Alone, abroad, heartbroken

tomthetank

Hi,

Didn't know whether or not I should post this in RI or PI, as it's sort of both...Mods feel free to move as you see fit.

So the backstory is I'm female, mid 20s, living abroad, working in a busy job, and recently started dating a guy who was sort of part of a social circle I was in over here. I came here with close friends, all of whom have left in the last six months or so, so this social circle was really all of what was left of my friends over here. "Friends", really. Just people to hang out with.

Two weeks ago, after three months of dating, this guy ended it in a really awful and humiliating way, when he essentially ignored me all night at a night out, walked away from me any time I approached and then told me he "didn't want a relationship, with anyone, at the moment."

At this stage I, stupidly, had developed really strong feelings, despite him never really measuring up to what you'd expect from a guy when you're seeing him (never texted, called, wouldn't hear from him for up to a week between dates, etc, just general lack of commitment)

I've been reeling ever since tbh, just so upset and feeling so alone, with the lack of family and close friends over here. It's really hit me hard, the blatant rejection of it from a guy I felt so strongly for and then the isolation of not seeing anyone really ever since it happened.

Luckily work keeps me busy, but I just don't know how to approach the whole social situation. The people in this circle are greater friends with him than me (know him from home) and I've always sort of been on the fringe of the group, what with work commitments and other closer friends that would be around...but now I feel like they are all I have socially, but the whole ex situation has just left me paranoid, insecure, unsure of how to proceed.

All the big nights out...he would almost certainly be there. They're also the type that wouldn't contact you if something was happening - I would have to give someone a call or a text to find out and then sort of invite myself along. Which in itself is a weird buzz...I'm used to more solid friendships. But unfortunately all my friends are on the other side of the world right now.

I'm just a bit of a mess. Not feeling very social on the one hand; in need of people to talk to and take my mind off it on the other. I know in theory I should do the "join new groups, persue my hobbies" etc...but it's sort of hard when you're already feeling a bit fragile, and then have all these work commitments which really impinge on the time I do have to meet up with people.

Weekends are a bit sad at the moment. It's just gym, chores, maybe knock about town, and home to watch TV on my own. I feel I should be reaching out more, but the absolute paranoia of the boy being there, what he's told them, what they think of me...etc. In truth they're not close friends, just people to hang out with.

I guess I'm just looking for advice. I'm trying to keep busy with work, gym, etc but finding this void in my social life, while at the same time trying to give myself time to get over this heartache, and not really knowing how to marry those two things...

Any advice or insight or kicks up the as5 would be much appreciated

Diziet

Well, the relationship did not work, but why would you think anyone would think badly of you? Go out with your friends if this is what you want. Most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to worry about others, and really they care about it a lot less than you do!

Any chance of getting to know your colleagues better? maybe over some coffee, lunch? Expanding your list of acquaintances is useful. They don't have to be close friends. That's how new friendships are made.

Hope you feel brighter soon.

Monkey Allen

There are likely to be some ex pat groups where you are. Look out for them. It's people in a very similar situation to you as they are usually on their own in a new country. I live in Sydney now and have been very impressed with how ex pats unite and build a social life together very quickly.

This fella you were seeing sounds like a bit of a back packer or someone who see's a new city and new rules, ie free for all. Good luck to him, even if he was disrespectful to you. No point dwelling on him and this group of friends don't sound like your type of people.

The solutions to problems are usually much easier to find than we think and often involves far less effort than we believe they will when we are worried about them.

beks101

Maybe you should take a break from that crowd for a while and give yourself a chance to get over this guy.

The heart-ache and paranoia and insecurity and all those feelings will die down in a few weeks, and if you can keep busy in the mean time, you won't be as obsessed with this group of people and your ex's whereabouts etc.

Do you have any friends outside of them that you could hang out with? Any colleagues at work that you get on well with and could meet for coffee etc? I know what it's like when you're abroad, you tend to rely on your social circle perhaps more than you would at home because you don't have your family and that usual support network, but it doesn't mean you have to settle for people who don't make you feel good about yourself I.E this crowd.

Take care of yourself for these few weeks, get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise, stay focused at work etc and before you know it you'll be strong enough to meet new people and build up some friendships again and this guy will be ancient history. Hang in there, it doesn't last long I promise x

tomthetank

Yeah thanks guys.

I think the problem is that this guy became my social outlet while I was seeing him, as we started dating just as my best friends went home and the kind of once-a-week meet ups were what kept me going. He also became my new link to this group of people, and now that that's severed, it's just complete silence from them.

I guess I'm lucky in that I haven't consciously had to "make friends" in years, it's always just happened organically through friends of friends, work colleagues etc. But now I suppose I'll have to make that concerted effort again.

Have joined a local running group, might go to a meet up at the weekend. I also know one girl I get on quite well with over here so might drop her a line, go out for drinks or something. It's just a strange position to be in, from having a wide social circle with lots happening, to all of a sudden...nothing.

And I miss the guy something terrible too, even though he just was wrong for me.

Eve_Dublin

I´m guessing you're missing him more because of your limited social circle and social life but I'm sure you recognise that yourself. You've too much time to think about this. He sounds like a bit of a tool if you don't mind me saying. Ignoring you on nights out?

Listen, I think once you get out and about and a few more friends, you'll be fine and I think that's what you need to focus on. I know your confidence is low but sitting in and not trying to change your circumstances will only make you feel worse. Forget about finding a large group of friends like you had when you lived at home - a few close mates you can rely on is a million times better than a large group of acquaintances who aren't there for you when the going gets tough.

I live abroad too and had a bad experience with a guy here who I thought wanted more but saw me as a FB. At that time, I was staying in a hostel between apartments and I remember the loneliness was compounded because I was away from the familiar and didn't have old friends who would put up with my moaning.

It's hard to make friends abroad - I don't have any work colleagues (I teach English in companies), so I had to make a huge effort to meet people. I posted an ad up on an ex pat website and after making friends with a few people I didn't really click with, I became friends with one really sociable girl and through her, I've met more friends but that has taken time. I dont have a huge amount of friends but I've got about 5 solid friendships now.

I see all this as character building. It takes balls to make it work in foreign country. You don't have the safety net that you do at home, so don't be so hard on yourself. I do think you have to get off your couch though and make an effort, even if you feel your confidence has been knocked or you will only feel worse. You've no reason to feel stupid - he was the one who treated you disrespectfully and as another poster said, people are more worried about their own problems than to worry about yours.

Give that girl you get along well with a call and see where it goes. Maybe she has some friends you could meet. Step by step - you'll be grand.

LegacyUser

You sound like your in the same boat as a friend of mine OP. He's australian and over here for a year working and hung out mainly with a bunch of ex-pat Australians. I know him via work and mentioned he should try and make more none australian friends but he built his whole social life around this group. He started dating a girl in his group, it lasted two months then went pear shaped and he found it just really uncomfortable hanging out with this group. The girl told him they could be friends but she found that she couldn't do that after all so she just ignored him and as she was much closer friends with this group then him he felt very cut out. He then spent a month driving me mad as I was pretty much the only person he didn't know via this group. He did finally see that he needed to be pro-active and joined a swing dance club, something he'd always wanted to try but never had the guts, and has never been happier.

He's not the first I've seen this happen to. I've never understood the mentality of folks going aboard and having social lives that revolve totally around other ex-pats. I've lived outside of Ireland on and off for the past 15 years and never done that. I know some people get home stick and it's nice to chat to folks who get that you seriously shouldn't limit your social life to it. Always healthier to have a range of interests and hobbies and make friends via them. Also nice to have different circles of friends so if there is drama it's following you everywhere. Joining the running club is a good start OP just keep moving forward like that.

tomthetank

Hey, thanks for the advice, sorry just getting back to this thread now.

Yeah EvefromDublin heis a bit of a tool, although I think it's moreso he's totally socially awkward and crap at expressing himself emotionally, it was like that from day one. I'm pretty open and outgoing and communicative so I don't think it ever really could hav eworked.

Met up with a mutual friend of ours at the weekend and she hadn't a clue, she was like "how's X?" Was really surprised when I told her what happened and said he's quite private and can be a bit awkward in general, so she can imagine him being that way. Good just to talk about it with someone else, but sort of put him in my brain again and I've been sort of sad ever since.

But getting there. Have started running more and work is getting busier and busier so will have plenty of distractions for the next few weeks. I'm sure I'll be grand in time!

Thanks again!

Nymeria

Hi OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation. You have some good advice here, and the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself for the next few weeks, concentrate on getting your head back in a good place and building up your own social network.

Something similar happened to me a few years ago, after my first long term relationship ended. The guy had a big network of friends from childhood and school that he had stayed in touch with, whereas I has only kept contact with a few of mine. So, as we were dating I felt as though I had a whole new group of instant friends as it were, and really got along well with so many of them - we went to festivals and on holidays together, saw eachother all the time.

After two years I found out he had been cheating on me with different girls for most of our relationship. Some of those girls were in the wider circle of 'friends'. It became clear that pretty much everybody knew except me, and when I broke up with him, I had to come to terms with losing a whole group of close friends as well. A few of them said that it would be fine, I was still welcome to come out with them, but my ex very soon started dating one of the girls he had cheated with, and she pretty much replaced me. One or two of his friends told me afterwards that they didn't approve of what he did, but they had all been friends for years blah blah blah...

It was a harsh lesson, but one that I am ultimately grateful for. The friendships I have now are not many, but they are my own and based on more than just being somebody's latest girlfriend. I kind of had to start from scratch and ended up taking an opportunity to move away for college a few weeks later. The best thing I did was take myself out of that situation, as it gave me some head space to figure things out.

Anyway, you are doing the right thing, you need to look out for yourself right now. Don't get caught in the trap of trying to pretend like everything is fine, like I did in the beginning. I thought I could carry on hanging out with the same group doing the same things, but it was too painful at the time because things had changed so much.

Sorry for the long rant. Best of luck.