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Don't know what to do.

  • 11-02-2013 2:15am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I am with my boyfriend almost 2 years and we are really great together and he makes me very happy. Ww have had our ups and downs but got through them and been very happy. But there is one issue I am not sure I can deal with and am scared now as we have become more serious and I love him so much.

    He is a racist. I spent 3 years of my life working against racism, have worked with asylum seekers and have a complete inability to understand how anyone can hate a person based on colour, religion, sexual orientation or where they come from.

    He will say he is not racist but to me him blaming Romanians and other foreigners for the state of our country and wanting them to go home is racism in my book.

    I always thought he was joking and he didn't feel like that until tonight in the pub. I wasn't drinking so saw it with clearer eyes.

    I dropped him home and barely said a word coz I am just so hurt and upset that the man I was talking marriage with on Friday night could hold such beliefs.

    I really don't know what to do and whether it is possible to have a future with someone who is so completely opposite to me on an issue that is such a big part of my personality.

    To me racists and paedophiles are on a similar level of morally corrupted people. As someone who suffered religious bigotry in my past which had a serious impact on my life I really can't condone it no matter how much I love someone.

    Is there a way through this or should I walk away?


Comments

  • #2
    Roisy7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 548 ✭✭✭Roisy7


    Yeeesh that's a tough one. I dislike racism too, but having never suffered from discrimination it's very much an abstract for me. (For example, I wouldn't class racists and paedophiles on the same level- yes I would class the KKK on the same level, but not the ignorance your boyfriend has displayed).

    But for you this cuts deep.

    In his defence, he was drunk. Not much of a one, but still.

    I have always argued with people who spout off about foreigners. Some of my friends are like that, and a workmate who I otherwise really liked and respected. With the workmate I pointed out that her nephew was in Oz, and what was the difference between that and a Polish person in Ireland. She had to concede that in the end.

    I think you need to talk to him one on one about this. You have all the facts at your disposal, you know the reality of asylum seekers in Ireland, and you can educate him, if he wants to be educated.

    It's your choice as to how much of a dealbreaker this is. Sorry I can't be more help.


  • #3
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Don't stay with him.

    You could ask him to change, but he probably won't. If he changes anything it might just be what he says around you, but not what he actually thinks.

    You say he's racist. You equate racists to paedos.

    Would you stay with a paedo?


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    December2012 wrote: »
    Don't stay with him.

    You could ask him to change, but he probably won't. If he changes anything it might just be what he says around you, but not what he actually thinks.

    You say he's racist. You equate racists to paedos.

    Would you stay with a paedo?

    No I wouldn't.

    I think I may have slightly overreacted with the peado reference coz he has never and I don't think he would ever act on his opinions.

    I text him a few times and suggested we talk but he thinks that's a bad idea coz I will just get upset. In other words he just wants to forget about it.

    Im not sure I can. I have been so sick all day because I can't bare the thoughts of being without him but im not sure I could live the rest of my life with someone who has sych little respect for all mankind.


  • #5
    P. Breathnach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    I believe that a couple who love one another can cope with many differences. I also believe that there are some differences that cannot be tolerated in an enduring relationship: these are differences in fundamental values. To my mind, and I suspect to most people's minds, a person whose values include toleration and inclusiveness would not be able to sustain a relationship with a racist: it's an unbridgeable difference.


  • #6
    Meller
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 436 ✭✭Meller


    I feel the same way as you about racism, so I'm not trying to justify it here. But racism is just born out of ignorance. Less than a century ago, it's likely we all would've been raging racists, misogynists, homophobes etc. - not necessarily bad, cruel people. We just wouldn't have known any better.

    Can you try talking to him about it calmly, try opening his mind? It's likely he was brought up this way and essentially brainwashed into believing all these silly assumptions. Come up with some clear arguments opposing his stance and try to talk to him about it. It's important to be VERY calm and not get worked up (even if he says something you don't like) - it's difficult to talk about such a sensitive topic and getting riled up will just lead to an argument.

    It might take a while, but he doesn't sound like a bad guy. He has no reason to feel like this if he's given the right information or another perspective. It's not true that people can't change, not at all - I often change how I feel about certain things when I hear another point of view.

    (Also: he might be too stubborn to admit you've influenced him at first, but that doesn't mean you won't get through to him eventually)


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  • #7
    LittleBook
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    P. Breathnach wrote: »
    To my mind, and I suspect to most people's minds, a person whose values include toleration and inclusiveness would not be able to sustain a relationship with a racist: it's an unbridgeable difference.

    I'd normally agree with you P ... but something's not quite right about this for me:
    conflicted wrote: »
    I am with my boyfriend almost 2 years and we are really great together and he makes me very happy ... He is a racist ... He will say he is not racist but to me him blaming Romanians and other foreigners for the state of our country and wanting them to go home is racism in my book ... I always thought he was joking and he didn't feel like that until tonight in the pub. I wasn't drinking so saw it with clearer eyes ... As someone who suffered religious bigotry in my past which had a serious impact on my life I really can't condone it no matter how much I love someone

    OP, you seem quite sensitive to the issue of racism based on personal experience, your language is quite dramatic on the subject. But really, how bad a racist can he be if you (who takes this issue quite seriously) have been happy for two years with him? Have you really called him on this attitude before now?

    I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Racism is learned behaviour, as is tolerance.

    If he refuses to discuss it there probably is no point, but there is a chance that he can learn from you ... if you're willing to teach him that is. :)


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