Getting Pleasure from Friends Losses

LegacyUser

I'm not expecting this thread to be accepted due to its quite unbelievable nature and I'm concerning it may be viewed as an attempt to troll. I can preface this introduction by stating this is very real and I'm intimately confused as to whether or not this is a personal issue at all. I guess the reason I've come here is because others will attribute it as a personal issue and thus if I'm 'missing' something, then it must be a cause for concern. I guess the best analogy would be an alcoholic - they gain pleasure from it but it takes an external view to help acknowledge such a problem actually exists.

The crux of the issue is that I positively enjoy the failings and misery of my friend's and generally people at large. I've just spoken to a friend of mine who I care dearly about but for some reason, and I don't claim to understand why, when he just told me he was experiencing a horrible month I felt an immense sense of jubilation such that it felt comforting. I don't understand why I have these conflicting views - I care about him but yet I gain comfort knowing he has failed or that some misery or suffering is currently impacting his life.

This may not sound 'that bad' in and of itself - I mean people could reflect I'm merely acting out my own insecurities by hoping everyone else descends down to my level but I don't have any insecurity issue, indeed, I'm quite comfortable with my life and feel no threat from anyone. I guess it really becomes a problem when I think of physical harm. I'm not an aggressive person - in fact, I'd like to think of myself as a pacifist in the community but if I was told that one of my friends was attacked and hospitalized, I would feel nothing for them, no pity, in fact I might even feel like celebrating it. Of course, I would not celebrate if they passed away, never, this would lead to an outpouring of emotion from me. But for an event described above, again, I feel nothing and worse, I secretly like when it happens.

It was important to stress the two facts above that I'm not an aggressive person and would never harm another individual and also the fact that I do care about my friends and enjoy their company and would feel deflated if they weren't involved in my life. However, I have to balance this with how I feel when certain events happen as I outlined above. I'm trying to be as honest as possible as this is how I feel. I've never spoken about these feelings to anyone in the past because I know exactly what type of reaction I would get - some form of rejection. Thus, this appears to be the only outlet whereby I can ask others to help judge my personality. It's also important to highlight that in no way am I appealing for a diagnosis of any kind because I consider myself to have full and mature cognition devoid of any form of depression or unhappiness or hindrance in life. I'm merely requesting comments on this aspect of my personality and how you feel about it.

Thanks in advance for any comments and I appreciate all constructive comments.

Curry Addict

Schadenfreude, its a normal human emotion felt by everyone to varying degrees. its totally normal so nothing to be concerned about.

Kevster

I find your post quite interesting, but there's nothing new in what you are feeling .. at least not to me.

Commonly, the reaction that we have to someone who has just faced bad news is to feel sympathetic, as we have learned in society that this is a way of bonding to the person and of avoiding clashes/creating an enemy. If that person is closer to us - like, say, direct family - then the level of sympathy can be greater in magnitude.

My point here is that we have simply learned to be sympathetic because we know that it's in our benefit in the long term; however, in the majority of other species (citation needed...), then it's 'tough luck' to the animal who faced the bad news.

So, what you are experiencing could actually be more normal than you think. Do'nt give it too much focus and just do what you know is right.

Kevin

IrishEyes19

Eh, to the above posters, what part of if there friend was hospitalised that they might even celebrate it, seems normal? I'm really surprised at those responses and slightly concerned. I dont agree with the above posters obviously. To an extent people can feel numb or nothing to people's misfortunes. However most people I believe draw the limit at misery and harm. The fact that you take joy from it, isn't normal and I'm surprised at the above posters to think it is. when you mentioned if someone was hospitalised and hurt, that you might even feel like celebrating. That's not normal. Please dont think on any level that it is.

Ok so thats the harsh bit over, I understand that you feel nothing is missing in you, that you live a grand life bar this. But I think there is some part of you that needs to resolve this issue, clearly by posting this, you see its an issue. I suggest you look into counselling. I mean, I dont know your age or anything, but if you have kids/husband in the future, will this also extend to them? I can understand why you dont discuss it with friends. I doubt many people would understand its something you cant help and would be incredibly upset. Try counselling, see where this is coming from. Its not one bit normal. It really isnt.

I don't think what you experience is normal at all. I'd genuinely feel nothing but sympathy and even hurt if a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger had some bad news or was attacked. Schadenfreude is a well-known concept but I wouldn't say it was felt by everyone, or even most people. You say you're sure you don't have a psychological problem. It's quite possible that you're just a mean-spirited person, and that's not supposed to be an insult. I have met people like you, who enjoy other people's misery and they didn't have anything 'wrong' with them. They were just lacking in empathy, quite bitter and just mean, really.

Kevster

Ummm...IrishEyes19, I did say that "commonly, the reaction that we have to someone who has just faced bad news is to feel sympathetic". Thus, I'm implying that what the OP did was uncommon.

I am amongst the most 'giving' people in the world, and I have years of altruistic behaviour behind me that is not immediately obvious by my boards dot ie account. I have been in contact and helped people with all sorts of issues, such as paedophiles and those with personality disorders - including narcissistics, histrionics, and antisocials - not to mention people considering suicide.

I had actually wanted to articulate to the OP that I believed he wasn't feeling positive about the bad news specifically; more, that he was feeling positive about this news because it was different and somewhat exciting. That is, it changed his daily boring and depressing life into something different that he could get excited about.

In tht sense, counselling would indeed be a good move.

Kevin

Selfheal

OP, I totally get where you are coming from and I think this was a brave post. I actually think more of us can relate to this than will actually admit it. It's part of the human condition, ego, to love drama of any kind. If you're not getting it from your own life situation, you'll feed off it from that of others.

Idle Passerby

I would be inclined to presume that someone who gets pleasure from the misfortune of friends and loved ones must be very unhappy with their own life, bitter even.

Maybe you should address your own situation. Are you feeling glad when others have a tough time because it makes you feel that at least there is someone worse off than you are?

ladysarah

At least it is playing on your mind and you wish to address it. A good exercise would be to visualise somebody v clise to you been pleased. at your misfortunes. feel their pain and hopefully you wull learn to change your food of thpught! good luck!