How do I stop office mate from touching me?

Webster29

So I recently got a new job and now share an office (as in just us in a room) with a girl who is my junior. She's a very very touchy feely sort and I am very much not. I thought it was an accepted rule of social interaction that you can touch a colleague between the wrist and elbow and otherwise not. Apparently she hasn't read the rule book cause she's constantly touching me - upper arms, shoulders, back and once last week she rested her hand on my thigh when we were out after work.

Another day, she was showing me something in a document and came over to stand beside me to point at something. She stood so close to me the whole left side of her body was pressed against me. I pretended it wasn't happening until she went away.

Now, before you think this is one of those "does she like me" threads, she does not. My problem is that I'm new, more senior than her and recently mentioned my girlfriend in conversation. If I ask her to not touch me, I'm worried it'll sound like one of those "gay girl feels uncomfortable with normal social interaction with other girls" type requests and it'll end up really awkward in the office. Where I spend 10 hours a day.

So in conclusion, how does one explain the concept of personal space without coming off as a big old sexually harassing perv?

DazMarz

Sneeze, cough and splutter when she's near you. Not a pleasant option, but she will soon back off. Sniffle into tissues and say "I've got that rotten dose that's going around". She will most positively back off.

Or, wear very strong, overpowering perfume for a few days...

Temporary measures only, but apart from saying straight out "Back off", (in a more tactful manner), I'm not sure.

Locker10a

Hmm I dont think there are really many options here, without making it really awkward The best you can do is avoid situations where physical contact can take place, but at the same time not drastic measures either :P
I do find really touchy feely people a bit strange, as I also hate those type of situations too! But ya try the perfume and the cough/cold and maybe you could also a slight injury that is sensitive to touch and perhaps she will get the message afeter a little while

Annasopra

Moved from lgbt to PI

hfallada

Stop showering for a while and walk to get a strong body odour smell. I guarantee she won't want to be anywhere never you.

Does your company have hr that you could maybe ask for advice there

P. Breathnach

If she touches you, just stop whatever you are doing; stare at her; say nothing. When she draws away, resume as if nothing had happened.

Jaxxy

I have had this problem myself before. I can understand you not wanting to make a big deal out of it by reporting it, but it really does have to stop. It's making you uncomfortable and you feel it is inappropriate. No matter how "touchy, feely" this person is naturally, it's no excuse to make you feel that way.

When she invades your personal space, just take a step backward. It really is very simple, and it worked for me without having to take the matter further. You're not being confrontational, you don't even have to say anything, just move.

When she touches you in a manner that makes you uncomfortable, side-step. If she presses herself against you while looking at something on your PC, stand up from your chair. Remove yourself from this woman's personal space, and she'll hopefully avoid yours in the future. You can set your own boundaries, and she should take the not-so-subtle but also non-confrontational hint quickly.

Raminahobbin

I've had this problem with a couple of customers in my shop, and I started out really nervous and not wanting to upset them and not being sure of if they KNEW what they were doing or not...to not giving a fuck and deciding if they were THAT oblivious of what they were doing then I can be as brazen as I like and react. So now with certain customers I'll always take a visible step back/hold my hands in front of me (I had one customer who always seemed to graze my boob as he was handing me items) or otherwise just be very conscious of creating my own space.

Sometimes an old lady will try to touch my face to show me how cold it was outside (one lady in particular) and I've just started grabbing her hand en-route and saying 'that's ok, I believe you.' It might seem rude for you to pull your leg away from her, or take a deliberate side step, but if she even notices she won't say anything. And you'll feel better for being assertive.

Webster29

Thanks all for the replies. For those who say I should try to be smelly or diseased, I'm trying to have one person stand two feet further back, not having the whole office think I'm a weirdo

monflat

Webster29 wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies. For those who say I should try to be smelly or diseased, I'm trying to have one person stand two feet further back, not having the whole office think I'm a weirdo

Could u bring humour/ sarcasim into it say it in a way like ur tryin to b funny but mean what u say
Like do you want to come a bit closer ?
R if u Get Amy closer you l b sitting on me

I have a girl like that at work and I do feel her boobs stuck into my back when she leans across me to get something
It is highly annoying and she does not know how to keep personal space .

IrishEyes19

React abruptly to her touching you. For instance if she touches your shoulder ect, jump back and make no mistake that what she did was uncomfortable. If she doesnt get the message, well then its up to you report it to your appropriate HR manager as its completely inappropriate of her to be acting this way

Morag

Tell her not to get too close as a family member has some down with Scabies and you don't know if you have it and just scratch now and then.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scabies

Maura74

Every time she touches you, just stand back from her and brush off that part of your body with your hand, she will soon get the message.

RossFixxxed

Pull her aside somewhere and ask her to stop, tell her it makes you uncomfortable. That should be it. This is a professional situation and touching people isn't very professional. (Unless your profession is a bit weird.)

seamus

^^
What this man says. Standing back, standing up, staring, brushing her hand away, not showering (!), "I'm diseased" (!), this is all very passive-aggressive stuff and can send the wrong signals, making her think you're annoyed or angry with her.

You want to maintain a friendly working relationship, and possibly a minor friendship with this girl, so saying it straight out in a friendly way is the best way of saying it without coming across as strange. Just say to her, "Look, I've been meaning to bring something up with you for a while", and go from there. Say that you're not a very touchy-feely person, so when she stands really close to you or touches you, you're uncomfortable. Any rational person will get the message and try to contain their behaviour.

Find a quiet moment, outside of work even, when you can continue on another topic straight away without things becoming awkward. Just be breezy about it - blame yourself as much as possible, if she feels like you're giving out to her, then it becomes awkward.

Reporting her to HR for not "getting the message" when you haven't even said anything to her, would be ridiculous. Some people are touchy-feely and half the time aren't even aware that they're doing it.

monflat

monflat wrote: »

Could u bring humour/ sarcasim into it say it in a way like ur tryin to b funny but mean what u say
Like do you want to come a bit closer ?
R if u Get Amy closer you l b sitting on me

I have a girl like that at work and I do feel her boobs stuck into my back when she leans across me to get something
It is highly annoying and she does not know how to keep personal space .

monflat, text speak is not permitted on the forum. Please read the charter before posting and be considerate of your fellow posters
thanks

Ask her to stop, because it makes you feel uncomfortable. There's nothing else you can do, because this situation probably won't end without either one of you feeling uncomfortable; if she keeps touching you, you will, if you tell her, she will.

If you tell her and she doesn't stop, then you should report her, as, unless I'm wrong here, this all counts as sexual harassment?

Ann22

I remember working with a girl who would do this. She was really nice but it wasn't pleasant at all. She would stand right up against me with her boobs squashed flat against my arm/back/chest. First thing in the morning was worse...I had way less tolerance. She'd follow me about and I'd be rummaging in a folder or drawer for something..I'd stand up, turn round and there she'd be right there smiling in my face. I never said anything to her..I could bring myself to...but as I got to know her better, I realised she was like this with everyone and was just a really nice girl with no cop on. I could endure it better when I knew her better.

Airitech

seamus wrote: »

^^
What this man says. Standing back, standing up, staring, brushing her hand away, not showering (!), "I'm diseased" (!), this is all very passive-aggressive stuff and can send the wrong signals, making her think you're annoyed or angry with her.

You want to maintain a friendly working relationship, and possibly a minor friendship with this girl, so saying it straight out in a friendly way is the best way of saying it without coming across as strange. Just say to her, "Look, I've been meaning to bring something up with you for a while", and go from there. Say that you're not a very touchy-feely person, so when she stands really close to you or touches you, you're uncomfortable. Any rational person will get the message and try to contain their behaviour.

Find a quiet moment, outside of work even, when you can continue on another topic straight away without things becoming awkward. Just be breezy about it - blame yourself as much as possible, if she feels like you're giving out to her, then it becomes awkward.

Reporting her to HR for not "getting the message" when you haven't even said anything to her, would be ridiculous. Some people are touchy-feely and half the time aren't even aware that they're doing it.

This is the answer, none of that passive aggressive nonsense. Be assertive and say it to her. You will only have to say it once, the message will be clear and the problem will be over.

Tiptoeing around the problem hoping she gets the message will only make you look odd and foolish.

P. Breathnach

Airitech wrote: »

This is the answer, none of that passive aggressive nonsense...

Dealing with things in a non-confrontational way is not passive aggressive nonsense. It can be regarded as being tactful.

Airitech

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Dealing with things in a non-confrontational way is not passive aggressive nonsense. It can be regarded as being tactful.

Speaking to her is non confrontational and 100% guaranteed to resolve the problem.

Not showering, wearing overpowering perfume or reacting strangely to being touched hardly gives off the clearest message and just looks odd.

Taltos

Guys - please take the discussion elsewhere, PI/RI is not the right place for a debate on what constitutes a passive-aggressive response.

Sh1tbag OToole

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Pull her aside somewhere and ask her to stop, tell her it makes you uncomfortable. That should be it. This is a professional situation and touching people isn't very professional. (Unless your profession is a bit weird.)

Yea just say it no need for any round about way of letting her know just get it over and done with

Webster29

Have to say I'm surprised at the number of responses to this- clearly a lot of you have had similar issues. I'll try saying it to her next time she does it. I didn't want to have to say it cause I'm sure she does it out of friendliness. I didn't want to make her feel bad or have me appear to be an antisocial weirdo. But I guess being blunt makes me less of an antisocial weirdo than pretending I have scabies! thanks for all the replies folks.

Sh1tbag OToole

Webster29 wrote: »

Have to say I'm surprised at the number of responses to this- clearly a lot of you have had similar issues. I'll try saying it to her next time she does it. I didn't want to have to say it cause I'm sure she does it out of friendliness. I didn't want to make her feel bad or have me appear to be an antisocial weirdo. But I guess being blunt makes me less of an antisocial weirdo than pretending I have scabies! thanks for all the replies folks.

I have been the offender. As uncool as it is to admit that. A lot of the time I didn't know I was causing bother and I wouldnt take any offence if someone told me to stop.

KCC

Webster29 wrote: »

So I recently got a new job and now share an office (as in just us in a room) with a girl who is my junior. She's a very very touchy feely sort and I am very much not. I thought it was an accepted rule of social interaction that you can touch a colleague between the wrist and elbow and otherwise not. Apparently she hasn't read the rule book cause she's constantly touching me - upper arms, shoulders, back and once last week she rested her hand on my thigh when we were out after work.

Another day, she was showing me something in a document and came over to stand beside me to point at something. She stood so close to me the whole left side of her body was pressed against me. I pretended it wasn't happening until she went away.

Now, before you think this is one of those "does she like me" threads, she does not. My problem is that I'm new, more senior than her and recently mentioned my girlfriend in conversation. If I ask her to not touch me, I'm worried it'll sound like one of those "gay girl feels uncomfortable with normal social interaction with other girls" type requests and it'll end up really awkward in the office. Where I spend 10 hours a day.

So in conclusion, how does one explain the concept of personal space without coming off as a big old sexually harassing perv?

Is she Irish? If not, perhaps in her culture it is acceptable to be "touchy-feely". I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't feel awkward. It's probably not sexual. Just back away from her when she moves near you or touches you. She should pick up on the signals and should back off. Do not say it to her - it will make her feel bad. The awkwardness will be unbearable.

CollardGreens

Make strong loud gurgling nostril noises when she touches you, it will gross her out and she will stop.

username123

Just say it to her! "excuse me, it makes me uncomfortable when you invade my personal space, could you stop please, thank you".

I cant believe some of the suggestions here, more suited to primary school than a workplace.