HouseShare: Delicate problem

LegacyUser

Hey there,

I wasn't sure where to post this so i'll leave it here.

I live in a house share with several other people in Galway and we all get along quite well with each other.
And until recently enough there hasn't been any issues at all.

Since the new year, and to a certain degree before it aswell, one of our housemates girlfriends has effectively moved in with us.
She stays over in the house at least 3-4 nights a week and often 5-6 nights. For all intents and purposes she is another housemate now.
She uses the house as much as everyone else, taking space in the fridge using the cooker/microwave,dipping into communal house supplies using
available parking spaces, water, electricity, television, internet etc....... Without so much as paying a cent towards any of it.

In addition to this there are some annoyances that occur as a result. Obviously the happy couple don't just sit in their room at all times and can
often be found cuddled,play acting or having coupley laughs and private discussions with each other(often even in our company which can be quite jarring), as a couple does, in the communal areas of the house.

There was an agreement that this house was a "couples need not apply" deal and all the other housemates who have partners have managed to balance this quite well without totally excluding their OH's from the house. It can be frustrating wanting to just come home and slouchin front of the TV and relax but not being able to because the pair are there or even the girl by herself(she lets herself in on occasion).

All this said we all actually like both of them. A lot. Individually we're actually quite good friends with them and they're quite easy to get along with, the exception being this problem. Its kind of insulting really, there are several people in this house who aren't very well off financially and would relish the monthly bill being further diluted(she works a well paid full-time job).

But we can't really think of a way of bringing this up without causing friction and potentially losing a few friends. They know exactly what they're doing btw. They've said as much but somehow don't see it as wrong.

Any ideas Boardsies?

Regards

LegacyUser

OP,

Being in my 11th year of house sharing, I've gained quite a bit of experience in this area, and I know how bloody frustrating it can be. If you want your issues dealt with, stepping on egg shells around your flatmates will NOT solve anything. You have to be upfront and honest about how you feel. You have to live there, you're the one paying rent, she is not. Thusly, she has no right to be using up your resources without contributing to the household given the amount of time she's staying there. It's taking the piss to be honest.

There's two solutions to this, 1.) Confront her in a calm way, explaining the situation and ask for a contribution or 2.) Talk to your flatmate and tell him you're not happy with the arrangement, that there was a decision made that you'd not take on couples, yet he's created that very situation where you live. He'll have to start visiting his girlfriends residence more to balance the obvious exploitation she's making of the place.

I know this can be awkward, I've been there numerous times, but you'll feel a lot better afterwards, and the majority of the time, these things work out for the better. Also, if they're friends, they'll completely understand. If not, they're not very good friends and deserve all the more to be outed on this ignorance.

G'luck buddy.

changeling

Ah feck that!! They're takiing advantage of your and the others' sharing the house (and paying the bills) good nature and friendship, take him to one side all of you and sort it out, nothing worse than allowing this resentment to build up, he is creating this situation by allowing her free reign in YOUR home, he needs to cop on.

IrishEyes19

the only way around it is to talk to your housemate and explain that either she contributes to the household or reduces her staying over time. Other than that, could all of you speak to your landlord about this?

L-Man

L-Man wrote: »

But we can't really think of a way of bringing this up without causing friction and potentially losing a few friends. They know exactly what they're doing btw. They've said as much but somehow don't see it as wrong.

They are already causing friction OP. I don't think there is anyway around this other than being direct: Are you living here now? Will you pay a part of the costs? Does the landlord know?

Honey-ec

L-Man wrote: »

It can be frustrating wanting to just come home and slouchin front of the TV and relax but not being able to because the pair are there or even the girl by herself(she lets herself in on occasion).

Hang on, she has a key? That is absolutely not on. No-one gets a key unless they're paying rent would be rule number one in my book.

I think you need to call a house meeting and have everyone lay out their concerns to your housemate. He's being completely and utterly selfish and is ruining what sounded like a pretty happy situation up til now.

ncmc

I agree with the other posters. The time for being delicate has been and gone. I am totally shocked that your housemate would take the p1ss like this and expect to get away with it. She has her own key? She uses the communal food? I am just flabbergasted to be honest! Sounds like the rest of you have been too nice about this and have been letting your mate away with murder. I would be arranging a household meeting asap and telling your friend in no uncertain terms that she either starts to contribute or spends less time in the house.

miss no stars

If you didn't want it to even be up for discussion (given that they bloody well know how often she's there), you could just cut to the chase. Say there's 4 of you in the house plus the house mate's girlfriend makes 5. Next bill that arrives in stick it up on the fridge...

Dear Housemates (Snap, Crackle, Pop and Pop's girlfriend),

The ESB bill arrived and it's €200. Please deposit €40 each into Johnny's account before it's due in 2 weeks (€200/5 = €40)

Sincerely,

Tony.

Ms. Pingui

miss no stars wrote: »

If you didn't want it to even be up for discussion (given that they bloody well know how often she's there), you could just cut to the chase. Say there's 4 of you in the house plus the house mate's girlfriend makes 5. Next bill that arrives in stick it up on the fridge...

Dear Housemates (Snap, Crackle, Pop and Pop's girlfriend),

The ESB bill arrived and it's €200. Please deposit €40 each into Johnny's account before it's due in 2 weeks (€200/5 = €40)

Sincerely,

Tony.

That's a bit passive/ aggressive IMO. I'd just have a house meeting and say it straight to his face.

miss no stars

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

That's a bit passive/ aggressive IMO. I'd just have a house meeting and say it straight to his face.

So is moving your girlfriend in and expecting the others to just deal with it! It might embarrass them into copping on.

Ms. Pingui

miss no stars wrote: »

So is moving your girlfriend in and expecting the others to just deal with it! It might embarrass them into copping on.

Deal with it but by saying it to his face. I wouldn't leave a note.

Neyite

miss no stars wrote: »

If you didn't want it to even be up for discussion (given that they bloody well know how often she's there), you could just cut to the chase. Say there's 4 of you in the house plus the house mate's girlfriend makes 5. Next bill that arrives in stick it up on the fridge...

Dear Housemates (Snap, Crackle, Pop and Pop's girlfriend),

The ESB bill arrived and it's €200. Please deposit €40 each into Johnny's account before it's due in 2 weeks (€200/5 = €40)

Sincerely,

Tony.

While she should contribute to the utilities she is using, you run the risk OP of her then assuming you are all ok with her frequency in staying over. - unless you do want her to be an official flatmate in which case suggest a re-jig of the rent division too.

Having about 18 different houseshares under my belt, my advice is to speak directly to your flatmate. Not your flatmate and his girlfriend, just him. Tell him that he needs to spend some time over at hers instead, and that she is staying over too much. And he is bang out of order giving her a key too.

I have had this situation several times and being direct is the only way.

Monkey Allen

I think everyone that has and will reply to the OP will say that the couple are out of order and need to be dealt with. You don't need to second guess that. Be nice about it but tell them that you think the 'unwritten rule' of a couples free environment should be upheld. Nothing more you can or should do. If they take offence, you can sleep at night knowing you did everything you could to maintain the peace while setting the score right.

username123

Neyite wrote: »

.....my advice is to speak directly to your flatmate. Not your flatmate and his girlfriend, just him. Tell him that he needs to spend some time over at hers instead, and that she is staying over too much. And he is bang out of order giving her a key too.

+1

She is not a houseshare mate so why would one be addressing matters of the house to her? Address it to him.

Be direct. Be best if you called a house meeting, but stay calm.

Merkin

I also think that collectively you need to be clear in your heads about what you actually want before talking to him. What arrangement would you ultimately all be happy with?

• Do you want her to be a 5th housemate and reduce all your rents
• Or just pay her share of all utility bills?
• Are you happy or not for her to have a key?
• If not, what is a reasonable amount of time for her to stay over per week

Be very clear what it is you all see as a satisfactory solution so at least then you will be talking to him about it whilst also offering alternatives. There's no way should this be discussed with her also, she is not a paying housemate at the end of the day so this needs to be a decision all paying tenants are happy with.

Spanish Eyes

They both need to re assess their individual accommodation arrangements. I'd guess she is still living at home. But of course I cd be wrong there too.

They should move into a mixed house share together. And enjoy themselves.

And you should remain friends. It's not working. It's the pits. Say it out.