Bit of a sticky situation

LegacyUser

About a year ago I met two guys that I now hang out with now and again. They're both really good friends. Generally would go out drinking with them once a month or so. A short while after we met, one of them, let's call him David, asked me out. I'm not attracted to him so I turned him down. A few months later, we were all out and it ended up just me and him at the end of the night. He started to tell me how much he liked me and we had a drunken kiss and then I went home. I know that was a really stupid thing for me to do. The next day I texted him saying it had been a messy night and he replied saying he barely remembered it and it all just kind of got swept under the rug. I didn't tell anyone about it and I don't think he did either.

Until recently, I've started to get on really well with the other guy, the friend, I'll call him Chris. Nothing serious has happened but when we're out we always end up spending most of the night together and we've kissed a couple times. I quite like the guy.

But we were out at a birthday dinner last week and I could really feel tension between the two of them and me. David was being really unnecessarily mean to me, picking on things I'd say and trying to belittle me in front of everyone. He was also being pretty mean to Chris, and I think Chris just didn't know what was going on. I think David is pissed off with the both of us but isn't saying why, which I suppose is understandable.

I know I should never have kissed David and I feel bad about that but it happened. I do like Chris but I absolutely do not want the two of them to fall out. Should I just back off from this whole thing?

Confused1982

Jagger33 wrote: »

About a year ago I met two guys that I now hang out with now and again. They're both really good friends. Generally would go out drinking with them once a month or so. A short while after we met, one of them, let's call him David, asked me out. I'm not attracted to him so I turned him down. A few months later, we were all out and it ended up just me and him at the end of the night. He started to tell me how much he liked me and we had a drunken kiss and then I went home. I know that was a really stupid thing for me to do. The next day I texted him saying it had been a messy night and he replied saying he barely remembered it and it all just kind of got swept under the rug. I didn't tell anyone about it and I don't think he did either.

Until recently, I've started to get on really well with the other guy, the friend, I'll call him Chris. Nothing serious has happened but when we're out we always end up spending most of the night together and we've kissed a couple times. I quite like the guy.

But we were out at a birthday dinner last week and I could really feel tension between the two of them and me. David was being really unnecessarily mean to me, picking on things I'd say and trying to belittle me in front of everyone. He was also being pretty mean to Chris, and I think Chris just didn't know what was going on. I think David is pissed off with the both of us but isn't saying why, which I suppose is understandable.

I know I should never have kissed David and I feel bad about that but it happened. I do like Chris but I absolutely do not want the two of them to fall out. Should I just back off from this whole thing?

How old are these guys?

beks101

That's a tough one. How close are David and Chris? Does Chris know about what happened between you and David? If he finds out and they're good mates I'd say Chris might be a bit wary of doing anything for fear of losing the friendship.

I had a slightly similar situation with a friend of my ex's recently, ended in tears for lots of reasons, not least of all the guilt he just couldn't get over for "going after his mate's bird". I know you're not exactly David's ex but clearly he's a bit sore about the whole thing.

Might be worth having a chat individually with both of them - tell David you don't feel the same but value his friendship, tell Chris you're interested but this thing happened with David...

I'd tread carefully anyway so you don't end up losing both friendships

IrishEyes19

Personally I dont care how strong someones feelings are for someone, you shouldnt come between friends. It's not fair. If I were you, I'd let the two go and just remain friends with both. Others may disagree and say, your adults, live your life, dont stop love.....ect. But I can see David's point of view, you kissed him knowing he liked you, both of you shoved it under the rug and then started kissing his friend. Your not a bad person by the way and I know I sound harsh, I just think a solid friendship here shouldnt be ruined. thats all. best of luck

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

That's a tough one. How close are David and Chris? Does Chris know about what happened between you and David? If he finds out and they're good mates I'd say Chris might be a bit wary of doing anything for fear of losing the friendship.

I had a slightly similar situation with a friend of my ex's recently, ended in tears for lots of reasons, not least of all the guilt he just couldn't get over for "going after his mate's bird". I know you're not exactly David's ex but clearly he's a bit sore about the whole thing.

Might be worth having a chat individually with both of them - tell David you don't feel the same but value his friendship, tell Chris you're interested but this thing happened with David...

I'd tread carefully anyway so you don't end up losing both friendships

Thanks for reply, I'm definitely going to tread carefully. They are very good friends but I don't think they've spoken about any of this. Not up to that night though. That night was so awkward I think they must have spoken about it after because Chris must have known something was up. I think he probably would be wary of trying anything if he knew something had happened between David and me. It's just that I thought what happened with David was just a drunken thing that didn't mean anything, but maybe not as it's looking like it meant more to David than I realised.

We are all mid to late twenties by the way.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Personally I dont care how strong someones feelings are for someone, you shouldnt come between friends. It's not fair. If I were you, I'd let the two go and just remain friends with both. Others may disagree and say, your adults, live your life, dont stop love.....ect. But I can see David's point of view, you kissed him knowing he liked you, both of you shoved it under the rug and then started kissing his friend. Your not a bad person by the way and I know I sound harsh, I just think a solid friendship here shouldnt be ruined. thats all. best of luck

Thanks very much, you weren't harsh. I think I've made a mistake here and probably not been very thoughtful. It's a pity as I do like Chris but I don't think it's worth messing with their friendship. Maybe I'll just try avoid both of them for a while and not let myself end up alone with either of them again.

IrishEyes19

Jagger33 wrote: »

Thanks very much, you weren't harsh. I think I've made a mistake here and probably not been very thoughtful. It's a pity as I do like Chris but I don't think it's worth messing with their friendship. Maybe I'll just try avoid both of them for a while and not let myself end up alone with either of them again.

Not at all. Look I dont think you need to avoid them either. I mean you were/are friends with them. Why destroy a perfectly good friendship between you. You need to weigh up the positives. Ok you like Chris. You were/are friends with David and Chris. Can you still hang out with them and not get romantically involved with Chris again. Maybe sit down with David if he is still being odd and sort things out. Its your decision, but you know, these things can be salvaged if handled properly. I reckon David feels mislead and Chris is probably happy with things as they are. Now you need to go home and decide which is better. Letting the friendship with both of them go, staying with Chris and isolating David, or make up with David and just be friends with Chris and try and resume things.

haha, now I know thats a lot to take in!! Best of luck to you though

ibarelycare

Jagger33 wrote: »

Thanks for reply, I'm definitely going to tread carefully. They are very good friends but I don't think they've spoken about any of this. Not up to that night though. That night was so awkward I think they must have spoken about it after because Chris must have known something was up. I think he probably would be wary of trying anything if he knew something had happened between David and me. It's just that I thought what happened with David was just a drunken thing that didn't mean anything, but maybe not as it's looking like it meant more to David than I realised.

We are all mid to late twenties by the way.

I think you're being completely dishonest or completely naive here. How could you think the kiss didn't mean something when just before you kissed him, he'd been telling you how much he liked you? It wasn't fair what you did, although I know these things happen when you're drunk. In hindsight you really should have spoken to him about it afterwards, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

I think if you want things to go anywhere with Chris, then you need to tell him what happened with David. And I also think you need to talk to David privately and see what's going on in his head.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

I think you're being completely dishonest or completely naive here. How could you think the kiss didn't mean something when just before you kissed him, he'd been telling you how much he liked you? It wasn't fair what you did, although I know these things happen when you're drunk. In hindsight you really should have spoken to him about it afterwards, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

I think if you want things to go anywhere with Chris, then you need to tell him what happened with David. And I also think you need to talk to David privately and see what's going on in his head.

Yeah you're right. I'd like to think I'm being more naive than dishonest but I don't know. I know David liked me and I know I shouldn't have kissed him. We were drunk and opening up to each other and it was a spur of the moment thing that shouldn't have happened. I was naive in that I thought I could just forget about what happened. The next time I saw him after that night we were fine and I know he's been with other girls since so I just chose to forget about it but I never stopped to consider what he might be thinking.

I don't want anything to happen with Chris now because I feel awful. I'm going to leave that. However I don't know if I can talk to David. He treated me pretty horribly at the party last week, I know I was inconsiderate before but I think he went over the top. It's probably naive and cowardly of me yet again, but all I want to do now is pretend all of this never happened.

tomthetank

Jagger33 wrote: »

I don't want anything to happen with Chris now because I feel awful. I'm going to leave that. However I don't know if I can talk to David. He treated me pretty horribly at the party last week, I know I was inconsiderate before but I think he went over the top. It's probably naive and cowardly of me yet again, but all I want to do now is pretend all of this never happened.

Did your other friends notice his behaviour? Did Chris notice?

If you don't want to bother saying anything that's your choice, but if you want to salvage the friendship and reduce the friction between the three of you, I'd say it's important to have a word. It's pretty immature of him to have treated you that way as you don't owe him anything and as you said, he's been with other girls since, but obviously the guy's feelings ran away with him.

LegacyUser

tomthetank wrote: »

Did your other friends notice his behaviour? Did Chris notice?

If you don't want to bother saying anything that's your choice, but if you want to salvage the friendship and reduce the friction between the three of you, I'd say it's important to have a word. It's pretty immature of him to have treated you that way as you don't owe him anything and as you said, he's been with other girls since, but obviously the guy's feelings ran away with him.

Posted a reply to this earlier but it never showed up.

I don't think other people noticed. We were at a birthday party and didn't know everyone there. Most people were busy drinking and being merry and didn't notice what was going on outside their immediate circle. Chris definitely noticed and actually defended me when David was being rude which just riled David up even more. So it was all quite awkward. Just want to add that nothing happened between Chris and I that night. We were all put sitting together and we just chatted away fine until David started ranting at me. When I got fed up with the abuse, I left quite abruptly. I haven't spoken to either of them since and I don't really want to now.