Dragging the past around for to long

LegacyUser

Now not sure what am I doing here but I reckon there are a couple of things I need to get of my chest.

I am 30 now but in so many ways I feel like a in big bubble drifting along. My life really went to ****e when I was molested at the age of 9. Good girl that I was kept that for myself until about 23 and only confessed to 2 people. But looking back I was a textbook case of sexual abuse, no friends, disturbed body hygenye, self doubts, no confidence, could not concentrate and all these things then made me into the perfect target for the school bullys. I was kicked, spat on, tormented and can't really remember a night I fell asleep happy.
My family never suspected that anything was wrong, how I really don't know and to be honest it has become a thorne in my side and I feel quite bitter against them. None of my family is living in ireland and its usually me who travels to visit them and keeps the contact even tho it causes me great pain one only has one family and there is now a new generation of kids there I truly love and don't want to be the foreign aunty they see once ever few years.
My social network is rather small, it takes me so long to make friends and I hate to put myself out there even tho I know I have to and I want to but lacking the confidence.
I never had a relationship, never had something like a real date, but a string of one night stands.
I done counseling with the rape crisis centre a few years ago but it only lasted a few months every forthnight. I could never tell my therapist what happend because i felt like the words were choking me. I was just sitting there and cried for hourse and felt like i have fought in the trenches and then the therapist left the treatment centre and i couldn't face it to go to someone else.
I need a clean break, I fear I am damned to a life of soltitute if I don't do anything now. I don't want to be like that. I want happiness and love and my own family one day. I had enough of all that pain and hurt and can't go on like this .
I got an appointment with a healing therapist in two weeks time and just have to try a different approach and maybe find a way out of this mess but hope I won't change my mind.

Morag

Sometimes writing it down can help when the emotions choke you up so much.
Well done on wanting better for you in your life and making that new appointment.

tony81

I know what you suffered aged 9 was very traumatic.
It's easy to say "let it go, accept it and move on".. but all those terms while well-meaning have turned into cliches.

Unfortunately i think a lot of people (including newspapers, agencies and victims of child abuse themselves) that say "your life has been ruined" cause more harm than good. You still have another good 40 years to walk the earth so it really is time to forgive and forget for your own happiness.

So some tough love: you can blame that one incident for everything bad that happened to you since then and everything bad that happens to you in the future, or you can fast-track the healing process and put it behind you. Don't try to tie every negative event back to something that happened when you were 9.

Your original therapy didn't work because you weren't able to talk about it and just cried instead. Your therapist should be ashamed for not helping you. If something is hard to talk about it can be helpful to write out the details on a piece of paper and recite it to the therapist - still your words, just more focused.

miec

Hi Op

Like you I have been sexually abused and like you I have cut myself off from people, I am now recovering from my experiences and find myself close to being fully healed. I would urge you to go back to the rape crisis centre, my first counsellor there wasn't great but they rang me to see why I left and I told them so they referred me to a second counsellor whom I have seen for over two years and the healing I have received from her has been amazing. My experience has been thus so far: to talk about it, to judge my abuser, to feel the anger in my body and to mind my inner child, little me, these are all tough but the healing has been incredible. You can survive this and you can get contentment, happiness and love from another, okay I havent found the love from another yet, but note the word yet, I know now I am worthy of it, I believe from your one post that you may be dealing with a family that is not there for you so that may be compounding your pain.

ahnow

Hi there, I read your post and I really feel for you, I was abused when I was little, and it has made things quite a struggle, things are much much better for me now though, and I think that your situation is definitely not hopeless, although it may feel that way now. I apologise in advance for this post, it might be a little bit long.
oneinfour.org is a good website to start, if you are looking for some support, they might be able to point you in the right direction of some good counselling and support services.
The issue of not being able to speak about what happened is very common, and very understandable, I found for many many years I literally could not speak about it, like something was choking me. You have said that you're going to a healer in a few weeks, this is actually what I did, and it was actually the turning point for me, down a long and difficult path of healing. It actually got me to the point where I was finally able to verbalise what had happened. Now, having said that, I had been to a long number of healers that I believe were not genuine, so please be aware that there are people out there that are dishonest and can take advantage. But I have found a small few that have been wonderful, and have really helped, and are genuine in their work. It might take a few tries to find someone that comes recommended and that works for you, like all therapists, so please bare that in mind when you're going, and please don't give up.
After that I found speaking to be a little bit easier, and that's when I went to counselling. What I will say to you is, counselling has been a life saver in the most literal sense for me, if you could find someone, on a weekly basis to lean on for support that could be so valuable to you, having that support from someone just for you really makes all the difference-they are totally on your side, and will never judge you. It took me a long time to learn to trust and to speak, but it did happen for me, it can happen for you.
So many of the problems that you have spoken about in your post, your resentment of your family, difficult childhood, issues with relationships, you are not alone in feeling this way, but that makes it no less difficult. I will say this to you, healing is a long and difficult process, it is slow, and sometimes it feels like you're going backwards, but you will find, if you put the effort in to yourself to do it, and reach out, these issues, when you go through them gradually lift off in the most gentle way possible.
There are kind people out there who understand and who care. You didn't deserve what happened to you, but I really hope that you can reach out and find the support that you need.
I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and when I look back now and compare how I am today, I can't believe how much brighter the future looks.
I hope you find the help you're looking for.

ahnow

Also, just wanted to say if you could find a therapist with a background in child sexual abuse, that could be really helpful, just because of the spectrum of issues in itself that it brings up.

beks101

Sorry for what you've been through OP.

Someone told me something once that made me change the way I think about myself. They said "if you don't deal with your past, it will deal with you"

And that's exactly what is happening in your life right now. You haven't dealt with the molestation, the sense of betrayal, the eroding of your sense of self worth, the bullying, the isolation, and you are living them all every day like a broken record. That's a very human response. You were taught from an early age to feel shameful about yourself, to never trust anyone & you have never unlearned that so you're still doing it to try to protect yourself.

That's a lot of hurt for one person to carry around with them and you really deserve none of it. You owe it to yourself to face all of these painful memories and feelings, learn to accept them, put them behind you and find peace and happiness. It's a lot of work, but you're a young, smart woman and you can do it.

But it requires complete honesty with your therapist over what has happened to you and a commitment to see through the process of confronting them. You can't afford any more secrecy - your secrets will keep you sick. None of these things were your fault so don't treat them as though they are.

There's a lot of support out there for you if you open yourself to it. The very best of luck to you x