 35 i'm a man and even i know that.

the other thing is, have you asked yourself why is it you actually want your own kid? is it just for selfish reasons that you want to say that one of the kids is your own or is it something you could not be happy having in the future? if you actually think about it you might actually realise that your want of having a child is nothing more than your genetic hormones & biology which are programmed to crave this, talking to you . but will a child or the struggle to have a child actually add to this realtionship at all in the long term.

i'm not anti children but i always feel some people can think that it has to be a given that you have children with a partner & they cant be happy without. there is alot more to life than just having a few kids but if you dont feel that way then you should think about ending things. as someone else said its alot to ask of her to go through all of this at her age and the success rate of IVF is still less than 30% so you might not even get there in the end after months of stress and thousands of euros.

so i agree with one of the other posters, whats more important to you, having this child of your own, or staying in this happy loving relationship you have with this woman. only you can decide that.

username123

OP I cant believe that you even thought that a 41 year old woman with 2 grown up children of her own would be wanting to have a baby. Besides lifestyle reasons, surely you realise that after 35 a womans fertility is in decline and there are more risks involved?

Im sorry, but as a 42 year old man you sound incredibly naive. If you want to have a baby I suggest you find a younger girl to go out with.

Magicmatilda

I think that if you had said, therefore making her aware, that you wanted to have children of your own she should have been honest with you about that not being possible with her when she moved in. I don't think it's fair that other posters have put this on you, that you should have somehow known she wouldn't want them. I know plenty of women on their forties who would love to try for a child. I think she has been very dishonest. Perhaps though she was motivated out if fear if losing you, rather than maliciousness. So you need to ask why she never made this clear and work out whether this is a deal breaker for you.

LegacyUser

OP, my sympathies. If it's any consolation, even if your gf hadn't her tubes tied, the chances of her becoming pregnant at 42/43 (allowing ye another year or two to ensure your relationship is "stable") would be slim to none, either by natural or artificial means.

Date a younger woman if you want a child. May be an idea to check your own fertility first also, before breaking up this relationship.

Chucky the tree

cant log in wrote: »

As LittleBook said there's a massive difference between mentioning you'd like kids of your own to asking someone to have a kid with you. Yes the OP has known this woman for awhile but they've both gone off and had lived their lives away from each other and have only been dating a few months. The OP's choice of wording saying he moved her into his place sounds a little off After only dating a few months it seems rushed. Why did she move in OP - was it due to her needing somewhere to stay or was it due to being madly in love?

Calling her devious is a little strong unless she really mislead the OP - what happened when you started having sex OP? Did she claim to be on the pill? If she made a comment or implied something that would mislead the OP in that regard maybe but it may just be a case that this woman [a] didn't see the relationship getting so serious so fast and given her age just didn't think about kids and when the OP mentioned it she might have assumed he meant with someone else. Might simply be a case that she doesn't view the relationship as seriously as the OP.

Of course she miss led the OP. He mentioned he wants kids numerous times and she doesn't mention she got her tubes tied? It's not something someone just forgets about. When discussion of moving in came up did she not think of mentioning it then?

willow tree

I'm really surprised with the responses. I know lots of women who've started relationships late 30s /early 40s & have 1 and sometimes 2 little babies (some with older kids, some not). anyway, that part is between youse. we all make mistakes & I think yours was not clearly discussing this before she moved in. You need to have that discussion now & decide what's most important for you now. Theres a lot to consider. Good luck with it all.

pwurple

I find it odd that you wouldn't have discussed contraception when you went to move in with her.

Tubal ligation is a serious enough procedure though... I'm surprised she had it done if she wasn't in a relationship at the time. You need to be very sure you don't want any children to go through with that.

This though, is just not true.

If it's any consolation, even if your gf hadn't her tubes tied, the chances of her becoming pregnant at 42/43 (allowing ye another year or two to ensure your relationship is "stable") would be slim to none, either by natural or artificial means.

Women can continue to have children right into their 50's, or whenever menopause starts. Fertility decreases for some people alright, and it can be more difficult to get pregnant. But not impossible.

I would be more of the thinking that if she has clearly said she doesn't want any, then you should believe her. She doesn't want any. If you do, then decide if you want to go and persue it.

up for anything

Beruthiel wrote: »

It would be damn tough having a child at that age.

It's not that tough.

lkjl wrote: »

OP, my sympathies. If it's any consolation, even if your gf hadn't her tubes tied, the chances of her becoming pregnant at 42/43 (allowing ye another year or two to ensure your relationship is "stable") would be slim to none, either by natural or artificial means.

Date a younger woman if you want a child. May be an idea to check your own fertility first also, before breaking up this relationship.

Such wrong information. You need to do a bit of research. :eek:


OP, lots of women have children even past the advanced age of 40. It really isn't that difficult to get pregnant or to find the energy to bear and raise a child when you're over 40. The difficult bit would be her getting pregnant after tubal ligation and whether she would actually want to have another child. Lots of women who swear they wouldn't ever have another child change their minds when they enter a new relationship.

Emme

A friend had her first baby last year at 43 with a 54 year old husband. So far things are going well for them.

OP, I'm surprised you didn't find out about your GF's tubal ligation when you first started sleeping together. I'm sure you discussed contraception so that should have come up then. She should have told you - if she didn't then it was underhand of her.

You have to decide whether you want to stay with this woman and have no children of your own, or leave her and find a woman who is willing to have children with you. As a man you have more options open to you so if you really want children then go for it.

mood

Did you not talk about the future of your relationship before moving in together? Surely this was the time for her to lay her cards on the table.