Massive blow...boyfriend admits a kiss 4 years ago

confused28

I don't know where to even start...

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 brilliant years. Things have always been great between us and honestly call him my best friend. Thought I was living the dream!

One small thing that used to worry me lately was the fact that if ever the subject of infidelity came up on TV or in conversation he would go red and act really strange and change the subject very awkwardly. It worried me because I never thought this was a natural reaction, so a few times I asked him out straight why he gets so worked up when the subject arises. He would tell me that I was looking for something that wasn't there...cue me to feel like a paranoid freak who was making her man feel bad for no reason.. I would drop the matter and move on....

So....Last night I got really worried when he had a major red faced reaction to a similar infidelity scenario on TV. I pretty much had enough and so I asked calmly what is the story and even said that I would understand, which I even thought I might...

So yes he tells me that he had a very drunken kiss when he was in college four years ago....my heart broke and felt like I had been kicked in ribs. Although I had a feeling that something was wrong I never thought it could really be true, he is such a perfect man.

I cannot imagine my life without him. I have told him that I could forgive the act of the drunken kiss. But I cant think straight, I am just in total shock that this has been there in the background for 4 years! I do believe him when he says that it was just a kiss on the dance floor and that it meant nothing. He was so disgusted with himself for upsetting me and he said it has been eating him up but didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me.

I don't really know what I am asking but I really don't know what to do next..has anyone been in similar situation?? He says he wants to move forward with our lives and get married and he only wants to be with me. That was what I wanted too, But...If I forgive and move on will this be something I will always think about, will my trust be gone, can that be built back up?

I am at a total loss and utterly confused and broken. Hopefully someone can give me some much needed words of wisdom..

jantheman91

He seems genuinely sorry. Certain people believe you make a conscious decision to kiss someone when drunk, i beg to differ. If he was sober this wouldn't have happened. As it was only a kiss i'd not worry about it. He comes off as being pretty guilty about it, and if you've ever suffered from guilt before you know it's not a nice feeling.

I get that it shouldn't have happened, but it did. People say you can't blame the alcohol but i'm not so sure. Alcohol alters your senses incredibly. I'm sure you'll find plenty of studies showing that alcohol induces behaviours not seen in sober individuals.

Make certain he doesn't do it again and let that be the end of it. If it was sex on the other hand i'd have a very different standpoint.

changeling

A drunken kiss, on a dancefloor, FOUR YEARS AGO, are you serious..

No wonder he couldn't tell you , look at your total overreaction

Get over yourself:eek:

confused28

Thanks jantheman91 for that. I fully take on board that the alcohol was behind it. Thanks for helping to confirm that for me.

Changeling I appreciate your response,I don't think I over reacted, I was shocked when I heard that and its very easy for your mind to wander with all sorts of possibilities.. I always thought of kissing as crossing the line as it is.

I want to move on with our lives together, was just wondering about the future. Thanks for the help, really appreciate it.

Herrick

changeling wrote: »

A drunken kiss, on a dancefloor, FOUR YEARS AGO, are you serious..

No wonder he couldn't tell you , look at your total overreaction

Get over yourself:eek:

Ah here come on! She just found out her bf of eight years cheated for Gods sake. Yes it was a long time ago, but she's just found out. I'd love to see how many people would shrug their shoulders on finding out their OH cheated simply because it was a while ago. Having hid it well doesn't make it any less hurtful ffs.

This reminds me of a girl I knew in college. One of her mates admitted to her bf she kissed a guy the year before and he dumped her. Her friend had the same attitude "it happened a year ago, he should get over it like"

She hadn't the same attitude though when she found out her bf did the dirt on her

OP for what its worth, I'm usually very black and white about this sorta thing. But it does sound like he's been feeling very guilty and uncomfortable in himself over this. I mean going red and kinda cringing over it seems like he knows it was very wrong. It might be worth giving it a shot.

P. Breathnach

On the scale of infidelities, a drunken kiss is not quite at the top. It seems obvious that your boyfriend regrets what he did; I'd even go so far as to say that the guilt he seems to feel is exceptional, out of proportion to the wrong he has done. So also is your reaction a bit excessive.

This is a bump on the road, not a major car crash.

You told him you could forgive it: now do it. Move on.

Taltos

changeling - welcome to PI/RI. Before you contribute to anymore threads please take the time now to read our respective charters. Above all else we ask posters to only post in a constructive fashion and always to stay civil. Doing otherwise can and will result in mod action being taken.

Thanks
Taltos

daisybelle2008

confused28 wrote: »

Thanks jantheman91 for that. I fully take on board that the alcohol was behind it. Thanks for helping to confirm that for me.

Changeling I appreciate your response,I don't think I over reacted, I was shocked when I heard that and its very easy for your mind to wander with all sorts of possibilities.. I always thought of kissing as crossing the line as it is.

I want to move on with our lives together, was just wondering about the future. Thanks for the help, really appreciate it.

OP this is as big a deal as you make it. Seriously in the bigger scheme of things it is nothing, you know he has been honest, wipe the slate clean and move on. Ye have a good relationship and a good future. Give himself and yourself a break on drop it completely. You know in your heart the person he is. Respect and reward his honesty by letting it go. Jesus one drunken dance floor gob lob 4 years ago is not worth destroying what you have.
Seriously the amount of sh*tty behaviour people tolerate in some of the RI posts is astounding, and I would be on the 'throw in the towel' end of the advise spectrum in most cases, but in your case clearly this is really minor. If I was him I would never told you, so credit him with that.
But seriously move on...

Cerulean Chicken

It wouldn't be the kiss that would bother me so much as the 4 years of keeping it quiet, if I was told just after it happened I could possibly forgive it but not knowing it was kept quiet like that for so long. So I think it's unfair to say the OP is overreacting, she's reacting to the secrecy more than an actual small kiss, which would still be cheating to me, I know others go by the severity of the incident.

confused28

Thanks again for the replies,

Yeh to be fair its not so much the kiss as to the wondering well if that can be kept secret for so long then is there anything else that he could be hiding or could hide in future? In my heart I don't think there is, but my mind is wandering, its all still a bit new. P Breathnach I've been in a major car crash and still injured as a result, its just a different type of pain and I can handle physical pain no prob.

I want to move on and get on with our lives together, I suppose there's no point in dwelling on the 'what if's' and I don't want to end up paranoid over secrecy..he really is a star and don't want to lose him...I suppose I should be having this chat with himself!

Thanks again for all the responses, really helped.

P. Breathnach

confused28 wrote: »

... Yeh to be fair its not so much the kiss as to the wondering well if that can be kept secret for so long then is there anything else that he could be hiding or could hide in future? ...

Come on! It's obvious that he isn't much good at concealing things from you - it's just that you were not very willing to read the signs until recently.

P Breathnach I've been in a major car crash and still injured as a result, its just a different type of pain and I can handle physical pain no prob.

Sorry to hear that. I chose an unfortunate image!

I want to move on and get on with our lives together...

As we go through life, most of us need to be forgiven for some things. Life without forgiveness would be intolerable.

Take the good stuff, and throw the bad stuff into the bin.

confused28

Thanks

CaraMay

He is also only doing it now to salve his own conscience and not because he wanted to be honest for honesty sake. If he wanted to tell the truth he would have done it 4 years ago. Now he just can't stand the heat as he couldn't keep the cover. Not really admirable especially on top of the cheating.

IrishEyes19

changeling wrote: »

A drunken kiss, on a dancefloor, FOUR YEARS AGO, are you serious..

No wonder he couldn't tell you , look at your total overreaction

Get over yourself:eek:

There's definately an over-reaction but it's not the OP!

OP, chat to him. Clearly it was eating him up, at least its out there now and you know whats going on. I think he is sorry. I hope you can work it out

Ah_Yeah

To me the infidelity I could get over if it was just a once off kiss 4 years ago.

I can see where the OP is coming from, it's lies I can't stand.

OP, he seems genuinely sorry, ultimately it's your choice but I'd wipe the slate clean and move on. But that is what you must do - move on. If you decide to forgive and forget, you cannot bring this up in future or let it influence your relationship. I know that's easier said than done but nothing is worse than holding something over someone for the duration of a relationship.

I am black and white when it comes to this stuff - you either move on and forgive or you dont.

ted1

To be honest once in 4 years the guys a saint. I really wouldn't worry about it.

LegacyUser

If it was me I would feel entitled to be upset and shocked, but not for very long to be honest, there's no point. You need to get over it, forgive him, and move on, otherwise it will eat at you. It's not a dealbreaker in my opinion - you don't want to throw away your whole relationship based on this. It sounds like he genuinely regretted it and suffered a lot of guilt because of it. Best of luck

fog arty

I think a drunken kiss on the dance floor is not a relationship breaker. Maybe you should talk to him about his drinking as a lot of people do stupid things when drunk

philologos

confused28 wrote: »

I don't know where to even start...

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 brilliant years. Things have always been great between us and honestly call him my best friend. Thought I was living the dream!

One small thing that used to worry me lately was the fact that if ever the subject of infidelity came up on TV or in conversation he would go red and act really strange and change the subject very awkwardly. It worried me because I never thought this was a natural reaction, so a few times I asked him out straight why he gets so worked up when the subject arises. He would tell me that I was looking for something that wasn't there...cue me to feel like a paranoid freak who was making her man feel bad for no reason.. I would drop the matter and move on....

So....Last night I got really worried when he had a major red faced reaction to a similar infidelity scenario on TV. I pretty much had enough and so I asked calmly what is the story and even said that I would understand, which I even thought I might...

So yes he tells me that he had a very drunken kiss when he was in college four years ago....my heart broke and felt like I had been kicked in ribs. Although I had a feeling that something was wrong I never thought it could really be true, he is such a perfect man.

I cannot imagine my life without him. I have told him that I could forgive the act of the drunken kiss. But I cant think straight, I am just in total shock that this has been there in the background for 4 years! I do believe him when he says that it was just a kiss on the dance floor and that it meant nothing. He was so disgusted with himself for upsetting me and he said it has been eating him up but didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me.

I don't really know what I am asking but I really don't know what to do next..has anyone been in similar situation?? He says he wants to move forward with our lives and get married and he only wants to be with me. That was what I wanted too, But...If I forgive and move on will this be something I will always think about, will my trust be gone, can that be built back up?

I am at a total loss and utterly confused and broken. Hopefully someone can give me some much needed words of wisdom..

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting it means choosing not to remember.

Forgive him. Realistically we've all screwed up in one way or another. He's acknowledged his wrongdoing and is truly sorry. If he truly is good to you forgive.

December2012

Look there's a difference in reasons why people cheat and don't come clean.

To do it again?
For ego?
Shame?
Embarrassment in self?
Fear of losing a loved one?

It appears that his reasons for not telling you was not to pull the wool over your eyes, not to make a tit out of you and not to do it again.

More likely it's a combination of the last few.

If it were me, I'd be devastated, but I'd forgive my husband and try for us both to move on.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Lovely Bloke

The fact that he was going red at the mere sight of something on TV, couldn't talk about the subject and changed the topic quickly, and all that stuff says to me that he has mortified himself with his behaviour, and wouldn't even think about doing it again - he'd never be able to live with himself if it went further than a drunken kiss.

This man is a keeper, if for no other reason other than he has experienced himself total guilt about a drunken kiss on a college night out out. 4 Years ago. He'd never do something remotely like that again.

4 years is a long gap, especially from going to college life to "real" life. You grow up more for a start.

This man loves you, was trying to protect you, but in the end couldn't keep up the lie.

He most certainly has not been running around spreading his seed into any woman who'd have him, and is not going to start either.

Marry him, he loves you.

LegacyUser

To be honest I think your lucky, it was a genuine mistake from what I can see. He was remorseful, felt guilt and from the sounds of it wouldn't do it again. It something that he couldn't hide if he did (not now anyway). It also seems to me that he regretted it and wouldn't do it again. Although its hurtful and it happened, I wouldn't throw away eight years and more so, if you do love him. There are so many people out there that do this with no remorse, not a bit of guilt and would never admit to it, never be honest. Thats why I think you have a good guy here and maybe worth the chance.

I understand the shock to the system right now but give your self time to get a clear head. Its a horrible thing to have to go through and you need time.

I wish you all the best x

LegacyUser

I know this sounds weird, but to be honest if he is THAT guilty about a drunken snog from 4 years ago then I doubt hes someone who would ever cheat again. Even four years on hes still uncomfortable about it. It seems to be a genuine mistake that he feels awful about, I'd give him another chance.